Writing My Wrongs

Nikki (Indigo Trail of My Thoughts):
You know that I have always been a fan. I will always be a fan. When I was the baby writer, starting out on my writing journey...You were the one constant throughout. You've inspired me. I'm more than sad... I know you now rest well, my friend.

I need to leave the country tonight somehow, some way. I may be, quite possibly looking for something that I thought I didn’t even believe in anymore…and it’s quite possible that fanciful dreams of love and chemistry and attraction are manifesting themselves in people I can’t have for the same reasons that I need them… which is difficult to explain and even more difficult to live with…because I am fighting myself in not trying to understand it because…well, just because…it’s going to require more that I have to give, more than I am willing to give myself right n

For whatever reason I didn’t think he was looking at me, even though it felt like he was staring into my very soul. I just figured that he was lost in thought.
It’s what I do.
Then when I walked past him, I saw him turn and as if in slow motion, he took a step in my direction…
…so I turned my head and looked over my shoulder and there was that stare...looking into my very soul…again.
He followed me with one step, then stopped in my personal space and had it been anywhere else other than a Wal-Mart store on a muggy day, in the middle of a small town, a country town, I probably would have high-tailed it out of there…

But he was beautiful to look at, more than beautiful actually…he was painful too look at because something in me…was drawn to something in him…
And I knew I’d not see him again… and I couldn’t help but be blessed to have him…looking at me…approaching me…the way he was… I sort of felt emotional in an odd and funny way…

“I…I…my name is Justin”, he said. With a slight stutter to the beginning of his sentence…as if he had caught himself off guard by his own boldness, he just stood there, clearly wondering if he should say more or if he had said too much. He gave a look as if to ask himself, what the hell am I doing?

I stood there for a minute, half turned to walk away but then instinctively I turned towards him and gave him all of me, as I said, “my name is Bloopty.”

Oddly, I didn’t know where to go from there because I was literally…just that slow with my responses. I wanted to tell him I loved him and ask if I could have his baby, cook his meals and wash his draw’rs and what was his mamas name, and where were his people from and if we could go back there and start our own legacy of love and family…but…he, Justin, had literally just walked up to me so…
…none of that could be said and none of it would have made sense and I realized once again and silently, that I am rambling in my head about some man 800 miles away from where I live, in the doorway of a Wal-Mart as my 2 aunts and 1 cousin watched me…

“You’re very beautiful I am here visiting family I live in Durham, North Carolina You are truly adorable.”
All of this said in one long run-on sentence as if he was a bad actor stumbling over cheap lines…and all I could do was smile.

Quickly I’d calculated the possibilities of this conversation going any further and knew that they were next to none but I was basking in his beautiful smooth chocolate face and conscious enough to know that if I leaned in just a bit more …he’d lean in too… and we’d be kissing…our attraction was that strong and his eyes saw it and with them he almost dared me…

But as soon as I calculated that, within a millisecond… I leaned the opposite direction and took a step back and damn near felt faint in that one small movement…
I blinked my eyes and may have licked my lips…trying to come back from some place that I had been in with this stranger, who’d cast his spell so quickly…and thoroughly. It was clear that he felt exposed and a little open …but I couldn’t say anything to that…because I’d just met…this man …named Justin…and…because I unexplainably felt the same way. I may have tripped over my own feet while turning away as I said…

“Thank you. Have a good day.”

…and just like that, I missed him terribly.

And out of nowhere…conversation around me became audible again and all at once, I heard my aunties talking to me like I’d been involved in the conversation all along, I responded and fell in step as we made our way across the parking lot to the car.

I wanted to turn around but I fought myself on that because for some insane and unexplained reason I thought I might actually run after him, up to him and jump into his arms and beg him to please take me to wherever he was going as long as I was with him…
…but I didn’t, I didn’t turn around to see if he was looking at me, I didn’t acknowledge the teasing from my family, I didn’t try and think of what it all meant, I didn’t do anything other than…
…walk away from perfection and quite possibly my soul mate.

