Writing My Wrongs

if it will make me feel better...I have nothing else to lose...



This is how I know I have grown up or either gotten old as hell...

I had been out since around 7pm and it was 12:30am when I looked at my watch and told my girl that I was heading home.
"Nooo, you’re my wing girl. You are the perfect wing-girl. Please come with me to One."

She added that I looked pretty, her little side dude told me I looked good and that there were to be plenty of men there....but see, that's not a selling point for me.
Either I am going...or I am not going...and at all times, it's up to me.
I am not generally swayed by what it is you want to do…selfish but…selfish I am.

I stood there watching them for a hot second as they acted like little lovesick teenagers with big ass smiles on their faces and all giggly and shit…bouncing around like excited puppies… I knew I had made the right choice.
So I jumped in the cab and I yelled out the window, loud enough for all gods creatures to hear...

He's not allowed upstairs, make sure of that!
He said, oh man....
She said, but what if we aren't ready to end the night?
I said, then you better do all your fucking in the car if that's what you got to do but he's not allowed upstairs.
The both laughed at me as well as half the sidewalk behind them…
…I waved farewell with my body leaning half out of the window like some old black and white movie…all extra…all dramatic and shit…and made my way uptown.

I sat in the back seat and realized that NYC was HOTT on a Tuesday night. But it's always busy down on 9th between eleventeen and twentyteen...restaurants and lounges everywhere. Doesn't hurt that The Roots were having a free concert RIGHT across the street from us [Maritime Hotel] and the line was no less than TWO blocks long...

I leaned in close and propped my boo-bies over the seat and started to talk to the cabbie...I’m not tipsy and I am not flirting but I am feeling pretty on this wonderful night in the heart of the city…and since I had no one to talk to...I was gonna gab away with the cabbie as he maneuvered the intricacies of yellow cab etiquette …which means he was driving dangerously like a bat out of hell. But I am used to the jerky movements of fast, and stop…
I swear they don’t know what the hell “slow down” or “cruise” means…but I guess time is money for them so…he and every other cabbie was out trying to make their money. I held on to the back of his seat for dear life as I tried to maintain my composure and generate lite conversation…
He tells me that he has had a busy night, so much in fact, that he was heading home early since he’d made his desired amount of money already. Which got me curious about how much is a desired amount for an evening out?? Of course I can’t ask him that…it’d be tacky…but then again…how would I ever know how much a cabbie brings in???
He talked to me about Queens, where he lives…alone… and as usual I told him the only time I'd ever been to Queens was on the 7 train to the Mets stadium and on the highway to and from JFK.
He proceeds to tell me he'd be more than willing to give me a tour one day and then take me to a late lunch or early dinner...
At this point I really feel like a live episode of TaxiCabConfessions and I start in on a lie about me dating someone right now and how I can't do too much without him being all jealous and CRAZY like... of course all lies but here too is where I have grown up or old...
I didn't want to just hurt the mans feelings and blast him out of the water with a “hell naw” comment…LOL After all...he could easily drive slower or take me the long way home and I end up having to pay the extra fare...lol So I put the blame of me not being able to hang out with him off on some imaginary boyfriend.
What do I care if I’m rude? Well, black women are notorious for being snobby with service workers so…I couldn’t perpetuate that stereotype, especially since I had sat my boo-bies all up in his face and small talked…c’mon now, I know what the fuck I was doing… Good thing I didn’t run into a crazy, right???
Ok, maybe I haven’t grown up…or maybe I was tipsy and forgot I was…lol

The driver “understood” and no longer tried to flirt with me but kept the conversation going. He even waited for me to get in my lobby door before driving off which is unheard of from a cabbie…in Harlem. Good thing I have a double door at apt lobby otherwise I might have a taxi cab stalker...lol

I got home at 12:50....that right there lets you know...I am either grown up or old.

The evening started out with me being invited to the mixer...I invited my girl because she needs to start meeting ppl that can help her along, instead of hanging with rappers dressed like LilWayne; muscley, wearing wife-beaters. Nice to look at but not really gonna help you get in the corporate door or on Obama’s green initiative. Yes, he's cute but he isn't someone she can take to a corporate event, hence she called him AFTER we'd left said mixer, to take her to one of the many juke joints [aka hang out spot] around the area.

