Writing My Wrongs

Yea, I am here..and as soon as I got into the terminal while waiting on the tour guide...I had to tak a picture of my foot... IT'S IS TWICE THE SIZE IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE. They are swollen. Look at the ankles...man, I use to have cute little feet...now I look like I have someone's grandma feet..all swollen and shit.
Oh yea...that's the tat.

Posting an old post...just because I have no time or energy to post some original shit.
By the way...if you eva eva come to China...please remember to bring a role or two of toilet paper.

Slish wants to write the story of the night he, Corporate America and I went out...He's banned from talking about it.
His story of course will be MORE than slightly biased....after all....Slishy always likes to be seen in the best possible light.........but then there is Slasher....

I told him that he is banned from talking about that night...well not the night...but the END of that night...or better yet...the next morning...or rather, the next afternoon.

I will give Slish credit now...so that he has some warm and fuzzies...and because when it comes down to it............he and I have always had a good time.

So the night begins with no one having anything to do and all of us wanting to get into something....or someone.

I am excited because I haven't been out in a minute and Slish and I are as such that we have by-passsed all the flirty-seeing-if-it's-going-to-go-anywhere shit. We are friends with friendly attractions and no desire for anything else......or so I thought.

I think I was rushing home from work...or something like that because I still had on my work clothes and barely had time to run up stairs to clean the necessary areas before Slishy comes pulling up in the Bat-mobile. Lucky for me that I am wearing a low-cut frilly brown shirt and some bad ass brown 3 inch heels with gold trim.....because Slish says,

"You look GRRRREAT! Delicious even! and by-the-way, Corporate America is coming with, do you mind?"
I am thinking, I FINALLY get to meet Corporate American who I have a huge blog crush on (even though he DOESN'T have a blog...lol) So of course I tried to hide my smile and am glad that my damn hair is acting right and that I have some money in my pocket...

(THAT is a small story in itself...I like being able to buy a man I am interested a drink or two...and if I am REALLY digging him...I definitely want him a little tipsy so that I can fondle him...yea, I'mma bit of a perv....but y'all knew this!)

I tell Slish I have no problem with Corporate coming with us....not showng him that my little eggs are doing summersaults in hopes of some new ass.

Slish calls CA and tells him that we are on the way and he takes me up to where my-next-baby-daddy-wanna-be is gonna be. Slish says "Let's see if CA will drive, his ride is bigger and he usually likes to show-off anyway"..........Slish get's a call.....says ok....and next thing I know....someone is sliding in the backseat talking some major shit! lol

Slish and CA are going back and forth and cracking jokes and then Slish says....

"Bloopty this is CA, CA this is Bloopty"
Me? I bend my head back and make sure that he my loooong hair (not that long fa real) falls into his lap and with a juicy-wanna-fuck-you smile, I say...........

"yo son, what's up?"....................LMAO Naw, I didn't say that....I said "hello"....he's said "pleasure to meet you..." and I said (very low) "not yet baby".......
........and turned back around to face the front...............Silence......... that's how I like 'em. It's like you can here a man's brain thinking..... LOL
I know both him and Slish were thinking....."did she say that? naw, she couldn't have. naw, she wouldn't have. But since I don't know...I ain't saying shit!"
I smile to myself...fuck 'em if they didn't hear me and fuck 'em if they did....LOL

Now as they are talking jibber jabber..........jibber FUCKING jabber........I just sit and take in the fact that I am free...ya see, I had just ended it with my constant and had pretty much tried to shut down my reliable and tonight I didn't want to pull from the "reserve" stock, so I was sitting back and feeling as snug as a bug.....not paying attention to men's conversation (I rarely do...which is a bad habit, but if it doesn't concern me directly or money....or me AND money...then I ain't interested usually) I am just enjoying the vibe.....

Finally they let me into the conversation and Slish and I have our own silent language....we look at eachother sometimes and know what the fuck just happened....then laugh. Or we give eachother the eye....as if to say...don't say shit. We also have this huge sarcastic yet playful friendship...how that began??? It's just always been that way...from day one. Like today, I called him at work and the first thing I said was "where the fuck you been muthafucka you know I got shit to say to you"....he laughs and says "I luv when you talk shit!".........that's just us. Buddies.

