Writing My Wrongs

It started out as a good day… had plans to do a couple of things. One was to pick up some boxes but by the time I got there…they were out and I was going to have to go somewhere else to pick them up. So I figured that I would do that tomorrow.
Next was the stop at the post office to put in a change of address…and to get my mail. Well…to my surprise…my box was empty. This is the same POB that he had gotten for me when I was in California last year. So I am stressed because…from what I know, he is spiteful enough to hold my mail as hostage. Which it turns out he did.

So then from there my day went down the drain and thoughts of spending the afternoon out at my friends pool were slowly dwindling away. I could no longer focus on conversation and could no longer be happy today.
Phone call after phone call…I had been avoiding in the past couple of days…but 27 calls later…today, I finally answered a call…and I guess he felt like creating hell on earth today.

Check this out:
If I crash my own car…but get mad at you for me crashing my car…
What would that make me? Sort of delusional and a little crazy?
But of course he doesn’t see that.
So all the lies that he’s told…he’s actually mad at me for catching him and calling him on his lies. He’s essentially mad at me for him lying and him cheating on his wife. A piece of work. I can’t be bothered with his level of insanity.
The phone calls and the texts…well, I could deal with that because I could just ignore them. But this other stuff …well…
I’ve never dealt with drama like that before. I mean…I’m just extra on the side…why so much emotion for someone that meant nothing to you??
My house-mates were fed up with the drama and they called the police…of course, he left before they came.

Arrghh, I can’t fathom the hate or the need to hold onto it. If I meant nothing to him as he says…then why not just walk away...
I have walked away without any desire to reach out to him for anything. Why is it so easy for me to walk away? Did I not love him?

In the very end… his actions aren’t surprising and I sort of figured he'd react in some way like this. He’s gone through his rollercoaster of emotions and I knew that he’d end it with anger/hate. I just didn’t realize the extreme actions. Actions that he could have left well enough alone with me…and lied his way through with his wife.
It’s like for the past 5 days he’s been trying to convince me that he loves me, begging to see me and expressing how much he missed me…since I was his shot at a different life; different than what he’d been in for 13 years…but then when I didn’t respond to his contacting me, he decided he had to make good with his wife since he was probably about to lose both of us. He’d rather have someone than no one at all.
His performance today was Oscar worthy...I know that it wasn't for me, it was for her. He needed to disrespect me, to make himself look good. He had done the same thing with me when he spoke about her. Listed all the things bad about her, to make me stay with him. He's transparent, yet she doesn't see it.

I hope he recognized that there were so many things I didn’t reveal to his wife when she/they called me; they put me on speaker phone.
She wanted to know about him and I…so that was what I gave her. I didn’t mention the other things that could have done equal if not more damage to a situation that was already volatile. I took responsibility in the part I played in all of this.
He could justify it all he wanted, as he does...but I take resposibility for my own actions without trying to deflect.
She has accepted him and his version of the truth for so long, so many years…me exposing some of his bad wouldn’t have made a difference. I knew as he told me, that she would stand by her man. He told me she would never leave him; he said she wasn’t strong enough to live without him. That's why he was leaving her.
She said she’d pray for me, I told her she should and she should also pray for herself, her husband and her marriage.
No matter how much God is in her…and how much the “covenant of God covers her house”, she has to wonder if her prayer is being heard if her husband has been cheating on her for 11 of the 13 years they have been married.
I hope she gave him more than an earful…I hope she slapped the shit out of him for making her have to go through this. I am just surprised she didn’t know about the other woman. I can’t fathom my husband sleeping away from home 3-4 times a week and not knowing that something is going on… Or the fact that another woman has been driving your husbands car for a good part of a year and you have seen her in it.
I used to think she was dumb and naïve. I still think she is a little naïve but I also think she wanted to believe the lie so bad that she didn’t want to question the absurdity of his reason. Just like me.
He played her…just like he played me.
But to him…I am the one that’s in the wrong…

I was debating if I’d delete all the post that involved him. I’ve already deleted every picture. But then I thought about it… I am not going to be ashamed for loving him because the “person” and “life” that he described to me, was who I fell in love with. Was I bamboozled, yes maybe…was I in denial, yes admittedly… was I lead to believe something other than the truth, hell yes.
My post that deal with him for the past two years will remain…and I will be able to go back and look at what I have experienced and be able to be ok with this outcome. I am not mad anymore…or hating anymore…I am just tired and I just hope he leaves me alone.