She came to the mixer and from there we were headed to a Jets players bday party...and from there we were headed to jazz on the rooftop at Empire Hotel.
Well...we started at Maritime Hotel...and I ended at Maritime hotel.
I just didn't have anymore energy for arrogant ass "pitch" men that think being an asshole or being snarky quantifies as flirtatious report. It's crass and boring. Go. Away!
Plus One is known as the spot to be to meet celebs/athletes [as if that can’t be said about most NYC latest lounges/bar/restaurants] and as I have said many a time before my groupie days are long over...plus men my age don't hang out like that...oops, I meant...my calibre of men don't hang out like that unless they are "in the business" and I don't have the mentality to maintain a superficial conversation like that, well I do…but not tonite. Already my cheeks were hurting from my fake smile I had plastered on my face from meeting this and that person. Not that I didn't have a good time...but a...2 pitchers of sangria [again] and 2 glasses of merlot [which I hate...] and 1 glass of Cabernet...it was either plaster the fake smile or have the zoned out drunk look in my eyes.
[view the photos on FB]

Everyone had fun...and some...too much fun...lol


Sooo I am here...about to head to bed because it seems like I have been up since FOREVER. Meeting ppl that I will not remember and the one person who I was checking for...was not able to be gotten to because his boy was not letting me carry on a conversation with anyone but himself.
So I let perfection go and settled for being...the wing girl.
Which in the end suited me...

Sort of...turns out, I wasn’t suited that well for it...
Ol’ girl woke up fully dressed this morning and she calls me from her extra phone to ask me if I had her cell phone and her credit card...

Oh hell! The eff you go and do now???
Bloopty, I told you, you should have went with me...I need you to take care of me when I drink like that.
Well damn, don't drink like that.
But they keep putting drinks in my hand.
Darlin, ain't mean you got to drink them all!

So again...I am reflecting on when I became the one offering sage non-drinking tips. She does what I used to do...just last year...hell, maybe this year!!! I have truely met...my myself, if possible, which I know now is...she is me! Or rather I was her. A party girl that makes friendly with everyone. And all I can do is tell her to sloooow dooown, be careful.
I don't berate her or make fun of her [well not until she makes fun of herself]...just tell her to be careful and make sure she's with someone that cares before she gets too caught up. This chick has been all over the world and schmoozed with a lot of top ppl...so she knows...I give her the pass for last night...but...something tells me this is who she is...right now that is.
After all, this is just the 1st story about her, of 4 in the last week that I have told y'all about...lol
But we all have our demons and she is entitled to be wild…lawd knows I was…before, at some point, way way way back when…Ha!

I can't always be there like I was tonight...or rather…sorta was tonight…or rather, at the first place, the mixer…
She drank a lot and forgot she had one waiting at the table as she spoke to the other at the bar...so I had to go over and put myself smack dab in the middle of their conversation. I started asking him [a lawyer] if he knew of an entertainment lawyer for Slasher. Well he gave me a colleague’s info and before he knew it...she'd walked away and he was stuck with me. I flirted and danced and laughed too loud and smiled too wide just so this chick could finish her business at the table with the otha muthafucka. I timed it so...by the time I brought lawyer over to sit down, the other guy would be walking away.
I am a good ass wing-girl. Or either a good madam [read: pimp] in the making…
Buttarum, I'mma have to let her know that I am not going to be doing too much of that shit anymore.

I was speaking to KS today and I had an enlightening moment as I was walking to the bank...
Living was ok in NYC for me...it was only when I needed entertainment money that I started inquiring about a sponsor. It's expensive to have fun here. Imagine had I made all 3 events!! Not to mention I have set in stone plans for the next 5 days.

I just sat there and tried to not make eye contact with anyone. I probably looked real simple-minded to the average person walking down the street but I couldn’t help it.
Apparently my [un] covert way of avoiding people only really works in my mind because as I sat out on the stoop waiting…and waiting…a guy came up and asked me what I was mixed with.

Now just for politically correctness and over all couth…one should not walk up to another and ask them what they are mixed with. At least not at the age that I am now…and at the age that he was also…but I forget...I am sitting on a stoop...in Harlem.

This is going to sound odd…
But I hate looking different sometimes. I never really even thought about what I looked like until I moved to the east coast. But, I am constantly reminded that I am not the same. And to be even more complicated…of course I don’t want to be the same as everyone else but I don’t want to be approached because I am not. Or maybe I do. Whatever.

