Monday, October 26, 2009
Radomness of Being Sick
I was well for 6 days in a row. Then I got sick again. Once again, I am bed ridden and delirious. Well...delirious/delusional...whatever. A month of being sick; my social life has dwindled down to nada. Wack!
I like the fact that my bathroom has a window that faces the main street. I don’t know but in the morning I like hearing the noises of the morning’s hustle and bustle. It’s bright in the shower and it really makes it jump start my imagination as to how I can come up with another way to fuck up a beautiful day.
I am so evil sometimes.
It’s in my shower that I always have random thoughts. Nothing really ever being connected…just thoughts that come and go.
Random thoughts today:
1. if I were a man, would I treat a woman good
2. would I rather be in love or not in love
3. why do I look better in vibrant colors versus muted ones when I definitely have red undertones which should be contrasting with the vibrant colors
4. I recognize that I usually take the road that is probably not the safest
5. I wish the shower had better water pressure
6. do I want to be waking up to the same person for the rest of my life
7. the last time I had sex was the very...
8. why would I need to make a whole box of speghetti noodles for myself
9. why do I have a weird attraction to spaghetti noodles and thoughts of rolling around in a vat of them
10. do I really want California coming to New York
There is a band (DaveMatthewsBand) that has a song that has no words…so everytime they play it at a concert, it is always different lyrics. I like that, but I like DMB. It reminds me of my sophomore year in high school when I was hanging out with white girls like they were my kin. The music reminds me of that phase were I was listening to ska music and going to hear zydeco music while high on LSD. My sophomore year in high school was something kin to a walk on the wild side in a white mans world…just for a while. It was a time where I was rebelling against my father, I stole for no reason, I ditched classes, I dated NBA players that were ridiculously to old for me, I drank hard, I spent time in juevy, I was my very worse in the 10th grade. The very worse that I have ever been and at this point, ever was.
I look back on that year and I used to hate myself for putting my daddy through that but…I recognize that without those experiences…I wouldn’t be me. I am glad they only lasted a year and not my entire teenage years. Oddly, I slipped right back into being the square I was before that year…and I went back to being the quiet goody two-shoes.
So…I am missing a pairing knife from my knife set. For the very life of me I can’t think of where it is…could be. Again with the over active imagination, I start to think of black-outs and being some sort of avenger of evil…out stalking bad men with a pairing knife. Or, maybe I just paired someone who was good but still deserved a good knifing.
It’s better to be killed by someone you know on accident, then by someone you don’t know on purpose. – Peter Griffin
Seriously, where’s my knife?
*and I should stop watching tv if all I can remember to quote is TheFamilyGuy*
And as a parting word…
I will find my own way out.
I like the fact that my bathroom has a window that faces the main street. I don’t know but in the morning I like hearing the noises of the morning’s hustle and bustle. It’s bright in the shower and it really makes it jump start my imagination as to how I can come up with another way to fuck up a beautiful day.
I am so evil sometimes.
It’s in my shower that I always have random thoughts. Nothing really ever being connected…just thoughts that come and go.
Random thoughts today:
1. if I were a man, would I treat a woman good
2. would I rather be in love or not in love
3. why do I look better in vibrant colors versus muted ones when I definitely have red undertones which should be contrasting with the vibrant colors
4. I recognize that I usually take the road that is probably not the safest
5. I wish the shower had better water pressure
6. do I want to be waking up to the same person for the rest of my life
7. the last time I had sex was the very...
8. why would I need to make a whole box of speghetti noodles for myself
9. why do I have a weird attraction to spaghetti noodles and thoughts of rolling around in a vat of them
10. do I really want California coming to New York
There is a band (DaveMatthewsBand) that has a song that has no words…so everytime they play it at a concert, it is always different lyrics. I like that, but I like DMB. It reminds me of my sophomore year in high school when I was hanging out with white girls like they were my kin. The music reminds me of that phase were I was listening to ska music and going to hear zydeco music while high on LSD. My sophomore year in high school was something kin to a walk on the wild side in a white mans world…just for a while. It was a time where I was rebelling against my father, I stole for no reason, I ditched classes, I dated NBA players that were ridiculously to old for me, I drank hard, I spent time in juevy, I was my very worse in the 10th grade. The very worse that I have ever been and at this point, ever was.
I look back on that year and I used to hate myself for putting my daddy through that but…I recognize that without those experiences…I wouldn’t be me. I am glad they only lasted a year and not my entire teenage years. Oddly, I slipped right back into being the square I was before that year…and I went back to being the quiet goody two-shoes.
So…I am missing a pairing knife from my knife set. For the very life of me I can’t think of where it is…could be. Again with the over active imagination, I start to think of black-outs and being some sort of avenger of evil…out stalking bad men with a pairing knife. Or, maybe I just paired someone who was good but still deserved a good knifing.
It’s better to be killed by someone you know on accident, then by someone you don’t know on purpose. – Peter Griffin
Seriously, where’s my knife?
*and I should stop watching tv if all I can remember to quote is TheFamilyGuy*
And as a parting word…
I will find my own way out.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Beautiful Work
The back of my thighs are killing me. I obviously did some sort of movement that could be construed as a work out of some sort but…it could be that my old and fat ass is just out of shape. I’d realized that I have actually been lying dormant for a good month now. What with being sick and all…and then just the fact that the most activity I do is taking a shower…moving around to make sure that I am getting all the necessary areas as clean as possible. Which I have to admit…is a workout in and of itself…and that’s pretty pathetic to have to admit that I tire myself out when I take a shower.
I am out of shape, definitely.
