Writing My Wrongs

I don't know who makes up the rules/etiquette of dating but the way I see it is...if I/or you are not clicking it's ok to let the person know such and both parties can move on. I’ll come back to this at the bottom of this post…

So I told you about me doing this whole dating online thing...figured I'd meet men in my area and just go out for dates...meet men, hang out, have fun and get out of that funk I was in.
Well...I have met just 2 men online despite my month and change of being on BPM...
And both...well, I will call one a dud and the other one...a bigger dud. But obviously my love for asshole-ish ways has now stretched to liking duds...lol

Let me just say this real quick...if I hear one more man tell me that I am articulate or that I am cool as shit OR that I am not like other women...I swear fa golly-gee-whiz...I'mma stop dating all together. 'Cause seriously...what type of ignorant, uptight, cookie-cutter chicks are these guys dating if I am considered the cream of the crop [so to speak...in my own words...lol]
That’s not saying that I am not some kind of wonderful...'cause I am...but I am not even putting forth effort. Which means that, random chicks that are coming with their A-game are really playing against me with my half-assed efforts...
Which is a bigger tragedy for the woman that has a lot to offer. Because of random gatinha, the bar has been lowered as far as what men are willing to offer concerning time and effort. So many chicks are out there paying for dates, opening doors for themselves, being quiet when they should be speaking up, willing to share their “man” with other women, excepting any behavior just to be able to say she “ oo wee, look what I got” by having a man on her weekly calendar to validate who she is… and other miscellaneous bullshit that’s unacceptable.

My thing is…a man courts a woman he is interested in. And if a man isn’t sure what that means then he needs to definitely take time out to google that shit. If I am willing to treat you like I want you in my space…then be the man that puts forth effort that shows me that you want me in your space.
I understand that there are a ton of women that are doing just about anything to get your interest short of fucking you in the dairy aisle at the grocery store but really… you [men] feel validated by getting as much ass possible to ride the dick?…or is it even about sex…are men that lonely that they will take whatever is thrown at them like dogs waiting for scraps under a table...
Y’all do know that y’all are sometimes fucking with scraps, right?

Ok...I just convinced myself once again that I am the shit...even when I am working part-time...with a broken leg, one cock-eye and a sprained thumb...I am a formable competitor. My daddy told me I'd be good at something...he was just never clear on what it would be... Clearly though...I'm good at receba homens gostar de mim. I should take advantage of that...but for now...I'm a lazy dater and to be even more truthful...men aren’t all that much of a priority right now and I am not really feeling like I need to chase a muthafucka down, especially when I ain’t meaning to keep him for mine.
Yes, I like the chase of a game but not at the price where I am back flipping all ass backwards to be with someone that I am not going to walk once he’s been got. Just sayin’…if I can’t keep in half way real here then where could I…lol

Another sidenote: If a man isn’t in a position to date…then he shouldn’t! No, really! If you don’t have the time, the money, or are emotionally unavailable to be loved or love…then he should really take the time to figure his shit out without dragging a soft, emotional and open woman to take that journey with him…and making her take on his baggage…hell, not only taking it on but making her carry that shit…
He is less than desirable as a companion and even more so, as a man in general. Nothing is as unattractive as a man who is off center, needy and…bitchy. I can’t be your rib if you don’t even realize what it means to be a man in a male/female relationship.

I know that the last sidenote was contradictory to what I was saying about my view of dating right now…but…but…I can love, accept love and I know what fucking role I play in the relationship…I know how to play my position. I am open to a connection but believe me when I say, it’s not going to break me if I am not in one right at this moment…Really! I am fine cuddled up with my stuffed panda as I lie on his belly while I drink a beer and watch TrueBlood.
[Umm, wow…that sounded real freaky…isn’t there some sort of sexual fetish out there that involves stuffed animals? Hehe]