I have blocked his numbers from my phone...and my sons, so that he doesn't bother them. I have blocked his email address. I am moving out of town. I recognize my part in this chaos and no longer care about whether he takes responsibility for his actions. I no longer care for anything other than just moving forward. I can’t look in the past anymore concerning this experience. What’s done is done and now… I won’t dwell on it anymore.
So…this will be the last post that addresses him and our past relationship.
Unless of course he does something else...in which case, it would be just a documentation of evnets, for myself on the world wide web.
Afterall, I am not sure how far he is willing to go to make his point to his wife, so for safety issues...

We are better off not liking each other and he has shown me he was right… I was just the good time...and his wife is his lifetime…I have no problem with his definition of what our time was. He should focus on her like he should have been doing all along and I need to focus on me…since I have my fair share to atone for…

Alli are you ok?… Are you ok?…Alli are you ok? Are you ok Alli?

I honestly feel like I have not gotten the required amount of sleep that Bloopty needs to be…nice, calm and cool…functional.
But then again…I was holed in the house at the beginning of the week sleeping my days away…refusing to go anywhere in case I might get caught off guard which might have had me punching a cheating muthafucka in his lying ass mouth.
Naw, naw…I wouldn’t do that. I don’t think.


So…Thursday my cousin asked me to come along with her…and baby cousin to 6Flags…what she forgot to tell me was that it was baby cousins birthday “party”…a half a dozen of other peoples bad ass kids came along. Now anything …’scuse me, any persons under the age of 3 I can deal with...pubescent junior higher’s…not so much. Too much freaking energy, they talk way too much and way to fast…and inevitably a little girls is going to want to braid my hair or sit up under me like I am her new BFF…
I ain’t down for kids over the age of 3 unless they are mine.

So we are out at 6Flags in Largo and it’s hot and it’s a beautiful day and I am wading in the water and thinking…funny how things work out…I was suppose to be at another Theme park; Kings Dominion…and here I am…riding rides that have my stomach in my throat, holding on for dear life and screaming on roller coasters… I thanked my cousin because that is definitely what I needed…some levity to a heavy 7 days. I got more sun and before you know it I was making BFF’s with a 12 year old…we road side by side on one ride and as I screamed and she laughed at me…we connected and from that one ride…the remaining 5 hours spent at the park…she went from knowing me as JDan ‘s cousin to now…”auntie”…
I’m bad like that…cool like that…
Just another part of me.

It was there that Oldest called me and asked me if I’d seen the news about Michael…I hadn’t. He told me he was dead…and of course I told him to get home and google it…to see if it was true. I hung up and text Ms. Hollywood…My auntie AJ. She confirmed and from there…I started getting text all day long

One of my memorable moments with MJ singing in the background…or rather in my head…I’d say I was too young for my current long standing personal theme music of Sweet Sticky Thing.
But when I was 13…I was out at the amusement in Cal and I was waiting in line to get on a ride and this boy who was working the ride kept staring at me. His negligent ass got up from the ride and came over to talk to me and all he kept calling me was a PYT (Pretty Young Thing)… I was embarrassed and thrilled all at the same time. I went home that day and every day after that and played that song and dreamed what it would be like to have a boyfriend…the what if’s of that afternoon had I been bold and gave the ride handler my number. PYT was my theme music at 13.
Ah, Michael and the memories he left behind.
I had the poster of him in his white clothes with the yellow sleeveless sweater…I used to kiss that poster every night before bed.



We finally left a park after hours and hours…and I spent more money than I planned.
I had been up since 6:30 and went to bed way too late… I had to be up early on Friday to catch the bus to NYC… had some business that needed to be handled before I make a change… It was a turn around because I had to be back for breakfast with my aunties on Saturday morning. It was supposed to be the last one I would attend before our family reunion in a couple of months.
I got to NYC at 11:30am and took care of my business and then had a couple of hours to spare… I hadn’t let anyone know I was coming and those that I did I was vague about the particulars…it was a turn-around trip so wasn’t looking to hang out or make conversation like that… was gonna sneak in and out…be that Smooth Criminal.
All thru NYC they are remembering the King of Pop…I had to take this picture so that I’d have something to have years from now…to remember…



I had 2 hours to spare and ended up at Local…sat out and enjoyed the day and drank 3 martini’s…ordered a plate of nachos and ppl watched. Then I made my way back to the bus…it was an hour late…but before that it …STORMED…hard, with lightening…while I am across from Madison Square Garden…out. In. the. Freaking. Rain. Waiting. On . the. Damn. Bus!
Got back to DC at 1230 and walked the streets of DC on a Friday night and realized…I haven’t given this place a chance to grow on me. I’d always been caught up, everywhere I went, everyone I met...I was never alone and now I have the chance to see it in a total different view. But I realized that to stay would be settling and as the saying go… Don’t stop ‘til you get enough…so I am leaving and it’s time to get mine on the way. It is time to Beat It.

