Wednesday, April 26, 2006
I'm the EFFING Idiot!!
Ex-Factor
It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazyI keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to doYou let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
-Lauryn Hill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...yeeeaaa, you knew it like I know it...I'm an idiot.
As I am walking out the door last night from work (8pm), I get a call...it's a number, not a name so I don't answer it because....quiet as it's kept I've been handing my number out like it was a Katrina relief check (not a good example considering...FEMA took for fucking ever doing that and then not everyone got "theres")
Message: "Ca ll me w hn u g et th ssss mge."
huh?
Message AGAIN: "Cll m wn yu g mes sage."
Da hell?
Message again AGAIN: "Call me when you get this message"
*I shake my head*
Thinking that this man is the debbil fa real. Out to torture my being , my soul, my life, my mind!
Wasn't gonna do it...I tell ya, I wasn't gonna do it!
Bloop: Yes?
TI: Do you want me to come see you?
Bloop: Thought you were at the Yankees game....
TI: I am but it's raining...I am ready to leave. When will you be home?
Bloop: In about 45 minutes to an hour.
TI: *silence*
Bloop: *feeling pressured and like a reprimanded child* I'll call you when I get home!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He came over. For fucking what????
TI *sits down with his head in his hands*: I don't know why I am here. I didn't want to come. I don't know what I am doing with you. I don't know what I am doing to myself.
*shakes his head*
I can't get use to this. This shit is not cool...how am I suppose to act? I haven't been here before...and if I have I don't remember 'cause I feel like I can't think straight.
Now....for those of you who have seen Ja.mie Fo.xx on stage you'll understand .....................
I am over on the otherside of the small ass studio I have, in the corner just watching him.
(Ja.mie F.ox.x)
Imagine walking down the street and your not paying attention and suddenly you look up and you've walked up on a pitbull.... Your like, oh fuck! Looking around like...where can I run to if this dog goes crazy and attacks me. Yet, thinking...maybe he'll just let you pass or turn around and walk away from him. But because this dog is so Unp.redictable (fit right in huh?), you don't know if you should
1. walk away slowly
2. run
3. pretend everything is everything and continue on the road you were on..........
THAT is ZACTLY how I felt in my little studio with a man huge-r than me...talking some derrange shit...with a look of "murder-suicide" that wasn't far from the surface.Me thinking that I can assauge ANY situation...let him talk, then I calmly and sllllooooowwwwly gave him some responses that 1. were true and 2. would make him second-think the craziness.
He left in a huff unwilling to at least try my suggestion.
My suggestion?
Let's see eachother...get back into the groove of where we use to be..from there we can decide if we are going to go forward into a relationship. After all, me telling him to leave me the eff alone is OBVIOUSLY not working...so I figured I'd try a different approach.
TI: NO! I am not going to "date" you! I want to fucking live my life with you....so "seeing" you is like dating my wife. It's not possible. I can't do this.
Bloop: Ok
TI. Bye *I walk him to the door and he leaves*
FAST FORWARD 8 and a half hours....7:00am
Phone rings...
TI: If your really serious about trying to get back to where we both know we should be. Where we've been before...if we can start a new slate...I think we can do this...don't you?
Bloop: Look...*deep ass breath*...we can never "start over"....this isn't grade school with "do overs"....this is real adult fucking life. I 'm not...can't forget some of the stuff you put me through...but I can make a conscious decision to get past it and forgive. SO I am not promising you a smooth path...more like a bumpy road...more like a jungle terrain with a whole lotta dips and valleys...so if you can handle me until it does smooth out then I am putting it out there for you to decide. However, I need for you to know that your not gonna bully me and push me into a relationship like you did at the beginning....I am not agreeing to anything other than spending time with you and seeing where this can go...'cause being cornered into a relationship requires more than I can give you at this time. Balls in your court. Think about what I said 'cause I gotta go get ready for work.
TI: Ok. I'll think about it.
FAST FORWARD 3 hours later....
Phone rings....
TI: I have a camp down in Florida, we can see about spending the week in Orlando with the boys (and his daughter) OR...I sent you the stuff for Cancun...that's closer to the boys and they can just fly from Cal and you and I will fly from NY....will you look into it?
My chant from yesterday is reverberating in my head over and over as I say...Yes TI, I'll check out flights for us in June for a family vacation...............................
I soooo Fucking Suck!
