Monday, March 23, 2009
Judging, Patterns & War
It would be two nights in a row that I have not been able to get a good night sleep. Then some wonder why I am not at my best the following day. Making haphazard comments to a situation they created.
First night:
Would seem that Dude has taken something and made it into something else…quite huge in his minds eye. Problem is, he’s taken someone else’s shit and applied it to me…thinking his 2+2 has added up to 4…when in reality…one of the easiest equations has him coming up with an answer that is more like…4,987,642…basically the wrong answer. Convince him though I try…he seems
to think he knows everything, years into something that started years before he was even thought of. I am not…or ever have been…harlemknights.
So, since I can’t convince him…he gets out his ice-pick and starts to gouge away at my integrity and my judgment…or wait… his wording, he…
“questions my judgments with how I choose my friends and my relationships”.
Yea, he stabs away like crows, picking the dead eye-balls of road-kill.
Well…since he wasn’t around during any of my relationships and consistently has questioned my friendships…he really doesn’t know what he is talking about and when I try to explain…he literally laughs in my face as if I have reason to lie…now. Which I don’t since everything has been laid on the table…I have no reason to make myself look better or worse. I have been an open book but…for some ass-backwards reason…he keeps wanting to add his own version of chapters into my life’s story.
So I start to think that he isn’t really talking about my past “ships”…he’s talking about my current relationship.
After all, he has the right to talk about that…he knows all about what is going on now with me to make a comment like that. He knows all the intimate details of this relationship…
…so maybe, he is questioning my judgment about, why I am with him.
He wouldn’t be far off in his questioning then…
You see, I have questioned this relationship and where it is and how solid it is, where it is going, where it can go, and whether his past behavior would resurface if we happened to go to the next level…like maybe moving in together. Almost two years into it and I still question those things and many more, which leads one to believe…he hasn’t made me feel to secure in this current relationship. Yet, he questions past relationships. Compares similarities in my character but fails to think about the similarities in his character along side past men I have dated. He doesn't look at what the whole picture could be...but picks apart pieces he likes to exploit to his advantage. All and all...he shouldn't compare any of it...he should focus on trying to make this relationship right...rather than focus on the past with me and other men. The past is the past for a reason...he obviously didn't read my Jan. 15th post...
A friend of his said that I should respect his situation and I almost stopped breathing at the stupidity and audacity of that comment…
Dude doesn’t even respect his own situation…so why the hell would I?
Fuck his situation is what I say. He chose it, not I. I chose him…based on a lie. So…to ask me to be understanding of a situation that is some bullshit…fuck that.
And yet, another friend of his told me that I could have what he has but not with who I am with. Coming from who it came from…seemed like some bullshit, considering I don’t care for that particular friend of Dude’s.
But in reality, his words were true.
The longer I am with him…the more it’s harder to stay in something that has more chances of horribly blowing up in my face, than coming out smelling like roses. It’s a struggle to be with a man you love, knowing that that man is always trying to justify all his wrongs with declarations that are practically impossible to follow thru on or complete. Which inevitably, has him coming out looking like a huge liar, even though I think I know what is going on.
But I chose him. And I choose him still.
And he…well he, sits back and tells me… that he questions my judgment.
*rolling my eyes at his fucking nerve*
So again, his comment about my judgment…well…he obviously meant him since he hasn’t been getting my past life right as of yet.
I wrote a post about 2 years back… in that post I said…
You can’t ask God for good when you consciously, consistently and routinely are doing bad. How does he reward you when you repeatedly slap him in the face?
I am lying in the bed I made.
Whether I lie down with fleas and get up with fleas…has yet to be seen.
But chances are…
Second night:
Have you ever run across someone that…
Would rather lie to you than tell you the truth and be in some discomfort for a moment?
Then they pass it off as “sparing your feelings”…
Label it as a “little white lie”…
Or maybe get defensive because they know that that one act is more self-serving and selfish than they would like to believe.
They have it all plotted out in their mind as to what they are going to do or say… so that you don’t know the conniving that went into a small unfortunate “story”…
But you do.
Because although it’s a different lie…oh, excuse me, story/explanation…you’ve seen the pattern before.
[A quilt-maker rarely changes up thier pattern once they have started thier work. They may change colors or prints but thier pattern stays the same distinct signature work; it is thier blue-print. You know thier work because you’ve seen it before. They stick to it, so that there is fluidity to thier design. And when they are done, they hand it over for you to wrap yourself in the warmth of the design they've created; the finished product./]
Well…
I know this particular pattern…have seen past designs…all different…but the same.
An hour before he left…I knew he wanted to go home which made me flash-back to 7 hours prior when he received a phone call… he told me what was said but waved it off as whatever…and not completing his sentence went onto another topic.
