Friday, February 8, 2008
And Counting...
The lights are what do me in every time. I start thinking of the possibilities of what my life is gonna be. Rather, what I want it to be about and I start thinking only in the positives. Well…that only takes place when my plane comes flying in from the south and it comes over the city flying up on the west side of the island and you can see everything that stretches to the east river. That feeling continues on when going past all the skyscrapers…past Central Park…on to Harlem and then from there you just coast as far as White Plains before swinging back around …over the Long Island Sound and then there….right there, as you are about to land…you fly right by Rikers Island… that’s where I realize that … this shit that I have made up, this feeling of euphoria that comes over me and makes me think that maybe I am something special…someone special…that feeling fucken decreases just as air mass has decreased and the plane has lowered the landing wheels onto the hard tarmac of my fucken life. Brings me down to the ground and reminds me that you can’t just fly with your head in the clouds always… you do have to land somewhere, at some point. NewYorkCity is that for me…a place of misplaced euphoria and hard fucking knocks.
You see, it wasn’t this way on Thursday of last week. Thursday of last week I was feeling good about myself. Maybe even, feeling myself. Full of possibilities of who I was and where I was going. Maybe.
Last Thursday I was thinking about making some changes and knew that this coming weekend was going to be a chance for that. A moment of taking chances, making changes. And believe me when I say that it is just a “moment”. That’s all that takes to get things either moving or stagnant. A single moment.
As I flew into LaGuardia, I realized that I let that moment pass.
I have done it before.
Held on to words that should have been spoken, actions that should have made me move…and yet, I didn’t know that the moment had passed until…the moment had passed.
So here I am back to being where I was…which is no where really...it’s just “being”. Not living, not loving, not anticipating, not searching, not wanting, not hating, not resting, not longing...just being.
Recently I was told that the one thing that scares “them”… is that one day I will just decide that I am “done”. Leave without a word or a thought. Detach myself and quietly…souly…move on. I think I did that. I think I did that after MLK’s bday weekend. I think that I made a decision that I really didn’t take time to think out. Somewhere, inside of my “being” it just felt like I had been “gone” from the relationship. I suppose you could say that this trip was suppose to be that litmus test…to see if the feeling of detachment was real or was it just…not real. The litmus came back positive for Disunion.
Now, of course, I can think of a hundred reasons why… all of them that are valid…but 7 months later…only reminds me that they were valid then…as they are now. So it can’t be that at all. Maybe it’s the new things that I have seen in the character that have made me think that I am not cut out to be in the backseat of a relationship. I know what I speak of because I have been the queen, I have been the help-mate, the co-pilot…I have been the rib. In this, I feel clueless, I feel played, I feel weak…I feel used.
That however is neither here nor there is it? Just is, just the way things are sometimes. Clear as mud and as easy as Sunday morning…all rolled up into one. This thing is not easy, it’s not easy...and one more time so understand what I am saying….it’s not easy!
My decisions now have to be for me and even though I professed it before…they weren’t. Lying to myself and hoping for one thing but knowing that a leopard does not change it’s spots. It is what it is. That one phrase that I consistently say to myself speaks volumes about where I am and yet…….says nothing about where I need to be headed and again… those damn lights as I cost over that damn city makes me think that it’s going to be ok. One way or another I can make it. I can. And although I am going to need a little encouragement from my friends, I can do this!
Harlem has gotten too small for my dreams and even though those dreams are a little dimmed by the film of grime that the city tends to lend to everything… I know that what I need…deep down…need…is not in Harlem…in New York.
However, I have to catch myself and bring myself back to what I need to do right now and that is have a most…uncomfortable conversation. I am not sure that I have the words to explain what I feel. At least not the words that will feel good coming out or the words that really speak what I mean. A little love, a little disgust, some words of awe, and others of …it’s you not me…and maybe even some, it’s me not you. Ha…so you see, as I sit here and chuckle at my backward ass thoughts and desires for things to be easy and unemotional… I know I will be the first to cry. I always cry.
I cry because I don’t want to say what I mean, hate what I am feeling, can’t stand confrontation, know that words make people feel certain things and act a different way. I cry because I can’t express myself the way I think I should, I cry because I don’t want to feel anything other than the black and white words that I speak.
