Thursday, June 1, 2006
My Past...
There IS Light @ the End of the Tunnel
AS USUAL...I have to add a disclaimer...THESE ARE MY RANDOM THOUGHTS...THINGS THAT I HAVE THOUGHT THROUGH AND MAYBE I HAVEN'T CONVEYED THEM IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY....but this is MY damn blog and I will not apologize for something that you do not understand.
I have always been rather social. Been called a social butterfly and all. People look at me and think that I am really extroverted...but when it comes down to it...I AM extremely shy. I know that I boast of this over-whelming self confidence...lol... it's really not in me.
So in saying that....
Alcoholism runs in my family. I haven't told anyone that before. Never spoke it out loud. The scary thing about it is that it runs on both sides of my family. Let me tell you that I drink.
Alot? Not sure...depends by who's standard.
Yet, I know that I drink to excess sometimes.
Someone said something to me this morning about drinking and about the choices that people make. It wasn't about me but it got me to thinking that
I drink to excess...sometimes.
I drink for varied reasons but I saw a pattern in the past couple of years:
~ I drank when I was with The Hoodie. Can count on that like clockwork. Is it because he usually has a drink whenever I am with him?...not sure but I know that I tend to jump on the wagon when he has been around. I am not a psychologist but I have thought about this over and over and I have come up with a couple of reasons for this.
1) we were always on rocky, shaky ground and I am predisposed* to be a happy drunk...not only happy but horny. Seems like we were able to get along better when we were both drinking.
2) on occassion I have drank because emotionally..in order for me to be able to be around him I had to have a drink. I have been emotionally scarred by him and I knew that I would not have been good company had I not had that quick shot of whatever. Having a glass of something before he picked me up. Trying to disguise it with mouthwash...but him being somewhat of a functional alcoholic...he tends to smell that shit out....like a bloodhound.
3) during our really bad time...it took me being tipsy to have sex with him. I don't know about all women but I gravitate to associating sex with emotions, how I am feeling and what I am feeling for that person. In saying that....I have wanted to have sex but looked at him in silence and was so turned off by his actions that it has made it hard for me to feel anything for him but anger. Alcohol would loosen me up and I could get into the act and walk away satisfied. I know your wondering why the fuck I couldn't do that to begin with...don't know....me being the woman I am...I. Really. Don't. Know. Your probably also wondering why even have sex with him.......that's another post.
*Not saying that I was always pleasant when I was drunk but I have found out that neither one of us can drink Soju (Korean alcohol)...got violent after me: half a bottle him: a bottle and a half. I also know that if I drink tequila I'm mean as hell and I know that I talk more shit than my little ass can back up...without a gun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other reasons why I drink are to bring my over active mind to a slow down....to take all the shit that I stress on, on a daily basis and put it on a back-burner even if it's for an hour or so. I drink because I AM shy and I need something to hype me up to talk to strangers....at functions, events...dates. I drink because I sometimes feel like saying Fuck It to the world...let me break free from this thing called life and let me wallow in this euphoric state of being ...just me. Space and time suspended to the level I need to live this life.
Yes, I know....
I drink to excess sometimes.
As I sit here and re-read this shit...I shake my head because I DO need a drink, for no other reason than I sometimes am not strong enough...not as strong as some might think...and I need to escape. AND Yes I know, nothing is that hard or that strong to make anyone do it...and I tell you....it's not about it being hard or it being strong...it's about a need sometimes....like my sweet tooth needing a pastry, that itch needing to be scratched, the need for love.... sometimes I need to have that shot to take the edge OFF OF the need for a drink! Huh? Yea, I know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found something to replace that need. In the process...that which took the need away...had become my NEW need. Someone made me feel comfortable being me. It finally seemed like I was suppose to be me...no misconceptions of what I THOUGHT I was suppose to be or who I was suppose to be to anyone....but about being who I AM. Or so I thought. Yes, I can say I am weak...even admit to that shit to your face..WITH a straight face. I know it...no need for empty encouragement...no need for false re-inforcement....I know me better than anyone could...would...or will. Growing up alone gives you so much time to self anaylize...know my faults to a T....know what I can and cannot bullshit my way through. I can also admit, I had/have become dependant on a person who I can't depend on to be there....
and once again...
I am back to
drinking in excess...somtimes.