So as he was getting dressed, I laid there in the dark at 230 in the morning, wondering…all this could have been avoided. But rather, he played it out and then at the last minute…came up with a reason to go… when he already had a reason to go.
He just needed to let me know…he just needed to speak up. But rather than do that…he’d just lead me on.
He stays more nights than he doesn’t. Had he told me he was going, would have been fine (as I wasn’t feeling well in the tummy anyway)…yet, all warm and cozy in the bed spooning and sleeping at 230am, he jumps up and still…silently puts his shit on to leave, when I have to ask where the hell is he going. Even then he says, Well Bloop, I told you I had to get home….
No…...you didn’t.
You told someone else that; told yourself that…but never told me that, bastard.
So long after he left, I sat in my bed, tv on because... what women feels comfortable having her "man" walk out of the door at 230 in the morning, who sleeps well once that happens? And with that...I end up going back to the previous night when he told me...
He questions my judgment in choosing friendships and relationships because as he has read and reminds me…I have been here...left in the middle of the night...before.
So in reality (since he likes to throw it in my face)... he is just like the men in my past...leaving me at 230 in the morning. Yea, I guess he is right, I should question my judgment in choosing men...
At 530am, I finally laid down and went to sleep.
Here I am, two sleepless nights…and all because this man puts so much stress on my brain. Then laughs it off…
…like yesterday morning after questioning my judgment the night before…he says,
“I don’t see why you just didn’t lay down and go to sleep.” *he;chuckle chuckle*
I didn’t laugh with him…I silently called him a punk because with that comment…he makes me think…he planned it, made me feel 2 inches tall so that later he could come back and be the saviour to a situation that he created...it's called...drama.
I wanted to say…
“Maybe because…
Your need to have a semblance of control over my life has finally seeped over to now…needing to control my emotions and my thoughts, ass!”
I have unconsciously given him power over how I am going to act, feel and think... I have.
Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
...and yet...I stay.
Can’t sleep when my logical and illogical minds are at war…
I have got to get a fucking life. Got to get some fucking friends.
Or move my ass back to NYC and settle down and marry a nice Jewish man...either way…I’d be done with warring. Wouldn’t I?
Like Sam's song...but not...
A change has got to come!
**Slish asked me to write a post about dating. He tried to tell me I was a master at dating and that I knew how to get a man and keep a man...
I am a fraud. I thought I was something different, that I had paid attention and maybe knew a little something extra... Clearly, I am just the average chick that got caught up in some bullshit that turned me into ...ordinary and basic....and on occassion...pathetic.
First night:
Would seem that Dude has taken something and made it into something else…quite huge in his minds eye. Problem is, he’s taken someone else’s shit and applied it to me…thinking his 2+2 has added up to 4…when in reality…one of the easiest equations has him coming up with an answer that is more like…4,987,642…basically the wrong answer. Convince him though I try…he seems
to think he knows everything, years into something that started years before he was even thought of. I am not…or ever have been…harlemknights. So, since I can’t convince him…he gets out his ice-pick and starts to gouge away at my integrity and my judgment…or wait… his wording, he…
“questions my judgments with how I choose my friends and my relationships”.
Yea, he stabs away like crows, picking the dead eye-balls of road-kill.
Well…since he wasn’t around during any of my relationships and consistently has questioned my friendships…he really doesn’t know what he is talking about and when I try to explain…he literally laughs in my face as if I have reason to lie…now. Which I don’t since everything has been laid on the table…I have no reason to make myself look better or worse. I have been an open book but…for some ass-backwards reason…he keeps wanting to add his own version of chapters into my life’s story.
So I start to think that he isn’t really talking about my past “ships”…he’s talking about my current relationship.
After all, he has the right to talk about that…he knows all about what is going on now with me to make a comment like that. He knows all the intimate details of this relationship…
…so maybe, he is questioning my judgment about, why I am with him.
He wouldn’t be far off in his questioning then…
You see, I have questioned this relationship and where it is and how solid it is, where it is going, where it can go, and whether his past behavior would resurface if we happened to go to the next level…like maybe moving in together. Almost two years into it and I still question those things and many more, which leads one to believe…he hasn’t made me feel to secure in this current relationship. Yet, he questions past relationships. Compares similarities in my character but fails to think about the similarities in his character along side past men I have dated. He doesn't look at what the whole picture could be...but picks apart pieces he likes to exploit to his advantage. All and all...he shouldn't compare any of it...he should focus on trying to make this relationship right...rather than focus on the past with me and other men. The past is the past for a reason...he obviously didn't read my Jan. 15th post...
A friend of his said that I should respect his situation and I almost stopped breathing at the stupidity and audacity of that comment…
Dude doesn’t even respect his own situation…so why the hell would I?
Fuck his situation is what I say. He chose it, not I. I chose him…based on a lie. So…to ask me to be understanding of a situation that is some bullshit…fuck that.