This is another entry in my relationship dialogue.
There is a certain time of day, when the sky is a soft lavender and the world hasn’t quite awaken to the morning chirps of birds as they twitter about from branch to branch…
The sun hasn’t made itself known to a brand new day…it sits under the black veil of night that’s slowly fading…
It’s at that time, that I sometimes, feel alone.
Alone doesn’t mean lonely…it means, alone.
The lavender time of day is when I like to have sex. Not quite the morning…so after the slow grind has made me softly moan and curled my toes, and made me bite my bottom lip in ecstasy, I have time to drift off to another place and drift between awake and contented bliss before the sun peaks out over the tops of skyscrapers and hits my bedroom window. My mind is on little else than rest, satiation, and relaxing.
Being single, well…my mornings aren’t always filled with lavender love. I’m alone, awake with thoughts and promises, checklists and errands, duties and calls to be made start to invade the start to my day. I’m alone, thinking of the things that will determine whether this day will be a success. And before I know it, I am wishing for the sun to rise so I can get a jump start.
I miss those soft lavender skies…as much as I miss that golden time of day when all that was done for the day can not be taken back and where I am comforted in knowing I didn’t get through the day by myself, as I lay in the comfort of someone’s arms and feel relatively safe in knowing someone has my back, as much as, I have theirs.
With that said…
I know that life-long relationships aren’t for everyone. I have a deep down feeling that they aren’t necessarily for me. That doesn’t take away from the fact that I’d like to be in a relationship from time to time. As beautiful and fulfilling as I know that a relationship can be…it is hard work. I’m all for putting in grunt work, I’m all for rolling up the sleeves and maybe even having to get mired knee deep in some bullshit in order to get to the good stuff.
But… I feel like some labor laws have been broken by the amount of work I’ve had to put forth in the past. I need some comp time to recoup, otherwise I’m going to have to count my losses and retire.
I am out of shape, definitely.
This is another entry in my relationship dialogue.
There is a certain time of day, when the sky is a soft lavender and the world hasn’t quite awaken to the morning chirps of birds as they twitter about from branch to branch…
The sun hasn’t made itself known to a brand new day…it sits under the black veil of night that’s slowly fading…
It’s at that time, that I sometimes, feel alone.
Alone doesn’t mean lonely…it means, alone.
The lavender time of day is when I like to have sex. Not quite the morning…so after the slow grind has made me softly moan and curled my toes, and made me bite my bottom lip in ecstasy, I have time to drift off to another place and drift between awake and contented bliss before the sun peaks out over the tops of skyscrapers and hits my bedroom window. My mind is on little else than rest, satiation, and relaxing.
Being single, well…my mornings aren’t always filled with lavender love. I’m alone, awake with thoughts and promises, checklists and errands, duties and calls to be made start to invade the start to my day. I’m alone, thinking of the things that will determine whether this day will be a success. And before I know it, I am wishing for the sun to rise so I can get a jump start.
I miss those soft lavender skies…as much as I miss that golden time of day when all that was done for the day can not be taken back and where I am comforted in knowing I didn’t get through the day by myself, as I lay in the comfort of someone’s arms and feel relatively safe in knowing someone has my back, as much as, I have theirs.
With that said…
I know that life-long relationships aren’t for everyone. I have a deep down feeling that they aren’t necessarily for me. That doesn’t take away from the fact that I’d like to be in a relationship from time to time. As beautiful and fulfilling as I know that a relationship can be…it is hard work. I’m all for putting in grunt work, I’m all for rolling up the sleeves and maybe even having to get mired knee deep in some bullshit in order to get to the good stuff.
But… I feel like some labor laws have been broken by the amount of work I’ve had to put forth in the past. I need some comp time to recoup, otherwise I’m going to have to count my losses and retire.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Kiss Me & I'll Kiss You Back...*with exclusions*
I have been here for 5 hours and I am feeling like I live here again. I had planned a full weekend around my cousin’s event, of course.
I have cancelled all of them except Sunday’s football day with …Ken.
I’ve never liked that name. So...blah. Kenny is childish to me and Kenneth is…long…and for some reason names that end with “th” are so…highfaluting.
I ain’t into highfaluting.
Or maybe I am but not when it comes to names…lol
I am going to be in the DC area for the next 3 weekends so…me not keeping my “appointments” is no cause for worry. The more I think about it…I started wondering about my dating habits of late. What the reason was behind me dating…and whether I was making decisions based off of need, want, or my past.
Here is the run-down…
I am dating people that I know I am not going to get into long term relationships with. I think I am too committed to not being committed that I have started choosing people that aren’t really that interesting to me, out of state or like me, aren’t really committed to being committed.
I personally don’t think I am in a position to be in a committed relationship, which morally means…I shouldn’t be dating. Because as it stands…I am juggling some people’s feelings right now and at some point…I’m going to drop the ball. Why you ask? Because at the end of the day…I just don’t care anymore. I can take it or leave it and most times…I am ready to leave it before I even get started.
I guess I don’t really see things for what they are until I start telling people what’s going on with these men. As I start going down the list…I start seeing where…morally…I need to step the fuck back because someone is going to get their feelings/pride/or ego hurt…and it hasn’t been me…so far.
I recently had a conversation with someone about knowing when you shouldn’t be dating. I was saying…if you’re broke…and you are trying to date…stop it. If you can’t afford to treat a woman they way you know you have/should…then you probably shouldn’t be dating until you get your funds/mind/priorities right.
