Monday, February 27, 2006
Ingredients
Ingredients:
Digital camera
Home computer
Futon2 month old throw blanket
New apartment
Repeat behavior
___________
You've been my man for 2 years.
You have a good job that has you working hard...sometimes long hours.
Sometimes out of town.
I live 20 minutes away from you (on a good day 15 minutes)I don't have a car.
I am not from here.
_________________
I notice that you have your camera out.
You've been taking some new pictures?
You get figgity.
No, I haven't.
Haven't used that thing in months.
Can I use your computer?
Yes.Thank you.
Your tired, you go lay down.
______________
First place I hit is "My Pictures"
New photos... wrong date on camera stamp, but correct date for computer.
I go to your history.
You have automatic sign on for some account.
I click on your automatic sign in.
It's an account for a dating service.
I go to your inbox.
You've been sending out emails to women.
You've sent out your phone number.
You've set up some dates.
They have sent you some pictures.
I can't find them.I go to your Start menu.
Click on Search.Request "files and folders".
Type in Temporary files.Wait.
Folder of temporary internet files comes up.I open it.
Start clicking on the different files.
I see the pictures.
Pictures of you.
Pictures of women.
In your new apartment.
Curled up in the new throw blanket we bought.
Propping her ass up on that pillow on your couch (the one I picked out).
I see her holding on to the futon frame.
I see your reflection in the mirror above the futon where you took a picture of her ass at you hit it from the back.
I see the date/time you downloaded it to your computer.
I see the last time you looked at it.
I close out.
Go back to your site that has your automatic sign in.
Go to your profile and edit it.
Then I change your password.
I log off.I close the window.
I go to your Word program.
"New document"I type you a simple message.
I leave it open for next time you come to your computer.
It will be the first thing you see
._________________
I come into the bedroom.
I take off my pants and my panties.
I stroke you until your hard.
I ride you just as hard.I get off.
Get dressed.You ask.
You try to talk.
But I have....
No words.
I leave.
_____________
I never come back.
__________________
Do I hate you?
Do I want you dead?
No.
You no longer exist to me.
You no longer matter.
_______________
You call.I don't answer.
You send me cards to my job.
I don't read them and throw them away.
You sit outside my home.
I look at you but I don't see you.
I keep walking.
_____________________
You no longer exist to me.
Digital camera
Home computer
Futon2 month old throw blanket
New apartment
Repeat behavior
___________
You've been my man for 2 years.
You have a good job that has you working hard...sometimes long hours.
Sometimes out of town.
I live 20 minutes away from you (on a good day 15 minutes)I don't have a car.
I am not from here.
_________________
I notice that you have your camera out.
You've been taking some new pictures?
You get figgity.
No, I haven't.
Haven't used that thing in months.
Can I use your computer?
Yes.Thank you.
Your tired, you go lay down.
______________
First place I hit is "My Pictures"
New photos... wrong date on camera stamp, but correct date for computer.
I go to your history.
You have automatic sign on for some account.
I click on your automatic sign in.
It's an account for a dating service.
I go to your inbox.
You've been sending out emails to women.
You've sent out your phone number.
You've set up some dates.
They have sent you some pictures.
I can't find them.I go to your Start menu.
Click on Search.Request "files and folders".
Type in Temporary files.Wait.
Folder of temporary internet files comes up.I open it.
Start clicking on the different files.
I see the pictures.
Pictures of you.
Pictures of women.
In your new apartment.
Curled up in the new throw blanket we bought.
Propping her ass up on that pillow on your couch (the one I picked out).
I see her holding on to the futon frame.
I see your reflection in the mirror above the futon where you took a picture of her ass at you hit it from the back.
I see the date/time you downloaded it to your computer.
I see the last time you looked at it.
I close out.
Go back to your site that has your automatic sign in.
Go to your profile and edit it.
Then I change your password.
I log off.I close the window.
I go to your Word program.
"New document"I type you a simple message.
I leave it open for next time you come to your computer.
It will be the first thing you see
._________________
I come into the bedroom.
I take off my pants and my panties.
I stroke you until your hard.
I ride you just as hard.I get off.
Get dressed.You ask.
You try to talk.
But I have....
No words.
I leave.
_____________
I never come back.
__________________
Do I hate you?
Do I want you dead?
No.
You no longer exist to me.
You no longer matter.
_______________
You call.I don't answer.
You send me cards to my job.
I don't read them and throw them away.
You sit outside my home.
I look at you but I don't see you.
I keep walking.
_____________________
You no longer exist to me.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
I'm ALIVE
When I walked into today...I had a laptop on my desk. Apparently my job has given me a laptop...a small Sony Vaio...nothing spectacular but nothing to complain about as well.
Now here's a little background on my job.... I DO JACK SHIT AT WORK BUT CRUISE THE INTERNET. However, they felt that I wasn't doing enough of that at work so they gave me a laptop to eff around with at home.
That works in my favor, for the simple reason that...I do not log on at home. I want NO evidence of me having used Dipset's computer. I don't want him tracking back and seeing all the sites I have been to. Granted, I think that I am rather good at stealth-mode on the computer...deleting files...temporary internet files and erasing my history...but either way...as computer savvy as DipSet ISN'T....would be just my luck his no-computer-skill-having self will run across THIS here blog....and man ol' man...don't think he'd be too happy about that.
So it's great that I have my own laptop to work on.
Thing is...this only proves to me how forgetful and idiotic the people at my job are. All during the summer last year we were all working from home. I was using MY own laptop. PLUS, my job just GAVE me a computer last year. My laptop is in storage and I never hooked up the home computer.... either way...I have me a laptop...Correction: I have 2 laptops and a desk top. Gonna give it to my girl Michelle and have her "hook me up" with some software. Although, since I work for a Tech company....it pretty much has everything on it.
SO now...I need a company car and a corporate A.merican E.xpress card....LOL
Back in the day when I was with Hoody (nickname inspired by Niki), I learned alot of stuff effing around with him. Not necessarily on his computer but because of him. I had to learn shit that he didn't know....because he was the most lying-est, computer-staying-on, always-IMing-est person I have ever met. This idiot thought he was hiding shit...but actuality...he wasn't. Found out on his computer that he was still fucking around with his ex, taking pics on his digital camera and loading them to his computer and composing Word documents for his ex's/fucks/bitches....he always thought he could get away with it...but time stamps usually fucked him up...as well as revised shit that he had saved to files he didn't even know existed. So all the things I learned, I have made sure that I leave no evidence of my ...foolishness on DipSet's comp. I use to and have blocked the ex from going on sites that I didn't want him on....I'd go to "Tools", "Internet Options", "Security", "Restricted Sites" and add the site I didn't want him having access to....LOL I would giggle myself crazy doing that shit. Leave it on for a couple of days....then take it off. Then when I checked his history again.....and see him going back to the site....do it again. Current has a fancy for porn sites. I can't have him using his money for that shit...after all, any money outta his pocket...is money out of my pocket!
Now here's a little background on my job.... I DO JACK SHIT AT WORK BUT CRUISE THE INTERNET. However, they felt that I wasn't doing enough of that at work so they gave me a laptop to eff around with at home.
That works in my favor, for the simple reason that...I do not log on at home. I want NO evidence of me having used Dipset's computer. I don't want him tracking back and seeing all the sites I have been to. Granted, I think that I am rather good at stealth-mode on the computer...deleting files...temporary internet files and erasing my history...but either way...as computer savvy as DipSet ISN'T....would be just my luck his no-computer-skill-having self will run across THIS here blog....and man ol' man...don't think he'd be too happy about that.
So it's great that I have my own laptop to work on.
Thing is...this only proves to me how forgetful and idiotic the people at my job are. All during the summer last year we were all working from home. I was using MY own laptop. PLUS, my job just GAVE me a computer last year. My laptop is in storage and I never hooked up the home computer.... either way...I have me a laptop...Correction: I have 2 laptops and a desk top. Gonna give it to my girl Michelle and have her "hook me up" with some software. Although, since I work for a Tech company....it pretty much has everything on it.
SO now...I need a company car and a corporate A.merican E.xpress card....LOL
Back in the day when I was with Hoody (nickname inspired by Niki), I learned alot of stuff effing around with him. Not necessarily on his computer but because of him. I had to learn shit that he didn't know....because he was the most lying-est, computer-staying-on, always-IMing-est person I have ever met. This idiot thought he was hiding shit...but actuality...he wasn't. Found out on his computer that he was still fucking around with his ex, taking pics on his digital camera and loading them to his computer and composing Word documents for his ex's/fucks/bitches....he always thought he could get away with it...but time stamps usually fucked him up...as well as revised shit that he had saved to files he didn't even know existed. So all the things I learned, I have made sure that I leave no evidence of my ...foolishness on DipSet's comp. I use to and have blocked the ex from going on sites that I didn't want him on....I'd go to "Tools", "Internet Options", "Security", "Restricted Sites" and add the site I didn't want him having access to....LOL I would giggle myself crazy doing that shit. Leave it on for a couple of days....then take it off. Then when I checked his history again.....and see him going back to the site....do it again. Current has a fancy for porn sites. I can't have him using his money for that shit...after all, any money outta his pocket...is money out of my pocket!
Friday, February 24, 2006
Wanna Hear It...Here It Goes
Instructions: ~Set Media Player (iPod Nano) to shuffle.
~Ask the following questions, and hit ‘next song’.
~The title of the song will be the answer to your question. It's not always going to make sense, but it should be fun.
Question: What do you think of me, playlist?
Answer: “Nobody Wants You When Your Down and Out” — Bobby Womack
"I use to live the life of a millionaire, spending my money honey.... As soon as my money got low...couldn't find my friends. Found myself alone."
Well damn! That's not a good sign...what's my playlist trying to tell me???? I ain't got no real friends?
Question: Will I have a happy life?
Answer: “Little Red Corvette" - Prince
"I guess I should have known by the way you parked your car sideways that it wouldn't last long... Baby, I'm way too fast....You need a love that's gonna last... Move over and give me your keys, I'm gonna take you anywhere you wanna be.... Baby you need to slow down"
I suppose this means that my life is nice and shiny to everyone looking AT me from the outside...but I am going to fast and I need to slow down in order for me to find love that's gonna last....?
Question: What do my friends really think of me?