As we are doing all this by-play CA cuts in and starts to ask me questions.....
.....I'll break in real quick to let my reading audience know that THIS action right here.......proceeds through the evening...... CA is like Bloopty.......we like being visible. Me? I just like being seen and acknowledge and drawing people in like a moth to a flame, CA NEEDS to BE the center of attention 99.9% of the time. If he's not........he get's pouty.

CA is cute. Cute in a little muncheechee way. Cute, cuddly and cute some more. Actually his little arrogant ass would be perfectly my type (if I had a type) but 2 things are a no-no in my book.
1) CA is yeller......not yeller like me but a lite skin dude none-the-less....I don't do lite skin AT ALL....ok well I do...but it's not my preference. 2nd thing) I don't find out until we get out of the car........he's short. I am only 5'4....5'7 with heels on.......I'm taller than him with my 3 inch heels on. Ok...I'm small..........so if me be taller than you..........then you be tiny!

I can handle the OUTRAGEOUS arrogance. I can handle you having to be the center of attention. I can handle you being a tad bit louder than you need to be. I might even can handle your corny ass jokes....................but my picky and petty ass can not handle a wee bit o' man.

Either way....I'm flirting...why? 'Cause I can dammit! He likes the attention....and I'm good at flirting, so hence........the games have begun.

We get to Dewey's and Slish parks and CA get's out the car and mosey up to me and has the nerve to put his arm around my waste...on the lower back no less (...you women know...lower back action means we fucking! well that's what the world around us thinks even if we KNOW that ain't going down!) Sooo I look........down.......into his eyes and smile another juicy smile and say "your a friendly wee bit 'o man, aren't yea?"

OK....I didn't say that last part....but I was thinking it.He laughs and snuggles up to my neck and puts his smooth ass full lips on my ear (like a kiss) and says..........

The journey requires more than I had packed. I had the essentials – but in comparison to the length of my journey – had not read up on what would be needed.
~love~

“I know you can’t afford it…so I am going to put that money back into your account. I really enjoyed my birthday dinner…well, more so the company.”

Ya’ll know that I am not the sharpest tool in the tool shed… I thought the pop-up IM from the other night was sort of telling me that all is good but he had moved on…?
Yet, today it’s all lovey dovey and kissy-poo from him…the Fireman.
Clearly, either I have lost my game… or I am just too lazy to figure out what the hell he’s beating around the bush about.
Actually to be totally honest… I am sorta ok with not knowing…matter-of-facto…I’d rather not know he is tryna slide his way back into hanging out with me…
Knowing brings responsibility.

I am done with being responsible dammit!

Hence…I FINALLY got my tattoo on the top of my foot. This past weekend was the Tattoo Convention at Roseland Ballroom in midtown New York City!!!
I was this close from getting a Tramp Stamp and still might once I get a job.

If you don’t have a tattoo…DON’T because tattooing is wack…lol
Once you get started you don’t want to stop. I keep thinking in the back of my head that at 80 years old…my tats aren’t going to look anything like the original. Oh well, to late now.

Also, I don’t really like the tat. It’s not what I wanted. Why get it…because dammit.

There were a lot of tattoo artist from all over the world at the convention…and the artist I wanted to go to was from Brazil…whose schedule was filled for the whole weekend. The other was from Taiwan… I should have just waited until I got to China… oh well…hmmm, I still might get one while I am there.
The one I finally decided on was from LA…BADA on York Blvd… I guess since I am linking them I should clarify…I like the tattoo. Just wasn’t quite as dainty as I pictured or the color I wanted… but it’s permanent…and all I need is for a couple of ppl to tell me they like it and then I will be convinced. The guys were really nice...and the fact that they were a very solicitous towards me made me choose them. A damn a cute face gets me everytime.

