Friday, February 27, 2009
Nothing but Nipples and 1-Stop Shopping
I was offended. Almost hurt. I mean I thought that’s what a man would want… Well, truth be told it’s not like I fashioned myself after that thought…it is what it is. I am who I am.He say, Maybe you should go see a therapist about that.
*I just looked at him like what in the world are you talking about old man!*
I say, Maybe you need to start taking more vitamin E and maybe some B12… that would help the sperm count and the energy level.
*It was his turn to look at me crazy.*
He say, You do realize how much we have sex…and how much you want to have more, don’t you?
I shrugged my shoulders and kind of just blew it off… after all, ummm, I ain’t never had a man complain about my sex. And truth be told, I know that’s what got him with his nose in my ass. But his “complaining” and lack of enthusiasm has me concerned.
Could he be tired of this particular sunshine…of my sweet googly goo…
Pshaw I say… that’s not possible.
Or is it...?
My breasts have been hurting for 3 months now. When I touch them (not like kneading…but if I just put a finger on one) it hurts like hell. My bra hurts them and my nipples are tingling like when I was breast feeding…despite what men may read and what visions may be running thru their heads right now…it’s irritating and painful. The only thing that makes them feel good is to have the sucked on. Which has me walking up to Dude and plopping a tittie in his mouth whenever we are in a private setting.
I can see why he complains so much...him being a Lakers fan, guess it can be bothersome when watching a game and I am constantly in his face with all my luscious softness and him having to suck on my nipples. But they huuuurrrrttt!!!! He should want to relieve some of my discomfort!
Mood swings, change in sex drive, change in body temperature...aren't these signs of menopause? My ob-gyn doesn't think it's menopause but...she's a quack!
She prescribed Evening Primrose Oil for my breast tenderness. When I went into the health food store I was really looking for oil...you know, to rub on my jiggly jubblies. Ha, come to find out that they are these big horse pills...apparently the oil is inside the gell encasing. I don't know what the pills are that are for prescribed hormonal changes... but I'd rather stick to my evening primrose oil for my self diagnosis of menopause hormal imbalances for now. My headlights aren't as sore as they have been since I have been taking them. The oil also helps with alcoholism...helps with the withdrawl process...hmmm, y'all know I am an alcoholic right...no, fa real! This stuff helps all the way around it would seem, since it helps with attention deficit disorder as well.
While I was there I also picked up some E vitamins and some B12 for Dude...might as well knock out everything with one-stop shopping.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Requiem: Control
I love you more than I could ever love anyone.
Believe me, this is much more than a woman’s love for a man.
It’s almost more than a miracle.
It’s what God meant for woman to feel for her man; to experience.
Believe me, this is much more than a woman’s love for a man.
It’s almost more than a miracle.
It’s what God meant for woman to feel for her man; to experience.
I have the desire that exceeds anything that I could ever have for anyone in this life or the next.
I feel as if I can’t breath without you in me…around me and I feel as if I couldn’t even survive…to live, unless you were
I feel as if I can’t breath without you in me…around me and I feel as if I couldn’t even survive…to live, unless you were
apart of me
Which is what you have become.
I need you….to live.
I think of you and all that the stars and gods desire for us when they made emotion…the feeling, love and passion…love and sensuality…love and hot sexy….love and trust….loyalty and sanctity
Which is what you have become.
I need you….to live.
I think of you and all that the stars and gods desire for us when they made emotion…the feeling, love and passion…love and sensuality…love and hot sexy….love and trust….loyalty and sanctity
I think of you
I long for you
I close my eyes and look for you
I send praises for the miracle of love
-A.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
On God and Being a Slut
"Is it possible that you lack the focus that drives you to the path God has created for you to uniquely walk? If you're going to create the life of your dreams, if you're going to discover the life God created you to live, you have to learn how to say no to all the other options.
And the tough choices aren't between good and evil, but between all the equally good options out there that are simply not the right paths for you.
