Writing My Wrongs

You need an answer so you know how to deal… Because avoidance is something you can’t do anymore.

I guess I have been avoiding you…but it wasn’t my intent when you first left me on the 10th. I figured your inability to communicate came from a place within that you weren’t familiar with. I let it pass and said by weeks end you would be ok.

Then it dawned on me that the more I waited for you to communicate…the more days that passed with no word from you…the more I started resenting almost everything about you. Reminding me that the reasons on October 1st were the same reasons I was feeling the way I was, maybe even a few more things added since now I have known you longer. So “avoidance” isn’t something that was intended…just something that happened. I just didn’t feel inclined to communicate. As far as I was concerned… you said all that needed to be said in the days following our trip to New Orleans….NOTHING.

On more than one occasion...several occasions, you have left me feeling clueless and never felt the need to explain yourself... so I find it ironic that you are feeling the same way that you have made me feel.
Surprisingly...it doesn't bother me that you may be hurt by this.
You have so often gone into retreat mode and "avoided" me...that now... I feel like I am giving you your due by returning the favor. Not out of spite…more out of… I just don’t feel inclined to say shit to you. After all, what is there to say…

You see, I know all the good in you. Well, maybe not all the good…for my interaction has been very limited. I see what you want me to see…in my space…in my town. But you get what I am saying hopefully. I think you are a good guy. There was a time when I wanted you for mine and I was thinking of all the ways we fit together. I saw myself wanting to be a better me…for you. I wasn’t sure what that meant but I was willing to find out. I wanted to be what you wanted…needed. Yea, there was a time when I thought that.
We've had conversations and ... I believe, as much as you spoke about the future... we never really had one. We had “now” and “the moment” but I never felt like we (mainly you) were working towards anything. You made me feel like this was "for now"...until it wasn't anymore. I also knew that I was compromising myself to be with you. Little things that I knew in the long run would start to eat away at me…at my self esteem, at my spirit. The things that are unacceptable to most women…and men…but for you and your double-standards, they’d be fine…and you weren’t open to change.

I no longer want to wonder about you…
…I was wondering so many things about you. You consumed me.
I felt drained and depressed. Sad and Lonely.

If you’re in a relationship…the characteristics of any relationship should not consist of Sad or Lonely. And if it does, then I have to believe that I have been compromising my happiness. Compromising my definition of what companionship is about.

I know that I am not being specific here… but I have been specific with you in the past and nothing has come of it… so now…at the end… I feel it would be a waste of my energy and time to tell you of all the good in you… and all the things bad about you… and all the things good/bad about you and I being an “us”.
There were things that I thought that I'd live with because...well, believe it or not...I always conform to the man in my life. I did when I was married and I have done it with you...but inside there is a part of me that hurts...because I feel as if I am always compromising myself to be something for someone else. Certain behavior is not acceptable...but I accept it because I was thinking...in the "big picture"...life is not always fair. Thinking that maybe I am being spoiled and ultra-sensitive. But I'm not. I know what I want...and I have been settling for what seemed good in the moment. Dude, you were good in the moment...when we were in each others presence. Yet...there were so many things wrong with us.

I no longer think it’s important to communicate anything to you. I am bitter, I am bothered, irritated, hurt, agitated…I want to yell at you…make you feel like shit… but I can’t…and I won’t… because I still love you…still care. I will write about it, expunge myself that way…as I have told you, I write to keep myself sane…I write so that I don’t keep it in, so it doesn't mildew my heart.

I am done.
Goodbye.