*slish...what's your therapist name?
It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazyI keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to doYou let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
-Lauryn Hill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...yeeeaaa, you knew it like I know it...I'm an idiot.
As I am walking out the door last night from work (8pm), I get a call...it's a number, not a name so I don't answer it because....quiet as it's kept I've been handing my number out like it was a Katrina relief check (not a good example considering...FEMA took for fucking ever doing that and then not everyone got "theres")
Message: "Ca ll me w hn u g et th ssss mge."
huh?
Message AGAIN: "Cll m wn yu g mes sage."
Da hell?
Message again AGAIN: "Call me when you get this message"
*I shake my head*
Thinking that this man is the debbil fa real. Out to torture my being , my soul, my life, my mind!
Wasn't gonna do it...I tell ya, I wasn't gonna do it!
Bloop: Yes?
TI: Do you want me to come see you?
Bloop: Thought you were at the Yankees game....
TI: I am but it's raining...I am ready to leave. When will you be home?
Bloop: In about 45 minutes to an hour.
TI: *silence*
Bloop: *feeling pressured and like a reprimanded child* I'll call you when I get home!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He came over. For fucking what????
TI *sits down with his head in his hands*: I don't know why I am here. I didn't want to come. I don't know what I am doing with you. I don't know what I am doing to myself.
*shakes his head*
I can't get use to this. This shit is not cool...how am I suppose to act? I haven't been here before...and if I have I don't remember 'cause I feel like I can't think straight.
Now....for those of you who have seen Ja.mie Fo.xx on stage you'll understand .....................
I am over on the otherside of the small ass studio I have, in the corner just watching him.
(Ja.mie F.ox.x)
Imagine walking down the street and your not paying attention and suddenly you look up and you've walked up on a pitbull.... Your like, oh fuck! Looking around like...where can I run to if this dog goes crazy and attacks me. Yet, thinking...maybe he'll just let you pass or turn around and walk away from him. But because this dog is so Unp.redictable (fit right in huh?), you don't know if you should
1. walk away slowly
2. run
3. pretend everything is everything and continue on the road you were on..........
THAT is ZACTLY how I felt in my little studio with a man huge-r than me...talking some derrange shit...with a look of "murder-suicide" that wasn't far from the surface.Me thinking that I can assauge ANY situation...let him talk, then I calmly and sllllooooowwwwly gave him some responses that 1. were true and 2. would make him second-think the craziness.
He left in a huff unwilling to at least try my suggestion.
My suggestion?
Let's see eachother...get back into the groove of where we use to be..from there we can decide if we are going to go forward into a relationship. After all, me telling him to leave me the eff alone is OBVIOUSLY not working...so I figured I'd try a different approach.
TI: NO! I am not going to "date" you! I want to fucking live my life with you....so "seeing" you is like dating my wife. It's not possible. I can't do this.
Bloop: Ok
TI. Bye *I walk him to the door and he leaves*
FAST FORWARD 8 and a half hours....7:00am
Phone rings...
TI: If your really serious about trying to get back to where we both know we should be. Where we've been before...if we can start a new slate...I think we can do this...don't you?
Bloop: Look...*deep ass breath*...we can never "start over"....this isn't grade school with "do overs"....this is real adult fucking life. I 'm not...can't forget some of the stuff you put me through...but I can make a conscious decision to get past it and forgive. SO I am not promising you a smooth path...more like a bumpy road...more like a jungle terrain with a whole lotta dips and valleys...so if you can handle me until it does smooth out then I am putting it out there for you to decide. However, I need for you to know that your not gonna bully me and push me into a relationship like you did at the beginning....I am not agreeing to anything other than spending time with you and seeing where this can go...'cause being cornered into a relationship requires more than I can give you at this time. Balls in your court. Think about what I said 'cause I gotta go get ready for work.
TI: Ok. I'll think about it.
FAST FORWARD 3 hours later....
Phone rings....
TI: I have a camp down in Florida, we can see about spending the week in Orlando with the boys (and his daughter) OR...I sent you the stuff for Cancun...that's closer to the boys and they can just fly from Cal and you and I will fly from NY....will you look into it?
My chant from yesterday is reverberating in my head over and over as I say...Yes TI, I'll check out flights for us in June for a family vacation...............................
I soooo Fucking Suck!
*slish...what's your therapist name?
# posted by Blah Blah Blah : 3:06 PM
