Thursday, April 2, 2009
Fading
My heart beats entirely too fast and I start to…fade. Not a total black out but…it’s closer then when I used to have anxiety attacks. But this isn’t that.
This is something entirely different.
I think that I am more insane than I first thought.
You laugh at that…but, truth be known…I’ve always thought that I may be a tad bit off…not quiiiite…right. Not in a short school bus type of way but in a homicidal maniac kind of way.
I feel like…
Well, I sat there and listened. Took in all that was said. Asked some questions when I felt like my intelligence was being challenge or questioned.
I sat there...but in a detached way that made me feel like I was a force within the room but...not really there. Just a shell of a body going thru the motions as I hovered on the periphreal.
Moving...or floating...or just existing in the room...
And still, I remained in that moment…suspended in an ever revolving prism of…blah blah blah.
I felt my conscious mind start to fade.
And…I wanted to inflict harm.
And I realized I was making a conscious effort not to find a bat and smash it into the mouth of the person that was lying to me.
But, those thoughts…
…were before I started to fade.
And like a drowning person at the last minute fighting for life…for air… finds themselves taking in more and more water at the same time
...sort of sealing their fate in their hysteria…
I fought back the darkness that was trying to engulf me.
So…a small thread held me suspended between sane and insane.
…a very infinitesimal strand of thread…
And here I was, thinking all this time, that I didn't totally lack reason, that I was relatively competent... far above inflicting pain and not only pain but…vicious and lasting pain. Hospital type of pain. The type of pain that could even possibly…lead to a grave.
And it was there, in that space, that I realized…I was ok with the consequences of hurting someone.
People like that scare me… I have become that which scares me…
I am more insane than I thought.
Or…as a thought…am I slowly being driven to insanity?? Because surely…the truly insane think they are sane.
Would I be questioning it, if it were so?
Dude and I are headed to Philly tomorrow.
A “get away” if you will…
And yet… I believe it is a “get away” from each other that we need.
I hope this overnighter does not turn into us…entertaining my newfound insanity.
I am living a life that is not my own and I am actually sitting back and letting myself become the puppet. I see it but oddly, I. can. not. stop. it.
This is something entirely different.
I think that I am more insane than I first thought.
You laugh at that…but, truth be known…I’ve always thought that I may be a tad bit off…not quiiiite…right. Not in a short school bus type of way but in a homicidal maniac kind of way.
I feel like…
Well, I sat there and listened. Took in all that was said. Asked some questions when I felt like my intelligence was being challenge or questioned.
I sat there...but in a detached way that made me feel like I was a force within the room but...not really there. Just a shell of a body going thru the motions as I hovered on the periphreal.
Moving...or floating...or just existing in the room...
And still, I remained in that moment…suspended in an ever revolving prism of…blah blah blah.
I felt my conscious mind start to fade.
And…I wanted to inflict harm.
And I realized I was making a conscious effort not to find a bat and smash it into the mouth of the person that was lying to me.
But, those thoughts…
…were before I started to fade.
And like a drowning person at the last minute fighting for life…for air… finds themselves taking in more and more water at the same time
...sort of sealing their fate in their hysteria…
I fought back the darkness that was trying to engulf me.
So…a small thread held me suspended between sane and insane.
…a very infinitesimal strand of thread…
And here I was, thinking all this time, that I didn't totally lack reason, that I was relatively competent... far above inflicting pain and not only pain but…vicious and lasting pain. Hospital type of pain. The type of pain that could even possibly…lead to a grave.
And it was there, in that space, that I realized…I was ok with the consequences of hurting someone.
People like that scare me… I have become that which scares me…
I am more insane than I thought.
Or…as a thought…am I slowly being driven to insanity?? Because surely…the truly insane think they are sane.
Would I be questioning it, if it were so?
Dude and I are headed to Philly tomorrow.
A “get away” if you will…
And yet… I believe it is a “get away” from each other that we need.
I hope this overnighter does not turn into us…entertaining my newfound insanity.
I am living a life that is not my own and I am actually sitting back and letting myself become the puppet. I see it but oddly, I. can. not. stop. it.
Sumptin To Say:
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You CAN stop it. You just have to decide to.
I understand wanting to inflict pain. Liars will do that to you, only I didn't think about the consequences ... I just went forth and did what I had to do.
I understand wanting to inflict pain. Liars will do that to you, only I didn't think about the consequences ... I just went forth and did what I had to do.
I can spend time on the ocean on a yacht, or in a lifeboat. For me the decision is easy. – Lifeboats are supposed to be temporary.
“Two kinds of trouble in this world
Living...Dying”
- Lindsey Buckingham
“Two kinds of trouble in this world
Living...Dying”
- Lindsey Buckingham
Hey girl..You coming to the illadelph? Wish I knew what you looked like so I could greet you.
Thanks for stoppin by my blog today..Nice to hear from you again.
Don't be a stranger.
Thanks for stoppin by my blog today..Nice to hear from you again.