I don't know what it is but I don't like it one bit.
Believe it or not...I am not the type that needs to be out and seen by everyone. Matter of fact, I'd rather be the person that sits in the corner without a lot of attention...it's the people watcher in me...

...lately I have been out a lot, a lot more than I need to be. And to be honest, I don't like it. When I say out...it's like going out...dressing up and going out...the drinking and going out...it's the spending too much money going out.

Started out with SOS coming to hang out with me on Friday night...its becoming something that it doesn't need to be and I am not backing away cautiously like I should. It's harder still by the fact he ain't walking away either...damn him.
Since I am not wanting to meet anyone knew and I am sort of illy with the Fireman...and everyone else is sort of blah...I am just enjoying the friendshsip we have and how comfortable we are.
Plus, this time around our friendship has evolved...I guess age will do that too you...we're in a different place individually as well as ...together.
I may be getting too comfortable but as soon as I get out of the funk from my last relationship, I will start to entertain the thought of dating a man...right now, I'm just not there...

...so, with that said...8 Patron shots later and I am ready to head home alone...but that's not quite how it turned out...

Saturday I was up fairly early despite being out so late the night before...Amus and I went to brunch which didn't help the hang-over. They have 7 different sangria mixes and it's all you can drink with brunch...yea, believe me when I say...I am doing too much right now and I am not even having as much fun as I should be. Which makes no fucking sense. I am definitely not acting my age and looking from my perspective, it's not a good thing.
I was tired and not relly wanting to head to the Hamptons... but of course with some harrassed convincing...I headed out to the island. $500 later and I am wondering...why the fuck did I bother. Not that I didn't want to go to the "hamptons" per se, but a nice weekend out at the beach is infintely more relaxing than being at some Russians dudes mansion and partying with people I don't know...but I was convinced...
Started off with me feeling bloated...but a couple of red bulls and being silly with my friends and I was in the mood to be seen....
Getting to the party was an adventure in and of itself.
I literally kissed the gravel in the parking lot...
BEFORE I even made it to the damn party...
Before I had a drink...
So I slipped back to wishing I was in Harlem, in a sundress and fliplops, enjoying a warm summer night with someone I want to be around....who is going to shower me with attention and lite kisses...
But I wasn't.
I was taking pics of this... :( My reminder that this was going to be a bad mistake...



All I am going to say about my Hamptons weekend...
I skinny dipped.
I took pictures.
...thank goodness...no one else had a camera but me...
And I have blackmail pics of people showing their ass...literally...and figuratively.
I went thru my pictures and deleted every picture that showed my tittie or ass...but...I must admit, there are some really sexy photos of moi...

I guess I am all weirded out over the whole thing...since I have never took a picture of myself showing any bodily parts...naked. SOS keeps asking me to send him a pic on his cell and I have refused everytime...I can't. I'm scary like that...
Well...
...obviously not anymore...
But best believe, it's not a habit I will be taking up...

However, I can check one more thing off my bucket list...

I let the 2nd pass without even thinking about it...
August 2nd 2004 is when I moved to NYC from California...I always celebrate that.
I guess since I moved back from an 11th month hiatus... I guess July 10th will be my new New York anniversary date.
Funny, August 9th would have been my one year anniversary of moving to the DC area.
There is one more date, July 29th, that went by without me remembering...but it was another anniversary that no longer applies so...blah!

Next Wednesday I fly into Richmond, VA for my family reunion...I was just picking my seat for my flight...and realized that I am going to be on one of those small ass rickety planes. Now, I have never had a problem flying...never ever. Matter of fact, I'd prefer flying than any other mode of transportation for travel...
BUT...I am terrified of those little planes. I am.
Umm, another thing, dad booked a room for me for the reunion at Super 8 for 4 nights!!!!
I've never stayed in a motel...for a reason! I am not sure I can do it...we will see how this works out...maybe there are no hotels in the country...maybe.