Either way...so this place is packed…with Betty Page wanna be’s or anyone of those pin-up girls from back in the 40’s. They are walking around with the least amount of clothes and stripper heels…tryna show off their tattoos…and their …wares. Guys are getting sleeves and their necks or bald heads tatted…here I am…at a booth getting a tattoo…one of maybe 10 black people in the whole spot… and I am crying like a fucking baby. Do you all not know that the foot is one of the most sensitive spots to get a tattoo…for one…it’s skin directly on bone…needle on skin against bone is not quite the feeling of pain I like…if you know what I mean.
I had my back to the crowd that had gathered to see the process…and I have my sunglasses on and I am trying to hold my lips between my teeth so it won’t quiver like a big ass baby. I don’t think I was fooling anyone.
I should have drunk before I went… I should have taken some morphine before I went.

I am thinking of…lipo.
Vagina rejuvenation
And a nose job.

I am thinking my sunshine isn’t as tight as it use to be…2 kids and 30 even years later…I can see where it might have loosened up. Not too mention the big ass dick that’s been up in that piece.
That was vulgar…and entirely untrue.
Lord knows that I’ve ran across some little dick.

Tonight is the first night of summer pool league.
Now, back in the day…I’d wear a relatively low cut shirt…figured that mounds of feminine softness might throw off some man’s game…especially if I sorta flirted.

*Yea, I tend to set women’s lib back everyday that I have the looks to still be able to get my way*

However, more and more women are starting to get interested in the game…and generally the league I play with…it’s usually perky little white NYU students…
Everything about them bitches is perky…attitude, ass, breast…I hate ‘em.

So now I just walk in with my cue stick filled with confidence and try to intimidate my opponent with silence. Getting old is wack YO!

The rest of the weekend…pina colodas, some Amstel Light, 4 netflix movies, and no porn…still!

I leave for China on Wednesday…so EX-CITED!!! *even though I will be on my monthly while there…that sucks!*

Disturbing Thing #4:
I tend to look at a man’s hands to determine if he is a viable prospect. They have to be big, soft, and clean, low cut nails (prefer manicured)…but not for reasons you might think………or maybe for the EXACT reason you might think. I liked the ass slapped so I need a big hand…and they have to be soft. I need for the nails to be short in case he wants to put his finger in a place that is soft, sensitive and wet. Which means they HAVE to be clean as well. ChezNiki talked about sex being constantly on the brain as she got older…I am thinking she is right…’cause I often feel so perverted as I am out in the city meeting people and thinking all kinds of sexual fantasies.

You ever take someone out for their birthday and end up spending way way more than you planned. Opting for a fairly cheesy place ‘cause you figured the end result would be a fairly cheap dinner of you and them drunk and noshing on food while cracking jokes at waitresses with yellow eye shadow and those big as goth looking Frankenstein shoes…

Sidenote: Tell me this, who invented that whole Frankenstein shoe for women…and why would a woman try to pair those with a dress and think it might be cute and sexy?

Well…I had 2 margaritas…bday friend had 2 Dos Equis and 2 shots of patron…along with random fake Mexican food…I figured the bill would be around $70 …to my unemployed ass’s surprise… the fucking bill was $170!!!
Caliente Cab is out of their fucking mind…no, seriously! I mean besides their freshly made quacamole…the place is wack. And that’s not just me blasting them for the bill…that’s for real…wack.

Now regularly I don’t take dudes out for bday dinners…but this particular man, back in the day was actually a great boyfriend despite he wasn’t mine. He didn’t belong to anyone else…it’s just he wasn’t mine. I sorta kinda a little bit didn’t want him as mine and I already know that is a horrible thing to say so shut up.

It was the Fireman. He has bought me gift after gift and paid this or that bill for me. Put up with more bullshit than any man should have to and still said Spaghetti when he should have been saying Peace out bitch!
I hearted Fireman but hearting someone doesn’t mean being their exclusive boo, does it? I mean…shouldn’t one feel chemistry for a life long situation?
And life long situation seems like a long time if you aren’t really into him all that much.

Well my cheap ass had only planned on spending $70 on a bday dinner… which in the big picture of things is very scrooge-ish…but y’all I am B-ROKE. I literally am broke...no, seriously...but I can't say I'll take you to dinner for your bday and then at the end ask him to pay for his own damn birthday dinner...
*or can I?*

*SIGH*

He got drunk and my drunkard-ness didn’t quite hit me until I had made it home and was on the phone with Dude…when all the sudden…mid-sentence…I slurred.
And I heard myself slur. Like a stumble then a slur.
I kept on talking but all the while I am praying he didn't hear me.
(This morning he called and asked if I had a hangover...drats!)
I hate letting Dude think I am tipsy. Matter of fact, I only like him knowing I am drinking when he is around.
That’s why I never call him after I have had some alcohol in my system.
…but out of the blue…that muthaeffa called me at 1:30 in the morning.
Ummm, was that a checkup call…was he checking up on me to see if I was home? Let me find out this man is covertly tryna know about my goings on.

