Tuesday, April 25, 2006
I'm Repeating Myself
I know I'm a bitch. I'm a bitch. I'm a bitch. I'm a bitch.
I know this isn't right. It's not right. It's not right. It's not right.
I know I am a bitch. I'm a bitch. I'm a bitch. I'm a bitch.
I know this isn't right. It's not right. It's not right.
It's not right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Itch called me today...the first day since last Wednesday.
TI: What's up?
Bloop: What's up with you?
TI: Do you miss me?
Bloop: Yes.
TI: No, you don't. You just miss the money I spent on you. You miss living rent free. You miss not having a ride to drive to see your other boyfriends. I told you before, I don't do relationships. They are too painful. Look, I love you. I've missed you every day since you moved out. I am only sleeping 3 hours every night. My leg stretches out and your legs aren't there. This king size bed has never felt so big. I miss you. I think about calling you and know that it will only turn into an arguement because my emotions are fucked right now and I am angry because your not where I think you should be...next to me.
Bloop: *silence*
Silence because he obviously needs to get some shit off his chest. Silence because I've heard this before. Silence because I know longer believe it. Silence because his feelings no longer matter to me. Silence because to me...it's just blah blah blah.
TI: I think the best thing for me to do is delete all your numbers and just not contact you...and you not contact me. Bloop, you do understand don't you? I'm hurting. This isn't easy. It's going to take a long time for me to get over you...over us. It hurts.
Bloop: I care about you too. I miss you too. I understand. Do what you have to do to make your life work for you. If your looking for me to console you, to try to change your mind, to try and argue your points....I'm not. This is much easier. Don't contact me and I won't contact you. I don't want you being frustrated, I don't want you resenting me, I don't want to argue with you. Let's just let it go (like I thought we did last Wednesday).
TI: Do you understand me? Do you understand what I am saying, do you know why I am doing this?
Bloop: *didn't you just spend the last 15 minutes telling me this?*
Bloop: Yes TI. You explained yourself clearly. No need to go into it. I don't want you getting all upset. I really do care about you and I wish you the best. Be good and take care.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do care about this man. Alot alot alot.
Yet....
I'm done.
This erratic phone call lets me know that this man is psycho(not really but...)....I know it sounds like he cares...and he does...alot. Yet, you didn't hear the desperation in his voice...the rushed speech, as if he slowed down talking, he wouldn't finish. Ok, so tell me again what you called for...'cause what I got was you miss me, you feel used, you want me...yet your done....? So again...tell me why you called? FUCK!
SOO now I am all jumbled all confused. I DO care about this man...to an extent. I care more for my living situation and him being able to help that. I've never really truely believed in love and that forever shit was something I said just to make a man feel like I was in it to win it. Yet, deep inside....I was in it to get it. Thoughts of a life-long companion died long ago...with that 9 year marriage. These days?....what is the saying?....first times for love, second is for money.... Nuff said.
The part that makes me the bitch is that I AM broke and I DO need his money, his rent free arrangement and his car.
I came diss close to just saying...fuck it! We're back together and your my man and I will do all the little petty shit you wanted me to do and I will sacrifice a part of who I am to be with you AND I will give up on the belief that a true love MIGHT be possible in this life time FOR ME.
I came thiiiiiissss cloooosse to saying that! As I sit here with No bed as of yet...no FULL refrigerator of groceries....no money for the Aruba trip I wanted to take ALONE....no money to do all the little girly shit I use to do like Brazillian waxes, massages, or even just shoe shopping.
Yet, as much as I am a conniving, bitter, materialistic, silly ass broad.......... I couldn't bring myself to say "let's get back together (for the money)" Because I know he cares. When the eff did I start fucking caring where someone else's feeling were??? When did I stop looking for greener pastures? Aww damn, can I be IN love? Fuck thaaat!!!
Y'all just don't know........living with that man was like a rollercoaster. I know people say shit like that all the time...bud-da, I'm for fucking real. Mood swings, tit-4-tat, cheating, secrecy, I'mma-get-you-before-you-get-me attitude. Worst of all though was his temper. I haven't and wouldn't tell y'all what he's done to me in his anger....that would only anger some of you who have decided that I need protecting. Yet, his quick temper and him being a big ol' African....y'all know I am only 5'4 (and 3/4ths...but closer to 5'5)...I'mma itty bitty thing...with some squishy in the middle. When that man gets mad he hurts my feelings just looking at me!!
I want his money minus the man....possible? Not so much. So, I am either to settle with some basic, average, typical ass to take me on dates and fanagle some money out of or go with what I know and what I know is TI. Bills still need to be paid and it's almost summer...I need a damn vacation.
The love I have for this man is some derived version of WANT. Not need.
*yea so what if this is just babble....I am trying to figure my shit out and I'm doing it here....on my damn blog. I am thinking shit through...working some shit out and trying to see......
what the fuck just happened!