Don't be a stranger.
If you get the opportunity while in Philadelphia get you a cheese steak from Ginos and make the hr drive over to Reading and take in some jazz.....
I think the easiest thing for me to say is that a philly cheese steak maybe good for the soul, but it's also 3 days closer to a heart attack. Stay away from it.
The next thing I want to say is don't hurt anybody. Don't even think of hurting anybody because the scars you leave are going to be more marked on you than on anybody else. There are things that have happened to me and I have never forgiven, but in time I realized I was far better off knowing the truth and finding what was best for me. That's what I want you to find, what's best for you.
The next thing I want to say is don't hurt anybody. Don't even think of hurting anybody because the scars you leave are going to be more marked on you than on anybody else. There are things that have happened to me and I have never forgiven, but in time I realized I was far better off knowing the truth and finding what was best for me. That's what I want you to find, what's best for you.
Doing what is best for one's self is not easy or fun,but when it comes down to it, it is all about saving yourself and keeping your sanity. No one should be allowed to take away your peace. When you are lied to you are also being robbed of peace and the ability to trust them or the situations that they present before you. Remember you are the prize and fuck the bullshit!
Perhaps this is where my crazy comes in because I don't think it all insane to think homicidal thoughts when something goes wrong in a relationship, it's actually apart of being human, it's what you do from there that defines your future.
my only advice and when it comes to love i have little advice is to get the book, Women Who Run with Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.
It's big but just read it, all of it, cover to cover it's about the primal instinct of women..at core.
my only advice and when it comes to love i have little advice is to get the book, Women Who Run with Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.
It's big but just read it, all of it, cover to cover it's about the primal instinct of women..at core.
@ Chele: I understands that people lie. And those that say they don't are usually the ones that do it the most...but, I am finding out that this is just part of this persons personal/individual charater make-up. The lies just spill out like notes to music, like words in a book, like...
This person lives so much in the past because thier present is built on so many lies. I didn't know.
@ Terry: I suppose I am wondering...that if I am on a lifeboat, that'd be saying I needed saving.
And to be honest, I didn't need saving until his lies came into my life. I needed to be centered.
I can't help thinking that I was better off before I met "the lies".
@ Keith: You are welcome. Thank you for coming by as well.
@ KS: Really...cheesesteak?
@ Curious: *sigh* I hate cheesesteak...it's the cheese...and the smell. Makes my stomach queasy.
What's best for me...well...
I've been looking back and you all have followed my journey...it's been more heartache than good times with this one. My self-esteem and my pride left me long time ago. I don't forsee me hurting anyone other than the one person I have already done so much damage to already...me.
@ Kim: Thank you.
Everytime I think I have some sort of worth...another lie surfaces and lets me know...I have none concerning this person, 'cause if I did...
I am not enough to maintain my own sanity. So I sit here in the midst of the life he has created and now, right now...his creation has me living a lie...his lie.
@ AJ: Maybe I never had it, I will have to read back...but...I am really not a confident or a strong woman. Every insecurity I have ever had he has played on at some point...and you know what I have done...I have let him...
My future is defined by what I do at this very moment...
And it's at this very moment, that I can't even get up and walk away to save my life.
This person lives so much in the past because thier present is built on so many lies. I didn't know.
@ Terry: I suppose I am wondering...that if I am on a lifeboat, that'd be saying I needed saving.
And to be honest, I didn't need saving until his lies came into my life. I needed to be centered.
I can't help thinking that I was better off before I met "the lies".
@ Keith: You are welcome. Thank you for coming by as well.
@ KS: Really...cheesesteak?
@ Curious: *sigh* I hate cheesesteak...it's the cheese...and the smell. Makes my stomach queasy.
What's best for me...well...
I've been looking back and you all have followed my journey...it's been more heartache than good times with this one. My self-esteem and my pride left me long time ago. I don't forsee me hurting anyone other than the one person I have already done so much damage to already...me.
@ Kim: Thank you.
Everytime I think I have some sort of worth...another lie surfaces and lets me know...I have none concerning this person, 'cause if I did...
I am not enough to maintain my own sanity. So I sit here in the midst of the life he has created and now, right now...his creation has me living a lie...his lie.
@ AJ: Maybe I never had it, I will have to read back...but...I am really not a confident or a strong woman. Every insecurity I have ever had he has played on at some point...and you know what I have done...I have let him...
My future is defined by what I do at this very moment...
And it's at this very moment, that I can't even get up and walk away to save my life.
I don't even have words. While I do see between the lines, it's hard to find just the right words that would make you end this story.
Push! Look inside yourself. Don't let your situation become you. Since you know the deal with dude, all your current actions should be based on what you know, not based on his lies or your desire for him.
it's like they said in the epic and iconic movie Juice...something about the ground beneath your feet.
Sometimes it's not always about leaving, it's about being where you are, accepting what's real and THEN moving on.
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Sometimes it's not always about leaving, it's about being where you are, accepting what's real and THEN moving on.
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