So one of my duds was a disappointment because I was digging on him but…he works for some rapper [which is a minus] and his scheduling is all off. He sets plans for a date and then calls me from the airport telling me he is headed out to some show or some such bullshit. The one thing that I liked was that he was calling me from the hotel room phone to prove he wasn’t sitting his chocolaty-dimpled-ass up in Brooklyn while he was telling me he was in Seattle. Another thing is that every single morning and evening without fail he’d either text me or call me to say good morning and good night. Its little things like that that make me sit up and take notice. I get hooked on routine attention as I am sure most people do.
Speaking of that, I should be a little more cognizant of being more routine with my attention showing skills…maybe…yeah, maybe.
So…his schedule and my need for attention…plus needing someone to accompany me to all the functions I am invited to…well, I need someone in my life as a partner rather than an after-thought. But damn if he didn’t have potential…but with me moving out of the city…and him living in BK…I’d be farther away and it was already bullshit for us to match up schedules as it was…
So, I sent him a text…stank I know but, stank I am…
I could have called him but…really?! We aren’t in a relationship…it was brand new and limited…so I don’t feel bad about texting him. I had been ignoring his calls…just because…I was basically done and not really having the desire to even fake a conversation. He sent me a text asking me if I didn’t want him to contact me anymore…so I merely responded to his text. Cop out? Probably to a degree but…blah!

Besides random ass… I am just doing what I do...and that is neither good nor bad…
My controlled recklessness can be a little debilitating in that I haven’t written a damn thing since I have moved back to NYC…and if I don’t write, I don’t get...
Spending money like I was that girl, the one I was back then…but I’m not…I am an old hag in the now... well, on the younger side of the hag age…but haggish all the same.

My mind wonders and I can’t focus as you can probably tell from this post since I have wandered all over this page, I am hoping that come the 1st…it will all start to smooth out because I need to get my groove back… I am pleasantly surprised to have taken advantage of NYC’s summer as soon as I got back. Jumping feet first into the grime of New York…

Like JZ said…
…since I made it here, I can make it anywhere.

In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
Theres nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
these streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
lets here it for New York, New York, New York



The best part of this song is Alicia but y’all know U have a girl crush on her.

B~E~Z y’all and don’t hurt nobody.

I didn't know what Monday was going to hold for me...figured it was going to be like any other day in the life of Bloopty living in NYC. I knew I had set up two [2] dates per day for the whole week. So the majority of what I had "planned" was about working to be as beautiful as possible for my...menz. Again, nothing exciting or major.

So I rolled over in my bed and picked my bedfellow [read: cellphone] up off the pillow next to me... something, I couldn’t grasp, in the middle of the night was still sitting on the peripheral of my mind-space...
…so I clicked onto Contacts...and started my way down my friends to send out text to those that I hadn't spoken to in a while...to reconnect...because even though I hadn't spoke to them...I still cherished them. I started with "A" and started my way on down the alphabet...and for whatever reason I scrolled on down to "W" and started to send Will a text.
...and for whatever reason, I stopped...I got emotional.
I shook it off as being...off balance since moving to NYC and thinking about this week of 10-dates-in-5-days marathon I was about to undertake...

It was probably 5 minutes later that I got a response from Will and to be honest...I wanted to slap Will for delivering the information thru text. Even though seconds later I would send AJ and Slish the same info...and while talking to Slish, my call would be interrupted by Zed...and it was at that moment I realized...

We are friends first and bloggers second. We care about eachother and we read about eachother and as Nikki Harris and I have done for 5 years...we have peeked into eachothers lives and became voyeurs...and because I know I tell y'all things I probably wouldn't tell my in-person friends...I can imagine that you all do a little bit of that yourselves...
We sometimes know eachother better than friends or relatives.
We are friends...and in a slightly twisted way...we are family.

So...I cried. And I cried and I cried in a way that I have never cried for anyone...but here I was crying for Anika...I called her Nik. I call her Nik.
I’ve always said that I write to keep myself sane…and I guess that holds true more than any other time…on Monday.

I don't know about anyone else...
My grandmother died, my uncle died...but in all honesty, neither was a surprise. Loved them dearly. And even now I still sometimes forget my grandmother is gone because I dream so much about her...but...that's not the case with Nik...
I’ve never lost a friend. Someone that I knew…someone that I had laughed with, or talked about life experiences and plans with, or admired…

You see...Nikki was a rare, talented and beautiful woman who I envied for her talent, who I cherished as my inspiration and who was my road dog when it came to the raunchy that we both wrote about [hers with more flourish and imagination while I struggled for words other than "fuck"]. Nikki’s writing always touched me. Touched me in a way that didn’t speak about the story...but the way she could put words together…they way she was creative. She was funny, she was raw and not like me raw where I am self deprecating yet nonchalant...but hers was a real stank that flowed from her page when she was disgusted and poetic prose of want, admiration and feelings when she was inspired by the male species. She was awesome in her delivery...and her wit was quick and I sat back and silently hated on her...LOL

Nikki and I had a moment back in '06 regarding the chick/idiot/bitch that faked her death...we exchanged some words and for a minute...I wiped my hands of her and her wonderful writing. It wasn't ugly...we just didn't agree about something...
I let it go...walked away from her blog thinking that blah...there were a million and one blogs on the internet I would find another to replace her Indigo Thoughts…
Yes, there are a lot of blogs.
But none like Nik's and because I loved her personality, her words, her ability to make you feel what she felt when she wrote, her ability to make you laugh at her point of view, and admittedly, she made me learn because some of her shit was so deep...I had to re-read...because of all that, I moseyed on back and she folded me into her writers arms and all was right with the world again.

