Wednesday, November 4, 2009
And a One, And a Two...And Away We Go
There are some things about myself that I love…and then there are some things that make me sort of wince. But I realize that…I am who I am. I could improve on those things that make me wince but then…those are the things that set me apart from others. And if I changed those things…then I’d be damn near perfect…and tell me truthfully, who the hell wants to be around someone that’s perfect?
That would leave others resenting me and sooner than later I’d drop off the invite list. I’d rather be imperfect…and be comforted by the fact that we are all imperfect instead of thinking about being that one muthaeffa that’s walking around all extra perfect andshit stuff. Being mediocre on a grand scale is nothing to turn your nose up at.
Reminds me of a conversation Zed and I had about being the middle of the middle. [Stratification, October 26th, 2006]
Lately, I find myself finding reasons to use words like lest and shall or unbeknownst and thou. I think it’s my unconscious way of preserving a romantic time of speaking. I also find myself using pet names that make no sense…and I use them at the end of every text I send…
I am headed to Louisville this weekend.
I think I am spending entirely too much time back in the DC area. Matter of fact, I have gone back and visited more since I moved back to NYC then I did in the months before I moved to MD.
I met a man. We've had some dates. I named him Sexy Chocolate. He’s 6’3, with a formidable hard sexy body…and he’s a pretty dark skinned hunk of lovin’. You know, chocolate is a natural aphrodisiac. And when I met him...all I wanted to do was roll around in his chocolateness...immerse myself in him. He was everything I liked and despite the fact that he was a gemini...I wanted him bad. No, bad!
Our first date I think I kept one of my body parts touching one of his body parts the majority of the evening.
Being with him made me want to see...well...I was ready to see if I was ready. Not like make a commitment or anything…but…just to see if I might be open to all that it might come with.
Budda, S.C. has convinced me that…
I am ready to have someone around but not necessarily for the commitment thing.
Then again, I am putting too much emphasis on “commitment”…I think that is always the part that scares me. Like…I’m really going to have to stay committed even if I don’t like you anymore?!?
The other night I made dinner. He came over after helping his sister move all day so he jumped in the shower. I closed the door to the hallway that leads to the bathroom and I sat in the livingroom and giggled at the fact that the man that I wanted in my home…was really here.
I felt like a schoolgirl…fiddlin’ with my hair and straightening my shirt and trying to find the most sexy, yet cute way to sit on the couch. Jumped from couch to loveseat to see which would be better. I settled on the couch and sat to one end to see if he’d sit by me or…sit somewhere closer to the other end.
He chose to practically sit on top of me with his damp body.
I wanted to ask him if he wanted me to rub baby oil on his smooth chocolatemuscles back, but ended up just sitting there watching him while contracting my coochie muscles in anticipation of what I would one day feel when I decided that I wanted him between my legs. I didn't want to risk molesting him on my couch...in the livingroom...while in the middle of a World Series game...
But here he was...with nothing but a towel around his waist...and my actions were...stuttered. I froze up.
So, I just sat on my hands and we sat and watched the World Series…we talked about randomness, much of what I don’t remember because I swear I only heard what I wanted to hear and most of what I thought he said…was no where near what he said.
I heard, "I like you, I like you, I like you…aaaaa llloooootttt Bloopty!"
…and then around 2am he looks at me and I could see that things were about to go another direction and I wasn’t sure if all that I had anticipated, was really what I was ready for right at this moment.
You see, I wanted him sexually when I met him. Wanted to taste him and touch him and feel the weight of his body on me as he he slowly went in and...
...but now that that could very well happen this night...I was caught off guard. I didn't think it would happen this soon...I wasn't ready. Not mentally.
You see, it was much easier to just want him; crave him...without any real follow through.
I know...I've been told time and time again that I am a...contradiction.
The only time I've ever been this way was with the last Gemini I was with. The one who I wanted to marry, who wanted to marry me...the relationship I sabatoged apurpose. The one man that I'd probably get misty-eyed if I ever saw again.
I already knew but I asked anyway…”you aren’t going home, are you?” And he nodded his head no and told me he was tired from moving. I wanted him to stay. But, now that it was time for him to actually lay his head in my bed…I was scurred.
Silly I know, but…silly I am.
We moved into the bedroom and his big body took up my entire bed…but I climbed over that big ol' chocolate mountain and we went to sleep, with me half on him and him half smothering me with his big trunk of an arm. It felt good.
With that said. It also felt awkward and I woke up wishing he had driven the 2 hours back home the night before. At least he doesn't snore.
I am only 5’5…but when I sleep, I sleep all over my entire bed. Having someone in my bed just irritates me sometimes. In this single life, I haven't gotten used to waking up to someones face. I know I will one day but...
