Thursday, September 28, 2006
....and you say what???
How many of us thnk that we are above the average person?
Male or female.
Thinking because of your degree, net worth, affiliation, book smarts, street smarts, looks or anything else that people feel they need to declare themselves as, has or being above the norm or better than or all knowing.
SIDENOTE: So that I can start off on the worst possible foot there is... let me say that I don't have the type of degree to be throwing around, as so many people like to do to make sure that ..."guess what...yea, back in GRAD school..blah blah blah" (why do ppl say that? that's pretentious as hell because all you need to do is tell me the fucken story). I don't have the type of net worth that has banks trying to knock down my door, handing me money hand over fist. I am not apart of any affliliation (I am but I am SO not active). I am not book smart because I can't retain information long enough for it to matter. I am not street smart because I was raised semi upper-class in the "good" part of town, I didn't get in the streets, I just knew people from the streets. And as for my looks...well, I never took advantage of them until I left my husband and they are fading, so at this point...I can't use that as my coup de grace in need to establish myself.
...I say all this to say...
Are any of us original? Has any one of the women reading ever found someone that was truly original? Through word or deed? I realize that my ratio is totally diff than most of y'all...so maybe it's just more pronounced. I am not the brightest star in the universe or the sharpest tool in the toolshed...but...
I haven't. I am telling you that I know what comes next. I can see where that may seem pretty cocky of me and makes it seem as if I am all knowing. I am not. As y'all know. Yet, I can not for the life of me think of a single person that has stood out as uniquely original. I have dated so many men. I know I say that...but y'all have no idea what I mean by "so many". I am speaking hundreds in a 6 year period. Date after date, man after man, face after face... I am not ashamed to say that dating has been my profession basically. Part-time with full-time results. I have met men from all types of backgrounds...and yet, I can pretty much tell you without a doubt...how a situation is going to go down. For the most part, I can say it's because I am the woman and that's the reason things go down the way they do because women usually are the ones giving the red light. Yet, for me...it's as Invictus states..."I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." I know where to place my 'shit" to get the results I want...or need.
I once had a boyfriend who told me (in a cold unfeeling tone) that I am the most calculating person he has ever met. At the time I wanted to (and did) disagree but as the words were coming out of my mouth... I knew he was right. As I have stated before... I know my faults. Calculating the best results for me...is what I do.
I knew this day would come...just as I know there will be many more from others.
I thought, if I could just bring it to the point I wanted... I could make it work for me. After all, I have been here before. Fucked around and acted to slow on some shit I should have eliminated. Should have let go and let loose. So...here it is almost a year and within that time... 4 people have told me they love me. I think this will be the last one for the year... I hope it is the last one because having the "I'm not where you are..." conversation sucks.
I know that the love they have for me is so much more prounounced than the reality. I am "good" in their eyes at the time of their declaration. I can protest and try to convince them otherwise...but that beginning part of love that has people stupidly saying the "LOVE" word and acting even more than thinking...well... that's where he is right now...
He hasn't said anything to me any different than what I have heard countless times. No new moves...no surprises outta his back pocket... he's not cuter or smarter, neither is he more clever with a witty mind... he is just who he is and I am who I am. I haven't re-invented myself in any way... I am have been the same person with each one of them...nothing to "make" them fall in love...or THINK thye are in love...just been me... and now...we might be an us.
Because I failed to "pull out" before his love was produced.
Male or female.
Thinking because of your degree, net worth, affiliation, book smarts, street smarts, looks or anything else that people feel they need to declare themselves as, has or being above the norm or better than or all knowing.
SIDENOTE: So that I can start off on the worst possible foot there is... let me say that I don't have the type of degree to be throwing around, as so many people like to do to make sure that ..."guess what...yea, back in GRAD school..blah blah blah" (why do ppl say that? that's pretentious as hell because all you need to do is tell me the fucken story). I don't have the type of net worth that has banks trying to knock down my door, handing me money hand over fist. I am not apart of any affliliation (I am but I am SO not active). I am not book smart because I can't retain information long enough for it to matter. I am not street smart because I was raised semi upper-class in the "good" part of town, I didn't get in the streets, I just knew people from the streets. And as for my looks...well, I never took advantage of them until I left my husband and they are fading, so at this point...I can't use that as my coup de grace in need to establish myself.
...I say all this to say...
Are any of us original? Has any one of the women reading ever found someone that was truly original? Through word or deed? I realize that my ratio is totally diff than most of y'all...so maybe it's just more pronounced. I am not the brightest star in the universe or the sharpest tool in the toolshed...but...
I haven't. I am telling you that I know what comes next. I can see where that may seem pretty cocky of me and makes it seem as if I am all knowing. I am not. As y'all know. Yet, I can not for the life of me think of a single person that has stood out as uniquely original. I have dated so many men. I know I say that...but y'all have no idea what I mean by "so many". I am speaking hundreds in a 6 year period. Date after date, man after man, face after face... I am not ashamed to say that dating has been my profession basically. Part-time with full-time results. I have met men from all types of backgrounds...and yet, I can pretty much tell you without a doubt...how a situation is going to go down. For the most part, I can say it's because I am the woman and that's the reason things go down the way they do because women usually are the ones giving the red light. Yet, for me...it's as Invictus states..."I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." I know where to place my 'shit" to get the results I want...or need.
I once had a boyfriend who told me (in a cold unfeeling tone) that I am the most calculating person he has ever met. At the time I wanted to (and did) disagree but as the words were coming out of my mouth... I knew he was right. As I have stated before... I know my faults. Calculating the best results for me...is what I do.
I knew this day would come...just as I know there will be many more from others.
I thought, if I could just bring it to the point I wanted... I could make it work for me. After all, I have been here before. Fucked around and acted to slow on some shit I should have eliminated. Should have let go and let loose. So...here it is almost a year and within that time... 4 people have told me they love me. I think this will be the last one for the year... I hope it is the last one because having the "I'm not where you are..." conversation sucks.
I know that the love they have for me is so much more prounounced than the reality. I am "good" in their eyes at the time of their declaration. I can protest and try to convince them otherwise...but that beginning part of love that has people stupidly saying the "LOVE" word and acting even more than thinking...well... that's where he is right now...
He hasn't said anything to me any different than what I have heard countless times. No new moves...no surprises outta his back pocket... he's not cuter or smarter, neither is he more clever with a witty mind... he is just who he is and I am who I am. I haven't re-invented myself in any way... I am have been the same person with each one of them...nothing to "make" them fall in love...or THINK thye are in love...just been me... and now...we might be an us.
Because I failed to "pull out" before his love was produced.
# posted by Blah Blah Blah : 4:57 PM