Outside of the blogworld we spoke, we IM'd, we emailed. I remember after an incident I had in Maryland [date-rape drug incident] Nik sent me an email that touched me...and made me cry.

Nik inspired me to be a better writer...and though I am nowhere near the level she was...I was always immensely proud when she told me I had written something well...or that she appreciated my candid-ness.

Just like my love for Aunt Jackie [Nisa]...I have been in love with Nikki for a long time. There are only 5 bloggers that I read faithfully AJ, Nikki, Zed, Cheap Seats and Chele...and now only 4.
I've lost a friend, a mentor, an inspiration and a sister.
Words could never and will never express/convey or show the enormity of the loss that the world has experienced…although…
As many of you have witnessed on FB and her blog…she has touched so many people…and as long as her work is out there…she will always be immortalized through her talent that she shared with us all.

Although I am so very sad in knowing I will not read anymore stories of her life’s experiences, or the clever word play in responses or daily conversation on FB/Twitter…
I thank God for having experienced her.

Anika Harris Vines
August 1, 1971 – August 30, 2009
Gone too soon.













Comments & Responses
nikki said...
damn, damn, and DAMN. yeah, i've got limits too. i want experience but the kind of experience that comes with being choosy and getting QUALITY vs. taking whatever and getting QUANTITY. i mean, how am i supposed to feel if brotha don't have standards? what that say about me?
Wed Sep 12, 10:37:00 PM EDT

nikki said...
this post sounds extremely wistful and i'm right there witcha. i especially like the part with stolen kisses. those are the best.
Mon Sep 24, 11:00:00 PM EDT
@ Nik: Stolen kisses and touches are always nice.
Well, not always...this morning on the crowded A train...I think I touched this guys weewee....it was mid-hard (or mid-soft depending on how you look at it)...woulda been a good look had I not had to touch his big o' belly first.


nikki said...
lmao@"i can only take you in small doses"

this cat doesn't sound all that appealing. good thing you kicking him to the curb, right? RIGHT?!?
Wed Oct 10, 02:53:00 PM EDT


nikki said...
i love the shoes!
I LOVE THE SHOES!

"largagus penisucus...latin for dick"
bwaaahaha! that's what i'm talking about. why is everyone so horny right about now? i'm right there with you, although i'm getting laid, probably tonight. at least, i think so. i gotta check.

i'll tell him to throw in a good stroke on your behalf.

Wed Oct 10, 02:45:00 PM EDT
Blah Blah Blah said...
@ Nik: If he's gonna stroke one for me... make usre he says Bloopty! loud as hell...and also tell him to make that cum stoke MY stroke...lol

*secretly hating on Nik 'cause she thinks she so fly 'cause she's getting dick and I ain't*

nikki said...
i really love the relationship you have with your dad. it's so beautiful...
Mon Jun 18, 10:16:00 PM EDT

nikki said...
the only person who gets most of my innermost thoughts is my brother, but that's cuz we grew up together. i trust that cat like i trust nobody else on this planet.

i've held secrets and divulged secrets. i don't think there's a person out there who hasn't told a secret for one reason or another. sometimes it's necessary. sometimes it's done out of pettiness. i'm not above being petty, but i would hope it ain't a recent activity.

meanwhile, trust is one of those things that i'd like to give to a person because i wanna believe i have faith in the goodness of folk, but i've come to realize not many folk i know have my absolute trust. not sure if i've suffered as result of being so mistrusting, but i figure it's just safer this way.
Mon Jul 09, 07:26:00 PM EDT

nikki said...
going backward means you ain't going forward (that was really deep of me if i do say so myself)

and don cheadle is BEYOND fine. there is just something about that cat...

i ain't gonna fight you over him though.
Tue Jul 10, 02:35:00 PM EDT

See you on the other side friend.