Answer: “I can't Go On” — Tyrese"Please tell me that your coming back...I thought missing you was only for today... Why does the sunshine remind me of you... I need you in my life... Is there anything I can do to bring back my bestfriend"
Ok, this is a love song...so I'mma try and put it perspective...here I go....MY FREINDS IN CALIFORNIA ARE MISSING ME AND I NEED TO MOVE BACK TO OAKLAND
Question: Do people secretly lust after me?
Answer: “I Wanna Get Next to You'” — Rose Royce (Car Wash sountrack)
"Sitting here in my chair, waiting on you..awww baby, to see things my way... But not a word do you say say, you don't even look my way... Spending my dimes, wasting my time, talking til I am black and blue... Can't you see, I wanna get next to you... Dreams of you and I go sailing by... My money is low, and I know I can't take you to the fancy places you might wanna go... Still, I wanna get next to you... You can bend me, shape me, make me...whatever it takes to please you because your my dream come true... I wanna make you mine"
Someone that I think of as a friend, wants to be more...? Make thyself known!!!!!
Question: What should I do with my life?
Answer: “Everything Is Everything" - Lauryn Hill
"What's meant to be will be... Change comes eventually... Don't except deception instead of what is truth... Who made these rules... Fear no human being... Develope a negative into a positive... What is meant to be will be... Let's love ourselves and we can't fail to make a better situation..." Tomorrow our seeds will grow"
Daaaaamn...SELF explanitory on that song!!! Be positive, love myself and change comes eventually!
Question: Why must life be so full of pain?
Answer: “First Love" - Goapele"Six weeks into Spring is where we begin... I dreamt of fairly-tales.. I was waiting for a magical moment that would prove to me that everything would be fine... I'm making peace with you, making peace with myself..."
Get my head out of the clouds...stop fucking dreaming...life is hard as shit and that's just the way things are. There is no explaining it.
Question: How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Answer: “Hey You" - Chante Moore
Ok, this song is nothing but jibberish...which I suppose I can interpet as... fuck until I lose my mind and start talking jibber jabber and not to think about technique or he's pleasure but only of myself...lose myself in the feeling of extacy, to the point that words are not necessary.
Question: Will I ever have children?
Answer: "Heaven In My Eyes" - Jaheim
"When I look into your eyes, I see heaven in your eyes... When I look in your eyes, I can't believe your mine..."
That's how I think of the kids I already have...love those boys! And that's exactly how I felt when I looked in their eyes for the first time...I can't believe your mine!!
Question: Will I die happy?
Answer: "A Woman's Threat" - R. Kelly
"My....ups my downs...my fault my this my that..."
This song bodes ill for the end of my life....am I gonna go crazy on someone for doing some foul shit to me and end up going 51/50 on someone and be taken out by the police or some murder suicide shit?????? OR if I don't straighten up...I'mma be the one that's gonna be getting all MY shit taking from me? I am at a complete loss on this....*I almost wanna wait for the next song and apply it...but I won't, I'mma play fair..*lips all twisted and arms folded*
Question: Can you give me some advice?
Answer: "You Got the Bomb" - Brian McKnight
"Keeping the smile on my face... I just can't get enough... You keep blowing me up... Every night and day I pray..."
This is what I get for having nothing but my "personal theme" music on my iPod...lol Ok, seriously...I should keep a smile on his face and my house will be in order? Actually that's some good advice...
Question: What do you think happiness is?
Answer: "Sensuality" - Brian Culbertson
Instrumental...
So I am gonna have to interpet how this song makes me feel... Happiness is the moment right before I have an orgasm, the moment that I know that I am about to feel something that can't be described...it's about to come and I. am. excited! Happiness is knowing that I can make him feel that way too... I make him lose control for that moment in time. No empty promises, no words, no looks, just he and I elevating to another plane, where nothing else matters but that feeling...
Question: What’s my favorite fetish?
Answer: "The Greatest Sex" - R. Kelly
"From beyond this bed of mine I see, ceiling fans with you on top of me and the windows blinds are filled with rays of sun... And inside of your walls will dwell a Capricorn... The greatest touch... The greatest all night long... I know 12 ways to make your love come down... Secret places on you wil be found... I will feast on your body all night... The greatest chemistry... this is the best sex I've ever had..."
I have an ass fetish...but I took off Boo-tay by R. Kelly 2 days ago...oltherwise I AM SURE that that song would have came on for this question!!! However, since I am stuck with this one....ass + dick = The Greatest Sex LOL
This was fun...I have nothing but slow R & B songs and instrumental jazz.... so it was inevitable that I would have a hard time on most of these...trying to assimilate mushy shit with serious life shit...lol If you feel so inclined...you should do this too...make sure you let me know so I can check yours out....
~Ask the following questions, and hit ‘next song’.
~The title of the song will be the answer to your question. It's not always going to make sense, but it should be fun.
Question: What do you think of me, playlist?
Answer: “Nobody Wants You When Your Down and Out” — Bobby Womack
"I use to live the life of a millionaire, spending my money honey.... As soon as my money got low...couldn't find my friends. Found myself alone."
Well damn! That's not a good sign...what's my playlist trying to tell me???? I ain't got no real friends?
Question: Will I have a happy life?
Answer: “Little Red Corvette" - Prince
"I guess I should have known by the way you parked your car sideways that it wouldn't last long... Baby, I'm way too fast....You need a love that's gonna last... Move over and give me your keys, I'm gonna take you anywhere you wanna be.... Baby you need to slow down"
I suppose this means that my life is nice and shiny to everyone looking AT me from the outside...but I am going to fast and I need to slow down in order for me to find love that's gonna last....?
Question: What do my friends really think of me?
Answer: “I can't Go On” — Tyrese"Please tell me that your coming back...I thought missing you was only for today... Why does the sunshine remind me of you... I need you in my life... Is there anything I can do to bring back my bestfriend"
Ok, this is a love song...so I'mma try and put it perspective...here I go....MY FREINDS IN CALIFORNIA ARE MISSING ME AND I NEED TO MOVE BACK TO OAKLAND
Question: Do people secretly lust after me?
Answer: “I Wanna Get Next to You'” — Rose Royce (Car Wash sountrack)
"Sitting here in my chair, waiting on you..awww baby, to see things my way... But not a word do you say say, you don't even look my way... Spending my dimes, wasting my time, talking til I am black and blue... Can't you see, I wanna get next to you... Dreams of you and I go sailing by... My money is low, and I know I can't take you to the fancy places you might wanna go... Still, I wanna get next to you... You can bend me, shape me, make me...whatever it takes to please you because your my dream come true... I wanna make you mine"
Someone that I think of as a friend, wants to be more...? Make thyself known!!!!!
Question: What should I do with my life?
Answer: “Everything Is Everything" - Lauryn Hill
"What's meant to be will be... Change comes eventually... Don't except deception instead of what is truth... Who made these rules... Fear no human being... Develope a negative into a positive... What is meant to be will be... Let's love ourselves and we can't fail to make a better situation..." Tomorrow our seeds will grow"
Daaaaamn...SELF explanitory on that song!!! Be positive, love myself and change comes eventually!
Question: Why must life be so full of pain?
Answer: “First Love" - Goapele"Six weeks into Spring is where we begin... I dreamt of fairly-tales.. I was waiting for a magical moment that would prove to me that everything would be fine... I'm making peace with you, making peace with myself..."
Get my head out of the clouds...stop fucking dreaming...life is hard as shit and that's just the way things are. There is no explaining it.
Question: How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Answer: “Hey You" - Chante Moore
Ok, this song is nothing but jibberish...which I suppose I can interpet as... fuck until I lose my mind and start talking jibber jabber and not to think about technique or he's pleasure but only of myself...lose myself in the feeling of extacy, to the point that words are not necessary.
Question: Will I ever have children?
Answer: "Heaven In My Eyes" - Jaheim
"When I look into your eyes, I see heaven in your eyes... When I look in your eyes, I can't believe your mine..."
That's how I think of the kids I already have...love those boys! And that's exactly how I felt when I looked in their eyes for the first time...I can't believe your mine!!
Question: Will I die happy?
Answer: "A Woman's Threat" - R. Kelly
"My....ups my downs...my fault my this my that..."
This song bodes ill for the end of my life....am I gonna go crazy on someone for doing some foul shit to me and end up going 51/50 on someone and be taken out by the police or some murder suicide shit?????? OR if I don't straighten up...I'mma be the one that's gonna be getting all MY shit taking from me? I am at a complete loss on this....*I almost wanna wait for the next song and apply it...but I won't, I'mma play fair..*lips all twisted and arms folded*
Question: Can you give me some advice?
Answer: "You Got the Bomb" - Brian McKnight
"Keeping the smile on my face... I just can't get enough... You keep blowing me up... Every night and day I pray..."
This is what I get for having nothing but my "personal theme" music on my iPod...lol Ok, seriously...I should keep a smile on his face and my house will be in order? Actually that's some good advice...
Question: What do you think happiness is?
Answer: "Sensuality" - Brian Culbertson
Instrumental...
So I am gonna have to interpet how this song makes me feel... Happiness is the moment right before I have an orgasm, the moment that I know that I am about to feel something that can't be described...it's about to come and I. am. excited! Happiness is knowing that I can make him feel that way too... I make him lose control for that moment in time. No empty promises, no words, no looks, just he and I elevating to another plane, where nothing else matters but that feeling...
Question: What’s my favorite fetish?
Answer: "The Greatest Sex" - R. Kelly
"From beyond this bed of mine I see, ceiling fans with you on top of me and the windows blinds are filled with rays of sun... And inside of your walls will dwell a Capricorn... The greatest touch... The greatest all night long... I know 12 ways to make your love come down... Secret places on you wil be found... I will feast on your body all night... The greatest chemistry... this is the best sex I've ever had..."
I have an ass fetish...but I took off Boo-tay by R. Kelly 2 days ago...oltherwise I AM SURE that that song would have came on for this question!!! However, since I am stuck with this one....ass + dick = The Greatest Sex LOL
This was fun...I have nothing but slow R & B songs and instrumental jazz.... so it was inevitable that I would have a hard time on most of these...trying to assimilate mushy shit with serious life shit...lol If you feel so inclined...you should do this too...make sure you let me know so I can check yours out....
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Quarter Life Crisis
Crisis, Danger & Oppurtunity
They call it the
"Quarter-life Crisis."
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to, aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger.
You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.
One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.
Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. (Always choose to move forward!)
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot don't seem as fun.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.
We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Blah Blah Blah says...
Have you ever been with someone that made you WANT to be a better you? Ever love someone so intensely that your existence relished in making them happy? Yet, they wouldn't open themselves to let you. I have.
