Monday, June 19, 2006
How Would You Feel?
Some shit that I wanted to get off my chest...no need for comment.
As y'all know...I've been dealing with this man. I want to leave this man. As easy as it is for me to say that...I just can't bring myself to do it. I use to think it was because I cared soo much for him...then it was because of his money...but now I am starting to think that I have a serious mental problem. I can count on 2 hands how many times that man has broke up with me and then wanted me back 24 hours later. With that said...he broke up with me yesterday. Thing about it...I was gonna break up with him as soon as the boys went back to California. He jump the fucking gun on me. BUT I am the one that made it go down....and I knew what the fuck I was doing...but he wasn't suppose to fucking break up with me...DAMN! Now mind you...I ain't argueing none of dudes point...and I even clearly state "I am not trying to change your mind", "if this is how you feel...I don't want to change your mind". 45 minutes later he says, "Bloop, how can we make this work?"
SO once he says that...I know we are back together in his pea brain. So now I am gonna have to break up with him. You don't get it?
My pride was bruised, so I convinced him that he loves me...'cause he does. Even though I don't want him...seriously seriously. I can't have men thinking they can break up with me....I'm the mack yo! Do you know the damage that can do to my ego...my self esteeem? The years of therapy? Fuck that! Your not fucking breaking up with me...so here it is...Monday afternoon and I am stressed...back to throwing up like I did when I was living with him....and I am thinking of how and when I am going to tell him that I can't do this anymore....I fucking tired of being fucking tired of this relationship.
Sidenote: Not that this is anyones business and not that I probably should be telling you all this information...but every July I get a check for around $1500 from my tribe...which essentially comes from the goverment in reparations for our land being taken from us and my people be slaughtered. NOT for the menial shit or degrading things or god forsaken things such as slavery but killed and rob for being "savages". Europeans coming here from across the ocean and "discovering" this land and the people on it and then deciding they wanted what these "animals" had and felt it their right to kill and steal and destroy (sounds mighty similar to what the bible describes as satan)... this has always been the way of the white man. Case in point...your presidents war in Iraq.
EITHER WAY....this check usually is my biggest check with the exception of Christmas, granted I get a monthly "allotment" check for the rest of my life. Yet, Christmas and the 4th happen to be holidays that the goverment think they need to be most kind on. The 4th being the day "we" celebrate "our" independence and Christmas being the time of the year that they can show their "christian" love by bestowing upon us a higher amount.
Today my check came on Juneteenth...the day that blacks are suppose to celebrate our "freedom"................ Do you all comprehend the turmoil. No? The half of me that has been slowly killed off....whole tribes have been obliterated...is getting money for lands that were stolen from us as a token of "we're sorry's" BUT recieving my chceck on a day that signifies the other half of me that has yet to be payed for the time, energy, blood, destruction of families, life of having to build said land......how do I feel? In turmoil.
Thing about it...is that I knew this check was coming and I made plans.... happy to be getting it...and even happier that instead of the customary $1500...it's $2000. Yea....there is turmoil. But then again...
this is
my
life.
As y'all know...I've been dealing with this man. I want to leave this man. As easy as it is for me to say that...I just can't bring myself to do it. I use to think it was because I cared soo much for him...then it was because of his money...but now I am starting to think that I have a serious mental problem. I can count on 2 hands how many times that man has broke up with me and then wanted me back 24 hours later. With that said...he broke up with me yesterday. Thing about it...I was gonna break up with him as soon as the boys went back to California. He jump the fucking gun on me. BUT I am the one that made it go down....and I knew what the fuck I was doing...but he wasn't suppose to fucking break up with me...DAMN! Now mind you...I ain't argueing none of dudes point...and I even clearly state "I am not trying to change your mind", "if this is how you feel...I don't want to change your mind". 45 minutes later he says, "Bloop, how can we make this work?"
SO once he says that...I know we are back together in his pea brain. So now I am gonna have to break up with him. You don't get it?
My pride was bruised, so I convinced him that he loves me...'cause he does. Even though I don't want him...seriously seriously. I can't have men thinking they can break up with me....I'm the mack yo! Do you know the damage that can do to my ego...my self esteeem? The years of therapy? Fuck that! Your not fucking breaking up with me...so here it is...Monday afternoon and I am stressed...back to throwing up like I did when I was living with him....and I am thinking of how and when I am going to tell him that I can't do this anymore....I fucking tired of being fucking tired of this relationship.
Sidenote: Not that this is anyones business and not that I probably should be telling you all this information...but every July I get a check for around $1500 from my tribe...which essentially comes from the goverment in reparations for our land being taken from us and my people be slaughtered. NOT for the menial shit or degrading things or god forsaken things such as slavery but killed and rob for being "savages". Europeans coming here from across the ocean and "discovering" this land and the people on it and then deciding they wanted what these "animals" had and felt it their right to kill and steal and destroy (sounds mighty similar to what the bible describes as satan)... this has always been the way of the white man. Case in point...your presidents war in Iraq.
EITHER WAY....this check usually is my biggest check with the exception of Christmas, granted I get a monthly "allotment" check for the rest of my life. Yet, Christmas and the 4th happen to be holidays that the goverment think they need to be most kind on. The 4th being the day "we" celebrate "our" independence and Christmas being the time of the year that they can show their "christian" love by bestowing upon us a higher amount.
Today my check came on Juneteenth...the day that blacks are suppose to celebrate our "freedom"................ Do you all comprehend the turmoil. No? The half of me that has been slowly killed off....whole tribes have been obliterated...is getting money for lands that were stolen from us as a token of "we're sorry's" BUT recieving my chceck on a day that signifies the other half of me that has yet to be payed for the time, energy, blood, destruction of families, life of having to build said land......how do I feel? In turmoil.
Thing about it...is that I knew this check was coming and I made plans.... happy to be getting it...and even happier that instead of the customary $1500...it's $2000. Yea....there is turmoil. But then again...
this is
my
life.
# posted by Blah Blah Blah : 1:55 PM
