Writing My Wrongs

I haven't posted anything because...no lie...my memory is literally disappearing before my...synapes...eyes?

I am going to try and tell you about one of my outtings without Dude...by moi self...

I went out to Jaspers in Largo...or Landover...or where-the-hell-ever I was. It was a very hot and muggy day. You see, it's been raining here...real pretty and sun shiny then all the sudden we get a black cloud and it just pours...adding to the humidity already in the air...
Days like this, I feel sticky...and not the good sticky way...but in the UGH! I just want to take shower-after-shower way.

I walked in with intention. Wearing my bright ass yellow v-neck tee and some jeans that I am sure showed all of my muffin. I don't care because I feel pretty today. Why I am not sure.
I looked like California just walked in the door. Definitely tell I ain't from these here parts...but then again, I am told that all the time and I have yet to really grasp it. Although, I looked like sunshine this day...with my highlighted hair streaked with blonde and my yellow shirt and my danity necklace with the cursive "love"...
I felt like all eyes were on me. Why? Not sure.
It's not like I was sexy...there were other big ol' tittie broads up in here, other lite-skinned chicks, other women with long hair...nothing different about me...except they...
...well they didn't have my theme music on repeat in their head...

I went up there to sit and wait for Dude to meet me...at some point...when he decides he wanted to be seen.

I saddle up on a bar-stool and of course...it's 4:45 and not much is there but men...some young, some old...some in suits and others in baggy jeans and t-shirts...I didn't see anyone that caught my eye, although, it wasn't my intent to...be having my eye caught.
I sat at the back of the bar...you can see me when you walk in but I am far enough away that if you come over my way, it's obvious what your coming for...
My look was...don't come lookin'.

I have a group of 5 men to my left and two dudes to my right...I ordered my tall glass of Yunegling and then a chicken ceasar hold the egg. I watched CNN report about the potency of the "new" weed. I waited on the Celtics/Orlando game to start, waited on that text from Dude and waited on my salad to show up...all this waiting and one tall glass of cold beer.
I look good at this.
...but I also look desperate...
...then again, desperate comes off as available and available comes off as a possibility...and at the end of the day...thats all a man wants to know is that his game is still intact and hopes that he can still catch a fly ass MILF like myself... that it's still...possible...
So, back to...I look good at this.

This guy...well I am going to call him Lightweight...well he was real sweet in the mouth and sort of had a lisp to make it worse, talked aboout living up north...way up north. I observed that he dated Becky's...had nothing but glowing recommendations and reviews abotu the in's and out's of being with a Becky.
Now you see, Becky ain't never done me no worng. Becky pays, Becky has the car and Becky usually has all the liquor...all the Becky's in my life have been good to me too. Just like Lightweight.
BUT in his enthusiasm he forgets that...I ain't Becky. So talking to me about what black women aren't and all the things that white women are...well, I slowly turned my back to him and proceeded to...wait.
I had no more conversation for Lightweight.

Next up to bat is an older fairly decent looking guy who happens to be...drunk. I have sat and watched him and his friends drink shot after shot. I mean back to back...and it doesn't help his breath, that they had all ordered a pound of smoked shrimp...liquor, cigarettes and shrimp... I literally had to keep turning my head the other direction just to get some fresh air. He and his crew made me laugh. Belly laughs between sips of beer and quick peeks of the game.

And last...the Indris Elba look-alike with his dark suit and blue dress shirt, he'd taken off his tie and rolled it up to put in his suit pocket, as he turned while reaching for his pocket...his eye caught mine. He didn't sit at the bar, he stood and talked to a few other men while holding a Blue Moon...I don't like for a man to drink a beer with a garnish. It's like a man with a apple martini in his hand...thats "gay". Ask the bartendar to put that in a fucking chaser glass YO. So, he already had a "strike" against him...I didn't even want to give him anymore eye contact...
He sauntered over and proceeded with the same words I have heard a million times...I gave him what little attention I could in between sips of beer and eyeballing the game...a cursory side smile or a half hearted smirk to let him know the attention was appreciated but not warranted and not reciprocated.

I got that text from Dude...and over some stupid shit, we argue...through words...on the keyboards of a cellphone... he'd rather communicate like that...than pick up the phone and call me. Ni99as! His phone etiquette is going to be the death of us.

So, it's decided I am headed home and he's headed...somewhere else. I've sat up at this bar for 2 and a half hours...if I didn't need the breather from my own place I'dda been mad I sat up here and drank two tall beers and smelled these mofo's bad breath.
But I feel pretty...or good...or feeling like these men do...seeing possibility.
As I am making my way out...paying bill, collecting my purse, making sure my shit is in place, so when I walk out...I can feel that look burning on the sway of my no-ass having walk...
...but before that...the Indris look-alike had previous asked if he could sit next to me...I mention my wait on Dude, tell him he can't sit. So as I am leaving...Dude-less...he springs on the oppurtunity to ask me for my number...

Him say: Sweetheart, we've been having good conversation...can I get your number so we can continue this another time?

Me say: No

He say: Ok, well...can I give you mine.

Me say: No

He looked at me with that sideways glance...all perplexed and shit

He say: Seriously?!!

I told him to have a good night and walked out...into a down pour...
Literally....and figuratively.

I will say this about possibilities...and liking those possibilities...
If I hear the music, I'm gonna dance.
You'll get that later.

Wisdom: Character is revealed in moments.

Email me....if you want my new addy. If you want the new me. No questions asked please, just let me know, you want it.

I am tired of exposing myself...

I remember when I first asked you all
What do you think of me letting my "other" read me...

One comment stood out...
Don wrote...

"Don't. Personally, I think men find ways to use a woman's inner feelings against them. One day, he will. But don't take my advice."

Again, email, voicemail, text, where I go and where I be....I am tired of HavinG to expose myself and still not "getting" him.
I thought we were on level ground...but I realized, he has a lot more of me than I have of him...and he checks on me a lot more than he says...
I know there is love...but it's not healthy for either of us. Either of us. Left to me, I'd stay unhealthy. I am my own worse enemy, hurting myself to please...someone else.

Do Not think I am a victim, I have done my share to make shit bad, then, shit worse...despite where it comes from or why...I hurt... as much as, I hurt.

AJ I need you....not to tell me what to do...but just to give me some abstract/vague guidance...means a lot to me. Even when I don't tell you the story, you know it.




*A good life doesn't mean an easy life*

*Words of wisdon:
Do not fight a battle if there is nothing to win.

"It takes less time to do something right than to explain why you did it wrong."