For such a long time love to me was a myth. Something so unbelievable, so far from reality. Didn't think it possible...Certainly wasn't plausible. Love held no weight. Love was unrealized. Until I met him and gave him my heart. He doesn't know and will never know...is that sad? For who, him or me? I've made strides in trying to show, say, live my love for you.
Have you ever been with someone that made you WANT to be a better you? Ever love someone so intensely that your existence relished in making them happy? Yet, they wouldn't open themselves to let you. I have.
For such a long time love to me was a myth. Something so unbelievable, so far from reality. Didn't think it possible...Certainly wasn't plausible. Love held no weight. Love was unrealized. Until I met him and gave him my heart. He doesn't know and will never know...is that sad? For who, him or me? I've made strides in trying to show, say, live my love for you.
Have you ever been with someone that made you WANT to be a better you? Ever love someone so intensely that your existence relished in making them happy? Yet, they wouldn't open themselves to let you. I have.
What If's
I use to leave my cell phone in my car...to prevent me from making late night phone calls.
I had....a...habit...a vice....a monkey on my back...and his name was Buc.
I met this man in my weekly (ok, NIGHTLY) neighborhood dive...The Gol.den B.e.ar in Oakland. Met him on kareoke night. Every Wednesday from 9 until.... They have bleachers along the wall on the left handside when you walk in....with a small aisle between them and the actual bar....and up on the shelves...tv's...televisions...boob-tubes. Up front they have 2 or 3 tables specifically for domino players, tables in the back were for bullshit illegal talk and basically...the nobodies-who-thought-they-were-somebodies... and for the pool hustlers. 2 pool tables in front of the bathrooms...which of course are in the back....which means...you had to walk past every fucking guy to get to the bathrooms.... past domino players, past bleacher warmers (me), past kareoke singers, past pool tables and hustlers, past idle riff raff JUST to pee...or apply lipstick!ANYAWY, I am a little tipsy...refusing to come up off my bleacher spot... fuck if I am parading around MY damn bar for these every-day-basic negroes! I use the bathroom before I come and RIGHT before I leave and that's it! Not like these other broads, who are constantly getting up and down so they can show their wears to all the menz folk. Besides, like I stated..nothing but basic negroes up in the joint...only one worth eyeing is the owner..."Wish-I-Could"...and umm, "we" done been dere and done dat!... NOT that he and I...you know...but he and I...well he be lookin...and I be lookin....but he don't be sayin' shit...and I sure as hell don't say shit...well not in California that is. He and I had an understanding...which IS a story for another blog...
Sidenote: New York men HAVE to be stepped to. Scarey muthafuckas...unlessin' the are basic T.ime Sq.ua.re riff raff...then those tourist groupies wanna be all up in my face.... I call them tourist groupies because they think that tourist are hard up to fall for anyone that speaks to them with some wack ass New York slang-game. "Yo Yo ma"..."baby baby"... "sup mami"....like I said, basic ignorant bullshit... California men...no need to do anything but smile their direction and they come quickly.... love that about them... never had to over exert myself when it came to California men. Not saying they are easy (well maybe I am) but saying they see someone they like...they generally speak up on it.
I was sitting up on the top bleacher...BUC was sitting on the stool at the bar...staring at me. This man's lips...an assault weapon...like Mekhi Pfeiffers lips...sexy ass fuck!From that night on we kept up a 8 month fling. I ofund out after a couple of months that he had a woman...a woman that he lived with. Your asking how could I NOT know this to begin with...this is how: Buc's grandfather passed away and left him his house.... he kept this house fully furnished and had clothes, food and everything in this place, that he shared with a friend. SO if we weren't at my place...we were at his place...spending the night. I was playing June Cleaver and cooking shit up for this man in a house I THOUHGT he lived in. I found out later and wasn't too upset because at the time I had traveling ass... I was traveling so much that I had the whole west coast covered and New York too. Besides that, I've always thought males were shady characters...never let anything they do surprise me. Well, some how this chick found out about me before I found out about her. She soon ended it with him and that chick still thinks to this day that he left her for me. Funny how that worked out. I never knew about her, never wanted to take her place and didn't even think twice wondering if Buc WANTED me to take her place. Have never even seen this chick but in one photo...but I probably fucked her world up, her whole "family" life and didn't know it...so therefore wasn't caring. THAT'S why I don't fuck around with a man who has a chick. Goes back to that whole...being the catalyst for disater. I have to answer for that shit in the end. Well, I suppose that applies more to if the man was married...either way...I have enough shit I have to answer for on judgement day...don't need to add to it with fucking up a household.
I digress...again...
Looking back on it I can see all the signs that this man was digging me....but...at the time...I thought he thought of me the way I thought of him...as a fuck. Never really clicked that this man was spending almost every other day with me and we would take weekend trips, he took me everywhere. Shit, I was taking him to places that I knew I'd see my other....what's the east coast slang? Jump off?...men at. Not that I thought I had it like that...but I thought I HAD it like that! We soon became a "couple"...people asking him where I was or asking me where he was if we weren't together. Thing is....we BOTH were seeing other people and my heart still belonged to The Asshole. We weren't committed to eachother, we weren't responsible for our accountings when we wren't together. Never questioning and never any arguments. Just late night talks and crazy ass sex. Playing dodge ball with the pussy..trying to make sure he slammed it to me...hard. Even now, I contract, smile and get a little wet at the thought of the shit we use to do... we were perfect together...for what it was....
8 months after I told him I was done...with him. I got a call at work, Buc telling me that he loved me and that he has always loved me. He wanted me for his and wanted me to move in with him. Me: "Buc, I don't want your love. Take it and give it to that chick you were with when you started fucking around with me."
I said this in the nicest voice. Let him know that I really enjoyed our time but I couldn't possibily start a committed relationship with a man that met me when he had a woman.
Me: "What makes you think that I would want a man that was cheating when I met him? Wouldn't I always have the thought that if you did it to her with me, that you'd do it to me?" Would you want a woman that you knew to be a cheater?"
He was silent on the phone....and then....
He cried.
Big ass Buc... Hard ass Buc... Street-wise Buc. That shit scared me. Rattled me like...DAMN! No, fa real scared me. this man loves me? huh? I seriously couldn't understand. I am thinking...what the fuck, wasn't this suppose to be for fun?
Buc: "Bloopty, that was different. I was in that because I felt obligated. I want YOU. Your different. You have no idea how the thought of you makes me smile, your my heart."
.........I gave him silence.
Then I said, "I have to get back to work Buc, you have a good life." Then I hung up.
Thing was....I wanted that man for mine just as much as he said, he wanted me for his. But, I also know ME...and I would never ever trust him. Conversation was good, sex was exceptional, fun-o-meter was the highest it could get....yet in the corner of my mind...he'd always be under suspicion.
That was my California Lovin'
Since I have been in New York he has called me 5 times (yes, I know how many!) One of those calls, I told him I would be back in Cal the following week...he asked to see me. I said ok...but I knew I wouldn't. I couldn't do it to myself. I'd be 3000 miles away, thinking about his dick back on the otherside of the United States...plus by this time, I had my own issues with New York dick and as y'all know...I ain't that stable and 2 conflicting dicks would have sent me over the edge....lol
He called me on Valentine's day...and as usual...I let it go to voicemail. I can't talk to him, I start to stutter and I feel like an ass because what we had 2 years ago probably has no more meaning for him...but I still think of
...what if's....
"hey sweet thang...wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day...you know who this is...and I am, over and out...love you Bloopty, bye"
I had....a...habit...a vice....a monkey on my back...and his name was Buc.
I met this man in my weekly (ok, NIGHTLY) neighborhood dive...The Gol.den B.e.ar in Oakland. Met him on kareoke night. Every Wednesday from 9 until.... They have bleachers along the wall on the left handside when you walk in....with a small aisle between them and the actual bar....and up on the shelves...tv's...televisions...boob-tubes. Up front they have 2 or 3 tables specifically for domino players, tables in the back were for bullshit illegal talk and basically...the nobodies-who-thought-they-were-somebodies... and for the pool hustlers. 2 pool tables in front of the bathrooms...which of course are in the back....which means...you had to walk past every fucking guy to get to the bathrooms.... past domino players, past bleacher warmers (me), past kareoke singers, past pool tables and hustlers, past idle riff raff JUST to pee...or apply lipstick!ANYAWY, I am a little tipsy...refusing to come up off my bleacher spot... fuck if I am parading around MY damn bar for these every-day-basic negroes! I use the bathroom before I come and RIGHT before I leave and that's it! Not like these other broads, who are constantly getting up and down so they can show their wears to all the menz folk. Besides, like I stated..nothing but basic negroes up in the joint...only one worth eyeing is the owner..."Wish-I-Could"...and umm, "we" done been dere and done dat!... NOT that he and I...you know...but he and I...well he be lookin...and I be lookin....but he don't be sayin' shit...and I sure as hell don't say shit...well not in California that is. He and I had an understanding...which IS a story for another blog...
Sidenote: New York men HAVE to be stepped to. Scarey muthafuckas...unlessin' the are basic T.ime Sq.ua.re riff raff...then those tourist groupies wanna be all up in my face.... I call them tourist groupies because they think that tourist are hard up to fall for anyone that speaks to them with some wack ass New York slang-game. "Yo Yo ma"..."baby baby"... "sup mami"....like I said, basic ignorant bullshit... California men...no need to do anything but smile their direction and they come quickly.... love that about them... never had to over exert myself when it came to California men. Not saying they are easy (well maybe I am) but saying they see someone they like...they generally speak up on it.
I was sitting up on the top bleacher...BUC was sitting on the stool at the bar...staring at me. This man's lips...an assault weapon...like Mekhi Pfeiffers lips...sexy ass fuck!From that night on we kept up a 8 month fling. I ofund out after a couple of months that he had a woman...a woman that he lived with. Your asking how could I NOT know this to begin with...this is how: Buc's grandfather passed away and left him his house.... he kept this house fully furnished and had clothes, food and everything in this place, that he shared with a friend. SO if we weren't at my place...we were at his place...spending the night. I was playing June Cleaver and cooking shit up for this man in a house I THOUHGT he lived in. I found out later and wasn't too upset because at the time I had traveling ass... I was traveling so much that I had the whole west coast covered and New York too. Besides that, I've always thought males were shady characters...never let anything they do surprise me. Well, some how this chick found out about me before I found out about her. She soon ended it with him and that chick still thinks to this day that he left her for me. Funny how that worked out. I never knew about her, never wanted to take her place and didn't even think twice wondering if Buc WANTED me to take her place. Have never even seen this chick but in one photo...but I probably fucked her world up, her whole "family" life and didn't know it...so therefore wasn't caring. THAT'S why I don't fuck around with a man who has a chick. Goes back to that whole...being the catalyst for disater. I have to answer for that shit in the end. Well, I suppose that applies more to if the man was married...either way...I have enough shit I have to answer for on judgement day...don't need to add to it with fucking up a household.
