Wednesday, February 22, 2006
What If's
I use to leave my cell phone in my car...to prevent me from making late night phone calls.
I had....a...habit...a vice....a monkey on my back...and his name was Buc.
I met this man in my weekly (ok, NIGHTLY) neighborhood dive...The Gol.den B.e.ar in Oakland. Met him on kareoke night. Every Wednesday from 9 until.... They have bleachers along the wall on the left handside when you walk in....with a small aisle between them and the actual bar....and up on the shelves...tv's...televisions...boob-tubes. Up front they have 2 or 3 tables specifically for domino players, tables in the back were for bullshit illegal talk and basically...the nobodies-who-thought-they-were-somebodies... and for the pool hustlers. 2 pool tables in front of the bathrooms...which of course are in the back....which means...you had to walk past every fucking guy to get to the bathrooms.... past domino players, past bleacher warmers (me), past kareoke singers, past pool tables and hustlers, past idle riff raff JUST to pee...or apply lipstick!ANYAWY, I am a little tipsy...refusing to come up off my bleacher spot... fuck if I am parading around MY damn bar for these every-day-basic negroes! I use the bathroom before I come and RIGHT before I leave and that's it! Not like these other broads, who are constantly getting up and down so they can show their wears to all the menz folk. Besides, like I stated..nothing but basic negroes up in the joint...only one worth eyeing is the owner..."Wish-I-Could"...and umm, "we" done been dere and done dat!... NOT that he and I...you know...but he and I...well he be lookin...and I be lookin....but he don't be sayin' shit...and I sure as hell don't say shit...well not in California that is. He and I had an understanding...which IS a story for another blog...
Sidenote: New York men HAVE to be stepped to. Scarey muthafuckas...unlessin' the are basic T.ime Sq.ua.re riff raff...then those tourist groupies wanna be all up in my face.... I call them tourist groupies because they think that tourist are hard up to fall for anyone that speaks to them with some wack ass New York slang-game. "Yo Yo ma"..."baby baby"... "sup mami"....like I said, basic ignorant bullshit... California men...no need to do anything but smile their direction and they come quickly.... love that about them... never had to over exert myself when it came to California men. Not saying they are easy (well maybe I am) but saying they see someone they like...they generally speak up on it.
I was sitting up on the top bleacher...BUC was sitting on the stool at the bar...staring at me. This man's lips...an assault weapon...like Mekhi Pfeiffers lips...sexy ass fuck!From that night on we kept up a 8 month fling. I ofund out after a couple of months that he had a woman...a woman that he lived with. Your asking how could I NOT know this to begin with...this is how: Buc's grandfather passed away and left him his house.... he kept this house fully furnished and had clothes, food and everything in this place, that he shared with a friend. SO if we weren't at my place...we were at his place...spending the night. I was playing June Cleaver and cooking shit up for this man in a house I THOUHGT he lived in. I found out later and wasn't too upset because at the time I had traveling ass... I was traveling so much that I had the whole west coast covered and New York too. Besides that, I've always thought males were shady characters...never let anything they do surprise me. Well, some how this chick found out about me before I found out about her. She soon ended it with him and that chick still thinks to this day that he left her for me. Funny how that worked out. I never knew about her, never wanted to take her place and didn't even think twice wondering if Buc WANTED me to take her place. Have never even seen this chick but in one photo...but I probably fucked her world up, her whole "family" life and didn't know it...so therefore wasn't caring. THAT'S why I don't fuck around with a man who has a chick. Goes back to that whole...being the catalyst for disater. I have to answer for that shit in the end. Well, I suppose that applies more to if the man was married...either way...I have enough shit I have to answer for on judgement day...don't need to add to it with fucking up a household.
I digress...again...
Looking back on it I can see all the signs that this man was digging me....but...at the time...I thought he thought of me the way I thought of him...as a fuck. Never really clicked that this man was spending almost every other day with me and we would take weekend trips, he took me everywhere. Shit, I was taking him to places that I knew I'd see my other....what's the east coast slang? Jump off?...men at. Not that I thought I had it like that...but I thought I HAD it like that! We soon became a "couple"...people asking him where I was or asking me where he was if we weren't together. Thing is....we BOTH were seeing other people and my heart still belonged to The Asshole. We weren't committed to eachother, we weren't responsible for our accountings when we wren't together. Never questioning and never any arguments. Just late night talks and crazy ass sex. Playing dodge ball with the pussy..trying to make sure he slammed it to me...hard. Even now, I contract, smile and get a little wet at the thought of the shit we use to do... we were perfect together...for what it was....
