Thursday, March 5, 2009

100th Post: Valued

Knowing the difference between being romantic and being…corny…basic…and expected.
I am way bad at deciphering.

Case in point…
I like tulips. Love them matter of fact. Everyone that knows me, knows this…I make sure that they do. So come Valentine’s time I was thinking that I was going to be getting a bouquet of colorful tulips. I knew that I was going to be back in NYC for Valentine’s Day so I wasn’t expecting a delivery but...I was expecting something…
Come the Tuesday before Valentine’s Day Dude comes knocking on my door… I think I was mad at him for this or that, so I didn’t actually open the door for him, I just unlocked it…then walked back downstairs. When I came back into the living room…sitting on my floor was this huge red glass bowl filled with what looked like…stems and leaves and a lot of dirt…no flowers…
Hunh???
I say, What’s that?
He say, Those are your Valentine’s Day flowers.
I am thinking, the hell?!! No blooms, petals…nothing.
I say, What are those, tulips?
He say, Yes. I thought to buy you your own little garden of tulips. Thought that was better than just buying you a bouquet that would die in a couple of days. You keep these and they will bloom over and over, year after year. Then he proceeds to give me a big ol’ school boy smile.
I didn’t smile.
I say, Ok, thanks.
Then I proceed to walk out of the door, since we were on our way out.
That was it…my only thanks, my only comment about his gift of flowers. I thought it was a cheap ass gift. No lie.

I thought about that later as the flowers started to bloom…by the time I came back from NYC…I had a dozen fully bloomed yellow tulips. By myself, I just stood in the middle of my living room, looking at my own little garden and I got way too emotional.

I thought what a bitch I had been…and how I have lost sight of the little things because of the past relationships I expected the big things.
It hurt me…that I had been so ungrateful.

It’s those things that make me wonder…

Yesterday I felt yucky and in pain. I think I have fibroids…well, doc says I might, but she’s a quack [read: standard line when I don’t agree]
The night before, Dude and I had christened my new dining table amidst fishnets, panty ruffles, long strands of pearls, bondage rope and champagne…thus, aggravating my uterus. So yesterday we’re lying down across the couch and watching the last day of, 30 Days of Oscars on AMC.
Out of no where, dude got up to go to the bathroom, I lay back down and dosed off since he was in there for so long.
Then I heard the water running and figured he was about to take a shower. Twenty minutes later he comes into the living room butt-naked and wakes me up, took both my hands as he leads me into the bathroom… he had all the lights off and it was dark as hell at 2 o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon…the only light was from 3 candles flickering, as he proceeds to undress me piece by piece, then we both stepped into the bubble bath he had prepared for us, we lay back and relaxed in the hot water. My back to his chest…he put his arms around me and starts to massage my lower stomach and doesn’t say a word. He then massages my shoulders and gives me lite kisses on my temples as he then slowly traced circles of bubbles around my nipples. I felt him growing against my back…but at no time did he make me feel like what he was doing, was meant to lead to that. He started to lightly hum a song, in between whispered words of love in my ear.

This was clearly not like the times he has offered to wash my hair, when we ended up in the shower with my foot positioned on the soap dish for support/leverage and me bent over with my forehead touching the edge of the tub as water cascades over our joined bodies...

After an hour in the tub, he helps me out of the tub, then he dries me from head to toe and leads me to the bedroom where he massages me down with baby oil and then we both drifted off to sleep, no cuddling, no invasion of my side of the bed…just our legs intertwined....at 3 in the afternoon.
As he was leaving later that evening, he asked if I felt better. I said yes. He smiled and planted a kiss on my forehead and told me that he felt bad, that I felt bad and that he just wanted to relieve me of some of the pain with the hot water and massage.

When I was laying on my couch as he was in the bathroom…thinking he was about to take a shower and head home…I was in pain, feeling tired and maybe even feeling like it would be nice to be in my place by myself…

He was thinking of how he could relieve my pain. Him: sweet and romantic… Me: selfish and wanting to be left alone

Later….I was so grateful and in awe that this man...cares.