Got home at 130am and asleep by 230 to wake up at 530am… I was headed to Petersburg. Yea, that’s what I thought too…da hell is Petersburg? And why is it Peters? I slept in the car…a two hour ride…for freaking breakfast.

We ate and talked and laughed.
All the aunties and my cousin…remembering stories…and I actually found out that my dad and two of my uncles beat down one of my granny’s husbands back in the day. Apparently said husband thought he had the right to lay hands on his wife. I guess he forgot she had 5 sons…3 of which commence to beating his ass and throwing him out of the house then beating him down on the lawn. Gotta Be Startin’ Something…he wanted to be starting something.
My daddy? Beating some ass? Some grown man ass?
He’s BAD…he’s bad.
Heeheehee

It took us 3.5 hours to get back from Petersburgh…so DC Carribbean day festival…shot. The DC BBQ festival…shot.
I did make it out to National Harbor to the Recess: Ice Cream Social for adults…game night at the W. It was fun... Genuine fun. I was hoping and praying I wasn’t going to feel pressured to be something I didn’t want to be since this the harbor, is his and his friends hang out. Thankfully I saw no one and if they saw me… they didn’t say anything to me…bunch of fucking sadist that the are. The pressure would have made me Scream.

Ray Ray “Pookie” Johnson called me and wanted me to come into DC to have a drink but…I wasn’t trying to be out all night since my plan is to go to church tomorrow. I am just trying to get out a little while I am still here and enjoy my last couple of days here. Told Pookie and dem that I would meet up with him tomorrow and maybe we could catch the last leg of the Caribbean fest…if it doesn’t rain. I need to be in front of a tv at 9 for TrueBlood…and also for whatever tribute BET is going to give MJ at their awards show.

My mind is at peace and my heart has healed. In close to 2 years, I really don’t know truth from lie and will never know…so I have literally put it out of my mind. I have not shed a tear or hated anyone. I was just disappointed and thought how pathetic ones life has to be, to maliciously use someone’s goodness and heart to manipulate their love, for his own comfort. Now I just shake my head and when people ask…I shrug my shoulders and I no longer have words for a situation that no longer exist for me. Everybody’s Somebody’s Fool…at some point.

I am good. No…I am better than good…and better still as days go by and I am ok in knowing I held up my side of the bargain from the very beginning. I have nothing to be sorry for and I have found closure on my own.

I had a talk with my father a week before I left for California for the graduation. Told him that it was time and that I was ready. He supported my decision regardless of how he felt about the topic. He thinks that there is a “toxic and destructive” ring around my personal relationship. I did too but…he put it into words, whereas, I only had a feeling for the definition.

I went to California with little emotions and feelings. Other than being in the presence of my boys and the proud celebration of being there…I was less than mediocre as a companion. I was hoping that when he said he was going to catch an early flight back…that he would. As awkward as it would be to explain that…it was to be the best decision…had he done it.

As I sit here and am thinking about all the times I’ve took one step away…I think of all the times he has taken 3 toward me. I kept running into him and was never to be rid of him. To be completely honest…I love the man. Do still. But he was right, I don’t like him anymore. Is that possible? Well, it is for me. I cry almost every time we are together. I have been trying to maintain a friendship, no sex, no kissing, no touching…hoping we could move into that realm. ‘Cause overall, he is a good friend…to me…but a horrible person to be in love with. I remember him once asking me if I was able to have someone love me. I answered yes…and I meant it. But now as I sit here…the answer required more than just a yes or no.
So although we have spent every day together since we came back from California last week…I realize that we are both victims of circumstance. We would not be together if we were happy with our lives. Of course I speak for him…I know this. But I know him in some instances better than he knows himself. For instance I know…he is a liar. I know that his moral compass is far more skewed than anyone I have ever ever met. I know that he needs therapy because his path is destroying lives…yes, that’s plural.