My Saturday was filled from top to bottom and I honestly hadn’t even thought that I’d be in the streets all day. I got up and took my time to get out because …well I am lazy as shit these past days. I knew that I had 3 things planned and wanted to make sure that I had at least an hour nap in between activities 2 and 3. Ummm, no.
I got out and dressed to show skin…it was sunny and I still I haven’t made it to my expected tan for the summer so I have been trying to be in the sun as much as possible so I could be as brown as possible…although my brown usually has a red undertone…wack. On one shoulder was my purse and the other my grass mat and folding chair…and before I made it down my 4 floors I was sweating like a ….[I refuse to compare myself to a pig.] And honestly, do pigs really sweat? So I walked up the block to the Harlem Book Fair and tried to get in the mood. Mood for what? Mood for ghetto lit being thrown my face. When I first started going to the book fair it was down on 125…since then it has moved up to 135th and it was at least 5 blocks long. Now it’s regulated to 2 blocks and the Schomberg. Disappointing. One block was for ghetto lit with a few [very few] tables for legit writers…and the next block was food and vendors. I walked in and walked out. I used to buy a good 7-10 books when I’d to go to the HBF…Saturday I walked out with not one single book. I’d much rather go into B&N and find a book worth substance than “support my black brethren and sistern”. Which in and of itself is sad. But I just can not support a shuffle and jive event like HBF. I can not say that I will even go back to HBF next year. Year after year I have gone and year after year it has gone down…down…down.

I left there and had to high-tail it to see QTip at summerstage. Can you be sun-logged? I have spent a good majority of 90 days in the sun and I am thinking I am having the raisin skin syndrome… and I am still struggling for a tan. Like a real tan…they say dsrker the berry, sweeter the juice so…me being the lighter side of ginger ale I figured I try and get a little sweeter. I can’t say that it’s working. I was hoping for a color that would carry me into the winter months…

From Central Park I headed back to the house to get changed and showered for the next phase of my Saturday. That didn't happen because...I was locked out of my apartment. So sticky, sweaty and summer dress me, had to go to function without nary a drop of water on me to make me feel all clean and shit. So...this is why I was sitting on my stoop while being assulted by random dudes asking me about my damn heritage. It was there, on my stoop, that I had to wait for the Fireman to come and pick me up…to head to BB Kings.
On his way over he called me and aske dif I would spend the night but…eh, I am cool with spending the night and having to wrestle or catch an attitude. I am not sure I am ready for whatever and whatever with this particular person isn’t really a stay or leave situation. I care about his heart and right now…I am in no position to play with it. Actually, I have never played with it. Matter of fact, I have always stepped away from it to safe guard it. I consider him my friend. Nothing less and nothing more. So I am not going to fuck around and take in his goodness just because I am on some other shit right now. This is the area that Slish wanders into when he is deciding [ordering] I should…sloooow dooown. Which isn't needed because I know when to step back and take a look around and realize that things aren't what they should be...

We went to the “concert”, ate and enjoyed the music, food and company and then I asked him to take me home. I could tell that that wasn’t his plan, that he wanted to try and convince me to lay in his bed but I looked at him as if to say...please don't make me have to be a complete ass…but he understood. Sort of.
He took me home and although it isn’t what I want it to be right now, it is still my little sanctuary.
I set my alarm because I knew that I had to be up and ready by a certain time to join him for brunch the next morning...