So, after hanging out and floating between bars and lounges on Thompson in the village (Greenwich Village; west village for those not in the know)…I decided to take the subway home…normally I wouldn’t have taken the train so late but because I HAD SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON A DAMN DINNER THAT COST WAY TOO MUCH I didn’t have any cash on me to take a taxi…and I don’t go to ATMS in NYC late at night. Dunno, maybe it’s still some of my scary ass ways that prevent me from getting MY money when I need it.

I get home and for some reason I am on my computer and I get a pop up IM message from Fireman telling me…

“…love isn't the right word for what I felt for you. not strong enough. That's why Spaghetti was so ridiculous that it seemed to fit. Timing can be a bitch sometimes. I hope you find whatever it is that you want/need Bloop but recognize it when you do.”

Now I am thinking…
Little parting shots like that sort of bug. I mean, what do I do with that? Do I respond…do I ask him to explain…or do I do what I usually do…and sorta just pretend I logged off before I read that…*lol…no no no, I don’t really do that…not all the time*

I responded with, “it was good seeing you and I hope you had a good nite out with me.
Then I sign off…
Don’t know how that went over but I figure…if he calls again…then it wasn’t as bad as I felt it was.

Early in the evening we were talking about crazy bitches…or love…the one that men just can’t seem to walk away from, no matter how hard they try they’ll always come back to the one chick that is the worst for them.
He said, “you must get that all the time.”

*ummm, whatchu mean by that Bro-Ham?!!*

I ignored that comment because I generally try not to talk about other men to current men I am sitting in front of…bad business and I usually end up lying about something that didn’t need a lie to go with it.
Eh, I’m like that…get uncomfortable…and I lie.
But the bad thing is, I am a HORRIBLE liar and so they end up knowing I am lying and I know they know I am lying. Then I sorta laugh…’cause I know I am busted.
So I just jumped into the next topic…
But my mind wandered back to thinking…
Me?
I am the crazy bitch? *not crazy and psycho but crazy as in not good for someone’s heart and peace of mind*
Again…me?

Ok…
fuck…
yes…I have been that chick…but that shouldn’t apply now…in my advanced years and whatnot…NO, it shouldn’t. I am much more mature now and I can see when a situation isn’t what it needs to be…and I walk away.
Don’t I?

Then I start thinking…
… in the past year I have “broke up” with dude a good 50 billion times…and no matter what I say or how I say it or how mean and manipulative I might have been…
He doesn’t walk away and he doesn’t let me go.
He fights to make me stay.
Am I the equivalent to his “crazy bitch”?
Wait…or maybe…he’s MY crazy bitch…love…*whichever applies.*

?????
I do not have time to think about all this…as if I don’t have other real life shit that I need to focus on…now all the sudden I am…
The...

Disturbing Fact #3:

I am finding that I require a certain amount of sexual pain to feel like I have felt something during intercourse. I am not speaking of just an ass smack...but more like an ass slap. I am not talking punching/beating or anyother disturbing physical violence...but a certain amount of pain. I am speaking...some rough shit. Of course this can only be done with someone I totally trust...totally, in case their ass gets outta control and forgets what the fuck STOP means. It's not every time...but I'd say lately...it's been a lot of the time.

Sidenote: Should we ever meet in person...this topic (and many like it) are complete no-no's for topics up for discussion.

I have been struggling all day to remember what it is that I have been up to but…everything seems so jumbled. Ever been like that before? When one mishap in your life seems to upset the whole groove of how you function.

Let me think…
I told you about me being in Maryland. Not a success but I enjoyed being there and am very anxious to live there. I tell you by July 1 I am in that piece SON!