Now I can go on telling you about the bullshit of dreams deferred and love lost and wrongs that were never …writed/righted…
But to be real…

None of this could have happened without my participation. I can and do take responsibility for the love, the stank and the demise of the relationship. It’s not like living and loving was new to me but it was never in this atmosphere and never totally amoral…I say that because I know my ass has been in many a relationship, for many a wrong reason…least of them being because I actually liked a muthafucka. But this shit right here was different.

I don’t think I could ever think of an instance where I didn’t like the sex…or complained about it not being good…and on occasion…better than better than good good. The things we’ve done in the places in the positions…yea, no one could ever say anything about us not being creative…but dick ain’t never made me stay in any relationship. Ever. My motto has always been that there was always bigger and better out there.
I say that to say…love is a muthafucka in and of itself that made me put Bloopty on hold. Literally, just put Bloop on hold and go on living life…as his life. Or as my father put it… “inconvenienced myself to make his life more convenient”….gee daddy, thanks for breaking it down and making me look stupid…lol
But isn’t that what love is at it’s basic…stupidity. Yea, I know…if Bloop was jaded before she met Dude…she’s about to be an asshole now that she’s done with Dude. Any man that encounters me from this point out is going to have it rough as a result of this situation..not fair but I come with some baggage that I can't just wont be able to shake soon. I shake my head at that because back to that question about… being able to have someone love me…
The answer is…not so sure anymore.
But then again…this move…
Well…I may be ok with living that single life again…
Multiple dates…men in every shade of the chocolate rainbow…and for once in my life...I may even try the shades in the vanilla rainbow too.
But for now…
I am single as a dolla bill…rolling solo bolo. Which is ok. It’s ok to take a moment and concentrate on me…without extra to take my focus somewhere else.
.
I ran…literally (because of circumstances) away from this relationship that has lasted 688 days. I didn’t end it pretty…was rather sloppy…and dangerous.
I was somewhere I probably shouldn't have been...and someone told me some things that I shouldn't have heard...but once they had, I couldn't just go on pretending like we had been...I HAD to find out for myself, I just needed to see “truth” for myself since lies were all I was told. I needed to see for myself how “bad” things were.
I found out that things were nothing like he said…that all was good… I didn’t end it pretty but it is the end. I knew once I walked through that door, we could never ever ever go back to the past. But I made a conscious decision and that decision was going to put a nail in the coffin, even if I wanted to go back, he'd not have me.
I walked into my present at 204 and by 4am I’d walked out of my past and into my future.

I have gotten support from everyone I have told…and the prevailing comment from most is that they are proud of me for doing what I did, although it was sort of Fatal Attraction-ish…a little blackout-crazy…but… Proud because I did something that was going to make me have to leave well enough alone with no regrets, something I should have left 10 months ago. Most had held their tongue but now that it was done…I heard all sorts of comments and all of them helped reinforce my unthinkable actions. The morning I made my move, it was all rather comedic...until certain little people had entered the picture...but grown facial expressions were classic. I know, I shouldn't be laughing but...it was such a horrible situation that it made it a dram-edy.

Slish asked… How does it feel to be free?

It’s sad, very sad...'cause love just doesn't go away but I feel better day by day…it’s only the nights when I am alone that I sit and think about what it was…what it could have been without the lies… doesn't help that I have a ridiculous amount of pictures of him and I, or him and the boys...
...but then reality creeps up on me… and it's clear as day that...
It was never going to be anything more than what it was…some bullshit that didn’t require my presence. Let the next chick deal with that shit. I know I deserve better…even alone…I deserve better from myself!

I hope Dude and his entire family lots of luck and love. I am completely and without a doubt unable and unwilling to go back to Dude. He will never have to worry about me again for the rest of his life. There is a thin line between love and hate but… I saw what I needed to see and now…I wipe my hands and in time my memory of everything.
I can truely say, at this moment, that he was my greatest love ever...but now he is a non-issue…and soon, non-existent to me.

I needed to get out of VA so I packed my bag and for now I'm back in my beloved Apple. I looked into flights to Jamaica...just me...just to...exhale so to speak.

Our last outting... outdoor movies at National Harbor...

Casablanca

I took Dude out to Ocean Beach in San Francisco so he could "touch" the Pacific Ocean. I thought that was rather ironic...my father has touched every Ocean/Sea on this earth... They are both Aries. I guess that is their "thing"...touching wet stuff...lol
Below, the waves hitting the rocks...