You have to allow even beautiful dreams to die when they are not supposed to be yours.To make even one dream come to reality, many other dreams have to be sacrificed on the altar of your imagination."
~~~
So what if I am addicted to Velvet Moon. I feel like I am back in high school paying for Wild Irish Rose….because Velvet Moon Cabernet Sauvignon is only $5.99!!! I loves it and it doesn’t give me a headache. It is truly...velvety! I heart Trader Joes.
At 11 this afternoon, I dressed up like some moulin rouge dancehall hussy because I am trying to get my sex on for some afternoon delight…but…yea…well…3 hours later and only 10 minutes to waste…I changed back into my jeans and t-shirt…quick. But I did my make up like crazy, looking like a sexy goth-slut with deep red lipstick…so as I am about to leave for the grocery store…debating on whether I should take the make-up off or just…fuck it…
After all he has a black eye and I have excessive make-up…we look like Bonny and Clyde ghetto style. I may just keep this shit on to make shit look gritty and grimey.
Ok…well that’s not me…so I’mma take this shit off now. But I am wondering…why ISN’T this me??? Because this me…looks like a bad bad bad bitch!
So I let Dude become my friend on FBook. Now all sorts of random comments are being made. Not that I was looking for some action on FB but if I was, he sure is shutting my shit down. Do other “sig nif’s” cock-block like that? No? I know *huge sigh* I am trying to think why he finds the need to make it clear that he’s in my life… All y’all know. Still…smells like something else to me…
Insecurity maybe...
Now I am not the type…but I am tempted to go over to his page and leave some inappropriate shit… I mean, I know how to exert some alpha-female shit too…well not really but…I could try. Just sayin’…
And the tough choices aren't between good and evil, but between all the equally good options out there that are simply not the right paths for you.
You have to allow even beautiful dreams to die when they are not supposed to be yours.To make even one dream come to reality, many other dreams have to be sacrificed on the altar of your imagination."
~~~
So what if I am addicted to Velvet Moon. I feel like I am back in high school paying for Wild Irish Rose….because Velvet Moon Cabernet Sauvignon is only $5.99!!! I loves it and it doesn’t give me a headache. It is truly...velvety! I heart Trader Joes.
At 11 this afternoon, I dressed up like some moulin rouge dancehall hussy because I am trying to get my sex on for some afternoon delight…but…yea…well…3 hours later and only 10 minutes to waste…I changed back into my jeans and t-shirt…quick. But I did my make up like crazy, looking like a sexy goth-slut with deep red lipstick…so as I am about to leave for the grocery store…debating on whether I should take the make-up off or just…fuck it…
After all he has a black eye and I have excessive make-up…we look like Bonny and Clyde ghetto style. I may just keep this shit on to make shit look gritty and grimey.
Ok…well that’s not me…so I’mma take this shit off now. But I am wondering…why ISN’T this me??? Because this me…looks like a bad bad bad bitch!
So I let Dude become my friend on FBook. Now all sorts of random comments are being made. Not that I was looking for some action on FB but if I was, he sure is shutting my shit down. Do other “sig nif’s” cock-block like that? No? I know *huge sigh* I am trying to think why he finds the need to make it clear that he’s in my life… All y’all know. Still…smells like something else to me…
Insecurity maybe...
Now I am not the type…but I am tempted to go over to his page and leave some inappropriate shit… I mean, I know how to exert some alpha-female shit too…well not really but…I could try. Just sayin’…
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
New Me...??!!
How far do you go to get what or who you want?
What do you put yourself through in order to keep what you want?
As many of you have read before, I am not a big believer in love, soul-mates or in monogamy. For some reason it just never seemed realistic to believe that one person was made for just one other person in this world. Or that anything last forever.
So my mind conjured up this thought process, which in turn, became my belief system that it was ok to have multiple people in your life. Nothing last forever and during your life time you will be attracted to many people…people that you can honestly say that you have loved in one way or another. At the same time, everything has a beginning and an ending. Thus, be happy playing the field and don’t feel bad when a relationship ends because it wasn’t meant to last anyway.