I was going to take pictures of my ankles…so you can see the ridiculousness in how I abuse my body. I had a bruise the size of a nerf football on my shin/ankle/foot…it’s attributed to the night out I had at The Orgy show. I sorta drank too many white Russians and then sorta fell down my concrete steps in these heels…

Which, as you can see in pic, lead me to somehow breaking my floor candle holder. Yea, it was pretty bad but…up until that point…was fun as fuck…I think. Two weeks later, and candle holder is still on the floor with shards of glass that keep me from walking over by my tv. If I loose my remote I will be shit outta luck. Why not just clean it up and throw it away? That would make too much sense dammit.

I will say that that weekend the purple rope was introduced and I was actually ridden like a damn rodeo horse but…that too might have just been my imagination…although, it wasn’t the same night as the drunkenness…hmmm

I haven’t had any dates in the week that I have been back from DC area. Just not feelin’ anyone. I don’t feel like being “entertaining”…and if we can’t sit through some hot wings and some beer in silence while watching play-offs…then I’d rather not even be bothered with nonsense… ‘cause as I have said…miscellaneous isn’t walking up in this spot anymore.

Monday I spent the day in the bed…partly because I was hung over from drinking 2 Bloody Mary’s and having 3 shots of Patron (yes muthafucka, I know I need to learn to mix correct liquors instead of random picks!) on Sunday evening. I normally drink Bloody Mary’s when I am hungry…tomato juice and all. At the time, seemed like a good plan…but even the best laid plans of mice and men can…get fucked up every now and then. Just sayin’.

Allow me my vices right now…I am going through some shit dammit!

The other reason I was in bed all day was because I have been having what you’d call PDS…pre/post-stress syndrome. I am constantly nauseated and my stomach feels like it’s being torn apart. My father-dear seems to think I should go get checked for an ulcer…umm, would daddy, but I have no job…which means no insurance. That of course is bullshit for me just not wanting to go sit at the DR’s office. There is actually a place that I can go…relatively cheap and non-clinic-like. Blah!

So, because my pappy knows I am going through some thangs… he has decided the best way to get my mind off some shit and remove me from my circumstances for a minute…
Is to take me to China.

So yesterday I spent 5 hours at the Chinese Consulate in NYC to get a visa… I should hang out there every day until I leave… ...as I was telling AJ…
I don’t like when ppl don’t speak English. Might as well get used to listening to Chinese on a regular. I know that’s borderline racist…or is that bigotry? Either way, accents and non-english speaking persons sorta bug. This coming from someone who grew up in the bay area AND currently lives in NYC...two of the most diverse areas in the country.

Father-darling has a whole itinerary of things he wants to show me…one being the Great Wall of China. As I have said many a time…my daddy swears he’s Asian. He’s been to China more times than I can count…and only to Africa twice. He practices Tai-Chi and has learned to write in Chinese calligraphy and volunteers at the Museum of Chinese Art (or something like that in SF’s Chinatown)…he’s dated 3 Asian women that I know of…but he’s always stayed true to my grandmothers dictate “don’t marry anyone but a black woman.”
I am super excited on the mellow tip. I just wish my situation was a little more defined before I left the country.

My Dizzy Gillespie poster is on Two and a Half Men… if you see their living room…it’s hanging on the wall where the stairs are. Just sayin’.

Also, today…a friend of mine who I don’t speak to from the bay area, texts me to let me know that a guy I used to date was shot and killed in Berkeley. I was wondering where she got my number from. Was gonna ask her but didn’t bother responding.

Mace always had me smiling. We knew each other for years but only dated for a few months. He used to tease me about being older than him even though he looked older than me.
I remember one night there were 8 of us hanging out… we had gone from spot to spot in Berkeley and Oakland and finally around 4 in the morning we were the ones to drive all those muthafuckas home…
I was bugging or something and I missed getting in the turning lane and he let me slide in front of him but as my luck would have it…police were waiting for drunks from the club…they pulled me over and I remember thinking “these bitches about to take me to jail for DUI, how the hell do I explain that to my daddy!” Mace had actually made it on the freeway and ended up getting off the next exit and coming back. He parked his car in front of mine and just got out and waited on the sidewalk. The police kept asking him to get back in his car but his little defiant ass said he had a right to be on the city sidewalks that he paid taxes for which if you know anything about OPD…is gangsta…
(’cause OPD will fuck a muthafucka up just for jay-walking …remember Tupac and OPD).
I didn’t get anything but a ticket that night which is surprising… I was the only one drunk but everyone else was ex'd up on E. I guess I looked less fucked up than everyone else. Mace followed me until I dropped off everyone and then he finally dropped off his car load of ppl. Yea, he was a good guy…always talking about his boys. I pray his family much peace.

