Writing My Wrongs

...I was trying to, but he was gonna wanna see results at some point...right?

Here's the setup:

DipSet rolls his big fat whale ass over and says "Babe, for real...I'm fat!"

I look at him like...MAN! You just now figuring that shit out. You didn't know it when your pants where a size to small, when your dress shirts went from a 17 and a half to an 18 neck, when the shoulders on your sweaters start to ride up and make you look like your wearing your little brothers clothes..... THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I LOOKED AT HIM!

I say to him..."No, your not baby...you've just gained a little bit of weight, it will come off so fast you'll forget you were ever waking yourself up with that fat-man-breathing-while-rolling-over-in-the-bed *now you all KNOW I DIDN'T say that...ok, I did say the heavy breathing part*

Know what HE said? "Well Alli, you know, your not as small as you were when I first met you...."

Men KNOW that weight is not a subject that you play lightly with.

So me being the bitch that I can sometimes be when I get my feelings hurt and I start feeling self-conscious say:

FUCK YOU...YOU ASS!
and walk out the room *well more like take off running in the stupid girl run, with arms flailing and tears streaming down my face* LOL

So, a month after him complaining about his fat ass and then complaining that I SHOULD JOIN A GYM....he joins. Some bogus wanna-be gym in Mount Vernon. Ok, that was the first week in January...he's been a total of 5 times since he joined...in all! Never-the-less, he joined........I haven't. He is going on and on about how he's gonna be svelte by the spring...*yea riiiiiiight, you mean by spring of 2007!* AND once he gets looking all good and muscle-ly...he's gonna get him a "new gold-digger" (yea, sorta fucked up that he calls me that...but if the shoe fits....it's because he forced my foot in!) Now that his ignorant ass has joined (and only been 5 times in 6 weeks) he's calling me all kinds of disrespectful shit...

back to the lie.............

I told him that I had joined the gym about 3 weeks ago...I hadn't.

OK...you know my life never quite goes the way I invision in my head...for some reason...fate takes my vision and shakes it up a bit and I usually get the short end of the stick...or the shitty end (which ever analogy fits best)

DipSet and I have been fuedin' for a while now (I ain't told y'all) I knew that Dipset didn't want me anymore...well I knew what his mouth said...but I also know that if I "applied" myself a little more than I can have back all the luxury I had (a little kiss kiss and suck suck always works)...even if just for a short time....which is better than what I thought I had.

So in my grand plan...I decided to build my wall, live with this man with no feelings involved and start to "do my thang"... My plan was to start ..."meeting" other people...not so much as to establish a relationship, more along the lines of trying to keep myself busy...so that I wouldn't have to go STRAIGHT home after work. He and I, all bottled up in the same place and having to breath eachothers air. For you that don't know what it feels like to live with someone when you know it's over...well it's one of thee most uncomfortable situations.

Granted, I know that this man DOES like me...LOVE ME! He's just not ready for me. Why?...fuck if I know...'cause I've been the muthafucka...up until this point. This man has never had reason to second guess me or doubt me.....but now....he created this (me) and now he has to live with his decision.

I digress...

So, I concocted the story of me joining a gym..right around the corner from my job, which I might add is 35 minutes away from home on Metro-North. I thought this was a good plan because I had about an hour of free time to myself and if I wanted to stretch it and just tell him I was taking my time with my reps...that was another 30-45 minutes..... SO all in all I was gonna be out of the house for 2 and half hours 3 days a week and that's not including my pool night..........I had it made!

Then that bitch fate stepped in....

Out of nowhere, he decides he wants me. What's to KEEP me...for just his...no sharing...LOL A couple of Saturday's ago, as we are coming home from one of his games...this knuckle-head stops off at Champs and as I am looking all dumb-founded in the truck...looking at him like what the hell...................he proceeds to tell me:

Him: Babe, since you took the initiative to sign up for the gym and you want to firm up your squishy....I am gonna buy you some work-out clothes and some new sneakers!

Me: *fuck fuck fuck* Great baby...thank you! *fuck fuck fuck*

Him: On top of that, I want to buy you this velour suit ($130.00)

Me: Baby, I don't need all that.

Him: Just let me have my little pleasures...I like how your little ass jiggles when you run up the stairs in front of me in the other velour outfit......... *he smirks*

Me: Fuck you, son! *I ain't got no ass, which means I ain't got no jiggle*

Since I am not the type to take a man's money just because... (Fuck whatcha heard!!!) I was just about to tell him when he says....

Him: Remember the other night when you had to unbutton your pants after dinner? *he's getting the MAJOR evil eye*

Me: I see you didn't put on your bra today.... *I busted out laughing and he smacked my ass...and not in the nice "fuck me" way but in the "you-now-you-done-talked-back-too-damn- much" way.... still think I have his fucken hand print on my ass...could be heard for miles around...fucker!*

So he spent $130 for the velour fit, $120.00 for the Nike sneakers, and another $90 something on work out tops and pants....
Needless to say...I have to either
1) join a gym (because he's gonna expect to see some results)
2) come clean and tell him that I never joined (fat chance of that happening) or
3) tell him I quit my gym and want to join his gym so I can be close to him since I don't like all the yucky men watching me at my gym....put on my pouty face and hope he falls for it AND pays for it. 'Cause I don't know how long I can go before he starts to figure out that...I'm a big fat liar!

What do I do?

I bet him...bet him that I would lose the weight first (mind you, I haven't joined a gym I am just throwing out an empty bet)

...................silence.............
the chances of a 43 year old man who goes to the gym 5 times in 6 weeks or a 35 yo chick who walks 24 NEW YORK blocks daily, takes the stairs whenever possible, and whose drive is much stronger because I am still TOO cute to be fat (not saying big girls aren't cute...but this girl wouldn't be cute big!)
............silence................

Him: Aaaaa......ok, we can bet. What are we betting for?

Me: My left right ring finger is feeling mighty light......... *yes RIGHT, I ain't tryna get married!*

Him: Ok, if I win....I get to poke you in the ass! He smiles the biggest I've EVER seen....what he doesn't know........he has pushed the ante SO FAR UP......Ain't NO motherfucker (yes I used the c-o-r-r-e-c-t spelling because I don't want NO ONE misunderstanding that ain't NO ONE putting shit in my ass but his tongue!)

Guess what I did?

My ass went out and bought some TrimSpa and joined the damn gym....

I kept my lie going for as long as possible...but the thought of my ass being gouged by a (decent size) dick...has given me so much motivation *more like scared me witless* to loose this weight.....

My ass will remain tight for EVER...only making size adjustments for things coming out....LMAO
*ewww, that was gross..lol*