You see, I (as most women) am used to getting compliments, used to men doing things for me, used to hearing all the flowery words that as a school girl made me shy…but being a woman full grown has somehow slipped into recognizing the wordplay for the dance that it is and not for the meaning of the words. I’m jaded. I’m recycled goods. I realize that those things and those words are just a part of the ingredients to a well prepared meal…me. I no longer blush at a mans flirt, I no longer say thank you every time that someone tells me I am beautiful, I no longer am surprised by gifts or money…

Yet, with Dude…
I have learned not to expect it. When I was living in NYC…he didn’t do certain things. I did. But…that too was apart of my “dance”. I got accustomed to him not doing things. I always counted myself as a non-romantic…and added him to that as well.
I have lived in the DC area for 6 months now…I am sometimes surprised that we are still “together’. I thought once I moved here that he would slyly make his exit. To the contrary. I am recognizing that he does a lot of small things that have more meaning than all the gifts that I have received from other men. Not only does he do small things…with meaning and love…he also says some things that have more value than money…

He has slowly stepped up to the mic…
…and proceeded to let me know…
He’s not going.

Sumptin To Say:
"2 o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon"

What! This nigga ain't got no JOB!!!..lol

However what he did was extremely thoughtful. Get used to it but keep your guard up as well...
 
Nice. Remember this the next time you feel the urge to push him away.
 
Wow, I'm in love. I'm in love with you, I'm in love with him and I don't know either one of you. I feel so relaxed reading this and I know that this is right. So does that mean trouble is coming? For you, for me?
 
It's a shame that we treat people this way and then realize that we had no real basis other than past hurts to act tihs way. I took time off and out of relationships for over 2 years so I could heal from this kind of behavior. Now, I can be around a man in whatever capacity and it only be he and I and not my backpack full of craziness.

I'm happy that he's not going anywhere and is giving you a run for your emotional money. Sounds like he's a good fit for you.

Love to live; live to love!
 
Yup, you're in love and it's nice to watch!
 
Sounds like the love bug has bitten you bloop... Just enjoy the ride......
 
I have to de-lurk just to comment on this one.

Love is very powerful action, and I am so happy to see you gradually moving towards love and with Dude...

I am glad you're opening up to the possibility.
 
Great post, Bloopty. I think this is all about patience, something I always have trouble with.

KZ
 
See.....as soon as I read the part about the pot and the dirt I got all punk inside and thought "awwwwwwww it's a garden!" And Zed said it best....it all takes time.
 
Lovely and amazing.
 
JJ: Long time no see!
It is a lovely story isn't it.

Diva: You caught on quick...'cause that wan't my first thought... guess you could say I am a late bloomer...lol Get it?? LOL

Zed: Wasn't expecting that! I had patience once but...it's starting to dwindle with the amount of time I spend with ppl around me.

Sula: I have always been open to possibilities...just not with the men that have been trying to make it possible.

KS: Shuddit up...you always say that. You want me to be in love so bad...I could be going thru hell and you'd still call it love if I found some good in it somewhere.

AJ: Yea, I am...nice to watch but not always nice to be in. We need to balance that shit out...

Blu: I used to always say that I am going to put some time in between each relationship...never happens I am usually right back on the horse after I've fallen off. Not sure I could go 2 years without testosterone in my vicinity. I haven't been carrying past hurts around...well, not until the man does something that is, if not, reminicent but exactly what some other guy in my life has done.
When a oerson does something over and over, that usually means thats who they are regardless of who they want to be portrayed as.
I need to love to live and live to love...

Curious: There is always trouble when it comes to relationships...lol
You love the story.
Glad I wrote a story worthy of it.

Chele: I think in this 2 years past...most readers have forgotten some facts about Dude. I am going to leave it at that.
He's a good man...
We are all essentially good people.

Slish: Yes, it was thoughtful.
I see you still trying to tell me to be on guard, even though you've told me a billion times that I know my shit already. This time, to late...I decided to get caught up.

Figured I'd give you more than a few words. I've had an epiphany of sorts, other ppl around me renewing old friendships and whatnot. I see u keep reaching.

* Why is my word verification...gagagity*

 
Look on the other end and you shall find me....A open book is always much better understood!
 
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