Friday, September 29, 2006
...I Am Not An Angry
...bitch.
at least I don't think I am.
Maybe I am and just don't know it.... hmmmmm
Either way I have been feeling a little irritable lately. About everything. To the point of knowing that I am irritated AND being irritating....but I can't seem to stop myself. Apologizing every 5 minutes because of something I said or how I said it. I am honestly and sincerely asking you to forgive me ... honestly. I know it seems redundant... and after a while a little irrelevant...because I continue to be this ass...
again...
sorry...
honest.
When I got back from California... I came into work and sat at my desk...just sat there... thinking... what the fuck??...a few minutes later I got a phone call... I suppose my earlier thought was a premonition...
It was
The Itch.
You see, with me... it's out of sight out of mind. I have too many other things in my life... well, other people in my life... to worry, think, wonder about what's going on with an old... love. So even though The Itch could have been my husband/future/life (and still might be...a discussion for another day)... I had removed him from my thoughts.
As soon as I heard his voice... that crease showed up.
What crease?
The crease between my eyes when I am disgusted.
"Mom would like you to give her a call." ::that's YOUR momma...::
"What are you doing for the holidays?" ::WHY?::
"I miss you." ::ugh! as I rolled my eyes::
"I really miss you." ::I start to tune him out::
"Do you need anything?" ::not from you::
"You don't want to talk to me, do you?" ::for what?::
"Do you miss me?" ::I gotta get back to work *click*::
Now, I have Yahmony telling me that I don't need to worry about anything. What he has become (or has always been)...is desperate. Like I always say... I am some kind of wonderful... but I am not outstanding... LOL I have become this man's weakness (for now)...do I take advantage of it? Since, after all, that's what I planned on doing before I even met him? That's my plan whenever I meet a man. My thoughts.... How does spending time with you...benefit me? That's my standard question to myself when I meet a man.
I know your getting alot from me this week...alot of who Bloopty is. A pretty picture but not all that pretty when it comes to content... oh well. I know my flaws... I suppose I feel ok with you knowing them. After all, I am not the type of personality that too much cares what other people think, it's a selfish trait. I was wondering if I have always been this way. I say yes. It's my daddy's "fault". Even though in my eyes (as his daughter)...he has no faults...but as a woman...he has many.
SO let's explore my current (lack of) character/integrity...I was brought up by my daddy and my 4 uncles. Only child... only girl in a house full of men. Too say I was spoiled is an understatement. The stories told as I played... thinking that I wasn't listening. The things I've seen as I peeked through keyholes. The little bits of wisdom they imparted on me about men... what to look for, what to accept, what to walk away from.... I am who I am... because of them... for good or for bad.
I moved out of my daddy's house in with my husband... he reminded me so much of my daddy...that I caught myself many times before "dad" would come from my lips. That man had me on a pedestal. Kept me there while he went out and did his fucking with other woman. He didn't want me doing certain things...because he thought I was to "good" to do it. I had a 5 bedroom house... 2 car garage... 2 beautiful boys... swimming pool... I didn't have to work. I cooked and cleaned but he brought in a cleaning lady. So... my days were spent with dropping the kids off at work... coming back home and swimming laps... helping out in the boys class room... boyscouts and sports with the boys. My life in one word: Pampered.
From my husbands house...I moved back to my daddy's house.
Every man from May 2000 that I have been involved with... has taken care of me. Bills paid. Cars. Trips. Money set aside for the boys.
I don't know if my personality has searched these men out... uncounsciously... or conscioulsy. But it's always been that way. It has now become my expectation. Thing about it.......I am getting to old for this shit.
Maybe I have the sort of personality that makes people want to take care of me. After all, I have had quite a few people tell me that they feel the need to do just that. My last year in California... a man bought me a 2004 Lexus. Why? I don't know. But I took it... Why? Because he wanted me to. Within the first 4 months of knowing The Itch... he had spent a good $10,000 on me. Why? I don't know. But I let him... Why? Because he wanted to.
I am approaching my 37th year...rapidly. I have no real skills... looks are fading... temperment is changing... and I am realizing... like the woman who has been married for 25 years and faces a divorce...
wondering, what do I do now?
How will I survive in the years to come?
Who will I lean on?
Depend on?