I spoke to my father the other day, I wanted to wish him well and remind him to send me his itinerary…he is off to Ecuador for two weeks…
As we talked, he told me that he had deleted all the graduation-week pictures that had Dude in them. At the time I said that I had to go through my pic album and start deleting too…but when I opened up my pics…I realized I was going to have to keep some…because most of the pics from that week in California…well he’s in the pictures with the boys in some way. And there is no way I am deleting pictures of my boys.
When he came by to get his stuff a few weeks back…I’d made a cd of pictures for him, of him. I didn’t label it on purpose and to think of it…he probably hasn’t even looked at the cd. I don’t know…my friends have said that I was too nice in even doing that but…fuck it, I have never been one that was into tit-for-tat…I knew I had pictures that he didn’t have and not just of him but his niece and his cousin so I put them on the cd as well. I am pretty sure I put other random pics on there because I was trying to hurry, so selecting all to copy was easier than doing one at a time.
Well…the other day I was going through my cell and I realized I had pictures of him from the inaugural ball, sitting on my couch naked from when he came to my house one morning wearing nothing but a trench coat [lol], him laying on the bed at the Ritz-Carlton in Philly and other random shots…well, I emailed those to myself and then deleted them from my phone… I don’t know why I haven’t deleted them completely. I am sure that part of it is because of certain memories of places…but the other part is because I still haven’t completely gotten over the fact that I got played in the end. I could delete the pictures but it wouldn’t delete the memory so…I’d like to think that some, if not most, of those pictures that show him and I smiling…I’d like to think that it was real at that moment even if it was a lie as a whole.
Blah!
I know there will come a time that I will trash them but I have actually got a huge 2 year library of photos of him and I…
I could, at the very least…move all those pics into one single file and just hide it somewhere…ah…I don’t know. Fuck!

I was in a texting showdown with Slish...
He told me I need to slow down. I had to reiterate that I am not on some racetrack. I am not doing anything but getting reaquainted...that didn't seem to eleviate his irritation. Blah! Either he thinks I am going to give the panties [and what's in them] to some random brotha-man and have someone panting after me like some love sick puppy...or he thinks I am going to jump into a relationship to offset the wack shit I just left. All in all, I am not as vulnerable as he seems to think I am.
If I was wanting someones Mr. Goodbar...I didn't have to come to NYC and do that. I could have kept my ass in the greater DC area.

Fireman got it loud and clear at brunch today that I don't think of him in regards to marriage or long-term. He understood. Honestly, he did. That has never stopped him from "Spaghetti". My non-action/non-reaction has never stopped him from telling me he loves me. In that regard, he is unlike most men in that he doesn't weigh his feelings against mine...he says what he feels with no expectation.

This past week was a little busy but I swear there were two nights that I did nothing but stay home. Tuesday I had my first visitor and then I headed out with Amus and closed down Dinosaur complete with one Donkey Punch too many. I went and had dinner by myself at Pomodoro on Columbus after coming from B&N. AJ told me to pick up WomenWhoRunWithTheWolves...and once I skimmed the chapters...there was one that stood out more than any other...
Chapter 5 Skeleton Woman: Facing the Life/Death/Life Nature of Love
I haven't gotten that far yet. Matter of fact I am only on page 12 I think...that hasn't even started a chapter yet...still in the foreward.

I was invited to a Chico DeBarge record release; Chico and Joe.
I invited the biggest Yankee fan I know to the Yankee game on Friday.

Got rained out around the 8th inning. Here is my Yankee memorable cup. I am not sure where that is right now, odd.

Saturday I went to the Harlem Book Fair and once again...was sadly disappointed how small and ghetto [lit] the fair was. I met up with 2 friends at Central Park to watch QTip at summerstage and then had two tickets I'd purchased, arond the same time as the yankee tickets, to go to BB Kings for a soul concert.
Today I went to brunch then headed to Central Park once again for a picnic with Berry and her friends. Ended up being there all day. I witnessed a bride and groom...or a quincenera.

This morning I had to change out my purse and left my cell phone on my bed. I was only expecting a call from one person but chances were...that person wouldn't/couldn't leave their place anyway. So I was cellphone-less today until I got home.

While at the game on Friday...I was sitting drinking my beer and snapping peanuts open and throwing the shells all over that new stadium...it felt like a magical night...for me. But as I sat there on a warm and humid night watching the game I thought of him for the first time without malice. He would have liked the new stadium, he would have enjoyed himself...and then I thought...of his very last words to me as he yelled at me in front of my home...and shake my head.
I am glad he wasn't there with me. Glad he is with his wife and whoever else he decides he needs to make him feel like a man. 'Cause there is no way in hell he could be satisfied with what he's chosen, he'd always need more.
But, for once in the past month...I was ok with thinking of him in a good way.

The night before AJ and I had made our way home after 2 music sets and 2…3…4 glasses of wine and a huge plate of nachos we shared. Listening to music…and the band hot, on fire! Not for sure but…doped up they may have been but it mattered not because they flew from rock, to old school hip hop, to r&b, to MJ… the music made my heart vibrate but the voice made me want to throw my panties but …I’m too old for that shit and even when I was a spring chicken…I wasn’t throwing my draws on no one’s stage…eva.