8 months after I told him I was done...with him. I got a call at work, Buc telling me that he loved me and that he has always loved me. He wanted me for his and wanted me to move in with him. Me: "Buc, I don't want your love. Take it and give it to that chick you were with when you started fucking around with me."
I said this in the nicest voice. Let him know that I really enjoyed our time but I couldn't possibily start a committed relationship with a man that met me when he had a woman.
Me: "What makes you think that I would want a man that was cheating when I met him? Wouldn't I always have the thought that if you did it to her with me, that you'd do it to me?" Would you want a woman that you knew to be a cheater?"
He was silent on the phone....and then....
He cried.
Big ass Buc... Hard ass Buc... Street-wise Buc. That shit scared me. Rattled me like...DAMN! No, fa real scared me. this man loves me? huh? I seriously couldn't understand. I am thinking...what the fuck, wasn't this suppose to be for fun?
Buc: "Bloopty, that was different. I was in that because I felt obligated. I want YOU. Your different. You have no idea how the thought of you makes me smile, your my heart."
.........I gave him silence.
Then I said, "I have to get back to work Buc, you have a good life." Then I hung up.
Thing was....I wanted that man for mine just as much as he said, he wanted me for his. But, I also know ME...and I would never ever trust him. Conversation was good, sex was exceptional, fun-o-meter was the highest it could get....yet in the corner of my mind...he'd always be under suspicion.
That was my California Lovin'
Since I have been in New York he has called me 5 times (yes, I know how many!) One of those calls, I told him I would be back in Cal the following week...he asked to see me. I said ok...but I knew I wouldn't. I couldn't do it to myself. I'd be 3000 miles away, thinking about his dick back on the otherside of the United States...plus by this time, I had my own issues with New York dick and as y'all know...I ain't that stable and 2 conflicting dicks would have sent me over the edge....lol
He called me on Valentine's day...and as usual...I let it go to voicemail. I can't talk to him, I start to stutter and I feel like an ass because what we had 2 years ago probably has no more meaning for him...but I still think of
...what if's....
"hey sweet thang...wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day...you know who this is...and I am, over and out...love you Bloopty, bye"
I had....a...habit...a vice....a monkey on my back...and his name was Buc.
I met this man in my weekly (ok, NIGHTLY) neighborhood dive...The Gol.den B.e.ar in Oakland. Met him on kareoke night. Every Wednesday from 9 until.... They have bleachers along the wall on the left handside when you walk in....with a small aisle between them and the actual bar....and up on the shelves...tv's...televisions...boob-tubes. Up front they have 2 or 3 tables specifically for domino players, tables in the back were for bullshit illegal talk and basically...the nobodies-who-thought-they-were-somebodies... and for the pool hustlers. 2 pool tables in front of the bathrooms...which of course are in the back....which means...you had to walk past every fucking guy to get to the bathrooms.... past domino players, past bleacher warmers (me), past kareoke singers, past pool tables and hustlers, past idle riff raff JUST to pee...or apply lipstick!ANYAWY, I am a little tipsy...refusing to come up off my bleacher spot... fuck if I am parading around MY damn bar for these every-day-basic negroes! I use the bathroom before I come and RIGHT before I leave and that's it! Not like these other broads, who are constantly getting up and down so they can show their wears to all the menz folk. Besides, like I stated..nothing but basic negroes up in the joint...only one worth eyeing is the owner..."Wish-I-Could"...and umm, "we" done been dere and done dat!... NOT that he and I...you know...but he and I...well he be lookin...and I be lookin....but he don't be sayin' shit...and I sure as hell don't say shit...well not in California that is. He and I had an understanding...which IS a story for another blog...
Sidenote: New York men HAVE to be stepped to. Scarey muthafuckas...unlessin' the are basic T.ime Sq.ua.re riff raff...then those tourist groupies wanna be all up in my face.... I call them tourist groupies because they think that tourist are hard up to fall for anyone that speaks to them with some wack ass New York slang-game. "Yo Yo ma"..."baby baby"... "sup mami"....like I said, basic ignorant bullshit... California men...no need to do anything but smile their direction and they come quickly.... love that about them... never had to over exert myself when it came to California men. Not saying they are easy (well maybe I am) but saying they see someone they like...they generally speak up on it.
