Writing My Wrongs

Don't wanna live
Don't wanna lie to myself anymore
Don't wanna try to understand
The pain I see through my eyes
Let me laugh
Just let me cry
Just let me see right from wrong
Just let me love
Let me feel
Cause I want in my life all the things that's real
Cause I…I'm trying to find a reason to believe
- LionelRichie

I suppose that I should have been thinking of things that needed to be said…yesterday. Always a day late.
Now mind you, all the things that I have been thinking weren’t for everyone or even…anyone. Words that probably meant nothing to anyone other than me but…this time I am going to get it right. A day late.

I’ve been through love and pain. I’ve had some changes in my life.
I feel like I’ve broken the shell. Not making prophecies of self revelations …or words that make me feel foolish, when 6 months from now they have gone to the waist side. I just have a feeling of renewal…sadness at loss but memories of things I used to do that made me feel right. In place.

There are a couple of things that I just don’t do in general…
Let’s say that I don’t generally pay to go to the movies…my date does that. Not saying I won’t…but generally speaking…it’s not my job.

…Let’s also say that I ...generally don’t go to the movies with a chick. I mean, group settings are fine, going to see a movie you know your man won’t see and with one more girl…than just two.
Budda, that doesn’t happen that often…read: at all.
Well… “at all” became “not often”…tonight.
Godda call from my home girl when I got home.

“Let’s go to a dinner and movie tonight…?”
I have to admit, I didn’t get what she was tryna ask me,
“A dinner and movie…you and I?”
“Yea, it’ll be fun.”
I cocked my head to the side…looked at the mirror I was in front of and frowned,
“That sounds like a date. Are you asking me out on a date?”
“Oh alli, you’re so funny. I want to go see the Great D’s and then we can get dinner over by Lincoln Center. There are a ton of restaurants.”
I’m thinking…if she’s gotta be telling herself I am funny and shit…to get past the fact that she asked me out on a date…I ain’t gonna push the point…

But yea, I see you…asking me…on a girl date.

Apparently she didn’t understand that “girl dates” were foreign to me. Apparently she did this type of thing with her other female friends. Apparently I have been hanging out with way too much testosterone, cause clearly… I’mma virgin to “girl dates”.

I thought about it…realized that all my men friends have women and are probably busy tonight…
I finally said, “ok, call me when you decide the time and where to meet.”

Well because I was still iffy on the arrangement…arrangement being: a girl and girl presence at a movie and to dinner… well, I wasn’t rushing to get dressed. After all, I am not trying to dress all nice for her. I’m going to throw on some sweats, sneakers, baseball cap and call it a day…night.
Wait, change in wardrobe… can’t have people thinking I am the butch on this “girl date”. Now I’m in a quandary…the hell does one wear on a friendly girl date?
Eh, this has been too much on my brain.

*ring… ring… ring*
I’m sorta hesitant to say,
“Um…hey…how about we just make it dinner? We can go to Din-O-Sar and have some buffalo wings, beer and see if we see any cute guys.”
“Yea, I feel that. I just want to talk and hang out anyway.”
See, this is all she had to say to begin with instead of asking me out on a …girl date.

What do I say…
I mean…I’mma be an ass for a minute and just say…
I miss my own damn writing.
That let’s you know that…I ain’t wrote for y’all…I writes for me.
I used to make myself laugh…no, serious…I did.

So it’s Friday and I have nothing planned this weekend but for some reason… somewhere in the back of my mind …maybe I might. People are trying to get together and trying to hang out…and I am telling them I can’t because I am busy.
I ain’t busy.
I’m lazy.
I’m broke.
…and my mind is not resting long enough for me to feel like I have a free moment.
Even while lying on my couch at 7 last night. Even while drinking a glass of wine and watching TheSexMovie. Even while lying in my bed while reading my book. Even while letting my phone calls go to voice message. Even while repeating days of notingingness and idling away at rampant rest and delusional laziness.
I AM BUSY DAMMIT.
Too busy to stop and think a thing or two through.
Constant movement in my cerebral that leaves me tired…tiresome…Ti-Red.

However, tonite… I actually have solidified plans to hang with one of the home girls. Something that came out of the blue. Normally, me… hanging with chicks in the city …usually is a tough sale… a little hard to get me to come out and spend time with a chick that more than likely will…well whatever.
Tonite…headed on over to the Angelika to watch the indie TheDivingBellandTheButterfly, then headed to get eats afterwards. Not feeling cute, feeling way too fat, and right now… non social. But I’mma give it a go.

This writing thing has made me a recluse. Deciding what I am going to do with this so called talent that some of y’all seem to think I have. I have been beat up, talked about, read the riot act to… y’all loves me. But if I get one more email, text, phone call, IM telling me to write…
Well, I guess that’s done since I am…writing.
I truly never knew what my writing did…does. Still not believing all the things that you have all told me….but I suppose if I can tell a story and make people laugh…or make you think…or make you feel like at least your not the only one to have gone through something… then I guess that’s all that really matters.
I write my stories for me...to remember. You read them for reasons that are only for you. Either way…thanks.

Anywrite, I have been writing and trying to maneuver some things around with the help from a very good friend in Houston. Nice to know someone actually cares. So in the ‘tween time, I have been writing small…very very short stories…to see if I can make them big stories…novels even… yea, about that…it’s going along at the pace I thought it would...slllooooow. Has me hold up in my apartment. Absent from the social.

So tonight, I will hang out with Jules. Tomorrow is suppose to be spent with Channing…however, I am thinking that sounds more like a date and I am not sure Dude would be ok with that.
Yes…Dude!

So… I will catch up with you all another time. Check in every now and then…and we shall go from there…