I got home and crashed…but made sure to set my alarm for 10 because I knew at 11am I had to be at Sarabeth’s for brunch.
Ummm, I woke up early but I got caught up straightening my things and searching for shit to wear since everything was still in boxes…I ended up being late…for my brunch double-date. I was meeting AJ and Slish for brunch. I recall texting Slish early to ask if he could pick me up…but he text me back AT 11 to say, sure. I am thinking…broham, your late! I ended catching a gypsy cab to 81st and Amsterdam. AJ and I met up first at the restaurant…I knew that she’s be outside because without fail…there was going to be a wait. She says it’s the home-made biscuits…I say that that’s just NY on a Sunday morning for brunch. Slish showed up in the batmobile and …well we got our tables and our mimosa’s and then the conversation began. Now…I know Slish from way back…and I know AJ from way back…but Slish and AJ had not yet met so I sat back and let their conversation flow. I have things on my mind and my brain is weary. I have bruises and muscle spasms from moving and as usual…I have a headache. I was having a good time but…my mind was on what was going on internally.
It must have been in this time that Slish turns to me and says…”Dev said you looked like you had a lot on your mind. Have you lost weight?” I laughed because if anything…I have gained a good 200 lbs in the last month but…I grunted at Dev’s perceptiveness and grunted again because Slish had reached across and emphasized my smallness by checking out my flabby arms.
Slish, ever the one to take care of me, had his cousin Dev help me move. It was but a day or two earlier that his other cousin Bowie had told me where to take AJ in Bowie. And it was Slish who orchestrated my move.
He told me I looked tired.
He asked if I was ok.
He meant it this time but this time…we didn’t have time for that conversation….and truth be told…he knows everything as it is. So…I’d just be reiterating things I have already said and …I was tired of telling that tell.

We parted and I took pics…ever the one to save a moment. *Group pics posted on facebook...*
Slish to …home?

AJ and I headed to …everywhere…lol We walked and talked and looked and we were quiet. We finally ended up in Central Park again…and this day…we took a table at the Boathouse and I snatched my first NY bar menu from there. We drank…and drank…her a chardonnay and me a cabernet. Cheese, and fruit…we talked about life and love and what all that means at the end of our days and where do we take that knowledge and how doe sit affect us.
Next stop…well…next 3 stops on our way to dinner… hmmm, was it jazz music, the Afro-Caribbean music and finally Hatian music?








And if that were not enough…we went ol’ skool NY in the summer time and ended with watching Studio 54 alumni as they took it back to the Roxy and roller-skated to disco music… reminded me of beat street, electric boogaloo, Staying Alive and every other movie from back in the 80’s.
We ended up at Arte Italiano or something like that for dinner and over a bottle of rose... I learned AJ’s story and I learned where she became the strong woman that she is and I learned that life gives you wisdom and wisdom you have to teach…to share.
We parted and made promises of more trips and more conversation and to remember that we have spent the better part of 2 weeks together. I knew I’d miss her the moment she walked away. I had a friend form Cal…like my other friends from Cal…and I knew that come Monday morning…she’d start her journey back to LA.

I’ve deliberately opened my festering wound and let the puss seep out so that I could clean it up and salve it with a medicine that would take away the pain and the disease that tried to settle in and destroy me…
I’ve scraped away the crusty scabs that had not healed…and put a new protectant on my wounds to make them clean. It is time to close those soars and let them heal, to remember where the scars come from so that I know never, ever to play with fire and the devil’s trident again…

Today was a perfect day and I felt arms around me and I was…inspired… IMAGINE.



Here is our last look out onto CPW.

It feels like I never left. As AJ and I made our way to the GW bridge to take us into the last leg of our road-trip into Harlem… I was reminded of why I love NY city. Despite the traffic at 8 in the morning…and me driving a big ass truck like I got paid to do it. I squeezed myself between to trucks and posted myself on the bumper of another truck as we made our slow roll across the Hudson.

I am glad that AJ stayed up and talked to me the whole 4.5 hours. I belatedly realized that I packed only slow music and if she had been sleeping…my mind would have drifted elsewhere.

