Writing My Wrongs

You all know why I do this...
To stay sane.
Not that I think I am insane...but then most that are don't think they are. But I'm not dammit!
I don't think.

On my ride from Nanjing to Wuxi I had a long talk with myself...

I wrote and made lists and came to some desicions about what I was going to do with myself when I got back to NYC.

But as you all know me... I made the deciscions without really peeling back the many different layers. It's that part of me that likes to keep things light and not really see that only I am responsible for my own life. Being a surface thinker allows me to be irresponsible and depend on other people. That I have been knowing for some time now... probably forever. I just don't speak on it often because again... it's my avoiding that makes me the adorable mercurial and etherous person that they say I am. Ha!

So as fields of crops are passing by me and I am seeing how simple people live and how I (American) take so much for granted and how...unnecessary most material things are...I felt that the things that had been important to me... seem so trivial in the big picture of what I need in my life to make me happy. Really happy.

I had plans for myself and even though I have only been home for 3 days...seems as if I have settled back into being... in a self imposed exile. I haven' even started the things I planned.

I haven't been sleeping... last night I fell asleep at 7 this morning...yesterday it was 5:30 and the night before that it was 4:30. I knwo that I am worried... stressed about what I am doing ... I feel sort of silly even being worried over anything...especially after seeing how the farmers lived along that stretch from Nanjing to Wuxi.

I realize that I have been ungrateful and that I have not appreciated what I had or those around me.
I am also aware of who has been appreciating me.

It's been thundering for the past hour...has yet to rain. I had plans... it's 4:38 and I haven't left my bed today.

I am about to save myself.
I'm about to head to the movies.

Yesterday I got the ghetto nails...I didn't cut them down so they are long...but I also got a design put on them. Now besides french manicure I keep my nails simple...either a red or a pinkish clear polish...basic and professional. Well since I am not working, I figured that I can be as ghetto as I wanna be. Well, I don't think I have it me to be I Love New York ghetto...but I think I can represent my hood of E. Oakland...lol

Sidenote to the Women: In China men out number the women. Finally, a place were I am an asset.