I digress...again...
Looking back on it I can see all the signs that this man was digging me....but...at the time...I thought he thought of me the way I thought of him...as a fuck. Never really clicked that this man was spending almost every other day with me and we would take weekend trips, he took me everywhere. Shit, I was taking him to places that I knew I'd see my other....what's the east coast slang? Jump off?...men at. Not that I thought I had it like that...but I thought I HAD it like that! We soon became a "couple"...people asking him where I was or asking me where he was if we weren't together. Thing is....we BOTH were seeing other people and my heart still belonged to The Asshole. We weren't committed to eachother, we weren't responsible for our accountings when we wren't together. Never questioning and never any arguments. Just late night talks and crazy ass sex. Playing dodge ball with the pussy..trying to make sure he slammed it to me...hard. Even now, I contract, smile and get a little wet at the thought of the shit we use to do... we were perfect together...for what it was....
8 months after I told him I was done...with him. I got a call at work, Buc telling me that he loved me and that he has always loved me. He wanted me for his and wanted me to move in with him. Me: "Buc, I don't want your love. Take it and give it to that chick you were with when you started fucking around with me."
I said this in the nicest voice. Let him know that I really enjoyed our time but I couldn't possibily start a committed relationship with a man that met me when he had a woman.
Me: "What makes you think that I would want a man that was cheating when I met him? Wouldn't I always have the thought that if you did it to her with me, that you'd do it to me?" Would you want a woman that you knew to be a cheater?"
He was silent on the phone....and then....
He cried.
Big ass Buc... Hard ass Buc... Street-wise Buc. That shit scared me. Rattled me like...DAMN! No, fa real scared me. this man loves me? huh? I seriously couldn't understand. I am thinking...what the fuck, wasn't this suppose to be for fun?
Buc: "Bloopty, that was different. I was in that because I felt obligated. I want YOU. Your different. You have no idea how the thought of you makes me smile, your my heart."
.........I gave him silence.
Then I said, "I have to get back to work Buc, you have a good life." Then I hung up.
Thing was....I wanted that man for mine just as much as he said, he wanted me for his. But, I also know ME...and I would never ever trust him. Conversation was good, sex was exceptional, fun-o-meter was the highest it could get....yet in the corner of my mind...he'd always be under suspicion.
That was my California Lovin'
Since I have been in New York he has called me 5 times (yes, I know how many!) One of those calls, I told him I would be back in Cal the following week...he asked to see me. I said ok...but I knew I wouldn't. I couldn't do it to myself. I'd be 3000 miles away, thinking about his dick back on the otherside of the United States...plus by this time, I had my own issues with New York dick and as y'all know...I ain't that stable and 2 conflicting dicks would have sent me over the edge....lol
He called me on Valentine's day...and as usual...I let it go to voicemail. I can't talk to him, I start to stutter and I feel like an ass because what we had 2 years ago probably has no more meaning for him...but I still think of
...what if's....
"hey sweet thang...wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day...you know who this is...and I am, over and out...love you Bloopty, bye"
Monday, February 20, 2006
On the Tens
And so...it begins
with 10
10 Favorites...
Favorite Color: purple
Favorite Food: FOOD fool!
Favorite Band/Singer: Prince/Dave Matthew Band (not necessarily my FAV, but I like)
Favorite Song: Crazy Love - Brain McKnight version
Favorite Movie: Toss up between Gladiator..."I am terribly vexed" and Friday/Next Friday and Friday After Next...lol
Favorite Sport: Football RAIDERS
Favorite Season: Spring
Favorite Day Of the Week: Pay Day
Favorite Position: I go through all the 5 positions, my head under his leg under my arm under his toe (Digital Underground) lol
9 Currents...
Current Mood: Indifferent
Current Taste: I'm always tasting good *wink; but craving a a slice of Strawberry Shortcake from Bar 89
Current Clothes: tight ass grey slacks, lavendar v-neck sweater
Current Desktop Picture: no pics but my screensaver has a Raider Helmet on it
Current Toenail Color: redCurrent Time: 7:10pm
Current Surroundings: Scary ass office
Current Annoyance(s): Scary dark ass office...lol
Current Thought: I wish I had my own place...dammit!
8 Firsts...
First Best Friend: Stacey Cunningham
First Kiss: Doug behind the bushes at the school bus stop
First Screen Name: jstuwait
First Time: When I was 18 with a guy named from church named Jerrod
First Piercing: Ears when I was 11; tongue when I was 29
First Crush: Kelvin something or another; he was 25, I was 11
First Music You Remember Hearing: Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes - Wake Up Everybody
First Car: Used: '72 firebird New: Lexus '04
7 Lasts...
Last Cigarette: when I was 14
Last Drink: Water; Alcoholic drink: Saturday night...mojitos
Last Car Ride: Last night
Last Kiss: This morning
Last Movie Seen: Final Destination 3
Last Phone Call: DipSetLast CD Played: KEM
6 Have You Evers...
Have You Ever Had Sex With One Of Your Best Friends: Yes
Have You Ever Been Arrested: No...sorta
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Yes
Have You Ever Been on TV: Yes
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Yes
5 Things....
5 Things You've Done Today: Watched porn this morning, made some coffee, wrote in my "journal", made some catering request, emailed WYS
5 Things You Can Hear Right Now: KEM, printer, elevators, computer, my teeth grinding
5 Things You Do When You're Bored: read my archived posts, watch a movie, sleep, eat, spend money I don't have
4 Places(states)You've Been: Neveda, Virginia, Pittsburgh, New York
3 People You Can Tell Anything To: My daddy, Shawn and Shawn
2 Choices...
1. Black or White: Black
2. Hot or Cold: Hot
1 Thing You Want to Do Before you die:
Be successful in life, love, and career.
with 10
10 Favorites...
Favorite Color: purple
Favorite Food: FOOD fool!
Favorite Band/Singer: Prince/Dave Matthew Band (not necessarily my FAV, but I like)
Favorite Song: Crazy Love - Brain McKnight version
Favorite Movie: Toss up between Gladiator..."I am terribly vexed" and Friday/Next Friday and Friday After Next...lol
Favorite Sport: Football RAIDERS
Favorite Season: Spring
Favorite Day Of the Week: Pay Day
Favorite Position: I go through all the 5 positions, my head under his leg under my arm under his toe (Digital Underground) lol
9 Currents...
Current Mood: Indifferent
Current Taste: I'm always tasting good *wink; but craving a a slice of Strawberry Shortcake from Bar 89
Current Clothes: tight ass grey slacks, lavendar v-neck sweater
Current Desktop Picture: no pics but my screensaver has a Raider Helmet on it
Current Toenail Color: redCurrent Time: 7:10pm
Current Surroundings: Scary ass office
Current Annoyance(s): Scary dark ass office...lol
Current Thought: I wish I had my own place...dammit!
8 Firsts...
First Best Friend: Stacey Cunningham
First Kiss: Doug behind the bushes at the school bus stop
First Screen Name: jstuwait
First Time: When I was 18 with a guy named from church named Jerrod
First Piercing: Ears when I was 11; tongue when I was 29
First Crush: Kelvin something or another; he was 25, I was 11
First Music You Remember Hearing: Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes - Wake Up Everybody
First Car: Used: '72 firebird New: Lexus '04
7 Lasts...
Last Cigarette: when I was 14
Last Drink: Water; Alcoholic drink: Saturday night...mojitos
Last Car Ride: Last night
Last Kiss: This morning
Last Movie Seen: Final Destination 3
Last Phone Call: DipSetLast CD Played: KEM
6 Have You Evers...
Have You Ever Had Sex With One Of Your Best Friends: Yes
Have You Ever Been Arrested: No...sorta
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Yes
Have You Ever Been on TV: Yes
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Yes
5 Things....
5 Things You've Done Today: Watched porn this morning, made some coffee, wrote in my "journal", made some catering request, emailed WYS
5 Things You Can Hear Right Now: KEM, printer, elevators, computer, my teeth grinding
5 Things You Do When You're Bored: read my archived posts, watch a movie, sleep, eat, spend money I don't have
4 Places(states)You've Been: Neveda, Virginia, Pittsburgh, New York
3 People You Can Tell Anything To: My daddy, Shawn and Shawn
2 Choices...
1. Black or White: Black
2. Hot or Cold: Hot
1 Thing You Want to Do Before you die:
Be successful in life, love, and career.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Memoirs: Oakland to Harlem
I've been writing my memoirs...
title sounds better than, From California to New York...that would sound Oh So commercial...lol Yet...O to H sounds a little "urban".... I'll come up with a better title another day...right now my imagination is dead...(I haven't eaten lunch)
So, I am writing about me...if you know anything about me, you'd know...everything is ALWAYS all about me.
LoL
I started writing in this notebook.
I usually carry a pad around with me at all times...want to make sure that I don't forget something that pops into my head. Whether they are ideas, memories or someone else's actions. I can be caught writing down a line to a song, a catchy phrase someone has used, a word I've never heard...or used in "real" life. I often write down things that remind me of people or places... just so I can back track to see why those things would give me those particular thoughts.
I started writing about some people in my past and the start to finish of those friendships/aquaintance. Not hitting the surface but detail...detail...making sure that I pay attention to detail....from the look, the slant of the lips, the brightness of the eyes and the little quirks of someones mannerisms. Hadn't realized that I knew or paid attention to details when I was with them or around them. Places that I have been and things that were said, how I felt and what they felt (or said they felt) Words that were spoken, that made my imagination run wild or my desire that much stronger. I am suprising myself because I never thought that I had a story to tell. Surprisingly, I DON'T have a story to tell but I can make one up...lol
I just started on Thursday and already I am ready for a new notebook. A hundred pages of written words is nothing compared to typed work...so I know once I finish I will have to transfer it all to the laptop, then come up with more detail.
This will be fun...even if for no other reason than to have a written accounting of my....experiences.
