Writing My Wrongs

I was wrestling with my purse when I answered. You know how these days, a woman carries around a suitcase trying to pass it off as a purse…well…that’s me. No lie, I need a damn flashlight to look in that bitch sometimes. I try not to put too much stuff in it because my left shoulder feels like it should belong to a gym-busting muscle man…can’t honestly say that’s too attractive on a 5’5 pocket-size chick.

I’m wrestling around looking for a pen…that has got to be in this purse which is more and more turning out to be a black hole. My focus was on getting the thought, the line, the verse, the story, down on paper before it disappeared from my mindspace. Like it usually does.

So…I wasn’t paying attention to what he was asking. I tend to listen to men selectively. I take it all in fast but only respond to key words…but reality is…everything sounds like blah blah blah to me unless I am concentrating…or care.
So without really listening to the importance of the question…
I answered.
But as I am excavating my purse…it hit me. His silence.
So I catch myself before I take pause. I can’t just stop and turn to him and try to smooth over the situation like warm honey on soft skin, so I keep digging for my pen.
I silently curse myself.
He’s such a sensitive and accommodating man.
However,
Damage is done at this point and as much as I’d like to make him feel better about the words I used [it’s always about semantics, is it not?]
I can’t.

“Do you like me?”

“On occasion.”


Ok…so here’s the deal. I could have said a lot more than that but really…if you have to ask then you probably know the answer.
It’s that 6th sense we grow up with…the one that keeps us from dismantling the wall.
He knows where I am but… He thinks or rather, wants to be the enforcer.
He’s trying to shut down my interaction with other men, and I admire his tenacity but…
I gave him the Bloopty handbook when we met…set out the rules in chapter1 section 2A and 2B titled What to Expect When You Shouldn’t Be Expecting, 2A. I am not emotionally available for long term so you best be mighty happy with short term and 2B. Don’t ask me no damn questions about feelings or intentions. Such as, do you like me, do you miss me, where do you see this relationship going.
He’s trying to make me dependant on him for my wants, my needs. Trying to buy me things…and if he’s not careful, I may take advantage of all that he has to offer…which is not who I am trying to be. I’ve turned over a new leaf so to speak…for lack of a better euphemism. I am not trying to use anyone…but he really needs to stop with all the offers…I mean damn…I can only say “no” for so long before I start saying yes, all the time and have him handing over his paycheck.
He’s inviting me to family holiday functions, which of course I am not going. And what is it with men taking random women around to meet their family members? Yes, yes…at this point…I am that random chick, well I should be. I sure haven’t proven myself worthy of meeting friends and family. Maybe for guys that’s not a big deal. Maybe.

…but yet, he still asks the question.

I had an answer for him…but it would have been a waste of breath.
A man doesn’t want to hear that he’s one of 7 on the roster. Hell…a woman doesn’t want to hear that shit either. There was no reason to go into that type of detail…especially with a man that I won’t kiss…and when I am with him, I make sure to put my hands in my pocket so he won’t reach for them as we walk, hell I do that even when we are sitting in the car. I am terrible at this dating thing right now

So my selective hearing only heard the words…I wasn’t listening to his question.

"Do you like me?"

"On occasion."

Sidenote: I know I mention this pic all the time but I swear I luvs Secretary. When she's master bating in bed and she's moaning out...cup of creamed spinach, 4 peas...it's priceless. Or when she's in the bathroom at work master bating and she is quietly saying...cock, mayonaise, excrement.