Writing My Wrongs

I had a moment…
…and I cried.

It’s pretty earth shattering to realize that…
…you’re pathetic.

You see, all this time I have had excuses as to why I am who I am….where I am…
And that’s pretty much what they were, excuses.
I made them all the time for my behavior, for my decisions, for my actions…and now…now that I realized just how pathetic I am…
I have made myself cry.

So…as I sit here and write this out for you…I am actually turning things over in my head and I am sure those thoughts will fall upon this screen and you will see…that I am figuring this out as I go along. Like a rubics cube, I am seeing what matches, turning and turning until hopefully it all comes together to the complete piece of colors that it’s suppose to be.

It doesn’t help that Terry gave me Bonnie Ratt last night….or that KS confirmed my pathetic-ness (through no fault of his own) as we discussed my state of affairs.

Prayer…let’s start there. I can’t do it. I am struggling with that. I grew up in the church, have attended church since I can remember. Although I am a believer in the universe and a higher power, I am not sure that if I throw out thoughts and words into the universe….that the universe will hold those and make them come to fruition or make them true. I am just not sure. And even as I type that…I am feeling like I shouldn’t. I have put my thoughts in black and white and when it comes to spiritual things…sometimes I am making more trouble for myself. I believe that speaking words are powerful…and once spoken…there is no retrieving them. So….it’s double-edged.
I am conflicted.

I was seriously thinking about moving back to the bayarea… and just when I am sure that is what I want to do… Oldest lets me know that he has put one foot in front of the other to solidify his future plans…and now…because he was a part of my original plan…and even though I wanted to change plans mid-flight without telling him…he is still holding to the original plan…so I am staying on the east coast. I love my son. There is no doubt. And it would hurt me to hurt him and his plans for himself…and his plans for me.
I am…conflicted.

Have I given up on what Maslow says is the hierarchy of needs?

I am still on the first level. I see nothing in the near future that is going to make me step up to the next 4 levels. I haven’t even mastered the first one…as I am jobless, penniless, and barely able to sleep a full night without waking up with a powerful headache. Is it possible to work my way down….that way I’d essentially be at the top. And I truly think that I have started at the top…because it was but a year and a half ago that I was somewhere on top of my game… somewhere like that. Bottom to top …Top to Bottom.
I am still…conflicted.

A year and a half ago I was dating a man that was separated from his wife, looking for love; thought he had found it. Our meeting was serendipitous. I realize now…it was contrived. But I am in it… yea, I am in it. The one that I tried and gave to… you know…all of what I had to offer… the me that y’all don’t see… I got lost in my own Fairytale… now realizing that Reality is the next neighborhood over.
Let me say…through out the 4 years that I have been blogging…I have had some up’s and downs…and I have dated more men than I can remember. I had fun…fun. I was ok being me. Today…this day…I don’t want to be me. But I am.
Conflicted.

He said write it down. It’s your talent and you don’t even know it.
….but I have nothing left to write…
Just fucking do it Bloopty.

…here I am…just doing it…just writing.