I have been dreading what would happen if DipSet found my notebook...I have been guarding it like a bitch guards her newborn pups. I take it out of my purse every night before I go to bed and put it in the bottom drawer underneath all my jeans. *I SWEAR, that man has been through my shit AND my purse, not positive but....pretty positive!* Not that it would be the worst thing in history if he read it...after all, I have substituted all names with peoples middle names and substituted my name with my bestfriends name in California...but still...he could put 2 and 2 together and figure out that *XXX* who moved from California to New York is me...lol Either way...I hide it and if he finds it...it's not that big of deal...sorta. He's a big ol' goofball jock...so I am sure that alot of things would go over his head *hmmm, althoooooo, the other day he did use a "big" word...one that I would never think to hear him use.....hmmmmm, he might be smarter than I think* ~smile~
So, I can be found with my head down, bottom lip in a vice grip between my teeth and a thoughtful frown upon my brow *lol*...most evenings and mornings on Metro-North. When he is not home I write... crazy thing about it, I leave off with a thought and go RIGHT back into that thought when I come back to writing. Finishing conversations and thoughts...I have not ran into that writers block thing...yet, it's gonna be a bitch trying to format this and put it into sequential order...after all, I started from New York...traveled back to California and even travelled back to when I lived in Denver and visiting my mother on the "indian" reservation in Utah for summer break
...........thinking now........this might be more trouble than it's worth *lol*
title sounds better than, From California to New York...that would sound Oh So commercial...lol Yet...O to H sounds a little "urban".... I'll come up with a better title another day...right now my imagination is dead...(I haven't eaten lunch)
So, I am writing about me...if you know anything about me, you'd know...everything is ALWAYS all about me.
LoL
I started writing in this notebook.
I usually carry a pad around with me at all times...want to make sure that I don't forget something that pops into my head. Whether they are ideas, memories or someone else's actions. I can be caught writing down a line to a song, a catchy phrase someone has used, a word I've never heard...or used in "real" life. I often write down things that remind me of people or places... just so I can back track to see why those things would give me those particular thoughts.
I started writing about some people in my past and the start to finish of those friendships/aquaintance. Not hitting the surface but detail...detail...making sure that I pay attention to detail....from the look, the slant of the lips, the brightness of the eyes and the little quirks of someones mannerisms. Hadn't realized that I knew or paid attention to details when I was with them or around them. Places that I have been and things that were said, how I felt and what they felt (or said they felt) Words that were spoken, that made my imagination run wild or my desire that much stronger. I am suprising myself because I never thought that I had a story to tell. Surprisingly, I DON'T have a story to tell but I can make one up...lol
I just started on Thursday and already I am ready for a new notebook. A hundred pages of written words is nothing compared to typed work...so I know once I finish I will have to transfer it all to the laptop, then come up with more detail.
This will be fun...even if for no other reason than to have a written accounting of my....experiences.
I have been dreading what would happen if DipSet found my notebook...I have been guarding it like a bitch guards her newborn pups. I take it out of my purse every night before I go to bed and put it in the bottom drawer underneath all my jeans. *I SWEAR, that man has been through my shit AND my purse, not positive but....pretty positive!* Not that it would be the worst thing in history if he read it...after all, I have substituted all names with peoples middle names and substituted my name with my bestfriends name in California...but still...he could put 2 and 2 together and figure out that *XXX* who moved from California to New York is me...lol Either way...I hide it and if he finds it...it's not that big of deal...sorta. He's a big ol' goofball jock...so I am sure that alot of things would go over his head *hmmm, althoooooo, the other day he did use a "big" word...one that I would never think to hear him use.....hmmmmm, he might be smarter than I think* ~smile~
So, I can be found with my head down, bottom lip in a vice grip between my teeth and a thoughtful frown upon my brow *lol*...most evenings and mornings on Metro-North. When he is not home I write... crazy thing about it, I leave off with a thought and go RIGHT back into that thought when I come back to writing. Finishing conversations and thoughts...I have not ran into that writers block thing...yet, it's gonna be a bitch trying to format this and put it into sequential order...after all, I started from New York...traveled back to California and even travelled back to when I lived in Denver and visiting my mother on the "indian" reservation in Utah for summer break
...........thinking now........this might be more trouble than it's worth *lol*
Friday, February 17, 2006
Jibber Jabber from January
I just sat down, practically ran here because I didn't know what time the next train left. Reflecting, had I looked at my schedule in my new Coach purse I would have known if I needed to rush or should I have left earlier.
I am slightly out of breath and hot. Too hot. If I could, I would take off my black pullover shirt and still have the white long sleeve shirt. You know, the one that always reminds you to ask me how much I weigh. Or whether I have started my diet. This is where I usually throw you a "fuck you" look, and you respond with a "What?" as if you have no clue as to the etiquette of telling someone they are a fat cow. Yes, no fear, I am laughing as I write this, you idiot.
Finally, I am starting to cool off. Listening to my sleek new black Nano that you bought me. Prince - I love Prince ~ Muse to the Pharoh. I have never even heard this song but I asked Jay to download some Prince songs.
My Nano is on shuffle. Each song having a different meaning, memory and thought. I picked my songs specifically for...me. So, as I am here finally relaxing, cathcing my breath and writing you...I am thinking about this title now playing...Sweet Lady by Tyrese. I always wanted someone to feel this way about me. Then again, that's how most songs, are they not? They speak to you when your own words are at loss to you. Funny how a beat, a hook, a verse, a chorus can convey all that you are feeling, wanting, wishing...Sweet Lady. You once thought I was THAT sweet lady. A lover for a lifetime. Matter-of-fact, that's why you chose me so early on, I was sweet. Sweet, pretty, fun...any of those adjectives are subjective. Realative to only those who use those words. Well - for a minute in time - I was your adjective. Now I am your noun. Stayed. Being...what it is - it is- what it is.
Ok, this woman keeps hitting my arm - maybe it will improve my handwriting. You mentioned to me before that you hate my handwriting. Funny how simple things can make or break a friendship, relationship, union.
Seems like I can never get to the train RIGHT when it's leaving. I always end up waiting, sitting, doing nothing but people watching. Wondering if other people are experiencing the same things that I am. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that feels the way I do - ever. You cheated me out of the happiness/euphoria that I had at the beginningof us. Well - I wonder if THEY feel that way about someone in their life. What secrets do stoic faces...clenched jaws, lowered lids hold? I have a plethra of untold stories, unheard reasons of why or why not. Things that I am sure I have never experienced, other things that I have experienced over and over...never learning my lesson...or maybe liking the lesson a little too much. HA! When people look at me - what do they see? Would it be a happy or indifferent person? Would be a stable and focused or more like a personality that is careening out of control - no breaks - on a hill?
The last time we had sex ... was different.
Funny that even though I am hurt, drained, confused...you stay on my mind all the time.
Constant would not even explain.
I am slightly out of breath and hot. Too hot. If I could, I would take off my black pullover shirt and still have the white long sleeve shirt. You know, the one that always reminds you to ask me how much I weigh. Or whether I have started my diet. This is where I usually throw you a "fuck you" look, and you respond with a "What?" as if you have no clue as to the etiquette of telling someone they are a fat cow. Yes, no fear, I am laughing as I write this, you idiot.
Finally, I am starting to cool off. Listening to my sleek new black Nano that you bought me. Prince - I love Prince ~ Muse to the Pharoh. I have never even heard this song but I asked Jay to download some Prince songs.
My Nano is on shuffle. Each song having a different meaning, memory and thought. I picked my songs specifically for...me. So, as I am here finally relaxing, cathcing my breath and writing you...I am thinking about this title now playing...Sweet Lady by Tyrese. I always wanted someone to feel this way about me. Then again, that's how most songs, are they not? They speak to you when your own words are at loss to you. Funny how a beat, a hook, a verse, a chorus can convey all that you are feeling, wanting, wishing...Sweet Lady. You once thought I was THAT sweet lady. A lover for a lifetime. Matter-of-fact, that's why you chose me so early on, I was sweet. Sweet, pretty, fun...any of those adjectives are subjective. Realative to only those who use those words. Well - for a minute in time - I was your adjective. Now I am your noun. Stayed. Being...what it is - it is- what it is.
Ok, this woman keeps hitting my arm - maybe it will improve my handwriting. You mentioned to me before that you hate my handwriting. Funny how simple things can make or break a friendship, relationship, union.
Seems like I can never get to the train RIGHT when it's leaving. I always end up waiting, sitting, doing nothing but people watching. Wondering if other people are experiencing the same things that I am. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that feels the way I do - ever. You cheated me out of the happiness/euphoria that I had at the beginningof us. Well - I wonder if THEY feel that way about someone in their life. What secrets do stoic faces...clenched jaws, lowered lids hold? I have a plethra of untold stories, unheard reasons of why or why not. Things that I am sure I have never experienced, other things that I have experienced over and over...never learning my lesson...or maybe liking the lesson a little too much. HA! When people look at me - what do they see? Would it be a happy or indifferent person? Would be a stable and focused or more like a personality that is careening out of control - no breaks - on a hill?
The last time we had sex ... was different.
Funny that even though I am hurt, drained, confused...you stay on my mind all the time.
Constant would not even explain.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Effort
I have a garden in my office....
2 dozen tulips from Valentine's...
a dozen long stem red roses today for my birthday.....
~~~~~~~~~~
Dipset is the man...when he wants to be. Last 2 days....he has been all kinds of nice to me.
Whispering things to make me smile... touching me to make me wet.
Things have not been good.....but I see the effort baby.
Thank you.
*I'll write a year in review post for my birthday later on this afternoon.
2 dozen tulips from Valentine's...
a dozen long stem red roses today for my birthday.....
~~~~~~~~~~
Dipset is the man...when he wants to be. Last 2 days....he has been all kinds of nice to me.
Whispering things to make me smile... touching me to make me wet.
Things have not been good.....but I see the effort baby.
Thank you.
*I'll write a year in review post for my birthday later on this afternoon.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Happy Valentine's California Lovin'
Are you conquering fortresses and building castles?
I think back *as you knew I would, you bastard* of times you hauled me up and slammed me against the wall.....pushing, grinding, gyrating your hips, melding them into mine. We became one many nights...saying things that were whispered away with the dawn of daybreak. I rememeber you spreading my cheeks...handful of flesh...kneading my ass and...needing my ass! Your finger ever so slyly moving closer and closer to a place... {at the right time....} was taboo for me. The sucking noise of my breast and your chest as we separate and then come back together. Sweat...wet...make noises ...that... heard from the otherside of a door.... lets them in on what the fuck is happening on the otherside. Slapping of thighs, sucking and slurping...those are the sounds that.... we made.
