Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Get Up
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall."
Monday, April 27, 2009
If you can...
"Stop making people a priority in your life who make you a option in theirs."
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Whatever You Say
I think that I have been in a totally different mindset since we had a talk…since I found out that he has “just friends”…and he is actually on a dating site…looking for…dates. He tried to hold onto what was left of a lie…tried to give me a plausible excuse as to why he was on the dating site… “he was looking to see if I was”.
Even I was disappointed with the ignorance of that excuse.
But then again, I am finding that I am disappointed 8 out of 10 times with this particular man. You’d think that he couldn’t disappoint me anymore than he already has.
I think…he comes up with ways to disappoint me…disappoint the love I thought I had for this person.
I am starting to wonder why I love him.
It’s getting harder and harder to come up with reasons that aren’t over shadowed by the reasons he gives me not to be.
I’ve sat back and thought about…
…why doesn’t he want my love anymore.
Not that I see all these things wrong with me…I am damn near perfect. Take away him making me insecure, jealous, and untrusting…which lead to my low self-esteem and depression…
Even I was disappointed with the ignorance of that excuse.
But then again, I am finding that I am disappointed 8 out of 10 times with this particular man. You’d think that he couldn’t disappoint me anymore than he already has.
I think…he comes up with ways to disappoint me…disappoint the love I thought I had for this person.
I am starting to wonder why I love him.
It’s getting harder and harder to come up with reasons that aren’t over shadowed by the reasons he gives me not to be.
I’ve sat back and thought about…
…why doesn’t he want my love anymore.
Not that I see all these things wrong with me…I am damn near perfect. Take away him making me insecure, jealous, and untrusting…which lead to my low self-esteem and depression…
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Fading
My heart beats entirely too fast and I start to…fade. Not a total black out but…it’s closer then when I used to have anxiety attacks. But this isn’t that.This is something entirely different.
I think that I am more insane than I first thought.
You laugh at that…but, truth be known…I’ve always thought that I may be a tad bit off…not quiiiite…right. Not in a short school bus type of way but in a homicidal maniac kind of way.
I feel like…
Well, I sat there and listened. Took in all that was said. Asked some questions when I felt like my intelligence was being challenge or questioned.
I sat there...but in a detached way that made me feel like I was a force within the room but...not really there. Just a shell of a body going thru the motions as I hovered on the periphreal.
Moving...or floating...or just existing in the room...
And still, I remained in that moment…suspended in an ever revolving prism of…blah blah blah.
I felt my conscious mind start to fade.
And…I wanted to inflict harm.
And I realized I was making a conscious effort not to find a bat and smash it into the mouth of the person that was lying to me.
But, those thoughts…
…were before I started to fade.
And like a drowning person at the last minute fighting for life…for air… finds themselves taking in more and more water at the same time
...sort of sealing their fate in their hysteria…
I fought back the darkness that was trying to engulf me.
So…a small thread held me suspended between sane and insane.
…a very infinitesimal strand of thread…
And here I was, thinking all this time, that I didn't totally lack reason, that I was relatively competent... far above inflicting pain and not only pain but…vicious and lasting pain. Hospital type of pain. The type of pain that could even possibly…lead to a grave.
And it was there, in that space, that I realized…I was ok with the consequences of hurting someone.
People like that scare me… I have become that which scares me…
I am more insane than I thought.
Or…as a thought…am I slowly being driven to insanity?? Because surely…the truly insane think they are sane.
Would I be questioning it, if it were so?
Dude and I are headed to Philly tomorrow.
A “get away” if you will…
And yet… I believe it is a “get away” from each other that we need.
I hope this overnighter does not turn into us…entertaining my newfound insanity.
I am living a life that is not my own and I am actually sitting back and letting myself become the puppet. I see it but oddly, I. can. not. stop. it.
