Saturday, June 3, 2006
Bored
Mood: Stayed
Song: Back in the Day by Ahmad
Movie: The Wood
..."back in the day...I sit and reminesce"...
Why am I looking around for a drink at 11:50 AM? Not that I need one but I feel like a real visitor today. Why? 'Cause my man-man is out of town and I am honestly trying to be good whilest he is gonest. Last night and today I set up "dates"...not really dates but yes, dates. I cancelled on both of them at the 11th hour. I am trying to be good...honest. Hence the need for a drink. I feel like I did when I first got to NYC...alone.
Although, back then I had my trusty friend cj to run wild with...nothing but errands and trying to keep ourselves busy.
She and I had a falling out over bullshit.
I've never spoke about it but I think Iwill now since I have now spoken her name for the first time...I am pretty sure she's not gonna come across this....so be vewwy vewwy quiet...shhhhhh
cj and I were road-dogs. We occupied eachothers time and space...not because their was no one else for the two of us...but because we...lived close to eachother? Hmmm...I mean, we did like similar things but honestly...we weren't similar at all. There has to be more than that to our friendship. We spoke about alot of things, we did alot of things together, we were social...and that fit for us. Odd how so little can be so much. We constantly irritated eachother but...that's what happens...we are woman after all. I don't hold grudges so we usually passed over our differences in time. I gave her her space...so that she had time to either get over her irritation or come to the realization that...it wasn't really that big of a deal to begin with.
She of course had a bigger circle of friends that I, after all...she's lived here forever (8 years I believe)..and I had just gotten here...yet, she brought me into her haven of friends and invited me out to functions...was nice. Looking back on it...and even when we were friends, I always wondered why she hung out with me. I think that my personality isn't all that condusive to female friendships...yet, we got along. Mainly because our interest in men were at complete opposites. That is usually the bain of most female relationships...so in a sense, we were safe in that area.
In the time that we have not been friends..I have wondered about our friendship...it's divorce ...and was there something that I wasn't seeing back then.
Last November cj and I went to a party and the evening and early morning of said evening was the demise of our friendship.
I have to interject smethings in my observation of cj...because it explains why cj acted the way she did...however, it doesn't explain the continued act.
cj was raised to keep her damn mouth shut. To not voice her opinions, her concerns, her wants and wishes. She was apart of a big family, that paid next to no attention to her. Pushing her to excel and be successful, yet not allowing her to have a voice, which in my opinion...stunted her growth in communication. I was raised to speak my mind (not in an arguementative way but in a way that lets you know I have an opinion, a mind, a thought about a stituation), it's because of our different up-bringings that we have had moments of silence and days of not speaking..............yet, we generally got past that and continued on with our friendship...
until
We were driving home from the evening out with friends...I had drank too much, I was honery, it was close to 5 in the morning, and I had a question about something...and I voiced it.
Now, I know when cj goes into herself and quickly builds this wall...and stays in there until the "problem" goes away. I've seen her do this a hundred times. She hates any type of confrontation and any confrontation that requires her to speak up is next to impossible.
She stops talking.
I've always hated that.
Always looked at it as being a coward and childish. YET, I knew the reason and tended to look past it and not let it effect me to the point that I would scream at her for being a punk! I figured that at 30 she wasn't going to change and I am sure for her...it was acceptable.
So, on the ride home...I asked cj 2 questions about something that I saw during the evening. I wanted to know her intent...also, I wanted to know how she would have felt had I allowed the same thing in a similar situation.
cj, good ol' cj...she stayed true to form.
I got nothing but silence.
I have not spoke to cj since that early morning ride.
The thing about it is that I have never been mad at cj for her reaction to someone elses actions... that made me ask to begin with.
I knew she'd grow silent...yet, at the same time...I felt that at some point she would say something.
I understood the situation of the evening. I understood the person (s) involved. I understood the feeling behind it. None of that was an issue.
For me, what ended our friendship was her inability to say something
Anything...
like...
"Bloop, fuck you! You have this one and that one...this one doesn't even matter to you (she knew that to be able to say that)...I went with the feeling, thought nothing of it, and if you think it was out of line...I apologize for you feeling that way. Yet, what you two have is nothing and what happen on my part was nothing, and you can take it or leave it, 'cause that's all I have to say."
Of course it's silly of me to think that she could ever say anything remotely close to this...but she could have said this...in her way...all nice and whatnot as she tended to always do. Any other number of comments could have ben made.
Lay me on my ass with kindness.
I got nothing....
We lost our friendship to silence that early November morning.
In saying that...
Today I feel brand new to NYC...my man man is gone, I am trying not to really cheat, to try not to call someone just to spend a boring day with...I am looking for familiarity with someone that has similar interest that I could go and explore the Asian Festival at the South Street Seaport with...a female friend. I have female friends...none that I am close to...as I was with cj. We could walk, sit, explore without having to talk the whole time...we had a comfortable silence. Her thinking of whatever the fuck went through her mind...and me probably thinking about a guy...or money...or food...LOL
Sometimes...like on days like today...I miss her friendship. Then I re-think about it and question whether or not there was friendship there to begin with or maybe....I was just someone for her to spend a boring day with and nothing more.
I am off to explore the festival by myself.