I can see at this point in my life that if I ever got married again, I am going to need to have a guest room because the first couple ofyears months…I am not going to like sleeping next to someone every night. I need my space.
Next day…
I got a phone call from someone even sweeter than Sexy Chocolate.
Hopefully I will be able to see the new sweetness when I get back in town.
Last night I had another strange dream…Sean Combs was in it…and he wanted me…bad. Heeheehee
Then there was this chick that I haven’t spoke to in about 4 years… And a dude I had about 3 dates with who this chick gave my blog addy to after I said something “not too nice” about him. I didn’t find that out until a year later but whatever at that point. Anyway…so in this dream…chick and dude were trying to do me dirty, so to speak. Spreading lies and sabotaging everything I was involved in. So, Diddy came over and he was all over me trying to be apart of my world…and I was like, all right then Sean. So, I made him take me to obscure spots and tried to hide him so that these two shady ass mutheffin scheisters didn’t sabotage my new love interest. The last I remember is that he bashed in the head of the chick and the dude just went away and forgot all about me. Sean and I ended up moving into my grandmothers old house and he quit the “business” and he grew old and puttered around, growing tomatoes in the backyard.
~~~~
I know I have been the slacker on not keeping up with this blog. Even when I do, it’s filled with random nothingness…and void of humor, interesting content and/or anything worthwhile…
…I just don’t have a desire to expose myself anymore… [that's not true]
…next month will be 6 months that I have lived back in NYC…and although it was the best thing for me to do at the time…a part of me wishes that I didn’t have to move. Kev and I were talking and I was mentioning to him that looking back over all the men that I had dated, or had a relationship with…I’ve never had any regrets. Well that holds true for all but one. I regret ever having met the person, from the beginning of the year, from the past year and a half. I don’t feel any anger or angst towards him…I just regret the time that could have been better spent doing something else…anything…even knitting or say…picking boogers.
Anything would have been better than wasting time with him. Nothing can be done about it now…
I am off to the Dugout, across from the Yankee stadium, to watch (what I know will be) the last game of the World Series. I am sure I will be tipsy before the game ever starts. I will need to pace myself…lol
Go Yankees!
That would leave others resenting me and sooner than later I’d drop off the invite list. I’d rather be imperfect…and be comforted by the fact that we are all imperfect instead of thinking about being that one muthaeffa that’s walking around all extra perfect and
Reminds me of a conversation Zed and I had about being the middle of the middle. [Stratification, October 26th, 2006]
Lately, I find myself finding reasons to use words like lest and shall or unbeknownst and thou. I think it’s my unconscious way of preserving a romantic time of speaking. I also find myself using pet names that make no sense…and I use them at the end of every text I send…
I am headed to Louisville this weekend.
I think I am spending entirely too much time back in the DC area. Matter of fact, I have gone back and visited more since I moved back to NYC then I did in the months before I moved to MD.
I met a man. We've had some dates. I named him Sexy Chocolate. He’s 6’3, with a formidable hard sexy body…and he’s a pretty dark skinned hunk of lovin’. You know, chocolate is a natural aphrodisiac. And when I met him...all I wanted to do was roll around in his chocolateness...immerse myself in him. He was everything I liked and despite the fact that he was a gemini...I wanted him bad. No, bad!
Our first date I think I kept one of my body parts touching one of his body parts the majority of the evening.
Being with him made me want to see...well...I was ready to see if I was ready. Not like make a commitment or anything…but…just to see if I might be open to all that it might come with.
Budda, S.C. has convinced me that…
I am ready to have someone around but not necessarily for the commitment thing.
Then again, I am putting too much emphasis on “commitment”…I think that is always the part that scares me. Like…I’m really going to have to stay committed even if I don’t like you anymore?!?
The other night I made dinner. He came over after helping his sister move all day so he jumped in the shower. I closed the door to the hallway that leads to the bathroom and I sat in the livingroom and giggled at the fact that the man that I wanted in my home…was really here.
I felt like a schoolgirl…fiddlin’ with my hair and straightening my shirt and trying to find the most sexy, yet cute way to sit on the couch. Jumped from couch to loveseat to see which would be better. I settled on the couch and sat to one end to see if he’d sit by me or…sit somewhere closer to the other end.
He chose to practically sit on top of me with his damp body.
I wanted to ask him if he wanted me to rub baby oil on his smooth chocolate
But here he was...with nothing but a towel around his waist...and my actions were...stuttered. I froze up.