Well, of course I was applying it to men…broke ass men specifically. I am not high maintenance…sort of…but there are certain things that I expect us to do if we are dating…before we even get to the relationship part of the deal. If you can’t do those things…then you probably shouldn’t be dating me…Bloop.
Not saying you shouldn’t be dating anyone per se…but…definitely not me.
I happened to tell a guy that the other night after a "date".
I was going to pay the parking...he didn’t ask me to…I was just going to do it. Well, when I reached for my wallet it wasn’t there. I'd left my wallet in another purse. He made a comment about me purposely doing that, so that he’d have to pay for everything.
Huhn?
…so I get this right…because right now it sounds all wrong…let me see if I can get some clarification…
You mean to tell me…
YOU think I came out on a date that you asked me on…expecting to pay for something?
And YOU think that since I didn’t want to have to pay, that I left my wallet at home?
Is this what you are insinuating?
What the hell kind of woman is this man used to dating for him to think 1. I was going to pay for a date HE asked me on and 2. that I’m that gully that I’d plan to leave my wallet at home…with no cash…putting myself in jeopardy in case shit went south…just to avoid paying for something?
Ass.
*crickets*
He laughed nervously, then said…Noooo.
But then…he starts to ask me what I’m ordering, what I’m drinking, if I am having another mojito, I didn’t want dessert, did I?...
And it went on and on like that for the rest of the “date”.
So we pulled up in front of my place…and I when I got out of the car…I stood there with the door in my hand as I leaned in, looked him in the eyes…and I said, “since I know you are short on money (obviously)…let me go upstairs and bring some money down to you since you have been complaining all night about the wallet situation/the money situation/the cost of shit. And when I come back and give you my portion for my food and drinks…you can kindly not call me anymore and maybe think about dating when you can afford it.”
Slish swears someone is going to back-hand me one day.
Fortunately he didn’t. He stammered as he told me he enjoyed taking me out. That he was surprised I’d forgotten my wallet but as the night went on, he was just joking.
I told him…“I’m good”...which to everyone that knows me, means…I am definitely not good and I’m done!
I had to let him know that there is nothing more annoying then to hear a man talking about money…he doesn’t have. I don’t need to know you are on a budget. I don’t need to know you are low on funds right now. I don’t need to think that the man that I just met who is trying to “date” me…is stressing over a dinner bill from a restaurant he chose. I freaking $75 dinner bill at that.
I just took MYSELF to dinner and spent $115…for one person…
Obviously I date myself better than this muthafucka can! And he is working!
I went way off course with that story…
What I am saying is …people shouldn’t date unless they can afford to.
Which brings it back to me and my dating escapades, I can’t afford to date right now.
Emotionally.
I am really in this whole…I don’t care mode… an “oh well” mode. I’ll-probably-say-anything-without-choosing-my-words-nicely mode.
I am dating men that aren’t in my immediate area...so that I don’t have to be tied down to seeing someone on an on-going basis. I rarely answer my phone. I text randomly and inconsistently…and I never listen to my voicemail.
I think I am doing a disservice to these men who think they want to see how magically delicious I can be once they sample me lucky charms. Not only that, but I am doing myself a disservice by spreading myself so thin and not taking the time out to get over my bitterness to show them how magical I can truly be…for the right man.
Who have I become?
Well…
It’s not a good thing…it’s bad karma when a person walks away from you wishing they had never met you, I don’t want that…
I am bitter.
I love men. Love being around them, the feel of them, their voices, the way they smell, smile, laugh… I love their hardness, at the same time how sensitive they can be. I love their vulnerability and their decisiveness. I love how they take control but are not controlling. I love how they kiss, how they hold me tight while making love. I love their confidence, their camaraderie, the words they use and the unspoken words that are visible through their actions. I love men.
But right now…
I can’t afford to date until I get past this bitterness.
*I believe…I may be a little loopty right now. My auntie gave me some cold meds to sleep. Why she want me to go to sleep so bad?
Side-eyeing her sumptin fierce…sorta, I think. May just be the meds making me feel like I am side-eyeing her but probably looking at her with a lopsided goofy face. Why she want me to go to bed so bad?*
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Gamer Got Gamed
You ever been so sick that you forgot how it felt, to feel good?
That's where I was for the past 2 weeks.
But now...it's a brand new day and although I still have a slight case of bronchitis, the flu is gone...I am much much better.
So...last night I received a text from, the Fireman...random, nothing important type of text. Apparently there was a big fire somewhere in NY and his battalion [or whatever they are called] had spent 4 hours out at the fire. He said he was going to get drunk then go home and wash up since he smelled like he'd literally stepped out of a camp fire.
I hadn't really thought to much of it when he asked if he could stop by. Figured it would be an in and out type of thing. I live ridiculously close to him since I moved and although I haven't seen a problem with it thus far...I can see that it might end up bugging the hell out of me in the long run.
So he comes over and I am not overly gracious for the simple fact he never really said he was coming/no coming...so I wasn't prepared for my doorbell to ring.
I was in some scantly clad jamma outfit that I was definitely going to change if he decided he was coming over. Even I knew what I had on meant I might be open to some...bullshit.
I was in the middle of making some BBQ ribs...marinating them and getting them ready for today.
When be rang the doorbell ...way too many times...I finally answered and made sure to turn my back to him real quick because...well...it was chilly...and I told y'all I had some thin little jammas on...so...my nipples were hard little nubs that were almost painful...so I folded my arms over my chest and told him hello. Then tried to walk back to the bedroom...
...but he's drunk. And he wants a hug. And he slips in a quick feel or two. AND right there is when I knew that having him living this close was going to bug the fuck outta me.