I was sitting up on the top bleacher...BUC was sitting on the stool at the bar...staring at me. This man's lips...an assault weapon...like Mekhi Pfeiffers lips...sexy ass fuck!From that night on we kept up a 8 month fling. I ofund out after a couple of months that he had a woman...a woman that he lived with. Your asking how could I NOT know this to begin with...this is how: Buc's grandfather passed away and left him his house.... he kept this house fully furnished and had clothes, food and everything in this place, that he shared with a friend. SO if we weren't at my place...we were at his place...spending the night. I was playing June Cleaver and cooking shit up for this man in a house I THOUHGT he lived in. I found out later and wasn't too upset because at the time I had traveling ass... I was traveling so much that I had the whole west coast covered and New York too. Besides that, I've always thought males were shady characters...never let anything they do surprise me. Well, some how this chick found out about me before I found out about her. She soon ended it with him and that chick still thinks to this day that he left her for me. Funny how that worked out. I never knew about her, never wanted to take her place and didn't even think twice wondering if Buc WANTED me to take her place. Have never even seen this chick but in one photo...but I probably fucked her world up, her whole "family" life and didn't know it...so therefore wasn't caring. THAT'S why I don't fuck around with a man who has a chick. Goes back to that whole...being the catalyst for disater. I have to answer for that shit in the end. Well, I suppose that applies more to if the man was married...either way...I have enough shit I have to answer for on judgement day...don't need to add to it with fucking up a household.
I digress...again...
Looking back on it I can see all the signs that this man was digging me....but...at the time...I thought he thought of me the way I thought of him...as a fuck. Never really clicked that this man was spending almost every other day with me and we would take weekend trips, he took me everywhere. Shit, I was taking him to places that I knew I'd see my other....what's the east coast slang? Jump off?...men at. Not that I thought I had it like that...but I thought I HAD it like that! We soon became a "couple"...people asking him where I was or asking me where he was if we weren't together. Thing is....we BOTH were seeing other people and my heart still belonged to The Asshole. We weren't committed to eachother, we weren't responsible for our accountings when we wren't together. Never questioning and never any arguments. Just late night talks and crazy ass sex. Playing dodge ball with the pussy..trying to make sure he slammed it to me...hard. Even now, I contract, smile and get a little wet at the thought of the shit we use to do... we were perfect together...for what it was....
8 months after I told him I was done...with him. I got a call at work, Buc telling me that he loved me and that he has always loved me. He wanted me for his and wanted me to move in with him. Me: "Buc, I don't want your love. Take it and give it to that chick you were with when you started fucking around with me."
I said this in the nicest voice. Let him know that I really enjoyed our time but I couldn't possibily start a committed relationship with a man that met me when he had a woman.
Me: "What makes you think that I would want a man that was cheating when I met him? Wouldn't I always have the thought that if you did it to her with me, that you'd do it to me?" Would you want a woman that you knew to be a cheater?"
He was silent on the phone....and then....
He cried.
Big ass Buc... Hard ass Buc... Street-wise Buc. That shit scared me. Rattled me like...DAMN! No, fa real scared me. this man loves me? huh? I seriously couldn't understand. I am thinking...what the fuck, wasn't this suppose to be for fun?
Buc: "Bloopty, that was different. I was in that because I felt obligated. I want YOU. Your different. You have no idea how the thought of you makes me smile, your my heart."
.........I gave him silence.
Then I said, "I have to get back to work Buc, you have a good life." Then I hung up.
Thing was....I wanted that man for mine just as much as he said, he wanted me for his. But, I also know ME...and I would never ever trust him. Conversation was good, sex was exceptional, fun-o-meter was the highest it could get....yet in the corner of my mind...he'd always be under suspicion.
That was my California Lovin'
Since I have been in New York he has called me 5 times (yes, I know how many!) One of those calls, I told him I would be back in Cal the following week...he asked to see me. I said ok...but I knew I wouldn't. I couldn't do it to myself. I'd be 3000 miles away, thinking about his dick back on the otherside of the United States...plus by this time, I had my own issues with New York dick and as y'all know...I ain't that stable and 2 conflicting dicks would have sent me over the edge....lol
He called me on Valentine's day...and as usual...I let it go to voicemail. I can't talk to him, I start to stutter and I feel like an ass because what we had 2 years ago probably has no more meaning for him...but I still think of
...what if's....
"hey sweet thang...wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day...you know who this is...and I am, over and out...love you Bloopty, bye"