My self-defense mechanisms slowly start to come to life as it chugs along building momentum when I am in a relationship where I start to want just him. When thoughts of other men are long gone and my focus is on the one that is in front of me. That’s when you all will generally read stories of me falling into this euphoric state of almost love ...and then just as suddenly I am writing words of faults and wrongs done to me…sabotaging things as quickly as I enter into them…nothing ever lasting longer than 3 months.
I dazzled them into loving me. I did all the things that we do to get someone to want us. Made them feel a 100%, knowing that it wouldn’t last.
I would make sure it didn’t last.
What do you put yourself through in order to keep what you want?
~~~
I've written this story before...wouldn't be surprised if exact words were used. However, I have had my gajillionth epiphany, this time with a tad bit more insight.
I've written this story before...wouldn't be surprised if exact words were used. However, I have had my gajillionth epiphany, this time with a tad bit more insight.
As many of you have read before, I am not a big believer in love, soul-mates or in monogamy. For some reason it just never seemed realistic to believe that one person was made for just one other person in this world. Or that anything last forever.
So my mind conjured up this thought process, which in turn, became my belief system that it was ok to have multiple people in your life. Nothing last forever and during your life time you will be attracted to many people…people that you can honestly say that you have loved in one way or another. At the same time, everything has a beginning and an ending. Thus, be happy playing the field and don’t feel bad when a relationship ends because it wasn’t meant to last anyway.
My self-defense mechanisms slowly start to come to life as it chugs along building momentum when I am in a relationship where I start to want just him. When thoughts of other men are long gone and my focus is on the one that is in front of me. That’s when you all will generally read stories of me falling into this euphoric state of almost love ...and then just as suddenly I am writing words of faults and wrongs done to me…sabotaging things as quickly as I enter into them…nothing ever lasting longer than 3 months.
I dazzled them into loving me. I did all the things that we do to get someone to want us. Made them feel a 100%, knowing that it wouldn’t last.
I would make sure it didn’t last.
I was scared. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared to imagine that someone wouldn't recognize the fragile-ness of my heart and cherish my love. Scared that I would be overlooked as just another chick. Which is hypocritical because I have walked away from every relationship I have been in...and without a second thought and with very little emotion. Yet, here I was believing that me walking away was in no way the same as someone walking away from me. Me walking away was equivolent to "it's all for the good" and severing ties before things got way to complicated.
Then again, I didn't care like I do now.
I am starting to realize that you can’t decide who you are going to fall for. I have foolishly said that it was possible…for years. However, I see that it’s not that easy. Love in general is not easy. All these years, I had thought it would be easy for me to walk away from anyone. I am realizing you can’t just decide today that you are done and be able to leave the same day. As a matter of fact, it was easier to leave my husband of 9 years then it has been in trying to extricate myself from my current situation. Which makes me wonder, maybe I am not the one that is supposed to walk away this time. Just maybe…no one is supposed to walk away this time. Maybe.
All I know, is that I am doing some things I have never done before and I have become this other person… sometimes I like the new me…and then there are times, such as Sunday night…that the new me scares me to death.
I know that I am going to beat myself up for my actions because there is no just saying… I am sorry. Although, oddly and miraculously...sadly, he loves me.
I am starting to realize that you can’t decide who you are going to fall for. I have foolishly said that it was possible…for years. However, I see that it’s not that easy. Love in general is not easy. All these years, I had thought it would be easy for me to walk away from anyone. I am realizing you can’t just decide today that you are done and be able to leave the same day. As a matter of fact, it was easier to leave my husband of 9 years then it has been in trying to extricate myself from my current situation. Which makes me wonder, maybe I am not the one that is supposed to walk away this time. Just maybe…no one is supposed to walk away this time. Maybe.