We shall see what happens next time I have to speak words to the one person I have been trying to avoid speaking to since yesterday even though we have been living in the same space for the past 7 days.
You see, it wasn’t this way on Thursday of last week. Thursday of last week I was feeling good about myself. Maybe even, feeling myself. Full of possibilities of who I was and where I was going. Maybe.
Last Thursday I was thinking about making some changes and knew that this coming weekend was going to be a chance for that. A moment of taking chances, making changes. And believe me when I say that it is just a “moment”. That’s all that takes to get things either moving or stagnant. A single moment.
As I flew into LaGuardia, I realized that I let that moment pass.
I have done it before.
Held on to words that should have been spoken, actions that should have made me move…and yet, I didn’t know that the moment had passed until…the moment had passed.
So here I am back to being where I was…which is no where really...it’s just “being”. Not living, not loving, not anticipating, not searching, not wanting, not hating, not resting, not longing...just being.
Recently I was told that the one thing that scares “them”… is that one day I will just decide that I am “done”. Leave without a word or a thought. Detach myself and quietly…souly…move on. I think I did that. I think I did that after MLK’s bday weekend. I think that I made a decision that I really didn’t take time to think out. Somewhere, inside of my “being” it just felt like I had been “gone” from the relationship. I suppose you could say that this trip was suppose to be that litmus test…to see if the feeling of detachment was real or was it just…not real. The litmus came back positive for Disunion.
Now, of course, I can think of a hundred reasons why… all of them that are valid…but 7 months later…only reminds me that they were valid then…as they are now. So it can’t be that at all. Maybe it’s the new things that I have seen in the character that have made me think that I am not cut out to be in the backseat of a relationship. I know what I speak of because I have been the queen, I have been the help-mate, the co-pilot…I have been the rib. In this, I feel clueless, I feel played, I feel weak…I feel used.
That however is neither here nor there is it? Just is, just the way things are sometimes. Clear as mud and as easy as Sunday morning…all rolled up into one. This thing is not easy, it’s not easy...and one more time so understand what I am saying….it’s not easy!
My decisions now have to be for me and even though I professed it before…they weren’t. Lying to myself and hoping for one thing but knowing that a leopard does not change it’s spots. It is what it is. That one phrase that I consistently say to myself speaks volumes about where I am and yet…….says nothing about where I need to be headed and again… those damn lights as I cost over that damn city makes me think that it’s going to be ok. One way or another I can make it. I can. And although I am going to need a little encouragement from my friends, I can do this!
Harlem has gotten too small for my dreams and even though those dreams are a little dimmed by the film of grime that the city tends to lend to everything… I know that what I need…deep down…need…is not in Harlem…in New York.
However, I have to catch myself and bring myself back to what I need to do right now and that is have a most…uncomfortable conversation. I am not sure that I have the words to explain what I feel. At least not the words that will feel good coming out or the words that really speak what I mean. A little love, a little disgust, some words of awe, and others of …it’s you not me…and maybe even some, it’s me not you. Ha…so you see, as I sit here and chuckle at my backward ass thoughts and desires for things to be easy and unemotional… I know I will be the first to cry. I always cry.
I cry because I don’t want to say what I mean, hate what I am feeling, can’t stand confrontation, know that words make people feel certain things and act a different way. I cry because I can’t express myself the way I think I should, I cry because I don’t want to feel anything other than the black and white words that I speak.
We shall see what happens next time I have to speak words to the one person I have been trying to avoid speaking to since yesterday even though we have been living in the same space for the past 7 days.
# posted by Blah Blah Blah : 11:16 PM
Sumptin To Say:
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I wish I could offer something Bloop but I can't. This is a journey only you can take.
Holla if you need something. You know how to find me.
Holla if you need something. You know how to find me.
Last Thursday was indeed a great day! I'm glad I got to see you and connect with you and talk with you over drinks...and drinks, and cocktails and beverages:-)
sending you a Cali hug, and reminding you not to get all hemmed up!
sending you a Cali hug, and reminding you not to get all hemmed up!
You'll get through this and hopefully you'll find it all worth it when you come out on the other side.
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