I gave him the alli-oop and dodged his hands before they could take hold and went in the room and put on some sweats.
He starts telling me about the fire...and I almost let it slip that I am somewhat getting acquainted with another fireman...in New Jersey.
But held my tongue because I realize...I can't fuck up game.
I want to talk to him but right now, he can't be reasoned with because he becomes this other person when he's been drinking and where the respectful guy goes...is out the door...and this icky guy surfaces.
And once again...I go back to being turned off to the gajillionth degree.
So I sit at my table and continue to look up hotels for DC this weekend. And the first question he asks me about DC is, "are you going to see that one guy?"
At first I didn’t understand what guy because I still got a few there…and those few are who I am going to visit this weekend. Then it dawns on me that he is referring to the guy from the last two years.
Now normally nice respectful Fireman would never question me about another man...EVER. So it thru me off guard for a minute... but I told him that was never going to happen. He harrumphed and made a little comment under his breath, but loud enough for me to hear… as he took his seat. I looked at him sideways for a minute because ...really? These past 5 years that I have known Fireman...he's never had an opinion about any man...so...he's asking now because he's drunk...or has he been harboring some jealously all these years?
Then he asks me another doozy. He asks me if he can come with me to DC since he has the next 4 days off. Now had he asked me anywhere else I would have said yes…
But first off, this particular trip was because my cousin asked me. Second, I have actually set up 4 “dates” while I am going to be there…so him coming with me…ever…to DC is as good of chance as asking me to sit in a snake pit and me saying, sure!
Of course I can’t say that …I can’t fuck up game. And settle on the answer I give everyone that’s asked me… I am going to spend time with family, which is very much true…but with extra on the side.
He casually says he has to take a shower because he smells like smoke.
I ignored it.
I wasn't trying to have him all comfortable and ready to sleep over. I've only been here 13 days...I hadn't wanted any sleep-overs until California came to visit for in November.
But even with him…it won’t be this. It’ll be like a hand in glove.
I don't know...I just wanted to be selfish with my place until I said it was ok for someone to stay over. So I ignored his shower comment and kept it moving from living room to kitchen to laptop...
3 more times and I couldn't ignore him any longer. I started feeling bad because...well...as many times as I have been over his place and taking showers...and he always offered. He used to cook dinner and then bring me food in Harlem. He has turned the city upside down looking for my favorite champagne. He's paid my bills. He's bought me diamonds.
He's confessed his spaghetti no less.
So fuck it...why couldn’t he take his shower to wipe away the grime and smoke of a hard days work after protecting families and others people property at great risk to his own person...
He has an honorable job.
Overall he’s just a really good friend. But NOT that damn good if you catch my drift…
So I handed him a towel and wash cloth.
…but silently wondered why he’d take a shower if he had to put his stank clothes back on…
I'd gotten into looking at overstockdotcom and watching my dvd, that I completely lost track of time or anything around me and it wasn't until maybe 45 minutes later that it his me that it was awfully quiet and I hadn't seen or heard him.
I walked down the hallway and saw that the bathroom door was closed so I thought he was still in there, so I walked into my room to make it look like I wasn't stalking him...
And who the fuck is butt ass naked in my bed snoring like a fucking pig [do pig snore?]?????
This muthafucka right here!!!
I swear fo gawd I wanted to slap the shit out of him…I wanted to wake his drunk ass up and tell him to go home.
Oooooooo how I hated him being in my bed...in my new place...and without invitation from me!!!
I may have called him a bitch under my breath...I am pretty sure I did.
I closed the door behind me as I went back into the living room...
I just kept shaking my head in disgust and asking myself, “are you fucking kidding me??”
I wanted to make sure he was in the bed in deep sleep before I got in it...so I stayed up until 2am watching tv.
I crept in...coughed up a storm as I laid down, cursed myself for making too much noise lest I wake him.
Got in the bed and snuggled up in my covers...as I laid on the very edge. Making sure that no parts of him touched no parts of me…no toes, elbows or assholes…nothing!
I fell asleep for an hour...
…then was awaken by his loud ass snoring.
And again, I wanted to slap the shit out of him.
I can't stand anything worse then sleeping real good ...and then someone waking you up with some locomotive snores!
I felt miserable.
Today, I ignored every fucking text he sent me…lest he be drunk again…
He gamed me!
Had he been sober he would’ve probably had some octopus hands…but had he been sober…his ass wouldn’t have been snoring all up in my bed…I’dda sent his ass home!
That's where I was for the past 2 weeks.
But now...it's a brand new day and although I still have a slight case of bronchitis, the flu is gone...I am much much better.
So...last night I received a text from, the Fireman...random, nothing important type of text. Apparently there was a big fire somewhere in NY and his battalion [or whatever they are called] had spent 4 hours out at the fire. He said he was going to get drunk then go home and wash up since he smelled like he'd literally stepped out of a camp fire.
I hadn't really thought to much of it when he asked if he could stop by. Figured it would be an in and out type of thing. I live ridiculously close to him since I moved and although I haven't seen a problem with it thus far...I can see that it might end up bugging the hell out of me in the long run.
So he comes over and I am not overly gracious for the simple fact he never really said he was coming/no coming...so I wasn't prepared for my doorbell to ring.
I was in some scantly clad jamma outfit that I was definitely going to change if he decided he was coming over. Even I knew what I had on meant I might be open to some...bullshit.
I was in the middle of making some BBQ ribs...marinating them and getting them ready for today.
When be rang the doorbell ...way too many times...I finally answered and made sure to turn my back to him real quick because...well...it was chilly...and I told y'all I had some thin little jammas on...so...my nipples were hard little nubs that were almost painful...so I folded my arms over my chest and told him hello. Then tried to walk back to the bedroom...