Today I was daydreaming *as you knew I would, you bastard!* of having your tongue
in
my
ass...
making it's way around to the front...
to suck
on
my clit...
and the way you ran your tongue around the outside and inside of my lips....
I feel
your tastbuds...
it's erotic.
You had me bouncing, dancing, riding you all over the room
the house
holding on to your strong neck...
you
were
my
thorough-bred
my stallion.
I rode you hard and you...
served me well.
Breaking coffee tables and falling shower curtains....wet floors and rug burns on my knees...falling off beds and sitting on bathroom sinks...Your dangerous...almost hazardous...you scare me...and it kills me to think...that THAT slightly... turns me on. Everything about you turns me on... I couldn't answer the phone today.... was scared...I'd leave my shit behind...and take a flight back home....just so I could hear you say "Hey sweet thang..." ...in person....up close...like you use to whisper to my pussy before you.....
Happy Valentine's to you too my California Lovin'....
Building castles
Conquering fortresses.
*as you knew I would, you bastard*
I think back *as you knew I would, you bastard* of times you hauled me up and slammed me against the wall.....pushing, grinding, gyrating your hips, melding them into mine. We became one many nights...saying things that were whispered away with the dawn of daybreak. I rememeber you spreading my cheeks...handful of flesh...kneading my ass and...needing my ass! Your finger ever so slyly moving closer and closer to a place... {at the right time....} was taboo for me. The sucking noise of my breast and your chest as we separate and then come back together. Sweat...wet...make noises ...that... heard from the otherside of a door.... lets them in on what the fuck is happening on the otherside. Slapping of thighs, sucking and slurping...those are the sounds that.... we made.
Today I was daydreaming *as you knew I would, you bastard!* of having your tongue
in
my
ass...
making it's way around to the front...
to suck
on
my clit...
and the way you ran your tongue around the outside and inside of my lips....
I feel
your tastbuds...
it's erotic.
You had me bouncing, dancing, riding you all over the room
the house
holding on to your strong neck...
you
were
my
thorough-bred
my stallion.
I rode you hard and you...
served me well.
Breaking coffee tables and falling shower curtains....wet floors and rug burns on my knees...falling off beds and sitting on bathroom sinks...Your dangerous...almost hazardous...you scare me...and it kills me to think...that THAT slightly... turns me on. Everything about you turns me on... I couldn't answer the phone today.... was scared...I'd leave my shit behind...and take a flight back home....just so I could hear you say "Hey sweet thang..." ...in person....up close...like you use to whisper to my pussy before you.....
Happy Valentine's to you too my California Lovin'....
Building castles
Conquering fortresses.
*as you knew I would, you bastard*
Monday, February 13, 2006
Edge of Love
I was somewhere on the edge of love....I had my choice to either back away...real ...sllowwly...or take that plunge and keep falling.
Problem with that is, you have to at some point land once you've begun the falling....
and right now....there'd be no one to catch me....
So what did I do?
I stepped the fuck back from the edge and realized that...life lay the other way.
That fork in the road that had me deciding on left when I should have been going right...well, I went back to that sign and stood and REALLY read what that sign said....
because the first time I read it I was just passing by and I casually glanced because I THOUGHT I knew where I wanted to go and was for sure about how to get there...I figured I didn't need the sign.
I was wrong of course.
That's the fastest way to get lost and caught up going in circles or....a dead end....which is where I was, at that cliff...at that edge...of love.
Standing back here at the fork in the road, reading this travel sign, rrreeeeaaallly reading it this time.........
I see I missed the footnote in small print at the bottom...
hold on while I move closer
let me put my reading glasses on
ok, here we go......
Those traveling to LOVE
===========> 360 miles
Those traveling to LIFE
<=========== keep going until you reach next sign.
Those traveling to HAPPINESS
=========================> 962 miles
Those traveling to the BITTER END
<=== go BACK 360 miles
and those traveling to UNDERSTANDING
==Stand still and evaluate your journey, then look back from where you've come from.
If you still need more UNDERSTANDING...then re-trace the footsteps that brought you to this point and AGAIN....
stand still and evaluate your journey.
Problem with that is, you have to at some point land once you've begun the falling....
and right now....there'd be no one to catch me....
So what did I do?
I stepped the fuck back from the edge and realized that...life lay the other way.
That fork in the road that had me deciding on left when I should have been going right...well, I went back to that sign and stood and REALLY read what that sign said....
because the first time I read it I was just passing by and I casually glanced because I THOUGHT I knew where I wanted to go and was for sure about how to get there...I figured I didn't need the sign.
I was wrong of course.
That's the fastest way to get lost and caught up going in circles or....a dead end....which is where I was, at that cliff...at that edge...of love.
Standing back here at the fork in the road, reading this travel sign, rrreeeeaaallly reading it this time.........
I see I missed the footnote in small print at the bottom...
hold on while I move closer
let me put my reading glasses on
ok, here we go......
Those traveling to LOVE
===========> 360 miles
Those traveling to LIFE
<=========== keep going until you reach next sign.
Those traveling to HAPPINESS
=========================> 962 miles
Those traveling to the BITTER END
<=== go BACK 360 miles
and those traveling to UNDERSTANDING
==Stand still and evaluate your journey, then look back from where you've come from.
If you still need more UNDERSTANDING...then re-trace the footsteps that brought you to this point and AGAIN....
stand still and evaluate your journey.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Keeping the Lie Alive
...I was trying to, but he was gonna wanna see results at some point...right?
Here's the setup:
DipSet rolls his big fat whale ass over and says "Babe, for real...I'm fat!"
I look at him like...MAN! You just now figuring that shit out. You didn't know it when your pants where a size to small, when your dress shirts went from a 17 and a half to an 18 neck, when the shoulders on your sweaters start to ride up and make you look like your wearing your little brothers clothes..... THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I LOOKED AT HIM!
I say to him..."No, your not baby...you've just gained a little bit of weight, it will come off so fast you'll forget you were ever waking yourself up with that fat-man-breathing-while-rolling-over-in-the-bed *now you all KNOW I DIDN'T say that...ok, I did say the heavy breathing part*
Know what HE said? "Well Alli, you know, your not as small as you were when I first met you...."
Men KNOW that weight is not a subject that you play lightly with.
So me being the bitch that I can sometimes be when I get my feelings hurt and I start feeling self-conscious say:
FUCK YOU...YOU ASS!
and walk out the room *well more like take off running in the stupid girl run, with arms flailing and tears streaming down my face* LOL
So, a month after him complaining about his fat ass and then complaining that I SHOULD JOIN A GYM....he joins. Some bogus wanna-be gym in Mount Vernon. Ok, that was the first week in January...he's been a total of 5 times since he joined...in all! Never-the-less, he joined........I haven't. He is going on and on about how he's gonna be svelte by the spring...*yea riiiiiiight, you mean by spring of 2007!* AND once he gets looking all good and muscle-ly...he's gonna get him a "new gold-digger" (yea, sorta fucked up that he calls me that...but if the shoe fits....it's because he forced my foot in!) Now that his ignorant ass has joined (and only been 5 times in 6 weeks) he's calling me all kinds of disrespectful shit...
back to the lie.............
I told him that I had joined the gym about 3 weeks ago...I hadn't.
OK...you know my life never quite goes the way I invision in my head...for some reason...fate takes my vision and shakes it up a bit and I usually get the short end of the stick...or the shitty end (which ever analogy fits best)
DipSet and I have been fuedin' for a while now (I ain't told y'all) I knew that Dipset didn't want me anymore...well I knew what his mouth said...but I also know that if I "applied" myself a little more than I can have back all the luxury I had (a little kiss kiss and suck suck always works)...even if just for a short time....which is better than what I thought I had.
So in my grand plan...I decided to build my wall, live with this man with no feelings involved and start to "do my thang"... My plan was to start ..."meeting" other people...not so much as to establish a relationship, more along the lines of trying to keep myself busy...so that I wouldn't have to go STRAIGHT home after work. He and I, all bottled up in the same place and having to breath eachothers air. For you that don't know what it feels like to live with someone when you know it's over...well it's one of thee most uncomfortable situations.
Granted, I know that this man DOES like me...LOVE ME! He's just not ready for me. Why?...fuck if I know...'cause I've been the muthafucka...up until this point. This man has never had reason to second guess me or doubt me.....but now....he created this (me) and now he has to live with his decision.
I digress...
So, I concocted the story of me joining a gym..right around the corner from my job, which I might add is 35 minutes away from home on Metro-North. I thought this was a good plan because I had about an hour of free time to myself and if I wanted to stretch it and just tell him I was taking my time with my reps...that was another 30-45 minutes..... SO all in all I was gonna be out of the house for 2 and half hours 3 days a week and that's not including my pool night..........I had it made!
Then that bitch fate stepped in....
Out of nowhere, he decides he wants me. What's to KEEP me...for just his...no sharing...LOL A couple of Saturday's ago, as we are coming home from one of his games...this knuckle-head stops off at Champs and as I am looking all dumb-founded in the truck...looking at him like what the hell...................he proceeds to tell me:
Him: Babe, since you took the initiative to sign up for the gym and you want to firm up your squishy....I am gonna buy you some work-out clothes and some new sneakers!
Me: *fuck fuck fuck* Great baby...thank you! *fuck fuck fuck*
Him: On top of that, I want to buy you this velour suit ($130.00)
Me: Baby, I don't need all that.
Him: Just let me have my little pleasures...I like how your little ass jiggles when you run up the stairs in front of me in the other velour outfit......... *he smirks*
Me: Fuck you, son! *I ain't got no ass, which means I ain't got no jiggle*
Since I am not the type to take a man's money just because... (Fuck whatcha heard!!!) I was just about to tell him when he says....
Him: Remember the other night when you had to unbutton your pants after dinner? *he's getting the MAJOR evil eye*
Me: I see you didn't put on your bra today.... *I busted out laughing and he smacked my ass...and not in the nice "fuck me" way but in the "you-now-you-done-talked-back-too-damn- much" way.... still think I have his fucken hand print on my ass...could be heard for miles around...fucker!*
So he spent $130 for the velour fit, $120.00 for the Nike sneakers, and another $90 something on work out tops and pants....
