Writing My Wrongs

It’s 11:02 on Monday morning… and rather than sitting behind a desk I am sitting in front of my laptop cruising for a job and watching AmericasNextTopModel.

Yes y’all, the finally laid me off.
I am officially unemployed.

I have been ok with that. Because I knew it was coming. I knew it.
However, sitting in IHOP on Sunday afternoon…it hit me, I have no job.
I had a moment. Just sat there and stared off into space for the span of a few minutes. Probably like a few seconds but...it seemed in my head…I was spiraling in air…reminiscent of the scene from Vertigo when James Stewart is falling…or so he thought.
I felt my vertigo had …gone…and I was spiraling.

So here I am on a rainy Monday morning, feeling a little unclear about the road ahead of me.
Still waiting the outcome of my severance negotiations…

Since Friday, a few friends have really stepped up to the plate in the friendship area. Not to say they weren’t already cool…but it’s when you go thru adverse situations that you find out who cares and who is just lip service. It actually started before D-day on Friday. Letting friends know what was going on and the possibilities…or rather the inevitable…so Friday gets here and I have my “talk” and was home by 12:00…when the mail comes on Friday…I go to find a letter from a friend with a small token of his friendship…his affection from so far away…wanting to make sure that I have a little something in my pocket. A very good friend indeed.

As for other matters…I was thinking about drinking myself into a week long stupor. I thought about fucking until my pussy hurt and hope that I could feel something more than this…emptiness. Funny how the job was so much a part of my definition. ‘Cause I didn’t really like my job…lol I was thinking that maybe I would party like crazy and start hanging out, after all, its not like I have to be somewhere by a certain time anymore…like work. I felt like I needed to let loose...but realize that behavior from a year ago...has not necessarily been doused but the need for self destruction and reckless has been muted for now.

And then there is Dude… Dude had become my friend. Now he is MIA. At a time when I am feeling a little BLAH… not needing to talk about things that I have recited for the past 72 hours…but something to make me smile. He is missing.

So…once this severance comes through… I am disappearing for a couple of days. Need to disconnect…fully disconnect.

With that said, Cortney and I are headed to April Fools comedy tomorrow at Madison Square Garden. I am looking forward to it. So I am going to have to get my butt up and go buy an outfit. I might even go get my hair done…although…it’s raining. I’ll do it tomorrow, it’s suppose to be 68…I might feel pretty tomorrow. Right now, the thought of washing my face and brushing my teeth is even too much for me to wrap my head around. It’s all foul…breath included!

No fear, it’s the rain and non-communication that has this post sounding suicidal…lol I am actually looking forward to wondering the city streets like I did when I first moved to New York. I am looking forward to it but I really need for it to get warm.