So, I just sat on my hands and we sat and watched the World Series…we talked about randomness, much of what I don’t remember because I swear I only heard what I wanted to hear and most of what I thought he said…was no where near what he said.
I heard, "I like you, I like you, I like you…aaaaa llloooootttt Bloopty!"
…and then around 2am he looks at me and I could see that things were about to go another direction and I wasn’t sure if all that I had anticipated, was really what I was ready for right at this moment.
You see, I wanted him sexually when I met him. Wanted to taste him and touch him and feel the weight of his body on me as he he slowly went in and...
...but now that that could very well happen this night...I was caught off guard. I didn't think it would happen this soon...I wasn't ready. Not mentally.
You see, it was much easier to just want him; crave him...without any real follow through.
I know...I've been told time and time again that I am a...contradiction.
The only time I've ever been this way was with the last Gemini I was with. The one who I wanted to marry, who wanted to marry me...the relationship I sabatoged apurpose. The one man that I'd probably get misty-eyed if I ever saw again.
I already knew but I asked anyway…”you aren’t going home, are you?” And he nodded his head no and told me he was tired from moving. I wanted him to stay. But, now that it was time for him to actually lay his head in my bed…I was scurred.
Silly I know, but…silly I am.
We moved into the bedroom and his big body took up my entire bed…but I climbed over that big ol' chocolate mountain and we went to sleep, with me half on him and him half smothering me with his big trunk of an arm. It felt good.
With that said. It also felt awkward and I woke up wishing he had driven the 2 hours back home the night before. At least he doesn't snore.
I am only 5’5…but when I sleep, I sleep all over my entire bed. Having someone in my bed just irritates me sometimes. In this single life, I haven't gotten used to waking up to someones face. I know I will one day but...
I can see at this point in my life that if I ever got married again, I am going to need to have a guest room because the first couple of
Next day…
I got a phone call from someone even sweeter than Sexy Chocolate.
Hopefully I will be able to see the new sweetness when I get back in town.
Last night I had another strange dream…Sean Combs was in it…and he wanted me…bad. Heeheehee
Then there was this chick that I haven’t spoke to in about 4 years… And a dude I had about 3 dates with who this chick gave my blog addy to after I said something “not too nice” about him. I didn’t find that out until a year later but whatever at that point. Anyway…so in this dream…chick and dude were trying to do me dirty, so to speak. Spreading lies and sabotaging everything I was involved in. So, Diddy came over and he was all over me trying to be apart of my world…and I was like, all right then Sean. So, I made him take me to obscure spots and tried to hide him so that these two shady ass mutheffin scheisters didn’t sabotage my new love interest. The last I remember is that he bashed in the head of the chick and the dude just went away and forgot all about me. Sean and I ended up moving into my grandmothers old house and he quit the “business” and he grew old and puttered around, growing tomatoes in the backyard.
~~~~
I know I have been the slacker on not keeping up with this blog. Even when I do, it’s filled with random nothingness…and void of humor, interesting content and/or anything worthwhile…
…I just don’t have a desire to expose myself anymore… [that's not true]
…next month will be 6 months that I have lived back in NYC…and although it was the best thing for me to do at the time…a part of me wishes that I didn’t have to move. Kev and I were talking and I was mentioning to him that looking back over all the men that I had dated, or had a relationship with…I’ve never had any regrets. Well that holds true for all but one. I regret ever having met the person, from the beginning of the year, from the past year and a half. I don’t feel any anger or angst towards him…I just regret the time that could have been better spent doing something else…anything…even knitting or say…picking boogers.
Anything would have been better than wasting time with him. Nothing can be done about it now…
I am off to the Dugout, across from the Yankee stadium, to watch (what I know will be) the last game of the World Series. I am sure I will be tipsy before the game ever starts. I will need to pace myself…lol
Go Yankees!
# posted by Blah Blah Blah : 5:19 PM
Sumptin To Say:
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I never know if I'm ready. Til I'm in it. Or out of it and looking back.
I can't sleep with people anymore. I fidget and toss and turn and even if I'm dead tired I am very well aware of someone being in my space.
And more often than not, I don't like that shit.
I can't sleep with people anymore. I fidget and toss and turn and even if I'm dead tired I am very well aware of someone being in my space.
And more often than not, I don't like that shit.
@ Rich: i thought you were banned from associating yourself with my blog...lol
Thank you for coming by.
@La: I always know if I am ready. But I ignore it and carry on as if all is fine.
Sleeping with people never has me sleeping a good sleep. Cuddling is over-rated.
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Thank you for coming by.
@La: I always know if I am ready. But I ignore it and carry on as if all is fine.
Sleeping with people never has me sleeping a good sleep. Cuddling is over-rated.
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