Song: Back in the Day by Ahmad
Movie: The Wood
..."back in the day...I sit and reminesce"...
Why am I looking around for a drink at 11:50 AM? Not that I need one but I feel like a real visitor today. Why? 'Cause my man-man is out of town and I am honestly trying to be good whilest he is gonest. Last night and today I set up "dates"...not really dates but yes, dates. I cancelled on both of them at the 11th hour. I am trying to be good...honest. Hence the need for a drink. I feel like I did when I first got to NYC...alone.
Although, back then I had my trusty friend cj to run wild with...nothing but errands and trying to keep ourselves busy.
She and I had a falling out over bullshit.
I've never spoke about it but I think Iwill now since I have now spoken her name for the first time...I am pretty sure she's not gonna come across this....so be vewwy vewwy quiet...shhhhhh
cj and I were road-dogs. We occupied eachothers time and space...not because their was no one else for the two of us...but because we...lived close to eachother? Hmmm...I mean, we did like similar things but honestly...we weren't similar at all. There has to be more than that to our friendship. We spoke about alot of things, we did alot of things together, we were social...and that fit for us. Odd how so little can be so much. We constantly irritated eachother but...that's what happens...we are woman after all. I don't hold grudges so we usually passed over our differences in time. I gave her her space...so that she had time to either get over her irritation or come to the realization that...it wasn't really that big of a deal to begin with.
She of course had a bigger circle of friends that I, after all...she's lived here forever (8 years I believe)..and I had just gotten here...yet, she brought me into her haven of friends and invited me out to functions...was nice. Looking back on it...and even when we were friends, I always wondered why she hung out with me. I think that my personality isn't all that condusive to female friendships...yet, we got along. Mainly because our interest in men were at complete opposites. That is usually the bain of most female relationships...so in a sense, we were safe in that area.
In the time that we have not been friends..I have wondered about our friendship...it's divorce ...and was there something that I wasn't seeing back then.
Last November cj and I went to a party and the evening and early morning of said evening was the demise of our friendship.
I have to interject smethings in my observation of cj...because it explains why cj acted the way she did...however, it doesn't explain the continued act.
cj was raised to keep her damn mouth shut. To not voice her opinions, her concerns, her wants and wishes. She was apart of a big family, that paid next to no attention to her. Pushing her to excel and be successful, yet not allowing her to have a voice, which in my opinion...stunted her growth in communication. I was raised to speak my mind (not in an arguementative way but in a way that lets you know I have an opinion, a mind, a thought about a stituation), it's because of our different up-bringings that we have had moments of silence and days of not speaking..............yet, we generally got past that and continued on with our friendship...
until
We were driving home from the evening out with friends...I had drank too much, I was honery, it was close to 5 in the morning, and I had a question about something...and I voiced it.
Now, I know when cj goes into herself and quickly builds this wall...and stays in there until the "problem" goes away. I've seen her do this a hundred times. She hates any type of confrontation and any confrontation that requires her to speak up is next to impossible.
She stops talking.
I've always hated that.
Always looked at it as being a coward and childish. YET, I knew the reason and tended to look past it and not let it effect me to the point that I would scream at her for being a punk! I figured that at 30 she wasn't going to change and I am sure for her...it was acceptable.
So, on the ride home...I asked cj 2 questions about something that I saw during the evening. I wanted to know her intent...also, I wanted to know how she would have felt had I allowed the same thing in a similar situation.
cj, good ol' cj...she stayed true to form.
I got nothing but silence.
I have not spoke to cj since that early morning ride.
The thing about it is that I have never been mad at cj for her reaction to someone elses actions... that made me ask to begin with.
I knew she'd grow silent...yet, at the same time...I felt that at some point she would say something.
I understood the situation of the evening. I understood the person (s) involved. I understood the feeling behind it. None of that was an issue.
For me, what ended our friendship was her inability to say something
Anything...
like...
"Bloop, fuck you! You have this one and that one...this one doesn't even matter to you (she knew that to be able to say that)...I went with the feeling, thought nothing of it, and if you think it was out of line...I apologize for you feeling that way. Yet, what you two have is nothing and what happen on my part was nothing, and you can take it or leave it, 'cause that's all I have to say."
Of course it's silly of me to think that she could ever say anything remotely close to this...but she could have said this...in her way...all nice and whatnot as she tended to always do. Any other number of comments could have ben made.
Lay me on my ass with kindness.
I got nothing....
We lost our friendship to silence that early November morning.
In saying that...
Today I feel brand new to NYC...my man man is gone, I am trying not to really cheat, to try not to call someone just to spend a boring day with...I am looking for familiarity with someone that has similar interest that I could go and explore the Asian Festival at the South Street Seaport with...a female friend. I have female friends...none that I am close to...as I was with cj. We could walk, sit, explore without having to talk the whole time...we had a comfortable silence. Her thinking of whatever the fuck went through her mind...and me probably thinking about a guy...or money...or food...LOL
Sometimes...like on days like today...I miss her friendship. Then I re-think about it and question whether or not there was friendship there to begin with or maybe....I was just someone for her to spend a boring day with and nothing more.
I am off to explore the festival by myself.
# posted by Blah Blah Blah : 1:26 PM