And yet, another friend of his told me that I could have what he has but not with who I am with. Coming from who it came from…seemed like some bullshit, considering I don’t care for that particular friend of Dude’s.
But in reality, his words were true.
The longer I am with him…the more it’s harder to stay in something that has more chances of horribly blowing up in my face, than coming out smelling like roses. It’s a struggle to be with a man you love, knowing that that man is always trying to justify all his wrongs with declarations that are practically impossible to follow thru on or complete. Which inevitably, has him coming out looking like a huge liar, even though I think I know what is going on.
But I chose him. And I choose him still.
And he…well he, sits back and tells me… that he questions my judgment.
*rolling my eyes at his fucking nerve*
So again, his comment about my judgment…well…he obviously meant him since he hasn’t been getting my past life right as of yet.
I wrote a post about 2 years back… in that post I said…
You can’t ask God for good when you consciously, consistently and routinely are doing bad. How does he reward you when you repeatedly slap him in the face?
I am lying in the bed I made.
Whether I lie down with fleas and get up with fleas…has yet to be seen.
But chances are…
Second night:
Have you ever run across someone that…
Would rather lie to you than tell you the truth and be in some discomfort for a moment?
Then they pass it off as “sparing your feelings”…
Label it as a “little white lie”…
Or maybe get defensive because they know that that one act is more self-serving and selfish than they would like to believe.
They have it all plotted out in their mind as to what they are going to do or say… so that you don’t know the conniving that went into a small unfortunate “story”…
But you do.
Because although it’s a different lie…oh, excuse me, story/explanation…you’ve seen the pattern before.
[A quilt-maker rarely changes up thier pattern once they have started thier work. They may change colors or prints but thier pattern stays the same distinct signature work; it is thier blue-print. You know thier work because you’ve seen it before. They stick to it, so that there is fluidity to thier design. And when they are done, they hand it over for you to wrap yourself in the warmth of the design they've created; the finished product./]
Well…
I know this particular pattern…have seen past designs…all different…but the same.
An hour before he left…I knew he wanted to go home which made me flash-back to 7 hours prior when he received a phone call… he told me what was said but waved it off as whatever…and not completing his sentence went onto another topic.
So as he was getting dressed, I laid there in the dark at 230 in the morning, wondering…all this could have been avoided. But rather, he played it out and then at the last minute…came up with a reason to go… when he already had a reason to go.
He just needed to let me know…he just needed to speak up. But rather than do that…he’d just lead me on.
He stays more nights than he doesn’t. Had he told me he was going, would have been fine (as I wasn’t feeling well in the tummy anyway)…yet, all warm and cozy in the bed spooning and sleeping at 230am, he jumps up and still…silently puts his shit on to leave, when I have to ask where the hell is he going. Even then he says, Well Bloop, I told you I had to get home….
No…...you didn’t.
You told someone else that; told yourself that…but never told me that, bastard.
So long after he left, I sat in my bed, tv on because... what women feels comfortable having her "man" walk out of the door at 230 in the morning, who sleeps well once that happens? And with that...I end up going back to the previous night when he told me...
He questions my judgment in choosing friendships and relationships because as he has read and reminds me…I have been here...left in the middle of the night...before.
So in reality (since he likes to throw it in my face)... he is just like the men in my past...leaving me at 230 in the morning. Yea, I guess he is right, I should question my judgment in choosing men...
At 530am, I finally laid down and went to sleep.
Here I am, two sleepless nights…and all because this man puts so much stress on my brain. Then laughs it off…
…like yesterday morning after questioning my judgment the night before…he says,
“I don’t see why you just didn’t lay down and go to sleep.” *he;chuckle chuckle*
I didn’t laugh with him…I silently called him a punk because with that comment…he makes me think…he planned it, made me feel 2 inches tall so that later he could come back and be the saviour to a situation that he created...it's called...drama.
I wanted to say…
“Maybe because…
Your need to have a semblance of control over my life has finally seeped over to now…needing to control my emotions and my thoughts, ass!”
I have unconsciously given him power over how I am going to act, feel and think... I have.
Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
...and yet...I stay.
Can’t sleep when my logical and illogical minds are at war…
I have got to get a fucking life. Got to get some fucking friends.
Or move my ass back to NYC and settle down and marry a nice Jewish man...either way…I’d be done with warring. Wouldn’t I?
Like Sam's song...but not...
A change has got to come!
**Slish asked me to write a post about dating. He tried to tell me I was a master at dating and that I knew how to get a man and keep a man...
I am a fraud. I thought I was something different, that I had paid attention and maybe knew a little something extra... Clearly, I am just the average chick that got caught up in some bullshit that turned me into ...ordinary and basic....and on occassion...pathetic.
# posted by Blah Blah Blah : 10:04 AM