I have to depend on myself... I suppose.
at least I don't think I am.
Maybe I am and just don't know it.... hmmmmm
Either way I have been feeling a little irritable lately. About everything. To the point of knowing that I am irritated AND being irritating....but I can't seem to stop myself. Apologizing every 5 minutes because of something I said or how I said it. I am honestly and sincerely asking you to forgive me ... honestly. I know it seems redundant... and after a while a little irrelevant...because I continue to be this ass...
again...
sorry...
honest.
When I got back from California... I came into work and sat at my desk...just sat there... thinking... what the fuck??...a few minutes later I got a phone call... I suppose my earlier thought was a premonition...
It was
The Itch.
You see, with me... it's out of sight out of mind. I have too many other things in my life... well, other people in my life... to worry, think, wonder about what's going on with an old... love. So even though The Itch could have been my husband/future/life (and still might be...a discussion for another day)... I had removed him from my thoughts.
As soon as I heard his voice... that crease showed up.
What crease?
The crease between my eyes when I am disgusted.
"Mom would like you to give her a call." ::that's YOUR momma...::
"What are you doing for the holidays?" ::WHY?::
"I miss you." ::ugh! as I rolled my eyes::
"I really miss you." ::I start to tune him out::
"Do you need anything?" ::not from you::
"You don't want to talk to me, do you?" ::for what?::
"Do you miss me?" ::I gotta get back to work *click*::
Now, I have Yahmony telling me that I don't need to worry about anything. What he has become (or has always been)...is desperate. Like I always say... I am some kind of wonderful... but I am not outstanding... LOL I have become this man's weakness (for now)...do I take advantage of it? Since, after all, that's what I planned on doing before I even met him? That's my plan whenever I meet a man. My thoughts.... How does spending time with you...benefit me? That's my standard question to myself when I meet a man.
I know your getting alot from me this week...alot of who Bloopty is. A pretty picture but not all that pretty when it comes to content... oh well. I know my flaws... I suppose I feel ok with you knowing them. After all, I am not the type of personality that too much cares what other people think, it's a selfish trait. I was wondering if I have always been this way. I say yes. It's my daddy's "fault". Even though in my eyes (as his daughter)...he has no faults...but as a woman...he has many.
SO let's explore my current (lack of) character/integrity...I was brought up by my daddy and my 4 uncles. Only child... only girl in a house full of men. Too say I was spoiled is an understatement. The stories told as I played... thinking that I wasn't listening. The things I've seen as I peeked through keyholes. The little bits of wisdom they imparted on me about men... what to look for, what to accept, what to walk away from.... I am who I am... because of them... for good or for bad.
I moved out of my daddy's house in with my husband... he reminded me so much of my daddy...that I caught myself many times before "dad" would come from my lips. That man had me on a pedestal. Kept me there while he went out and did his fucking with other woman. He didn't want me doing certain things...because he thought I was to "good" to do it. I had a 5 bedroom house... 2 car garage... 2 beautiful boys... swimming pool... I didn't have to work. I cooked and cleaned but he brought in a cleaning lady. So... my days were spent with dropping the kids off at work... coming back home and swimming laps... helping out in the boys class room... boyscouts and sports with the boys. My life in one word: Pampered.
From my husbands house...I moved back to my daddy's house.
Every man from May 2000 that I have been involved with... has taken care of me. Bills paid. Cars. Trips. Money set aside for the boys.
I don't know if my personality has searched these men out... uncounsciously... or conscioulsy. But it's always been that way. It has now become my expectation. Thing about it.......I am getting to old for this shit.
Maybe I have the sort of personality that makes people want to take care of me. After all, I have had quite a few people tell me that they feel the need to do just that. My last year in California... a man bought me a 2004 Lexus. Why? I don't know. But I took it... Why? Because he wanted me to. Within the first 4 months of knowing The Itch... he had spent a good $10,000 on me. Why? I don't know. But I let him... Why? Because he wanted to.
I am approaching my 37th year...rapidly. I have no real skills... looks are fading... temperment is changing... and I am realizing... like the woman who has been married for 25 years and faces a divorce...
wondering, what do I do now?
How will I survive in the years to come?
Who will I lean on?
Depend on?
I have to depend on myself... I suppose.
# posted by Blah Blah Blah : 5:00 PM
