Writing My Wrongs

It didn’t hit me until I was channel surfing…landed and stayed on a sex-n-da-city episode where the red head’s mother had passed away and the short main character with the blonde hair showed up to her mothers funeral…because that’s what friends do in support of their friends.

It hit me that… I don’t have anyone that I can congregate with like that…to sit down and commune with, the way that girlfriends do. I don’t have anyone I can talk to. Very randomly I may get or send off a text with the whimsical and sarcastic comment or two about what is going on with us.
I think my last text was from Dallas who said,
“Damn Craig, what the fuck you doin’ up there?”…. it was in reference to me telling her about my added few pounds, in response to me calling her a biotch for her telling me she was weighing 135 and having a perky onion booty at the age of 44.
Right off the bat, I knew her reference to Friday...because I know that is her fav movie and she'll quote from it like it was her bible, we know eachother...and that's what friends are for... to remember the silly shit.

But you see…no moments of going to brunch, sitting and talking about everything under the sun. No girls-night-out. No wine fest on the floor of the livingroom in the midst of tears and laughter. Matter-of-fact, I don’t think there is one person that I can tell everything to comfortably. Now mind you, I still have my friends from back in Cal…but, 5 years removed and you start to lose that “connection” that you once had. I can still pick up the phone and call them and talk at anytime…but I don’t because…well, it’s not the same as having someone that knows what is going on now …experiences things with me…now. I miss them terribly.

My only true “girlfriend” is Dude and even then…everything I am doing and everything I am experiencing is with Dude. So…it’s not the same. Who do I talk to about Dude??
I know he wishes I had female friends…because he has talked so much about his past relationships, where he and his boys would meet up with her and her girls… (although, to me that sounds very single in a detached relationship type of way, go figure)
I say that…but I also believe that somewhere in the back of Dude’s mind… in his insecure and narcissistic way…he likes that he is the center of my attention and center of my universe (my universe being the DC metro area) I suppose any man would like that in theory. I believe it is a catch-22 for him, as well, as it is for me.

The only “friend” I have here, in the area, is Cortney…and even with that…it’s hard to maintain a friendship with a man, in the midst of a relationship with another man. Cortney and Dude have been around each other a few times…5, I think… so Dude knows that Cort is just my friend. But I know that Cortney and I can laugh and be silly…and Dude, sometimes, just doesn’t understand how I can have fun with another man that is not him, without it being more than just friendship. Which silently speaks volumes about how he views his female friends. He wants what Cortney and I have. And he does have it…and more! Whereas, I don’t have what he and his friends have. Not his male friends or his female friends (that he says he doesn’t talk to…but he does)…
I just ask that he be true to our friendship and our relationship…and to me.
Which, he can’t even do.
But yet, here he is…Dude is my best “girlfriend”.

I definitely need to acquire some girlfriends to talk to, laugh with, cry on, hang out with… So dude can go back to being my man.
My man shouldn’t be my girlfriend…Altho, let Prince tell it…he should be.

~~~~
If I was your girlfriend
Would u remember 2 tell me all the things u forgot
When I was your man?
Hey, when I was your man

If I was your best friend
Would u let me take care of u and do all the things
That only a best friend can
Only best friends can

If I was your girlfriend
Would u let me dress u
I mean, help u pick out your clothes
Before we go out
Not that youre helpless
But sometimes, sometimes
Those are the things that bein in loves about

If I was your one and only friend
Would u run 2 me if somebody hurt u
Even if that somebody was me?
Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be