All I know, is that I am doing some things I have never done before and I have become this other person… sometimes I like the new me…and then there are times, such as Sunday night…that the new me scares me to death.
I know that I am going to beat myself up for my actions because there is no just saying… I am sorry. Although, oddly and miraculously...sadly, he loves me.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Bitch, Stripper Poles and Reed's with Ramen
I have the tendency to call someone a bitch, with the quickness. Usually it’s not warranted but then again…name calling rarely is (said rarely, not never). So I yell my Bitch! in the quiet of my mind…just in case it is one of those moments where I…am in the wrong. Although, I am finding that that is rare also…in my mind.
For instance, while out this weekend... Everyone was ordering drinks and I simply asked for a water/no ice/with a lemon. The table looked at me and one lone wolf decided to broach the subject with, “B, you aren’t ordering a drink?”
I say, “Yes Bitch, I am drinking water…what I ordered!”
What I say out loud, “Yea, just water for me.”
I knew I would have been worng for the simple fact that...I do drink...a lot...often...almost always. He asking me the question was not out of line...I can almost positively say, this would have been one of those rare occassions that I might have been in the wrong had I responded with the Bitch comment...might have.
I’ve been getting announcements in my inbox about upcoming Learn to Strip for Your Man seminars…sessions. I really thought about it…really. Then I'd have to go all out and buy me one of those portable stripper poles that go in your bedroom...or living room...or kitchen (?)
But my lazy ass can not wrap my head around …sexy, right now.
I mean, this is me now…
Far cry from me…back then…
Speaking of …back then. Remember when I was having 3 hour lunches and eating at all the boutique-y restaurants in the big city? Here is a view of my lunch today…
*Huge Sigh*
I must admit, I have no groceries and was on my way to go when I remembered that I am waiting for some keys to be delivered from UPS…delivered hopefully by a fine brotha in one of those brown little short sets that UPS hands out to their drivers (yes dammit! I know it is only 50 degrees outside)
I bought a box of 24 ice cream sandwiches. I have been eating at least two sometimes three a day. Is that normal? I mean, I know if I was 7 it would be…but…aaa, I’m not. Add another 30 onto that. I was talking to her and mentioned my squishy in the middle…it’s even more squishier than ever before… I know it can’t look sexy, just can’t! But I just can not bring myself to sign up at a gym. I want to, really…but…there is something holding me… and those ice cream sandwiches be calling my name…all sexy like…oozing smooth vanilla squished between cake-like chocolate softness…
Y’all just don’t understand!
*ok, why did my hungry ass just bite into the paper wrapped ice cream sandwich… I swear after this box is gone…I refuse to buy another 24 ct box…I will go back to the 6 ct box…no matter how good of a deal the 24 ct is!!!*
For instance, while out this weekend... Everyone was ordering drinks and I simply asked for a water/no ice/with a lemon. The table looked at me and one lone wolf decided to broach the subject with, “B, you aren’t ordering a drink?”
I say, “Yes Bitch, I am drinking water…what I ordered!”
What I say out loud, “Yea, just water for me.”
I knew I would have been worng for the simple fact that...I do drink...a lot...often...almost always. He asking me the question was not out of line...I can almost positively say, this would have been one of those rare occassions that I might have been in the wrong had I responded with the Bitch comment...might have.
I’ve been getting announcements in my inbox about upcoming Learn to Strip for Your Man seminars…sessions. I really thought about it…really. Then I'd have to go all out and buy me one of those portable stripper poles that go in your bedroom...or living room...or kitchen (?)
But my lazy ass can not wrap my head around …sexy, right now.
