Writing My Wrongs

Sitting here feeling rather bitter. Bitter at all the shit that I have gone through here in New York state. Granted tons of good shit has happened to me...but damn...today is just that day that bitterness rules!

Worst thing about it is that ... my bitterness right now revolves around ME DOING DIRT! How the hell does that make any fucken sense? I am entitled though...why you ask.....because I am a woman! LOL *Stop rolling your eyes*

Since my job is really the basic fuck around job...I have been downloading songs to add to my damn iPod Nano...well...for some reason I am choosing all these laid-back and easy songs...songs that bring memories of California sun and New York Indian summers....this shit is painful.

Listening to this song called First Love by Goapele... thing about this is that most of this chicks songs are WHACK! But I got turned on to her in Cal because she too is form the bayarea...she came out with a song called Closer about 3 years ago. That song use to be my every morning wake up song.... I'd come into my office at the Univ.ersity of C.alifornia and turn that song on and sit and sip my coffee in front of my window on the 11th floor and look out at the city.... That song put me in a good mood to start my day.... I wasn't even "in love" when this song had this affect on me. Well, now I am listening to First Love and this song is doing the same shit!I am going away this weekend...and not with my DipSet. Thing about it is that I am bitter because I can think of all the times that men have done some foul shit to me...and here I am doing it to him. He didn't even question me...he just assumed I was going to visit family. I didn't agree or disagree with him...just let him think what he wanted. I am feeling like shit.

You ask why would I go? Because that's just the way shit is!! What does that mean? Not sure but I know that I am not gonna renig on the invite...after all, tickets have been paid for. Is it the thought of something different? It's not because I am looking for someone to replace DipSet. So, I am sitting here and as I am typing, I am listening to Heather Headley sing I Wish I Wasn't. Yea, I am an idiot about to mess up some shit with DipSet, over a man that I am not even feeling...who I proabaly will never even see again.

Then why am I doing it? Is because of the mundane? The decision he made last week and then recanted on? The scare of the thought of a "lifetime"? I just need a little excitement in my life? A flirt, a feel good feeling from another man? Is it my inability to be "settled"? I have been trying to not talk myself into a role or category as this man says that I usually do. I don't know but whatever it is...it is gonna get people hurt and that is never a good thing. Thing about it...as clearly as I see myself driving into a brickwall, I can't turn this wheel. So, we will see what materializes from my inability to be real.

I am so not intuned with my lust/like/love/desire and control side. Thing is...I don't want sex...I want to just be in the presence of another man. Like I said, it's not like I am in replacement mode...just looking for something different than what I come home to every day.

Would I be upset if I found out that he was doing what I am about to do this weekend? Hell yes!!! But who is to say he isn't going to be "preoccupied" this weekend while I am gone? After all, he has met up with other women when I was out of town.
This shit stinks!! ...and hurts!!!

Can I change this? Make a better outcome? Could I control this feeling?
...yes... will I?...no...

I leave tomorrow afternoon.