It was less than 24 hours before, on Thursday, that I had crossed over the Woodrow Wilson bridge and looked to my right and said out my window…”Peace, out bitches.” I don’t think I was speaking to anyone in particular but I was reminded that exit 2 was where Mediocrity and Settling resided…I just laughed at the fact that some people will stay stuck on stupid…but me…I was moving on.

I told AJ that I would hang with her after the boxes were to be unloaded. We were going to celebrate with some drinks…I was NY again. Umm, I think I tect her around 9 to say it was a no go. But come Saturday…

We were meeting at the jazz fest in Central Park…it was thee most perfect day. We ran into her aunt…she brought her friend and everything just flowed…conversation, music and vibe. And as I sat there and took it in I realized that the vibration of the city was settling my soul and I was starting on something new and something familiar all at the same time. I sat and I listened and I took in everything, everyone and I wondered…have I been this content…recently? I sat back in my chair as AJ’s frined listened to the music and as AJ visited with her aunt and I felt…good. I closed my eyes and listened to afro Cuban jazz…


Saturday night AJ and I decided to conquer the rain and we headed to Groove…Oh. My. Goodness! We had fun. The music was everything…no, everything!! I am not sure what the reason was…or what I was suppose to glean…but being in AJ’s presence for the past week…I learned a lot. About her, about me…about shit in general.


Of course, there was a moment of MJ love and I looked in the corner and I saw this…one white glove standing out in a crowded bar full of people...


I love NY y’all. I am not saying this is my home forever… I don’t see myself here past 5 years but for now…I am going enjoy this like I did when I first moved here…because like then…I am going to enjoy life again.

Guess where I live...



That's right baby...yesterday made me an official NY'er...again.

Off to jazz in Central Park with AJ.
Will be back to write more.

I think I feel it *wink*

I am going to need for you to please go away and forget everything.
Please don't contact me with fake blog address on blogger, when it's wordpress. I wasn't going to read you then...and I am not going to read you now. Not that important to me.
Please stop emailing my father; your business is complete.
Please don't come here and check on me.
Please no need to try and convince anyone else.
Please don't try to press your point.
All the words have been spoken.




Sometimes you can work it out
Sometimes you can't
Sometimes you're forced to watch everything fall apart its outta your hands
Sometimes leaving is easy
Sometimes it aint
Sometimes it hurts to know the loving you had was slowly fading away

(chorus)
You can say whatever you like
As long as we just say goodbye
BLAME IT ON ME
Say its my fault
Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart
I really don't care
I aint crying no more
Say I'm a liar, a cheater
Say anything that you want
As long as it's over

I aint a quitter
I just aint the type
I tried to see you through
I tried to make it to the finishing line
Oooh you thought it was meant to be
Yeah, I admit so did I
Every once in a while you think you figured it out
Sometimes your not right

(chorus)
You can say whatever you like
As long as we just say goodbye
BLAME IT ON ME
Say its my fault
Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart
I really don't care
I aint crying no more
Say I'm a liar, a cheater
Say anything that you want
As long as it's over

My father said, "he has no reason to lie to me. He told me that he had moved to New Jersey and that he would be there for a couple of months to get his head right and his life on track...or something like that."

I reminded my father that he never had a reason to lie...he's habitual. He does it for no reason, about everything...his words can't be trusted, period.

My father said, "but Sweet Pea", as if my petname would make me better understand.
"But Sweet Pea, he has no reason to lie to me. I opened my home to him, broke bread with him...he wouldn't lie to me."

Now I am getting frustrated and a little mad because...yea daddy, I hear you. But if I did all that you have done, AS WELL AS, gave him my body; my love and 2 years of my life and he lied to me all the way thru it...what makes my father think that he has somehow found integrity with him? If he can call me a liar, a bitch, stupid and a loser to prove a point to another woman...after all that he has told me, all the love he's professed he had for me...why dad, can you not understand that he could lie to you too?

My dad believed that there was a certain honor and integrity amongst men...a sort of man code I guess.

"Well dad, he was there at the bar last night "coincidentally", he is still living here, he's not going anywhere, he told you that in hopes that you'd tell me that...it was a lie to get me to hopefully talk to him when he was stalking my cellphone."

Uncharacteristically, my daddy cussed, "that muthafucka. I CAN NOT believe him. He didn't have to tell me anything..."
And then he trailed off, as he tried to internally understand such a man...

All I could do is shake my head and say, "I told you how he was. You have to take everything he says with a grain of salt. He lies to find his own comfort. He doesn't know the definition of honor or integrity."