Needless to say...I have to either
1) join a gym (because he's gonna expect to see some results)
2) come clean and tell him that I never joined (fat chance of that happening) or
3) tell him I quit my gym and want to join his gym so I can be close to him since I don't like all the yucky men watching me at my gym....put on my pouty face and hope he falls for it AND pays for it. 'Cause I don't know how long I can go before he starts to figure out that...I'm a big fat liar!
What do I do?
I bet him...bet him that I would lose the weight first (mind you, I haven't joined a gym I am just throwing out an empty bet)
...................silence.............
the chances of a 43 year old man who goes to the gym 5 times in 6 weeks or a 35 yo chick who walks 24 NEW YORK blocks daily, takes the stairs whenever possible, and whose drive is much stronger because I am still TOO cute to be fat (not saying big girls aren't cute...but this girl wouldn't be cute big!)
............silence................
Him: Aaaaa......ok, we can bet. What are we betting for?
Me: My left right ring finger is feeling mighty light......... *yes RIGHT, I ain't tryna get married!*
Him: Ok, if I win....I get to poke you in the ass! He smiles the biggest I've EVER seen....what he doesn't know........he has pushed the ante SO FAR UP......Ain't NO motherfucker (yes I used the c-o-r-r-e-c-t spelling because I don't want NO ONE misunderstanding that ain't NO ONE putting shit in my ass but his tongue!)
Guess what I did?
My ass went out and bought some TrimSpa and joined the damn gym....
I kept my lie going for as long as possible...but the thought of my ass being gouged by a (decent size) dick...has given me so much motivation *more like scared me witless* to loose this weight.....
My ass will remain tight for EVER...only making size adjustments for things coming out....LMAO
*ewww, that was gross..lol*
Here's the setup:
DipSet rolls his big fat whale ass over and says "Babe, for real...I'm fat!"
I look at him like...MAN! You just now figuring that shit out. You didn't know it when your pants where a size to small, when your dress shirts went from a 17 and a half to an 18 neck, when the shoulders on your sweaters start to ride up and make you look like your wearing your little brothers clothes..... THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I LOOKED AT HIM!
I say to him..."No, your not baby...you've just gained a little bit of weight, it will come off so fast you'll forget you were ever waking yourself up with that fat-man-breathing-while-rolling-over-in-the-bed *now you all KNOW I DIDN'T say that...ok, I did say the heavy breathing part*
Know what HE said? "Well Alli, you know, your not as small as you were when I first met you...."
Men KNOW that weight is not a subject that you play lightly with.
So me being the bitch that I can sometimes be when I get my feelings hurt and I start feeling self-conscious say:
FUCK YOU...YOU ASS!
and walk out the room *well more like take off running in the stupid girl run, with arms flailing and tears streaming down my face* LOL
So, a month after him complaining about his fat ass and then complaining that I SHOULD JOIN A GYM....he joins. Some bogus wanna-be gym in Mount Vernon. Ok, that was the first week in January...he's been a total of 5 times since he joined...in all! Never-the-less, he joined........I haven't. He is going on and on about how he's gonna be svelte by the spring...*yea riiiiiiight, you mean by spring of 2007!* AND once he gets looking all good and muscle-ly...he's gonna get him a "new gold-digger" (yea, sorta fucked up that he calls me that...but if the shoe fits....it's because he forced my foot in!) Now that his ignorant ass has joined (and only been 5 times in 6 weeks) he's calling me all kinds of disrespectful shit...
back to the lie.............
I told him that I had joined the gym about 3 weeks ago...I hadn't.
OK...you know my life never quite goes the way I invision in my head...for some reason...fate takes my vision and shakes it up a bit and I usually get the short end of the stick...or the shitty end (which ever analogy fits best)
DipSet and I have been fuedin' for a while now (I ain't told y'all) I knew that Dipset didn't want me anymore...well I knew what his mouth said...but I also know that if I "applied" myself a little more than I can have back all the luxury I had (a little kiss kiss and suck suck always works)...even if just for a short time....which is better than what I thought I had.
So in my grand plan...I decided to build my wall, live with this man with no feelings involved and start to "do my thang"... My plan was to start ..."meeting" other people...not so much as to establish a relationship, more along the lines of trying to keep myself busy...so that I wouldn't have to go STRAIGHT home after work. He and I, all bottled up in the same place and having to breath eachothers air. For you that don't know what it feels like to live with someone when you know it's over...well it's one of thee most uncomfortable situations.
Granted, I know that this man DOES like me...LOVE ME! He's just not ready for me. Why?...fuck if I know...'cause I've been the muthafucka...up until this point. This man has never had reason to second guess me or doubt me.....but now....he created this (me) and now he has to live with his decision.
I digress...
So, I concocted the story of me joining a gym..right around the corner from my job, which I might add is 35 minutes away from home on Metro-North. I thought this was a good plan because I had about an hour of free time to myself and if I wanted to stretch it and just tell him I was taking my time with my reps...that was another 30-45 minutes..... SO all in all I was gonna be out of the house for 2 and half hours 3 days a week and that's not including my pool night..........I had it made!
Then that bitch fate stepped in....
Out of nowhere, he decides he wants me. What's to KEEP me...for just his...no sharing...LOL A couple of Saturday's ago, as we are coming home from one of his games...this knuckle-head stops off at Champs and as I am looking all dumb-founded in the truck...looking at him like what the hell...................he proceeds to tell me:
Him: Babe, since you took the initiative to sign up for the gym and you want to firm up your squishy....I am gonna buy you some work-out clothes and some new sneakers!
Me: *fuck fuck fuck* Great baby...thank you! *fuck fuck fuck*
Him: On top of that, I want to buy you this velour suit ($130.00)
Me: Baby, I don't need all that.
Him: Just let me have my little pleasures...I like how your little ass jiggles when you run up the stairs in front of me in the other velour outfit......... *he smirks*
Me: Fuck you, son! *I ain't got no ass, which means I ain't got no jiggle*
Since I am not the type to take a man's money just because... (Fuck whatcha heard!!!) I was just about to tell him when he says....
Him: Remember the other night when you had to unbutton your pants after dinner? *he's getting the MAJOR evil eye*
Me: I see you didn't put on your bra today.... *I busted out laughing and he smacked my ass...and not in the nice "fuck me" way but in the "you-now-you-done-talked-back-too-damn- much" way.... still think I have his fucken hand print on my ass...could be heard for miles around...fucker!*
So he spent $130 for the velour fit, $120.00 for the Nike sneakers, and another $90 something on work out tops and pants....
Needless to say...I have to either
1) join a gym (because he's gonna expect to see some results)
2) come clean and tell him that I never joined (fat chance of that happening) or
3) tell him I quit my gym and want to join his gym so I can be close to him since I don't like all the yucky men watching me at my gym....put on my pouty face and hope he falls for it AND pays for it. 'Cause I don't know how long I can go before he starts to figure out that...I'm a big fat liar!
What do I do?
I bet him...bet him that I would lose the weight first (mind you, I haven't joined a gym I am just throwing out an empty bet)
...................silence.............
the chances of a 43 year old man who goes to the gym 5 times in 6 weeks or a 35 yo chick who walks 24 NEW YORK blocks daily, takes the stairs whenever possible, and whose drive is much stronger because I am still TOO cute to be fat (not saying big girls aren't cute...but this girl wouldn't be cute big!)
............silence................
Him: Aaaaa......ok, we can bet. What are we betting for?
Me: My left right ring finger is feeling mighty light......... *yes RIGHT, I ain't tryna get married!*
Him: Ok, if I win....I get to poke you in the ass! He smiles the biggest I've EVER seen....what he doesn't know........he has pushed the ante SO FAR UP......Ain't NO motherfucker (yes I used the c-o-r-r-e-c-t spelling because I don't want NO ONE misunderstanding that ain't NO ONE putting shit in my ass but his tongue!)
Guess what I did?
My ass went out and bought some TrimSpa and joined the damn gym....
I kept my lie going for as long as possible...but the thought of my ass being gouged by a (decent size) dick...has given me so much motivation *more like scared me witless* to loose this weight.....
My ass will remain tight for EVER...only making size adjustments for things coming out....LMAO
*ewww, that was gross..lol*
Wednesday, February 8, 2006
KEM: Have I Made Myself Clear
I said I am leaving...have I made myself clear?
Everytime I find someone, I find myself here.
No more screaming, there will be no more lies.
Pack up all my things to go, even made my flight.
-KEM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pack up all my things to go, even made my flight.
-KEM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep thinking that all I need is some money...then I am OUT!! Yet, emotionally....I see I am gonna need more than that.
I've never... not been wanted. It sorta has this "deer-stuck-in-head-lights" effect on me. I can't fathom how he can't want ME!
I sat next to him and thought about someone else. I didn't hold his hand, didn't allow myself to let me knee lean against his. He's treated me like he's no longer involved in this thing we have...had. Am I acting the same?
I've never...not been wanted.
HEY! That's MY LINE!!!
*blurry pic of KEM @ concert at the Beacon on Feb. 8th
HEY! That's MY LINE!!!
*blurry pic of KEM @ concert at the Beacon on Feb. 8th
Saturday, February 4, 2006
Jimmy Issues
I made a doctors appointment for Wednesday @ 2:00 PM
DipSet has been wanting to have sex without a condom. For awhile. I have been shooting him down with the most obvious excuse....
I am not on birth control.
This sensible excuse has not deterred him from still wanting to go "jimmy-less". He use to always say he wanted another girl...by me. I told him that wasn't going to happen and to keep stepping if he thought I was going to have anymore kids spitting out of me. So he has calmed down on that. Yet, his "wanting to cum in me"...has not.
Two things come to mind, concerning this man in me without a condom....
1- I don't trust him.
2- I've only known him for 5 months and only been sexing since December.
So I have come up with one excuse after another...
-Switched insurance, waiting for it to go into effect
-Doctor had to cancel my appointment and reschedule
-Doctor had to cancel my appointment and reschedule
-Doctor had to cancel my appointment and reschedule...lol
-I forgot my appointment
-A meeting ran over and I couldn't get to my appointment
Well...my time has come for me to REALLY go to the damn doctor and get some birth control pills...or patch...or IUD...or whatever gadget they have right now that will stop babies from being made. It almost feels like I am on my way to the guillotine.... dead man walking...lol
Should I be this....scared to have sex without a condom, with the man I live with?
DipSet has been wanting to have sex without a condom. For awhile. I have been shooting him down with the most obvious excuse....
I am not on birth control.