Then I will be in DC for the following week. I was thinking I didn't want to be away from my home for over a week...most of it has to do with living out of my suitcase...other part is that even though I left the area...I am actually missing it a little now. Maybe it's part of my process...so I mourn the experience, which makes me miss the area.

This weekend I will be in the Hampton's schmoozing it up with "key" people...whatever key people means...key to what? Everything I guess. Which means I am going to have to go buy a couple of 'fits so I am not looking less than "key" worthy. *rolling my eyes*

Laundry...everyone has it...I have a lot of it. I haven't found a pickup and drop off place yet...If I have to drag my laundry up and down these 4 flights of stairs...there is going to be trouble up in Harlem. 'Cause I will end up just buying new draw'rs instead of going up and down with a heavy ass bag of clothes.

My girl from Cal asked me about a trip that we were planning for November...we haven't talked about it since the last 2 years isn't around anymore. We had been looking into us girls and our men...well, I am man-less now so...she was like...go get a man! Then as a parting comment she says...or call Dude up and tell him to go one this last one trip. She got silence from me...
Of course she was just joking but deep down, that is another thing that I am mad at him about...I mean, there are SO SO SO many things I am mad at him for but being able to plan trips...even if we didn't take all of them...we still planned...

SOS is coming over this evening...to make me smile, so I can make him smile...and just because I guess...

The day started out with a burst of hard rain…grey skies with no end in sight. I text him…
Mr. Banks…it’s raining hard.
I know baby. You still coming out?

It took me another 30 minutes to respond…it wasn’t a matter of the rain…more like the matter of my bed feeling too comfortable to leave on a cloudy Friday morning…

Yes, I am still coming.

I’d arrived early and decided to text SOS. SOS responded with a call back to me, we started off with two nice words and then it got all hostile n’ shit. I told him my date had arrived and got off the phone. It was more that I didn’t want to hear what he had to say… So I stood there on the sidewalk wondering where the hell Mr. Banks was. I text him and as I am waiting on his response he walks to me and gives me a big ol’ bear hug and kiss on the cheek.
I’d forgotten how…large he was.
Large…in the truest sense of the word.

It was the very perfect Cuban restaurant that anyone could ever ask for on a cloudy Friday. The décor was awesomely warm and seductive, I am sure that he picked it for that very reason. It was dark wood, bold velvet accessories and candles flickering with the slow and rhythmic beat of Cuban music playing in the background.
He asked if I liked the place and I told him I did, as I positioned myself comfortably into the cushions…
...he was pleased…and sort of full of himself for picking the perfect place for me to sort of come out of my hardened shell…then he orders a pitcher of red sangria and really…I could have fallen in love right there but…I didn’t.
We sat and talked for hours…literally. Three hours had passed before I asked whether or not he was going to return to work. He stayed another half hour before he made himself leave. He didn’t want to and really…the conversation was that good, I wasn’t really ready for him to leave. But there was no way I was going to let him know that. Plus, I’d found out during this getting-to-know-you conversation that he had a woman…for 3 years…
Same ol’ shit that I’d heard before…not happy, not satisfied, looking for something more, a deeper love…blah blah blah…

…but the conversation was good. But not good enough to make me venture down that road. Plus, he is so not my type… although, these days I am realizing that I don’t have a type. Either way, I enjoyed the afternoon. I stayed behind, I was meeting a friend uptown later on in the evening…so I wasn’t rushing to get up there…I sat in the seductive restaurant and drank another glass of sangria and then…he called me…

He would be Ray Ray from Takoma Park, Maryland… Now, Ray Ray is obviously not his name …I gave him the name Ray Ray Pookie Johnson, I’d given him that name one night when we were being silly. He’s never made advances towards me…and maybe that was his normal routine because it worked to make me comfortable with him. I actually liked the whole having a male friend without him coming on to me. Rarely does that happen…I know that if I say just a couple of words in the positive to any of my male friends….it would happen, they’d be down for the get down. I sort of hate that about men…but I guess it works in my favor if I actually like the guy…blah!