From that night, I ended up acquiring a policeman who stalked me for a year. The very same bastid that gave me the ticket tried to get in my pants. I think that man must have pulled me over at least 7 more times…and fuck me if it wasn’t always when I was coming home from the club drunk. I ended up having to get in touch with ANOTHER OPD guy I was dating...to let him know that I needed other police dude to stop doing drive-bys at my home. Policmen scare me...I've "dated" enough t know that they aren't to be fucked with...buncha overly aggressive-hyped-up-on-tryna-shoot-someone-adrenaline.


Disturbing Thing #2:
I like playing with spaghetti...after you cook it and it's straining...it's all limp...and long and cold...and fun to just play with.
That sounded way weird...almost sexual in a gross kind of way. I have been making and eating spaghetti like crazy lately...I'mma be big as a house soon.




That's enough...I will write ya soon.

...and I am ...
OUT!

I've been out of town...just gone.
What I planned was a day and a half get-away for an interview...ended up being...so far...a 6 day excursion that in the end...all the reasons I came...were for not.
I'm still unemployed and still looking for housing in Maryland...and still have my Casa De Madness up in Harlem.

Normally on the 4th day gone from my home...I start feeling a little restless...wanting to lay my head in my bed...enjoy my space. This time around...I wish that I could just stay here. And do nothing. Maybe it's the solitude...although...it was a hellish couple of days at the beginning.
But I needed this.
Family hasn't changed... and my loveless condition hasn't changed... but despite what Zed thinks...

I've committed myself to finding that guy...well... I am not looking for him but...all bullshit aside...miscellaneous isn't walking up in my spot anymore.
I've let shit go on for far to long and now... let's just say...
as IndiaIrie put it...
I'm ready for love.

I'm done playing this game.
Realized to late...we aren't even on the same team...which means...it's been you against me rather than us against the world!

Granted, I need a lot of work in the area of love but I can honestly say I'm looking forward to a ball & chain to fit around these here ankles.

On another note...I have found out some very disturbing things about myself...I am going to name one, a post...for there are way too many to go into now...

Disturbing Thing #1:

I watch way too much porn.
When this began, I don't know.
The other night as I was in my hotel room by myself...searching all the porn hubs on the internet...
I was like...
What the Fuck!
When did I become some greasy guy in a wife beater with my buddha belly hanging while guzzling down brews sitting in the dark with nothing but the glow from the computer screen while jackin' off to porn???

Was not a good look at all.
I turned off my computer that nite and I haven't looked at porn in 120 hours...
Just sayin'!

Sex, is that all you think about when you look at me muthafucka?!

He looked at me and mumbled some sort of apology…and let me know that he thinks I am a swell gal.
Ass!

I am thinking that he obviously doesn’t know that the mere fact that I am a woman opens my ass up to disrespectful conversation that men seem to think is totally ok. I get your kind all the time through one-on-one contact or internet… you are all the same. How about you say something that is going make me say WOW…do something that is going to open my heart a little more…but telling me you want to bet me you can eat a spoonful of wasabi in exchange for fucking is not along the lines of getting you anything but some eyes rolling and coming back to eye slap you in the face with a “fuck you”.

But he’s funding and the way it looks … he’s willing to come up off a chunk of cheddar. I just have to guide him to being less of an ass and more of an ass-undercover. Doesn’t he know he isn’t suppose to show me that sex crazed shit right off the bat…hide that shit ‘til I am already in…didn’t anyone teach you that part of the game…dummy!?!
If this man didn’t feel bad that I lost my job and if he wasn’t looking for my piece of ass and if I didn’t need some bills paid…I’d seriously think about slapping this man up side his big ass head…but knowing him…he’d be into that type of shit… *I got nothing*