...but he's drunk. And he wants a hug. And he slips in a quick feel or two. AND right there is when I knew that having him living this close was going to bug the fuck outta me.
I gave him the alli-oop and dodged his hands before they could take hold and went in the room and put on some sweats.
He starts telling me about the fire...and I almost let it slip that I am somewhat getting acquainted with another fireman...in New Jersey.
But held my tongue because I realize...I can't fuck up game.
I want to talk to him but right now, he can't be reasoned with because he becomes this other person when he's been drinking and where the respectful guy goes...is out the door...and this icky guy surfaces.
And once again...I go back to being turned off to the gajillionth degree.
So I sit at my table and continue to look up hotels for DC this weekend. And the first question he asks me about DC is, "are you going to see that one guy?"
At first I didn’t understand what guy because I still got a few there…and those few are who I am going to visit this weekend. Then it dawns on me that he is referring to the guy from the last two years.
Now normally nice respectful Fireman would never question me about another man...EVER. So it thru me off guard for a minute... but I told him that was never going to happen. He harrumphed and made a little comment under his breath, but loud enough for me to hear… as he took his seat. I looked at him sideways for a minute because ...really? These past 5 years that I have known Fireman...he's never had an opinion about any man...so...he's asking now because he's drunk...or has he been harboring some jealously all these years?
Then he asks me another doozy. He asks me if he can come with me to DC since he has the next 4 days off. Now had he asked me anywhere else I would have said yes…
But first off, this particular trip was because my cousin asked me. Second, I have actually set up 4 “dates” while I am going to be there…so him coming with me…ever…to DC is as good of chance as asking me to sit in a snake pit and me saying, sure!
Of course I can’t say that …I can’t fuck up game. And settle on the answer I give everyone that’s asked me… I am going to spend time with family, which is very much true…but with extra on the side.
He casually says he has to take a shower because he smells like smoke.
I ignored it.
I wasn't trying to have him all comfortable and ready to sleep over. I've only been here 13 days...I hadn't wanted any sleep-overs until California came to visit for in November.
But even with him…it won’t be this. It’ll be like a hand in glove.
I don't know...I just wanted to be selfish with my place until I said it was ok for someone to stay over. So I ignored his shower comment and kept it moving from living room to kitchen to laptop...
3 more times and I couldn't ignore him any longer. I started feeling bad because...well...as many times as I have been over his place and taking showers...and he always offered. He used to cook dinner and then bring me food in Harlem. He has turned the city upside down looking for my favorite champagne. He's paid my bills. He's bought me diamonds.
He's confessed his spaghetti no less.
So fuck it...why couldn’t he take his shower to wipe away the grime and smoke of a hard days work after protecting families and others people property at great risk to his own person...
He has an honorable job.
Overall he’s just a really good friend. But NOT that damn good if you catch my drift…
So I handed him a towel and wash cloth.
…but silently wondered why he’d take a shower if he had to put his stank clothes back on…
I'd gotten into looking at overstockdotcom and watching my dvd, that I completely lost track of time or anything around me and it wasn't until maybe 45 minutes later that it his me that it was awfully quiet and I hadn't seen or heard him.
I walked down the hallway and saw that the bathroom door was closed so I thought he was still in there, so I walked into my room to make it look like I wasn't stalking him...
And who the fuck is butt ass naked in my bed snoring like a fucking pig [do pig snore?]?????
This muthafucka right here!!!
I swear fo gawd I wanted to slap the shit out of him…I wanted to wake his drunk ass up and tell him to go home.
Oooooooo how I hated him being in my bed...in my new place...and without invitation from me!!!
I may have called him a bitch under my breath...I am pretty sure I did.
I closed the door behind me as I went back into the living room...
I just kept shaking my head in disgust and asking myself, “are you fucking kidding me??”
I wanted to make sure he was in the bed in deep sleep before I got in it...so I stayed up until 2am watching tv.
I crept in...coughed up a storm as I laid down, cursed myself for making too much noise lest I wake him.
Got in the bed and snuggled up in my covers...as I laid on the very edge. Making sure that no parts of him touched no parts of me…no toes, elbows or assholes…nothing!
I fell asleep for an hour...
…then was awaken by his loud ass snoring.
And again, I wanted to slap the shit out of him.
I can't stand anything worse then sleeping real good ...and then someone waking you up with some locomotive snores!
I felt miserable.
Today, I ignored every fucking text he sent me…lest he be drunk again…
He gamed me!
Had he been sober he would’ve probably had some octopus hands…but had he been sober…his ass wouldn’t have been snoring all up in my bed…I’dda sent his ass home!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Aye Aye, Capitán!
I call myself going on a date…well...it isn’t a date to me but I know it is for him. Either way, here I am dressed all basic…jeans, white sneakers, white t and a little jacket…I look like I have on my teenage daughters clothes…if I had a teenage daughter. I haven’t been out of the house since forever and I have been sick…since forever…well 11 days is forever to me and I have cabin fever…so I initiated a conversation that I am sure would have never taken place had I not…reached out.
I am bored and tired of this condo I tell ya!!
Well, I had just gotten off the phone with fireman and he’d told me that if I take a couple of shots of Cpt Morgans…I won’t cough.
