Writing My Wrongs

I have been here for 5 hours and I am feeling like I live here again.
I had planned a full weekend around my cousin’s event, of course.
I have cancelled all of them except Sunday’s football day with …Ken.
I’ve never liked that name. So...blah. Kenny is childish to me and Kenneth is…long…and for some reason names that end with “th” are so…highfaluting.
I ain’t into highfaluting.
Or maybe I am but not when it comes to names…lol

I am going to be in the DC area for the next 3 weekends so…me not keeping my “appointments” is no cause for worry. The more I think about it…I started wondering about my dating habits of late. What the reason was behind me dating…and whether I was making decisions based off of need, want, or my past.

Here is the run-down…
I am dating people that I know I am not going to get into long term relationships with. I think I am too committed to not being committed that I have started choosing people that aren’t really that interesting to me, out of state or like me, aren’t really committed to being committed.

I personally don’t think I am in a position to be in a committed relationship, which morally means…I shouldn’t be dating. Because as it stands…I am juggling some people’s feelings right now and at some point…I’m going to drop the ball. Why you ask? Because at the end of the day…I just don’t care anymore. I can take it or leave it and most times…I am ready to leave it before I even get started.

I guess I don’t really see things for what they are until I start telling people what’s going on with these men. As I start going down the list…I start seeing where…morally…I need to step the fuck back because someone is going to get their feelings/pride/or ego hurt…and it hasn’t been me…so far.

I recently had a conversation with someone about knowing when you shouldn’t be dating. I was saying…if you’re broke…and you are trying to date…stop it. If you can’t afford to treat a woman they way you know you have/should…then you probably shouldn’t be dating until you get your funds/mind/priorities right.
Well, of course I was applying it to men…broke ass men specifically. I am not high maintenance…sort of…but there are certain things that I expect us to do if we are dating…before we even get to the relationship part of the deal. If you can’t do those things…then you probably shouldn’t be dating me…Bloop.
Not saying you shouldn’t be dating anyone per se…but…definitely not me.

I happened to tell a guy that the other night after a "date".
I was going to pay the parking...he didn’t ask me to…I was just going to do it. Well, when I reached for my wallet it wasn’t there. I'd left my wallet in another purse. He made a comment about me purposely doing that, so that he’d have to pay for everything.
Huhn?
…so I get this right…because right now it sounds all wrong…let me see if I can get some clarification…
You mean to tell me…
YOU think I came out on a date that you asked me on…expecting to pay for something?
And YOU think that since I didn’t want to have to pay, that I left my wallet at home?
Is this what you are insinuating?
What the hell kind of woman is this man used to dating for him to think 1. I was going to pay for a date HE asked me on and 2. that I’m that gully that I’d plan to leave my wallet at home…with no cash…putting myself in jeopardy in case shit went south…just to avoid paying for something?
Ass.

*crickets*
He laughed nervously, then said…Noooo.
But then…he starts to ask me what I’m ordering, what I’m drinking, if I am having another mojito, I didn’t want dessert, did I?...
And it went on and on like that for the rest of the “date”.

So we pulled up in front of my place…and I when I got out of the car…I stood there with the door in my hand as I leaned in, looked him in the eyes…and I said, “since I know you are short on money (obviously)…let me go upstairs and bring some money down to you since you have been complaining all night about the wallet situation/the money situation/the cost of shit. And when I come back and give you my portion for my food and drinks…you can kindly not call me anymore and maybe think about dating when you can afford it.”

Slish swears someone is going to back-hand me one day.

Fortunately he didn’t. He stammered as he told me he enjoyed taking me out. That he was surprised I’d forgotten my wallet but as the night went on, he was just joking.
I told him…“I’m good”...which to everyone that knows me, means…I am definitely not good and I’m done!

I had to let him know that there is nothing more annoying then to hear a man talking about money…he doesn’t have. I don’t need to know you are on a budget. I don’t need to know you are low on funds right now. I don’t need to think that the man that I just met who is trying to “date” me…is stressing over a dinner bill from a restaurant he chose. I freaking $75 dinner bill at that.
I just took MYSELF to dinner and spent $115…for one person…
Obviously I date myself better than this muthafucka can! And he is working!

I went way off course with that story…

What I am saying is …people shouldn’t date unless they can afford to.
Which brings it back to me and my dating escapades, I can’t afford to date right now.
Emotionally.
I am really in this whole…I don’t care mode… an “oh well” mode. I’ll-probably-say-anything-without-choosing-my-words-nicely mode.
I am dating men that aren’t in my immediate area...so that I don’t have to be tied down to seeing someone on an on-going basis. I rarely answer my phone. I text randomly and inconsistently…and I never listen to my voicemail.
I think I am doing a disservice to these men who think they want to see how magically delicious I can be once they sample me lucky charms. Not only that, but I am doing myself a disservice by spreading myself so thin and not taking the time out to get over my bitterness to show them how magical I can truly be…for the right man.

Who have I become?
Well…
It’s not a good thing…it’s bad karma when a person walks away from you wishing they had never met you, I don’t want that…

I am bitter.
I love men. Love being around them, the feel of them, their voices, the way they smell, smile, laugh… I love their hardness, at the same time how sensitive they can be. I love their vulnerability and their decisiveness. I love how they take control but are not controlling. I love how they kiss, how they hold me tight while making love. I love their confidence, their camaraderie, the words they use and the unspoken words that are visible through their actions. I love men.

But right now…
I can’t afford to date until I get past this bitterness.

*I believe…I may be a little loopty right now. My auntie gave me some cold meds to sleep. Why she want me to go to sleep so bad?
Side-eyeing her sumptin fierce…sorta, I think. May just be the meds making me feel like I am side-eyeing her but probably looking at her with a lopsided goofy face. Why she want me to go to bed so bad?*