I know this isn't right. It's not right. It's not right. It's not right.
I know I am a bitch. I'm a bitch. I'm a bitch. I'm a bitch.
I know this isn't right. It's not right. It's not right.
It's not right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Itch called me today...the first day since last Wednesday.
TI: What's up?
Bloop: What's up with you?
TI: Do you miss me?
Bloop: Yes.
TI: No, you don't. You just miss the money I spent on you. You miss living rent free. You miss not having a ride to drive to see your other boyfriends. I told you before, I don't do relationships. They are too painful. Look, I love you. I've missed you every day since you moved out. I am only sleeping 3 hours every night. My leg stretches out and your legs aren't there. This king size bed has never felt so big. I miss you. I think about calling you and know that it will only turn into an arguement because my emotions are fucked right now and I am angry because your not where I think you should be...next to me.
Bloop: *silence*
Silence because he obviously needs to get some shit off his chest. Silence because I've heard this before. Silence because I know longer believe it. Silence because his feelings no longer matter to me. Silence because to me...it's just blah blah blah.
TI: I think the best thing for me to do is delete all your numbers and just not contact you...and you not contact me. Bloop, you do understand don't you? I'm hurting. This isn't easy. It's going to take a long time for me to get over you...over us. It hurts.
Bloop: I care about you too. I miss you too. I understand. Do what you have to do to make your life work for you. If your looking for me to console you, to try to change your mind, to try and argue your points....I'm not. This is much easier. Don't contact me and I won't contact you. I don't want you being frustrated, I don't want you resenting me, I don't want to argue with you. Let's just let it go (like I thought we did last Wednesday).
TI: Do you understand me? Do you understand what I am saying, do you know why I am doing this?
Bloop: *didn't you just spend the last 15 minutes telling me this?*
Bloop: Yes TI. You explained yourself clearly. No need to go into it. I don't want you getting all upset. I really do care about you and I wish you the best. Be good and take care.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do care about this man. Alot alot alot.
Yet....
I'm done.
This erratic phone call lets me know that this man is psycho(not really but...)....I know it sounds like he cares...and he does...alot. Yet, you didn't hear the desperation in his voice...the rushed speech, as if he slowed down talking, he wouldn't finish. Ok, so tell me again what you called for...'cause what I got was you miss me, you feel used, you want me...yet your done....? So again...tell me why you called? FUCK!
SOO now I am all jumbled all confused. I DO care about this man...to an extent. I care more for my living situation and him being able to help that. I've never really truely believed in love and that forever shit was something I said just to make a man feel like I was in it to win it. Yet, deep inside....I was in it to get it. Thoughts of a life-long companion died long ago...with that 9 year marriage. These days?....what is the saying?....first times for love, second is for money.... Nuff said.
The part that makes me the bitch is that I AM broke and I DO need his money, his rent free arrangement and his car.
I came diss close to just saying...fuck it! We're back together and your my man and I will do all the little petty shit you wanted me to do and I will sacrifice a part of who I am to be with you AND I will give up on the belief that a true love MIGHT be possible in this life time FOR ME.
I came thiiiiiissss cloooosse to saying that! As I sit here with No bed as of yet...no FULL refrigerator of groceries....no money for the Aruba trip I wanted to take ALONE....no money to do all the little girly shit I use to do like Brazillian waxes, massages, or even just shoe shopping.
Yet, as much as I am a conniving, bitter, materialistic, silly ass broad.......... I couldn't bring myself to say "let's get back together (for the money)" Because I know he cares. When the eff did I start fucking caring where someone else's feeling were??? When did I stop looking for greener pastures? Aww damn, can I be IN love? Fuck thaaat!!!
Y'all just don't know........living with that man was like a rollercoaster. I know people say shit like that all the time...bud-da, I'm for fucking real. Mood swings, tit-4-tat, cheating, secrecy, I'mma-get-you-before-you-get-me attitude. Worst of all though was his temper. I haven't and wouldn't tell y'all what he's done to me in his anger....that would only anger some of you who have decided that I need protecting. Yet, his quick temper and him being a big ol' African....y'all know I am only 5'4 (and 3/4ths...but closer to 5'5)...I'mma itty bitty thing...with some squishy in the middle. When that man gets mad he hurts my feelings just looking at me!!
I want his money minus the man....possible? Not so much. So, I am either to settle with some basic, average, typical ass to take me on dates and fanagle some money out of or go with what I know and what I know is TI. Bills still need to be paid and it's almost summer...I need a damn vacation.
The love I have for this man is some derived version of WANT. Not need.
*yea so what if this is just babble....I am trying to figure my shit out and I'm doing it here....on my damn blog. I am thinking shit through...working some shit out and trying to see......
what the fuck just happened!
# posted by Blah Blah Blah : 2:56 PM