And then I changed the subject because...he never had a reason to lie.
~~~~

My auntie sent me the below link...I may just be finding out about this and this very well might be old as dirt...but it's scaaaary.
Not that I have anything to hide but...just the thought...

Cellphones
~~~~

I just realized that I have a lot of little stuff that I could probably throw away...that had a little bit of sentimental value. However, I threw away all my Mardi Gras beads...I am ditching my stuffed panda that was bought to look over me when I was alone. But I am also relaizing that I horde paper...tablet after tablet of writings that never had an ending to thier beginning.
It's actually sort of traumatizing moving...Blah.

One last thing...
I opened up the pantry door and I am just curious as to why my roomie would need 7 boxes of Special K cereal...just wondering...are they going out of business and she wants to make sure she has her fav cereal...is she on some special diet that I have never heard of...is there a door-to-door service that specializes in selling Special K, like girl scout cookies...just wondering.

I went to take a shower at 4:30 in the afternoon. Needed to get ready for the evening festivities. Showered, hair did, and had about 40 minutes left to find something to wear. I must have changed 5 times.
I really didn’t want to go out but…I will soon be gone and impromptu outings with family will be lost. I have already wasted so many other times, being somewhere else with someone else, rather than hanging out with them.
…I wasn’t trying to be “sexy” with the aunties…but I wanted to feel good about myself, about my looks. Couldn’t find the happy medium and ended up with jeans, a wack shirt and my favorite gold sandals.


Sidenote: Please DO NOT click picture. My feet are ashy as hell and you ain't need to see that all up close dammit!

Everyone made it to my house and from there…we headed into DC…


I hadn’t even made it out of the car good before some ReRun look-a-like comes up to me and starts in on trying to convince my little group into coming upstairs to listen/dance to old skool 70’s and 80’s music. They had a BBQ buffet…so the idea of music and food for $5 was almost tempting…but…not a seller for me. But the group wanted to go see what ReRun was talking about.
Right off the bat…we walked into a “room” that looked like the Elks Lodge had been rented out by Uncle Boojack and Cousin Pookie…complete with a buffet that looked like someone had just brought in their leftovers from the 4th’s BBQ cook out in a backyard in Suitland. I am NOT eating some home cooked meal from Shaniqua’s oven while her sister Claritha braided hair at the kitchen table.
I told my group that they could eat there…but ummm, I cain’t…just cain’t.

SIDENOTE: I find it mind boggling that I have lived here 11 months and my aunties were asking me the directions to freaking U St. Ummm, just keep driving straight and follow the streets in alphabetical order…ummm, DUH! They have lived here since 1984…and I have lived here since 2008….and you are asking me how to get around? [/]

We ended up at a restaurant and after they order some strong ass drinks…we started talking…about what you ask?
Anal sex…and porno.
Now…my auntie’s grand-daughter gives pleasure parties…so that’s how we, sort of, got on the subject of sex. She pulls out one of her little brochures after the plates are cleared.
Now, y’all know that there is no shame in my sex game, so I didn’t even look at the book since I think I am pretty on par with the act of intimacy. Plus, I have all the toys I need to sustain myself in this new self-imposed draught that I am going to undergo for the next 6 months (well that’s the plan…but someone told me that plans are meant to be broken)…so I go back to watching ESPN while they talk shop. But then we go back to the roundtable discussion and I get drawn in.
They think I am so worldly and whatnot…but the questions they were asking weren’t “worldly” but more along the lines of “raunchy”…so I have to evaluate their definition of worldly.
Now, you all know I know a little something about Madness (read: porn) and that I may or may not have a small library of my own…but I found out that that may or may not run in my family. Like its hereditary or something. ‘Cause I found out that my auntie may or may not have her own library.
So we they start talking about the different…desires/fetishes/proclivities/perversions…such as…fisting…and double penetration. I was shocked to say the least. I mean, these are conversations that you have with your man…and/or girlfriends…and/or therapist…but your aunties? Not so much. And it was absolutely inappropriate…thank goodness we had no others sitting by us. It wouldn’t have matter though, since voices started to get higher since everyone wanted to be heard and share their little bit of sexual knowledge.
I kept my mouth shut. Oddly.
I mean, next to this little group of women…I realized I wasn’t as up on the freaky (that could be in me).
I realized that the old heads had more experience than I wanted to hear. And they had no qualms in talking about it.
I was speechless. No…really.
Well…until it came to my cousin. She looked at the group as if they had all suddenly talked Turkish. So I asked her if she had ever had anal, no. Have you ever entertained the thought of bringing a toy into the sex act, no. Ummm, how many positions have you tried, 2? She answers with a nervous laugh and says nooooo…as she puts her head down. I asked if she asks her man to slap her ass when he’s hittin’ it from the back…and she said “no, he does it on his own. I don’t see why he does it, I don’t get anything from the smack on the ass.”
She was so…uninterested and un-enthused that I felt that I needed to be sitting in a chair in the corner and coach them as she and her husband went at it. Of course that wouldn’t happen considering her husband barely likes me in the house much less…in the room with them as I was critiquing his sex game. Just sayin’…I could be a great sex therapist and coach…’cause clearly…he ain’t doin’ right by my cousin.
I should have known that the conversation was going to go loopy when they were ordering bar drinks and I was still drinking Shirley Temples and glasses of water.
I realized too late that a should have had a couple drinks to keep up with this conversation...'cause I was somewhat blushing...ummm, somewhat.