I mention that I am gong to be there for 4 days while my dad is in town…I knew I had a room to sleep in…he’d offered it to me when I was going thru the BS with the guy from the last 2 years. The two weeks before I left, he’d thought it would be safer at his house…considering none of my friends thought dude was in his right mind and the fact that he was a little volatile/hostile/desperate the whole month of June…so I knew I had a place to stay without even stressing on it.

He has this beautiful big house in an old part of TP…he’s landscaped it beautifully and the inside of the house is amazingly…old and creative and …eclectic. It’s like he has these old pieces of furniture that look like antiques but they are just weathered…and everything looks like it has a story behind it, like it’s been in the family forever. He’s definitely not a follower which is a great thing in a city full of pretentious people. I was obviously impressed he had put it all together himself. The afternoon I had spent over his house he was on the phone for 3 hours while he was on a conference call, I ordered Chinese for us and then I took my magazine and wrapped my body in a comfy chair in his sunroom and enjoyed the fact that it really felt like a get away versus hanging in my friends house for the afternoon. As he continued his call I decide to laze around his Asian inspired backyard. His house is for me…but that was never going to happen…

We talked shit, talked about my move, talked about my family reunion, talked about his ex, talked about his obsession with youth...in his companions and his vanity. He’d asked about my sex life [which has become the one question that I get asked routinely] and I teased him asking why he’s curious, he conveniently changed the subject. Although, we did have a awkward moment…he got quiet after I asked him a question…a question that was to be a joke but by his silence…he let me know that he has thought about me in another way…a different way than I had originally thought.
SO now, I will be back in Maryland for 4 days starting on the 17th to stay two nights at his house…and for some reason I am not sure his plan is to have me sleep in the extra bedroom anymore… I could be wrong, I hope that I am.
I could go ga-ga over a man like him…funny, intelligent, metro sexual and SINGLE…lol I am hoping he’s straight too…’cause I just realize, I described some of my gay friends to a T.

We hung up and I headed uptown…finally. SOS was meeting me up there and I swear…somewhere between Greenwich street and 125th…all that sangria caught up with me. I got to my desired location and waited on the hair pull and the kiss on the lips...and waited.

And then…
…he spoke of love and my jaw dropped to the ground.
Now, I’ve known that he loved me but he’d never actually told me…
…so hearing it…really really effected me.
Had he not been drunk…he wouldn’t have, I know that.
I asked for how long…and he gave me a specific date from 3 years ago…and again, I was floored.
…but because of me coming out of some things…I am emotionally unavailable for trying to be something that I can not be right now, which he knows...which now that I think about it, its the perfect time to tell me he loves me…LOL

Before this night is thru, I’m gonna do bad things to you…
SOS left at 7am and it’s a miracle we both hadn’t slept until the next afternoon because we’d been drinking and I was passed out and barely coherent. Neither of us had anything to do the next day but now that I am not in a relationship…it’s ok for me to want him to go so I could sleep soundly in my own bed… by myself.
I went back to sleep and literally slept until 5pm Saturday afternoon. I tried to get up but was hung over and I tried to watch tv but kept falling asleep, I tried to read a book but kept dozing…so I gave in and just let sleep embrace me.
SOStext me in the A.M. to ask how I was and to let me know, he’d enjoyed hanging out…which was awesome because I enjoyed it as well. I do believe the security camera in the elevator showed how much we enjoyed ourselves. Which means I would be mortified to go back to the ol’ watering hole.

Today was brunch, this evening was a nite time walk as I talked...about nothing and everything all at once. I am doing that a lot lately. I have a lot of conversation but...it's not like I really do...it's that I can now, more freely than I have in the past year without thinking it's going to end in an arguement. This works.

That is the extent of my last couple of days… nothing major and nothing to exciting…just another weekend to chalk up as …life experiences.