As some of you know from talking to me…I cough up a lung every time I talk…mild case of bronchitis since flu is slowly…s.l.o.w.l.y. leaving my body… (and maybe a slight case of pink eye...odd.) Since I have been either in a medicated high or a drunk ass high from hot toddies…I happen to have Cpt. Morgans Black Cask 100 Proof sitting all snuggly on my counter looking at me with that pirates smirk and swarthy sex appeal exuding from under his cap…
So my shot glasses are actually 2 shots deep. Me and my heavy hand…double downed the Captain…twice. I slurped down all the Captains juices and wondered how long before I could get me some more of that good stuff that the Captain was so ready to put to my lips…make me open up wide and take straight to the back of the throat.
So…he says, I want to go to the movie…I want you to come with…and I want you to let me touch you in the dark while we laugh…
Since the last time I had a man touch me…I’ve not let a man touch me…since.
So, I’m game...for a movie…and at the moment he called and asked…I was game for touching. Problem is…I am here waiting on him to pick me up…and I am no longer game for…touching. Muchless, umm, even holding my hand. Muchless-less, even making conversation.
Maybe I should flask it to the movies…
LOL
What say you Capitán??
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Dream A Little Dream for Me...
As some of you may or may not know…I have been sick…bedridden sick and quite delirious. Ok, I know I am making it sound a billion times worse than it really was but…believe me that I was sick …and bed ridden…
With that said…I had 3 dreams in the midst of my delirium…3 very odd and disturbing dreams...well maybe not disturbing but definitely made me sit back and think of what all of them could mean.
Setup to 1st dream:
I don’t know how many of you have seen Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhal but this dream bordered on sexual and professional.
I was working for my last boss, a multi-million dollar CEO, who had on more than one occasion made good use of his hands while touching my bodily parts…as far as he was concerned I was part of the package when he took his Chairman of the Board position.
At first I was sort of curious because here, this white silver haired gentleman in his mid 60’s was trying to get my attention every time I turned around. At first I was just wondering if I was over-reacting as most cute women are want to do when someone is nice to them…we tend to think everyone is trying to make some sort of move towards us. As the years went by I took his mild flirting as office politics concerning getting things done in a speedy fashion…it’s done the world over…whether by bringing in coffee and donuts, to offering to pick up something for lunch while one is out of the office.
As days meld into months and months into more years…He’d touch me when it was not needed and giving me hugs when they weren’t warranted…
Clearly, he had planted naughty thoughts into my head…
DREAM 1
Scene1: Me at a size 6, black pencil skirt with fishnets, 4 inch patent leather heels and a crisp white short sleeve shirt that bow tied at the neck.
I was straddling him at his desk and giving him a head massage. I remember my right breast occasionally brushing against his lower lip depending on how far back on his head I massaged. His right and left hands were also on my left and right thigh…he was enjoying the feel of the fishnets as they stretched taught against my thighs and ass.
Scene2: Same outfit but this time I was bending over the antique round table he’d brought back from Asia…he was behind me about to tear my fishnets as he was trying to make a big enough hole for him to slip his cock thru to get to my bare and shaved sugar walls…just as someone walked into his office…we both looked back with surprised looks…
Scene3: He had a meeting at the table I was just bending over and I’d come in to bring tea to the men and he dropped a pen on the floor and I bent down to pick up the pen and exposed my garter and fire engine red lace panties and he excused him self from the meeting and took me into the CFO’s office and made me spank him for dropping his pen, with a small leather paddle that left his ass blood red. He bent down at my feet and sucked my toes before I let him go back into his meeting.
Setup to 2nd dream
Dude introduced me to one of his best friends.
This friend I was only around once. He was nice, in a young way. Dude always spoke more positively about this friend then any other one. When I met him he was cordial but I never got a good feeling from him either. Not bad, just not good. I wasn’t attracted to him in the least and at the time, I couldn’t think of any of my friends that would be attracted to him right off the bat… he was ordinary to me…or so I thought…
DREAM 2
Scene:
I knew the caller as soon as I saw the caller ID and wondered what Jamal could possibly be calling me for. I almost didn’t pick it up thinking it might be news about Dude. Good or bad, I didn’t care to hear it.
But curiosity got me and…
Hey you, what’s up?
Hey Bloop, this is Jahmal
I know silly…what’s going on?
Just checking in on you to make sure all is good with you.
Now why would you be doing that Jahmal?
Aw, c’mon Bloop…just wondering.
I am good. Happy.
That’s good to hear. I am happy for you. Say look, there was another reason for me calling… I am going to be in New York City for a couple of days for work…was wondering if you could tell me a few places to hang out. Dude always used to talk about all the places you’d taken him to…so I wanted to see what you had for me. Any suggestions.
Sure Jahmal.
Scene2:
I’d worn jeans, a colorful shirt and some heels. In between responding to text, silly shit to random guys, I kept looking to the elevator. Nervous, a little, but more than ready for drama if it was going to unfold.
I glanced up and there he was stepping off the elevator…walking towards me with a boyish grin on his face. He looked like he was caught between good and bad…hesitant.
Scene3:
I took him to China 1. Knew I shouldn’t have because it was a very romantic and intimate lounge, if that is at all possible. When I am in the right atmosphere I can be more than what can be denied. I wasn’t looking for that. Flirted with all the random white dudes. Danced with all the random Asian chicks and wanted him to do him…because he looked scared. He made me uneasy as if any minute I was going to turn around and see Dude standing inches from me with crazy stuck in his eyes.
Scene4:
His head was resting on my lap on the taxi ride up to the hotel, he’d drank one more than he should have, my influence of course. This big ol man, so soft and cuddly in the back of this cramped taxi. He kept murmuring his wifes name. I smiled. Glad that nothing was as I thought it might be. He really just called to hang out.