*a recycled post from the old blog
AS USUAL...I have to add a disclaimer...THESE ARE MY RANDOM THOUGHTS...THINGS THAT I HAVE THOUGHT THROUGH AND MAYBE I HAVEN'T CONVEYED THEM IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY....but this is MY damn blog and I will not apologize for something that you do not understand.
I have always been rather social. Been called a social butterfly and all. People look at me and think that I am really extroverted...but when it comes down to it...I AM extremely shy. I know that I boast of this over-whelming self confidence...lol... it's really not in me.
So in saying that....
Alcoholism runs in my family. I haven't told anyone that before. Never spoke it out loud. The scary thing about it is that it runs on both sides of my family. Let me tell you that I drink.
Alot? Not sure...depends by who's standard.
Yet, I know that I drink to excess sometimes.
Someone said something to me this morning about drinking and about the choices that people make. It wasn't about me but it got me to thinking that
I drink to excess...sometimes.
I drink for varied reasons but I saw a pattern in the past couple of years:
~ I drank when I was with The Hoodie. Can count on that like clockwork. Is it because he usually has a drink whenever I am with him?...not sure but I know that I tend to jump on the wagon when he has been around. I am not a psychologist but I have thought about this over and over and I have come up with a couple of reasons for this.
1) we were always on rocky, shaky ground and I am predisposed* to be a happy drunk...not only happy but horny. Seems like we were able to get along better when we were both drinking.
2) on occassion I have drank because emotionally..in order for me to be able to be around him I had to have a drink. I have been emotionally scarred by him and I knew that I would not have been good company had I not had that quick shot of whatever. Having a glass of something before he picked me up. Trying to disguise it with mouthwash...but him being somewhat of a functional alcoholic...he tends to smell that shit out....like a bloodhound.
3) during our really bad time...it took me being tipsy to have sex with him. I don't know about all women but I gravitate to associating sex with emotions, how I am feeling and what I am feeling for that person. In saying that....I have wanted to have sex but looked at him in silence and was so turned off by his actions that it has made it hard for me to feel anything for him but anger. Alcohol would loosen me up and I could get into the act and walk away satisfied. I know your wondering why the fuck I couldn't do that to begin with...don't know....me being the woman I am...I. Really. Don't. Know. Your probably also wondering why even have sex with him.......that's another post.
*Not saying that I was always pleasant when I was drunk but I have found out that neither one of us can drink Soju (Korean alcohol)...got violent after me: half a bottle him: a bottle and a half. I also know that if I drink tequila I'm mean as hell and I know that I talk more shit than my little ass can back up...without a gun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other reasons why I drink are to bring my over active mind to a slow down....to take all the shit that I stress on, on a daily basis and put it on a back-burner even if it's for an hour or so. I drink because I AM shy and I need something to hype me up to talk to strangers....at functions, events...dates. I drink because I sometimes feel like saying Fuck It to the world...let me break free from this thing called life and let me wallow in this euphoric state of being ...just me. Space and time suspended to the level I need to live this life.
Yes, I know....
I drink to excess sometimes.
As I sit here and re-read this shit...I shake my head because I DO need a drink, for no other reason than I sometimes am not strong enough...not as strong as some might think...and I need to escape. AND Yes I know, nothing is that hard or that strong to make anyone do it...and I tell you....it's not about it being hard or it being strong...it's about a need sometimes....like my sweet tooth needing a pastry, that itch needing to be scratched, the need for love.... sometimes I need to have that shot to take the edge OFF OF the need for a drink! Huh? Yea, I know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found something to replace that need. In the process...that which took the need away...had become my NEW need. Someone made me feel comfortable being me. It finally seemed like I was suppose to be me...no misconceptions of what I THOUGHT I was suppose to be or who I was suppose to be to anyone....but about being who I AM. Or so I thought. Yes, I can say I am weak...even admit to that shit to your face..WITH a straight face. I know it...no need for empty encouragement...no need for false re-inforcement....I know me better than anyone could...would...or will. Growing up alone gives you so much time to self anaylize...know my faults to a T....know what I can and cannot bullshit my way through. I can also admit, I had/have become dependant on a person who I can't depend on to be there....
and once again...
I am back to
drinking in excess...somtimes.
*a recycled post from the old blog
# posted by Blah Blah Blah : 1:18 PM