East Oaklands finest...lol Some of my family, Dude and I went to a free concert in the park... Headliner...Lenny Williams. My uncle met up with him a few years back and wrote an article on him. So before the concert started he walked Dude and I over to meet him. Below is him singing...
I I I I luuuuuv you....



I realized that I had more pics with ppl in them...this is about all I have without a face...lol So, that is it of my photoblog.

I flew in tonight amidst a lightening storm that had us sitting on the tarmac for at least 45 minutes. I sat there and felt nothing other than dread. Dread at having to return to a place that has shown me more heartache and pain in the 10 months I have been here than in the 30 plus years I have lived on this earth.

Everytime I have been away… I have yearned for my bed, in my city. Flying into Oakland International Airport…as the plane makes it’s way from the south so I end up flying over the backyards that house huge blue swimming pools in Palo Alto on up to San Leandro…I start thinking of who I am going to call the moment we set down. Thinking of who I am going to hook up with…so I can tell all about my trip…so we can share a drink or two with some laughs.

Same goes for flying into JFK…viewing the city as it loops around Manhattan, up into Westchester then back again as it makes it’s decent over Rikers Island to hit the tarmac in Queens…
I am anticipating who I will be seeing or who I will be talking to. Wondering what is going on in Harlem that night or …just waiting to take my shower and lay in my own bed as the breeze filters through my window as I watch tv until I fall asleep with no thoughts of picking up my phone.

Trips to California, Florida, Boston, Denver, Puerto Rico and all in between…I was always excited to be back in my town and sleeping in my bed.

But not this trip. I didn’t want to be back here. Would have rather lived out of my suitcase for a month straight then return to my “home”. I felt only a slow seeping, inky and desolate feeling of loss and abandonment, longing and dreading, fear and shame

All this based off some dick. I actually moved here for some dick…that wasn’t mine and was never going to be mine. I masked it as me moving here for my Oldest to go to college. Wanting my plan for his life to be what he should want too. But somewhere in the back of my mind… I think I have been in denial…lying to myself. I fell in love. Deep love and knee deep in some sappy shit. So I moved. Granted, I have always said I might move down to Maryland but…out of nowhere…I was here. I got here and literally…my little bit of sanity was stripped right from under me.
I found out AFTER I moved here that he was married and living at home with 1 wife, 2 kids and 2 dogs. The me that I used to be…before love and whatnot…well that me would have said “fuck you” and kept it moving. But the thing about love…real love…it makes it hard to walk away from a situation that your mind hasn’t fully wrapped its head around and made sense of.
Me? You lied to ME? ME? I am the extra on the side, the jump-off, the side piece…ME?



So pride, love, longing, desperation had me staying in something that was never going to be a blessing. Had me making decisions based off of…bullshit. Had me drowning in self-pity. Had me depressed but not wanting to leave my situation because I needed him to love me the way I loved him and I needed him to want me. I mean, after all, I had endured so much emotionally, and spiritually…I should reap the benefits of him neeeeeeding me the way I felt I needed him. I required that he loose himself in me and by him doing that…I was justified in staying because…you see…he loved me too. Right?

So I moved to this place…endured some criminal shit, paid my dues and tried to stay on the straight and narrow even though…I was consciously staying in this relationship with this married man.
I lowered my standards and my beliefs and set aside what normally would have been deal-breakers… in self-denial at the conscious decision that I was literally breaking up someone’s home by my presence. I tried to justify it by saying the marriage was doomed long before I came into the picture. After all, he was leaving her, moving out...so he said. Tried to jump bad by saying if he didn’t respect the marriage why should I.
And yet…truth reared its head to me in the delirium of my mind and told me…
You have given up many a blessing in the past 2 years to a man that has no respect for you or his wife. You’ve given up on your morals and principles to be in the presence of a man who has nothing to lose. His gain is my demise.

So as I sat on the tarmac, in the lightening storm next to this man…I realized I wasn’t happy to be back home…and I contemplated my life…the here and now of what my life is and was… I realize that I have lost myself and not loved myself and I hurt myself to be in something that could never be a blessing… whether it be material, spiritual or emotional. I have gained nothing since I have moved here. But I have lost more than I can imagine. And because of this experience, I will never be who I was… good, bad or indifferent…I can never be the same.