This sensible excuse has not deterred him from still wanting to go "jimmy-less". He use to always say he wanted another girl...by me. I told him that wasn't going to happen and to keep stepping if he thought I was going to have anymore kids spitting out of me. So he has calmed down on that. Yet, his "wanting to cum in me"...has not.
Two things come to mind, concerning this man in me without a condom....
1- I don't trust him.
2- I've only known him for 5 months and only been sexing since December.
So I have come up with one excuse after another...
-Switched insurance, waiting for it to go into effect
-Doctor had to cancel my appointment and reschedule
-Doctor had to cancel my appointment and reschedule
-Doctor had to cancel my appointment and reschedule...lol
-I forgot my appointment
-A meeting ran over and I couldn't get to my appointment
Well...my time has come for me to REALLY go to the damn doctor and get some birth control pills...or patch...or IUD...or whatever gadget they have right now that will stop babies from being made. It almost feels like I am on my way to the guillotine.... dead man walking...lol
Should I be this....scared to have sex without a condom, with the man I live with?
Thursday, February 2, 2006
Disaster Ahead
Sitting here feeling rather bitter. Bitter at all the shit that I have gone through here in New York state. Granted tons of good shit has happened to me...but damn...today is just that day that bitterness rules!
Worst thing about it is that ... my bitterness right now revolves around ME DOING DIRT! How the hell does that make any fucken sense? I am entitled though...why you ask.....because I am a woman! LOL *Stop rolling your eyes*
Since my job is really the basic fuck around job...I have been downloading songs to add to my damn iPod Nano...well...for some reason I am choosing all these laid-back and easy songs...songs that bring memories of California sun and New York Indian summers....this shit is painful.
Listening to this song called First Love by Goapele... thing about this is that most of this chicks songs are WHACK! But I got turned on to her in Cal because she too is form the bayarea...she came out with a song called Closer about 3 years ago. That song use to be my every morning wake up song.... I'd come into my office at the Univ.ersity of C.alifornia and turn that song on and sit and sip my coffee in front of my window on the 11th floor and look out at the city.... That song put me in a good mood to start my day.... I wasn't even "in love" when this song had this affect on me. Well, now I am listening to First Love and this song is doing the same shit!I am going away this weekend...and not with my DipSet. Thing about it is that I am bitter because I can think of all the times that men have done some foul shit to me...and here I am doing it to him. He didn't even question me...he just assumed I was going to visit family. I didn't agree or disagree with him...just let him think what he wanted. I am feeling like shit.
You ask why would I go? Because that's just the way shit is!! What does that mean? Not sure but I know that I am not gonna renig on the invite...after all, tickets have been paid for. Is it the thought of something different? It's not because I am looking for someone to replace DipSet. So, I am sitting here and as I am typing, I am listening to Heather Headley sing I Wish I Wasn't. Yea, I am an idiot about to mess up some shit with DipSet, over a man that I am not even feeling...who I proabaly will never even see again.
Then why am I doing it? Is because of the mundane? The decision he made last week and then recanted on? The scare of the thought of a "lifetime"? I just need a little excitement in my life? A flirt, a feel good feeling from another man? Is it my inability to be "settled"? I have been trying to not talk myself into a role or category as this man says that I usually do. I don't know but whatever it is...it is gonna get people hurt and that is never a good thing. Thing about it...as clearly as I see myself driving into a brickwall, I can't turn this wheel. So, we will see what materializes from my inability to be real.
I am so not intuned with my lust/like/love/desire and control side. Thing is...I don't want sex...I want to just be in the presence of another man. Like I said, it's not like I am in replacement mode...just looking for something different than what I come home to every day.
Would I be upset if I found out that he was doing what I am about to do this weekend? Hell yes!!! But who is to say he isn't going to be "preoccupied" this weekend while I am gone? After all, he has met up with other women when I was out of town.
This shit stinks!! ...and hurts!!!
Can I change this? Make a better outcome? Could I control this feeling?
...yes... will I?...no...
I leave tomorrow afternoon.
Worst thing about it is that ... my bitterness right now revolves around ME DOING DIRT! How the hell does that make any fucken sense? I am entitled though...why you ask.....because I am a woman! LOL *Stop rolling your eyes*
Since my job is really the basic fuck around job...I have been downloading songs to add to my damn iPod Nano...well...for some reason I am choosing all these laid-back and easy songs...songs that bring memories of California sun and New York Indian summers....this shit is painful.
Listening to this song called First Love by Goapele... thing about this is that most of this chicks songs are WHACK! But I got turned on to her in Cal because she too is form the bayarea...she came out with a song called Closer about 3 years ago. That song use to be my every morning wake up song.... I'd come into my office at the Univ.ersity of C.alifornia and turn that song on and sit and sip my coffee in front of my window on the 11th floor and look out at the city.... That song put me in a good mood to start my day.... I wasn't even "in love" when this song had this affect on me. Well, now I am listening to First Love and this song is doing the same shit!I am going away this weekend...and not with my DipSet. Thing about it is that I am bitter because I can think of all the times that men have done some foul shit to me...and here I am doing it to him. He didn't even question me...he just assumed I was going to visit family. I didn't agree or disagree with him...just let him think what he wanted. I am feeling like shit.
You ask why would I go? Because that's just the way shit is!! What does that mean? Not sure but I know that I am not gonna renig on the invite...after all, tickets have been paid for. Is it the thought of something different? It's not because I am looking for someone to replace DipSet. So, I am sitting here and as I am typing, I am listening to Heather Headley sing I Wish I Wasn't. Yea, I am an idiot about to mess up some shit with DipSet, over a man that I am not even feeling...who I proabaly will never even see again.
Then why am I doing it? Is because of the mundane? The decision he made last week and then recanted on? The scare of the thought of a "lifetime"? I just need a little excitement in my life? A flirt, a feel good feeling from another man? Is it my inability to be "settled"? I have been trying to not talk myself into a role or category as this man says that I usually do. I don't know but whatever it is...it is gonna get people hurt and that is never a good thing. Thing about it...as clearly as I see myself driving into a brickwall, I can't turn this wheel. So, we will see what materializes from my inability to be real.
I am so not intuned with my lust/like/love/desire and control side. Thing is...I don't want sex...I want to just be in the presence of another man. Like I said, it's not like I am in replacement mode...just looking for something different than what I come home to every day.
Would I be upset if I found out that he was doing what I am about to do this weekend? Hell yes!!! But who is to say he isn't going to be "preoccupied" this weekend while I am gone? After all, he has met up with other women when I was out of town.
This shit stinks!! ...and hurts!!!
Can I change this? Make a better outcome? Could I control this feeling?
...yes... will I?...no...
I leave tomorrow afternoon.
Wednesday, February 1, 2006
No Ass Havin'
Thursday I was starig at this chicks ass!
No, I'm not gay/lesbian/or bi...but yes, I was looking at her ass.
Why?
I have none!
Granted the older I get the bigger (well wider) it gets. My only saving grace is that I am soft...I was told smooth....smooth as butter. But smooth is nothing because...when I am wearing jeans...you can't SEE smooth... Men only see FAT ASS!
Which again, I don't have.
So yes, sometimes I look at broads asses...
I put "dibs" on the kinda ass I wish I had...you know...like you use to do when you were a kid ..I dibs that red corvette...or how my cousin use to always DIBS Tony Dorsette as her husband...me? I did Starsky...lol
Either way, I sometimes focus on an ass and am like "I wish I had that ass" or "Damn, she's got a fat ass", always thinking that if my ass was bigger I'd get more men. Now, don't get me wrong...I get alot...no, no you don't understand...I get ALOT of men....after all this is New York baby...but with a fat juicy ass...I am guaranteed to get even MORE! Am I greedy?.... lol
In general...I just like ass anyway...like a fixation. Well, not ass like MY ass (no ass) but ass that I can grip...hold, lick, suck, give hickeys on, or as DipSet does....he draws smiley faces on my ass every chance he gets. Told you it was smooth, so every time we are laying across the bed, he uses my No Ass as a pillow...and nibbles and bites (too damn hard!) and yes...draws pictures of houses and birds and doodles....like a little kid with a magic marker and a white wall...lol
So in telling you about me looking at chicks asses....
I got caught staring at a nice fat juicy ass on the 6 train on Thursday...
...dude looked at me with this look....it made me feel like I had got caught with my hand in the cookie jar...then he smiled and gave me the head nod...like he was agreeing with me about that being a nice piece of ass...LMAO I was slightly embarrassed...because I wasn't looking at her like I was tryna lick some fish...I HATE fish! lol I was just trying to picture her ass on me...and I got caught daydreaming about having this ugly chicks ass..........
*Huge Sigh*
No, I'm not gay/lesbian/or bi...but yes, I was looking at her ass.
Why?
I have none!
Granted the older I get the bigger (well wider) it gets. My only saving grace is that I am soft...I was told smooth....smooth as butter. But smooth is nothing because...when I am wearing jeans...you can't SEE smooth... Men only see FAT ASS!
Which again, I don't have.
So yes, sometimes I look at broads asses...
I put "dibs" on the kinda ass I wish I had...you know...like you use to do when you were a kid ..I dibs that red corvette...or how my cousin use to always DIBS Tony Dorsette as her husband...me? I did Starsky...lol
Either way, I sometimes focus on an ass and am like "I wish I had that ass" or "Damn, she's got a fat ass", always thinking that if my ass was bigger I'd get more men. Now, don't get me wrong...I get alot...no, no you don't understand...I get ALOT of men....after all this is New York baby...but with a fat juicy ass...I am guaranteed to get even MORE! Am I greedy?.... lol
In general...I just like ass anyway...like a fixation. Well, not ass like MY ass (no ass) but ass that I can grip...hold, lick, suck, give hickeys on, or as DipSet does....he draws smiley faces on my ass every chance he gets. Told you it was smooth, so every time we are laying across the bed, he uses my No Ass as a pillow...and nibbles and bites (too damn hard!) and yes...draws pictures of houses and birds and doodles....like a little kid with a magic marker and a white wall...lol
So in telling you about me looking at chicks asses....
I got caught staring at a nice fat juicy ass on the 6 train on Thursday...
...dude looked at me with this look....it made me feel like I had got caught with my hand in the cookie jar...then he smiled and gave me the head nod...like he was agreeing with me about that being a nice piece of ass...LMAO I was slightly embarrassed...because I wasn't looking at her like I was tryna lick some fish...I HATE fish! lol I was just trying to picture her ass on me...and I got caught daydreaming about having this ugly chicks ass..........
*Huge Sigh*