Scene5:
He asked me why I hadn’t invited him to my place, despite hanging out with him 3 days in a row.
Told him I lived further out, I am no longer in the city. And why would I?
He said he’d still like to consider us friends despite who introduced us.
I told him I never thought we were friends, I never thought he was someone I could call on…and I still didn’t. Let him know he had surprised me by hanging out, the way Dude talked about him…I’d never thought that he would be the type of friend that would keep in contact with one of Dude's ex’s.
He mentioned how he had his own thoughts about that whole situation and how it was handled. He felt bad for both of us. He said he guessed that’s why he wanted to see if I was happy.
Scene6:
He leaned in…and I didn’t move. He leaned further and I felt his bottom lip touch my top lip…felt his bottom lip fit itself into the space between my top and bottom lip. I felt my back being pressed into the kitchen counter, it hurt. But I didn’t move. Well, I did move…my tongue. I brought it out and tasted his lips as he sucked on my lips and then I felt his tongue tasting my tongue and I thought that I was going to have an orgasmn right there, just like that. He tasted like the Jack n’ Coke I’d fixed him early. I may have gotten drunk off his lips to…it could have been the leftover Jack n’ Coke…either way…I didn’t move.
By the time he lifted me onto the counter and started slowly lifting my skirt, I realized that I was unbuckling his belt and headed straight for the zipper on his pants when it dawned on both of us at the very same time...what we were doing.
We stopped.
Looked at eachother…both swore, him a “fuck”, me an “oh shit”…we looked away from eathother but yet…we didn’t move away.
I slightly pushed away…hopped down from the counter and left him there. Did what I always do…put on my jazz, lit some candles…went back into the kitchen and lead him by his hand to the bedroom…sat him on the bed then closed my bedroom door.
Setup for 3rd dream
My grandmother and uncle have past away. They have been gone for some years now. My uncle first, about 13 years and then my grandmother about 8 years.
DREAM 3
Scene: I am sitting in a classroom. Clearly it’s an elementary classroom. I am sitting at a table in one of those miniature tables that they have for kids. My knees are scrapping the bottom of the table as I try to pull my legs underneath. I settle on pulling my legs under with my legs crossed at the ankles.
I am watching some sort of play…but the only people are my grandmother and my uncle…there seem to be a lot of people watching the play but when I turn my head to look behind me…I realize I am the only one in the room.
I can’t here any noise. Not even the words to the play.
Its like it’s all being done telepathically.
After the play is complete…my grandmother and uncle come to sit at the table with me. Although no words are spoken aloud, they are very adamant about what they are trying to tell me.
I can tell that they are getting frustrated with me. Because even though I haven’t said anything, I am in disagreement with whatever they want.
My uncle gets up from the table and goes to the door where there is a bright white light shining in the hallway…he goes to leave then turns back around and waves at me to follow him.
I don’t. I continue to “talk” with my grandmother.
She starts begging me and it looks like I am hurting her.
She gets up, to go to the door. She starts to walk through the door to the bright white light.
She turns to me like my uncle had…
She waves me toward her urging me to come with her.
She is yelling at me [silently] to follow her.
I shake my head no and tell her that I can’t.
She tells me I can, just to get up from the table and come.
I get up, push my miniature chair under the little kids table and take two steps then stop.
I look at her and cry, she cries too.
I tell her I can’t come.
She puts her arm down, then she bows her head and turns and walks into the bright light.
With that said…I had 3 dreams in the midst of my delirium…3 very odd and disturbing dreams...well maybe not disturbing but definitely made me sit back and think of what all of them could mean.
Setup to 1st dream:
I don’t know how many of you have seen Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhal but this dream bordered on sexual and professional.
I was working for my last boss, a multi-million dollar CEO, who had on more than one occasion made good use of his hands while touching my bodily parts…as far as he was concerned I was part of the package when he took his Chairman of the Board position.
At first I was sort of curious because here, this white silver haired gentleman in his mid 60’s was trying to get my attention every time I turned around. At first I was just wondering if I was over-reacting as most cute women are want to do when someone is nice to them…we tend to think everyone is trying to make some sort of move towards us. As the years went by I took his mild flirting as office politics concerning getting things done in a speedy fashion…it’s done the world over…whether by bringing in coffee and donuts, to offering to pick up something for lunch while one is out of the office.
As days meld into months and months into more years…He’d touch me when it was not needed and giving me hugs when they weren’t warranted…
Clearly, he had planted naughty thoughts into my head…
DREAM 1
Scene1: Me at a size 6, black pencil skirt with fishnets, 4 inch patent leather heels and a crisp white short sleeve shirt that bow tied at the neck.
I was straddling him at his desk and giving him a head massage. I remember my right breast occasionally brushing against his lower lip depending on how far back on his head I massaged. His right and left hands were also on my left and right thigh…he was enjoying the feel of the fishnets as they stretched taught against my thighs and ass.
Scene2: Same outfit but this time I was bending over the antique round table he’d brought back from Asia…he was behind me about to tear my fishnets as he was trying to make a big enough hole for him to slip his cock thru to get to my bare and shaved sugar walls…just as someone walked into his office…we both looked back with surprised looks…
Scene3: He had a meeting at the table I was just bending over and I’d come in to bring tea to the men and he dropped a pen on the floor and I bent down to pick up the pen and exposed my garter and fire engine red lace panties and he excused him self from the meeting and took me into the CFO’s office and made me spank him for dropping his pen, with a small leather paddle that left his ass blood red. He bent down at my feet and sucked my toes before I let him go back into his meeting.
Setup to 2nd dream
Dude introduced me to one of his best friends.
