Wednesday, February 18, 2009
New Me...??!!
How far do you go to get what or who you want?
What do you put yourself through in order to keep what you want?
As many of you have read before, I am not a big believer in love, soul-mates or in monogamy. For some reason it just never seemed realistic to believe that one person was made for just one other person in this world. Or that anything last forever.
So my mind conjured up this thought process, which in turn, became my belief system that it was ok to have multiple people in your life. Nothing last forever and during your life time you will be attracted to many people…people that you can honestly say that you have loved in one way or another. At the same time, everything has a beginning and an ending. Thus, be happy playing the field and don’t feel bad when a relationship ends because it wasn’t meant to last anyway.
My self-defense mechanisms slowly start to come to life as it chugs along building momentum when I am in a relationship where I start to want just him. When thoughts of other men are long gone and my focus is on the one that is in front of me. That’s when you all will generally read stories of me falling into this euphoric state of almost love ...and then just as suddenly I am writing words of faults and wrongs done to me…sabotaging things as quickly as I enter into them…nothing ever lasting longer than 3 months.
I dazzled them into loving me. I did all the things that we do to get someone to want us. Made them feel a 100%, knowing that it wouldn’t last.
I would make sure it didn’t last.
What do you put yourself through in order to keep what you want?
~~~
I've written this story before...wouldn't be surprised if exact words were used. However, I have had my gajillionth epiphany, this time with a tad bit more insight.
I've written this story before...wouldn't be surprised if exact words were used. However, I have had my gajillionth epiphany, this time with a tad bit more insight.
As many of you have read before, I am not a big believer in love, soul-mates or in monogamy. For some reason it just never seemed realistic to believe that one person was made for just one other person in this world. Or that anything last forever.
So my mind conjured up this thought process, which in turn, became my belief system that it was ok to have multiple people in your life. Nothing last forever and during your life time you will be attracted to many people…people that you can honestly say that you have loved in one way or another. At the same time, everything has a beginning and an ending. Thus, be happy playing the field and don’t feel bad when a relationship ends because it wasn’t meant to last anyway.
My self-defense mechanisms slowly start to come to life as it chugs along building momentum when I am in a relationship where I start to want just him. When thoughts of other men are long gone and my focus is on the one that is in front of me. That’s when you all will generally read stories of me falling into this euphoric state of almost love ...and then just as suddenly I am writing words of faults and wrongs done to me…sabotaging things as quickly as I enter into them…nothing ever lasting longer than 3 months.
I dazzled them into loving me. I did all the things that we do to get someone to want us. Made them feel a 100%, knowing that it wouldn’t last.
I would make sure it didn’t last.
I was scared. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared to imagine that someone wouldn't recognize the fragile-ness of my heart and cherish my love. Scared that I would be overlooked as just another chick. Which is hypocritical because I have walked away from every relationship I have been in...and without a second thought and with very little emotion. Yet, here I was believing that me walking away was in no way the same as someone walking away from me. Me walking away was equivolent to "it's all for the good" and severing ties before things got way to complicated.
Then again, I didn't care like I do now.
I am starting to realize that you can’t decide who you are going to fall for. I have foolishly said that it was possible…for years. However, I see that it’s not that easy. Love in general is not easy. All these years, I had thought it would be easy for me to walk away from anyone. I am realizing you can’t just decide today that you are done and be able to leave the same day. As a matter of fact, it was easier to leave my husband of 9 years then it has been in trying to extricate myself from my current situation. Which makes me wonder, maybe I am not the one that is supposed to walk away this time. Just maybe…no one is supposed to walk away this time. Maybe.
All I know, is that I am doing some things I have never done before and I have become this other person… sometimes I like the new me…and then there are times, such as Sunday night…that the new me scares me to death.
I know that I am going to beat myself up for my actions because there is no just saying… I am sorry. Although, oddly and miraculously...sadly, he loves me.
I am starting to realize that you can’t decide who you are going to fall for. I have foolishly said that it was possible…for years. However, I see that it’s not that easy. Love in general is not easy. All these years, I had thought it would be easy for me to walk away from anyone. I am realizing you can’t just decide today that you are done and be able to leave the same day. As a matter of fact, it was easier to leave my husband of 9 years then it has been in trying to extricate myself from my current situation. Which makes me wonder, maybe I am not the one that is supposed to walk away this time. Just maybe…no one is supposed to walk away this time. Maybe.