I mean, this is me now…
Far cry from me…back then… 
Speaking of …back then. Remember when I was having 3 hour lunches and eating at all the boutique-y restaurants in the big city? Here is a view of my lunch today…*Huge Sigh*
I must admit, I have no groceries and was on my way to go when I remembered that I am waiting for some keys to be delivered from UPS…delivered hopefully by a fine brotha in one of those brown little short sets that UPS hands out to their drivers (yes dammit! I know it is only 50 degrees outside)I bought a box of 24 ice cream sandwiches. I have been eating at least two sometimes three a day. Is that normal? I mean, I know if I was 7 it would be…but…aaa, I’m not. Add another 30 onto that. I was talking to her and mentioned my squishy in the middle…it’s even more squishier than ever before… I know it can’t look sexy, just can’t! But I just can not bring myself to sign up at a gym. I want to, really…but…there is something holding me… and those ice cream sandwiches be calling my name…all sexy like…oozing smooth vanilla squished between cake-like chocolate softness…
Y’all just don’t understand!
*ok, why did my hungry ass just bite into the paper wrapped ice cream sandwich… I swear after this box is gone…I refuse to buy another 24 ct box…I will go back to the 6 ct box…no matter how good of a deal the 24 ct is!!!*
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Drinking Grapes and Eating Beans
I went to bed late as it was… but then after a dream…That was neither nightmarish or dreamy-like in nature…
Just was…a dream.
So…at around 3AM I woke up to a fast heart beat and a temperature that had risen from the elevated adrenaline during my sleep state.
I knew what the dream was about and at 3Am, I wasn’t trying to have those thoughts as I drifted back to sleep…so in order for me to get past this and not have it on my mind for the rest of the night…
I got up and took a sleeping pill. Normally within 30 minutes I am startng to nod off like a heroin addict...eyes at a slit and barely able to stand up ...but yet...do.
What possessed me to follow it with a glass of red wine is beyond me.
So I went Marilyn Monroe last night and was knocked out after I finished my glass of Velvet Moon (which is cheap as hell but yet full-bodied and smooth...all thanks to Traders at $5.99 a bottle.)
Friday night Dude and I went to Old Town Alexandria to a karaoke spot. On the way there I saw a church that I thought I might look into since I have yet to find a church home since I have moved to these here parts…
Come this morning, church started at 11… well, due to my non-attempt at a sleeping overdose…I woke up at 10:45… rolled over and answered the text that woke me up…then went back to sleep.
I think tonite…I may try the same concoction…just because I had a helluva good ass sleep last night. Just sayin…
Another night time faux pas...
Thursday evening I was laying on the couch and got the taste for something sweet to eat, I reached behind me and from my end table picked up my small bag of chocolate covered something-or-other... munched on them and munched on them and munched on them...not paying attention to the hour...but should have.
They were milk chocolate covered coffee beans...they wer so so yummy...but it was 11:30PM...so...safe to say, I understood why my silly ass was up until 3:30AM.
What have I been up to? Man oh MAN… nothing and something all at the same time. Nothing exciting …well…at least I don’t think so. I feel like my life is so glamour-less since I have left NYC. *Huge Sigh* Yes, I know…it’s all in the ‘tude…but lately…I ain’t even got an attitude to throw around.
With that said, I am fairly a happy little camper.
I am still going out and still having sex. Might have lost a few pounds…and then found them again. Spoken word, wine tasting, museums and live music…meeting new people and dining at embassies, my experience here is filled…but with nothing all that exciting.
Maybe I just need some warm weather and sundresses with matching strappy sandals to make me feel like…it’s exciting again.
We shall see…
What have I been up to? Man oh MAN… nothing and something all at the same time. Nothing exciting …well…at least I don’t think so. I feel like my life is so glamour-less since I have left NYC. *Huge Sigh* Yes, I know…it’s all in the ‘tude…but lately…I ain’t even got an attitude to throw around.
With that said, I am fairly a happy little camper.
I am still going out and still having sex. Might have lost a few pounds…and then found them again. Spoken word, wine tasting, museums and live music…meeting new people and dining at embassies, my experience here is filled…but with nothing all that exciting.
Maybe I just need some warm weather and sundresses with matching strappy sandals to make me feel like…it’s exciting again.
We shall see…