We left the restaurant and went to listened to some jazz. I actually fell asleep during the first 4 songs because…it was dark and the music was slow and sultry…and I haven’t stopped my mind from being active while I sleep. So I was in the right atmosphere for relaxing and finally…sleeping.
I shook it off and I pulled out my camera and took some pics of us… Looking at the pictures I am reminded that I look so much different than them…yet at the same time…we have the same facial features/characteristics. Our relation can not be disputed but…I am still different.

I got home by 11 and started in watching the telly and then that teary eyed-ness came back…
I cried over Stockard Channing and Angie Jolie…
Yea…It’s a given…I should be miserable next week. That’s ok because I was dreading that it would be just my luck that I wouldn’t be miserable in this way but in an entirely different way. So the emotions are understood…I will be miserable for 2.5 days next week.

Headed to Cap Blvd with AJ for my last little outing while in this area.
This time pictures will be taken!!! Last week we both had a lapse in memory and cameras were left in purses.

Hope you had a great Monday!

B~E~Z

Elder's Meditation of the Day - July 5

"It does not require many words to speak the truth."
--Chief Joseph, NEZ PERCE

The truth shall set you free. This is the truth. When we speak the Truth, we do not need to be defensive. Truth needs no defense. When we speak the Truth, we do not need to attack because Truth cannot be attacked. It is so easy to want to manipulate or to be deceitful or dishonest. My head tells me I can get away with doing these things, after all everybody does it.

Prayer:
My Creator, today let me know Truth. Let me live Truth. Let me risk the Truth. Let me make the Truth sweet. Help me to make my word good. Let Your spirit and intent be added to by words. Let My thoughts be Truth.
~~~~

I have been watching ANTM for the last 2 hours. I don’t even like this show but…nothing else is on and I keep telling myself…pack…pack…pack.
And yet…I just sit here…eating popcorn, a whatchamacallit and drinking water and downloading music from Music To My Ears. I bought myself an iPod finally…so now I have more music to add to it.
Wondering if I should just ditch everything but my books, my shoes and clothes. I could sell the rest of my stuff or give it away on CL…
I already ordered a new bed for my new home and figured I’d put current bed in the 2nd room. So…other than the bookshelf and the dining table…everything else is just trash. Including my once beloved plasma. Although, it has been fine since evil left my house. Odd that. Granted when I first turn it on, it still has squiggly lines but clears up relatively fast.
Blah!
I don’t know. But I better make a decision soon. Everyone thinks that I should ditch and start anew. But as we know, I rarely do what everyone thinks I should do. I should learn to go with the status quo sometimes.

Swifter commercials are hilarious…the one where the duster is on the laptop trying to webcam…“don’t you want me baby?” As you can tell…I am bored.

Tonight I am heading out to a spot on U Street with aunties, their friends and my cousin. I am hoping no chaos ensues. Never know with the aunties. I am not necessarily down for being social today but… I think it will be nice to laugh with them. My big booty auntie wants to shake her money maker and since I know that can not be missed…I am going just for that…lol
Packing tomorrow and then happy hour with Aunt Jackie.