This friend I was only around once. He was nice, in a young way. Dude always spoke more positively about this friend then any other one. When I met him he was cordial but I never got a good feeling from him either. Not bad, just not good. I wasn’t attracted to him in the least and at the time, I couldn’t think of any of my friends that would be attracted to him right off the bat… he was ordinary to me…or so I thought…
DREAM 2
Scene:
I knew the caller as soon as I saw the caller ID and wondered what Jamal could possibly be calling me for. I almost didn’t pick it up thinking it might be news about Dude. Good or bad, I didn’t care to hear it.
But curiosity got me and…
Hey you, what’s up?
Hey Bloop, this is Jahmal
I know silly…what’s going on?
Just checking in on you to make sure all is good with you.
Now why would you be doing that Jahmal?
Aw, c’mon Bloop…just wondering.
I am good. Happy.
That’s good to hear. I am happy for you. Say look, there was another reason for me calling… I am going to be in New York City for a couple of days for work…was wondering if you could tell me a few places to hang out. Dude always used to talk about all the places you’d taken him to…so I wanted to see what you had for me. Any suggestions.
Sure Jahmal.
Scene2:
I’d worn jeans, a colorful shirt and some heels. In between responding to text, silly shit to random guys, I kept looking to the elevator. Nervous, a little, but more than ready for drama if it was going to unfold.
I glanced up and there he was stepping off the elevator…walking towards me with a boyish grin on his face. He looked like he was caught between good and bad…hesitant.
Scene3:
I took him to China 1. Knew I shouldn’t have because it was a very romantic and intimate lounge, if that is at all possible. When I am in the right atmosphere I can be more than what can be denied. I wasn’t looking for that. Flirted with all the random white dudes. Danced with all the random Asian chicks and wanted him to do him…because he looked scared. He made me uneasy as if any minute I was going to turn around and see Dude standing inches from me with crazy stuck in his eyes.
Scene4:
His head was resting on my lap on the taxi ride up to the hotel, he’d drank one more than he should have, my influence of course. This big ol man, so soft and cuddly in the back of this cramped taxi. He kept murmuring his wifes name. I smiled. Glad that nothing was as I thought it might be. He really just called to hang out.
Scene5:
He asked me why I hadn’t invited him to my place, despite hanging out with him 3 days in a row.
Told him I lived further out, I am no longer in the city. And why would I?
He said he’d still like to consider us friends despite who introduced us.
I told him I never thought we were friends, I never thought he was someone I could call on…and I still didn’t. Let him know he had surprised me by hanging out, the way Dude talked about him…I’d never thought that he would be the type of friend that would keep in contact with one of Dude's ex’s.
He mentioned how he had his own thoughts about that whole situation and how it was handled. He felt bad for both of us. He said he guessed that’s why he wanted to see if I was happy.
Scene6:He leaned in…and I didn’t move. He leaned further and I felt his bottom lip touch my top lip…felt his bottom lip fit itself into the space between my top and bottom lip. I felt my back being pressed into the kitchen counter, it hurt. But I didn’t move. Well, I did move…my tongue. I brought it out and tasted his lips as he sucked on my lips and then I felt his tongue tasting my tongue and I thought that I was going to have an orgasmn right there, just like that. He tasted like the Jack n’ Coke I’d fixed him early. I may have gotten drunk off his lips to…it could have been the leftover Jack n’ Coke…either way…I didn’t move.
By the time he lifted me onto the counter and started slowly lifting my skirt, I realized that I was unbuckling his belt and headed straight for the zipper on his pants when it dawned on both of us at the very same time...what we were doing.
We stopped.
Looked at eachother…both swore, him a “fuck”, me an “oh shit”…we looked away from eathother but yet…we didn’t move away.
I slightly pushed away…hopped down from the counter and left him there. Did what I always do…put on my jazz, lit some candles…went back into the kitchen and lead him by his hand to the bedroom…sat him on the bed then closed my bedroom door.
Setup for 3rd dream
My grandmother and uncle have past away. They have been gone for some years now. My uncle first, about 13 years and then my grandmother about 8 years.
DREAM 3
Scene: I am sitting in a classroom. Clearly it’s an elementary classroom. I am sitting at a table in one of those miniature tables that they have for kids. My knees are scrapping the bottom of the table as I try to pull my legs underneath. I settle on pulling my legs under with my legs crossed at the ankles.
I am watching some sort of play…but the only people are my grandmother and my uncle…there seem to be a lot of people watching the play but when I turn my head to look behind me…I realize I am the only one in the room.
I can’t here any noise. Not even the words to the play.
Its like it’s all being done telepathically.
After the play is complete…my grandmother and uncle come to sit at the table with me. Although no words are spoken aloud, they are very adamant about what they are trying to tell me.
I can tell that they are getting frustrated with me. Because even though I haven’t said anything, I am in disagreement with whatever they want.
My uncle gets up from the table and goes to the door where there is a bright white light shining in the hallway…he goes to leave then turns back around and waves at me to follow him.
I don’t. I continue to “talk” with my grandmother.
She starts begging me and it looks like I am hurting her.
She gets up, to go to the door. She starts to walk through the door to the bright white light.She turns to me like my uncle had…
She waves me toward her urging me to come with her.
She is yelling at me [silently] to follow her.
I shake my head no and tell her that I can’t.
She tells me I can, just to get up from the table and come.
I get up, push my miniature chair under the little kids table and take two steps then stop.
I look at her and cry, she cries too.
I tell her I can’t come.
She puts her arm down, then she bows her head and turns and walks into the bright light.