All I know, is that I am doing some things I have never done before and I have become this other person… sometimes I like the new me…and then there are times, such as Sunday night…that the new me scares me to death.
I know that I am going to beat myself up for my actions because there is no just saying… I am sorry. Although, oddly and miraculously...sadly, he loves me.
# posted by Blah Blah Blah : 1:35 AM
Sumptin To Say:
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"...oddly and miraculously..."?
There is nothing odd or miraculous about it. We are all lovable creatures, even with faults, no matter how hard we try not to be.
If nothing else, having the wherewithall to recognize your fears demonstrates a strength of character not many possess.
There is nothing odd or miraculous about it. We are all lovable creatures, even with faults, no matter how hard we try not to be.
If nothing else, having the wherewithall to recognize your fears demonstrates a strength of character not many possess.
Just maybe…no one is supposed to walk away this time. Maybe.
I received this same revelation about a year ago ... after trying to walk away for about 4 years. I also thought it was miraculous that he could love me after all that. But he does.
I received this same revelation about a year ago ... after trying to walk away for about 4 years. I also thought it was miraculous that he could love me after all that. But he does.
Although we fight like cats and dogs I totally know where u are coming from and I understand...: ) Can't help who you fall in or out of love with.
"I am realizing you can’t just decide today that you are done and be able to leave the same day." This is sorta like my achilles heel.
Great repost.
Great repost.
All I can do is smile right now... because you are experiencing love in its pure and intended form..... Agape love... That is why love is a choice rather than an emotion...
well i rather enjoyed spending time with you too. although for some reason i'd pictured dude as looking a bit more like an actor whose name I can't remember.
if you like it and call it love i think that's all that really matters in the end...
if you like it and call it love i think that's all that really matters in the end...
Terry: Is there such a thing as "enough"? Enough comes back to "for right now". It's in the rule book.
La: Very true. As for recognizing my faults...I always say, I know me better than anyone would or ever could.
Chele: It doesn't surprise me that you'd understand me on this one.
Slish: True
Pro: Not a repost. Like I said, I am sure I have used the exact words in another post...I am always talking about leaving someone, right? lol
KS: You think I am recieving it? 'Cause sure doesn't feel like I am giving it. Too scary.
AJ: Everyone invisions me dating a certain type of guy.
I have peek-tures of you at Gil Scott Heron with the poet.
It is love...some sort of love that I have yet to define but I can no longer mask it as something pitiful. That would be a slap in the face to either of us that are going through this.
La: Very true. As for recognizing my faults...I always say, I know me better than anyone would or ever could.
Chele: It doesn't surprise me that you'd understand me on this one.
Slish: True
Pro: Not a repost. Like I said, I am sure I have used the exact words in another post...I am always talking about leaving someone, right? lol
KS: You think I am recieving it? 'Cause sure doesn't feel like I am giving it. Too scary.
AJ: Everyone invisions me dating a certain type of guy.
I have peek-tures of you at Gil Scott Heron with the poet.
It is love...some sort of love that I have yet to define but I can no longer mask it as something pitiful. That would be a slap in the face to either of us that are going through this.
Free her damn-it.
Loose her beast of yesterday.
Stop sucking her,
you blood thirsty mosquito of pain.
She desires to live.
As long as you don't give in to those sabotaging feelings you might find that you can enjoy relationships a lot longer than you ever imagined.
Loose her beast of yesterday.
Stop sucking her,
you blood thirsty mosquito of pain.
She desires to live.
As long as you don't give in to those sabotaging feelings you might find that you can enjoy relationships a lot longer than you ever imagined.
I want pictures and I'll trade you pictures. The poet and I are contemplating matching tattoos. We have been contemplating them for years. it's the simple saying
Love is Love
it's all it ever was or will be, not to be compared, or over analyzed but to be accepted as it is.
Love.
Love is Love
it's all it ever was or will be, not to be compared, or over analyzed but to be accepted as it is.
Love.
Maybe, just maybe, indeed....
It is complex and simple at the same time...frustrating and exhilirating. *Sigh* Congratulations and condolences...
Ahhh, Love.
It is complex and simple at the same time...frustrating and exhilirating. *Sigh* Congratulations and condolences...
Ahhh, Love.
sounds like maybe you are open to sharing and experiencing a real love this time.. being vulnerable is hard, but perhaps this is what you need right now. Best wishes.
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