Writing My Wrongs

I had a talk with my father a week before I left for California for the graduation. Told him that it was time and that I was ready. He supported my decision regardless of how he felt about the topic. He thinks that there is a “toxic and destructive” ring around my personal relationship. I did too but…he put it into words, whereas, I only had a feeling for the definition.

I went to California with little emotions and feelings. Other than being in the presence of my boys and the proud celebration of being there…I was less than mediocre as a companion. I was hoping that when he said he was going to catch an early flight back…that he would. As awkward as it would be to explain that…it was to be the best decision…had he done it.

As I sit here and am thinking about all the times I’ve took one step away…I think of all the times he has taken 3 toward me. I kept running into him and was never to be rid of him. To be completely honest…I love the man. Do still. But he was right, I don’t like him anymore. Is that possible? Well, it is for me. I cry almost every time we are together. I have been trying to maintain a friendship, no sex, no kissing, no touching…hoping we could move into that realm. ‘Cause overall, he is a good friend…to me…but a horrible person to be in love with. I remember him once asking me if I was able to have someone love me. I answered yes…and I meant it. But now as I sit here…the answer required more than just a yes or no.
So although we have spent every day together since we came back from California last week…I realize that we are both victims of circumstance. We would not be together if we were happy with our lives. Of course I speak for him…I know this. But I know him in some instances better than he knows himself. For instance I know…he is a liar. I know that his moral compass is far more skewed than anyone I have ever ever met. I know that he needs therapy because his path is destroying lives…yes, that’s plural.

Now I can go on telling you about the bullshit of dreams deferred and love lost and wrongs that were never …writed/righted…
But to be real…

None of this could have happened without my participation. I can and do take responsibility for the love, the stank and the demise of the relationship. It’s not like living and loving was new to me but it was never in this atmosphere and never totally amoral…I say that because I know my ass has been in many a relationship, for many a wrong reason…least of them being because I actually liked a muthafucka. But this shit right here was different.

I don’t think I could ever think of an instance where I didn’t like the sex…or complained about it not being good…and on occasion…better than better than good good. The things we’ve done in the places in the positions…yea, no one could ever say anything about us not being creative…but dick ain’t never made me stay in any relationship. Ever. My motto has always been that there was always bigger and better out there.
I say that to say…love is a muthafucka in and of itself that made me put Bloopty on hold. Literally, just put Bloop on hold and go on living life…as his life. Or as my father put it… “inconvenienced myself to make his life more convenient”….gee daddy, thanks for breaking it down and making me look stupid…lol
But isn’t that what love is at it’s basic…stupidity. Yea, I know…if Bloop was jaded before she met Dude…she’s about to be an asshole now that she’s done with Dude. Any man that encounters me from this point out is going to have it rough as a result of this situation..not fair but I come with some baggage that I can't just wont be able to shake soon. I shake my head at that because back to that question about… being able to have someone love me…
The answer is…not so sure anymore.
But then again…this move…
Well…I may be ok with living that single life again…
Multiple dates…men in every shade of the chocolate rainbow…and for once in my life...I may even try the shades in the vanilla rainbow too.
But for now…
I am single as a dolla bill…rolling solo bolo. Which is ok. It’s ok to take a moment and concentrate on me…without extra to take my focus somewhere else.
.
I ran…literally (because of circumstances) away from this relationship that has lasted 688 days. I didn’t end it pretty…was rather sloppy…and dangerous.
I was somewhere I probably shouldn't have been...and someone told me some things that I shouldn't have heard...but once they had, I couldn't just go on pretending like we had been...I HAD to find out for myself, I just needed to see “truth” for myself since lies were all I was told. I needed to see for myself how “bad” things were.
I found out that things were nothing like he said…that all was good… I didn’t end it pretty but it is the end. I knew once I walked through that door, we could never ever ever go back to the past. But I made a conscious decision and that decision was going to put a nail in the coffin, even if I wanted to go back, he'd not have me.
I walked into my present at 204 and by 4am I’d walked out of my past and into my future.

I have gotten support from everyone I have told…and the prevailing comment from most is that they are proud of me for doing what I did, although it was sort of Fatal Attraction-ish…a little blackout-crazy…but… Proud because I did something that was going to make me have to leave well enough alone with no regrets, something I should have left 10 months ago. Most had held their tongue but now that it was done…I heard all sorts of comments and all of them helped reinforce my unthinkable actions. The morning I made my move, it was all rather comedic...until certain little people had entered the picture...but grown facial expressions were classic. I know, I shouldn't be laughing but...it was such a horrible situation that it made it a dram-edy.

Slish asked… How does it feel to be free?

It’s sad, very sad...'cause love just doesn't go away but I feel better day by day…it’s only the nights when I am alone that I sit and think about what it was…what it could have been without the lies… doesn't help that I have a ridiculous amount of pictures of him and I, or him and the boys...
...but then reality creeps up on me… and it's clear as day that...
It was never going to be anything more than what it was…some bullshit that didn’t require my presence. Let the next chick deal with that shit. I know I deserve better…even alone…I deserve better from myself!

I hope Dude and his entire family lots of luck and love. I am completely and without a doubt unable and unwilling to go back to Dude. He will never have to worry about me again for the rest of his life. There is a thin line between love and hate but… I saw what I needed to see and now…I wipe my hands and in time my memory of everything.
I can truely say, at this moment, that he was my greatest love ever...but now he is a non-issue…and soon, non-existent to me.

I needed to get out of VA so I packed my bag and for now I'm back in my beloved Apple. I looked into flights to Jamaica...just me...just to...exhale so to speak.

Our last outting... outdoor movies at National Harbor...

Casablanca