Writing My Wrongs

With a damn tag…I’m telling you these young whipper-snappers (RD & Wise) be disrespecting their elders and whatnot. Told Wise way back when (last month) that this taggin’ shit wasn’t cool AT ALL…. In my responses…I told ALL and SUNDRY (who she?), that I ain’t doin’ no more tags. However, Royce’s Daughter takes upon herself to hassle the elderly (me) and it seems like she’s the type to bug me about it…like a damn gnat at a picnic… SO here is the nasty lil questions from that nasty gal.


1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2006?

If we’re talking satisfactory sex…Hell yes. GREAT SEX…Hell no.

2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?

Depends on what you mean by “PUBLIC”… I mean in the park isn’t really public if it’s dark outside. On the beach during a beach party under a blanket isn’t really public. In the movies on the back row isn’t really public because it’s dark AND no one else was on the back row. The deep end of the swimming pool isn’t in public if everyone else is down in the shallow end. At a club isn’t in public if I am behind a bar that’s not being used.
Is it?

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?

Y’all ain’t wanna know…. I fell off the bed…headfirst…with my naked ass in the air as he kept pumpin’ the cooch…muthascooter wouldn’t stop…BITCH let me get up!!! I laughed so hard I caught a cramp in my calf… He just stood there all solider stiff and said… WHAT, come on, whatchu waitin’ for.

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?

The pure pleasure of making-like with someone that means a lot to you and he is working the fuck outta those kinks…. Yea *whew!* I’ve done had a tear or two drop. Then again, there is that time I boo-hoo’d all through the sex because I was snotty nosed drunk…but that ain’t nuffin’ new.

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX?

I like to cuddle watching tv, I like to cuddle when I’m tryin’ to get some…
Afterwards, get off me…get off me…it’s hooooot!

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE?

Yes.

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?

Yo, I’m done playin’…get off me!!!! I ain’t gonna make his ass feel like you came with it!… He needs to know he isn’t satisfying and he needs to LEARN!

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP?

I ain’t good at it. Talk all the dirty talk you want…but don’t call me a bitch and don’t ask me to put my finger in your ass….we’ll be A-OK.

9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX?

I don’t make a habit out of that but unfortunately yes.

10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER?

Da hell kind of question is that? Cain’t NO ONE compare to fantasizing about Don Cheadle (shuddit up!)

11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND?

I’ve never had a one-night stand. Shouldn’t every human on earth have at least ONE good one-night stand story to tell? I’mma have one…just you wait!

12. HOW BOUT A 3-SOME?

I am not sharing…I’mma greedy chick!!! I want it for all MINES, bitch get your own!!!

13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX?

Sometimes it’s a distraction…’cause it seems like they getting’ theirs like Daaaaamn. While I’m tellin’ dude that “I’m done” (line from #7)

14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX?

I use to think of Mr. M.arcus but that was until I saw him wipe his cum off some chicks ass with his finger……………and then he licked said finger….GgggggROSSS So now I stay focused on who’s on top of me.

15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKE?

Yes…but WHILE trying to put it ON! I don’t recall during…. I don’t recall….

16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRISING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?

I came into work with rug burns on my knees AND forehead. Back when I was married…we were young…you know, trying diff positions and whatnot… I know now, there’s some shit that just shouldn’t be tried!

17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?

18!

18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW?

Not a single person.
Shooooot, I squeeze my coochie muscles real tight and think of a nice fat juicy dick…I can make myself cum and keep it movin’.

19. DO YOU THINK THAT number 18 IS POSSIBLE?

Answer to the first answer in #18: The only way that’s IMpossible…is if Don Cheadle walks into my office right now and then I’d HAVE to have sex…which would be #2… I’d probably do #4 and which would make #16

20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW?

I'm always horny. Or is that always wet? Hmmmm, either way…I could definitely go for some GREAT sex.

21. WOULD U HAVE SEX WITH THE PERSON THAT POSTED THIS?

Royce’s Daughter really isn’t my type… Iffin’ she was born a well endowed, muscly, at least 6 foot black dude…then yea, I’d wanna have sex with the person that posted this.

~~~~~~~~
I refuse to tag anyone...yet.........................there are a couple that I want to voyuer into their sex lives............aww, never mind...y'all ain't need to know who I am crushin' on.

B-E-Z

Going backwards is always a bad decision.

Case in point my Saturday evening excursion. Wasn't what I wanted when I had it way back when. So when Saturday came...a whole year AFTER we had stopped associating....why would I go on a date with him???

I know why.

Anyway... Venom was gracious enough to come pick me up in the rain on Saturday mornign and take me to go get this table for my TV. I should have stuck with his idea and stayed in the house all day Sat and cuddle up with a good movie/or book...just me, myself and I.
I didn't.

Sunday I had forgotten that I had two free tickets to see Waiting for Godot at HSA. I also had plans to go to this Phenomenal Woman get-together and listen to the free jazz vesper at St. Peter's Cathedral, Sarah McLawler was performing.... The play was to start at 3 and the jazz vespers was to start at 4:30 and then followed by a communal dinner of us women. One of the events I was not going to make.

I was laying in my bed on Sunday afternoon at 2:00 when I remmeber the play. So I jumped up and tried to do something with my still dirty hair. Called Berry and told her I had an extra ticket and let her know if she wanted to go to meet me at the theater by 3. Berry lives a hop, skip and a jump from the theater. I called one of the Phenom woman and told them I was going to the play but would hook up with them at Pescatore's afterwards....

Waiting for Godot.... Hmmmm, what do I say about this play? How about... could someone please tell me what this play is about? I liked the setup... a river and a delapidated house that had been flooded....so the whole play is in the water (literally) and on top of this roof. There were alot of parts that were funny...but I truely was sorta lost when Godot never showed up...lol Also, if you were unfornuate enough to sit in the front row...you got mad wet yo! People were just coming in from the rain to watch the play and now your splashing them with water. People were putting up their umbrellas...in a building...so you know superstition went out the door yesterday..but should any bad luck befall me....I will blame it on those people AND on HSA.
Left there needing to get something to eat...I was going to go home but decideto call my girl and see if they had finished. Off to Pescatore's.... I got home around 8:45 and decided to put my table together...all by myself.

That was short lived.
I called Brooklyn to see where he was....great he's in the Bronx.
Umma, how are you?
I'm good...and how are you?
I'm good but I need a tool. The one I have doesn't fit...it's not big enough.
Little chuckle, so you need my tool?
No..I need A tool....screwdriver.
Like I said...you need my tool?
My srewdriver, well the the prongs aren't big enough.
Big enough for.... you mean not big enough to get the job done.
Yea, it doesn't fit...so can I use yours?
Yea, Bloop, I'll bring my tool right over, it's definitely big enough to get the job done. Another chuckle.
You know what...never mind. I just remembered there is one at the job, I'll get it tomorrow.
Wait, what happened? You do this shit all the time. One day I ain't gonna be here for you to call.
Ok, well you have a goodnight.

You see, all his stupid innuendos reminded me that I had jsut gone out with some old last year shit on Friday and it turned all mediocre...why would I let Brooklyn come over to my home with sex on the brain? I'm slow but I am not stupid. I found the tool this morning that I needed...a philips screwdriver and am taking it home tonight...although...for some reason, I think that I have something to do tonight....why oh why, can't I remember!

Brooklyn is just a lil peeved anyway so I think his ego was getting in the way of my actual problem.
What had happened was....
He called me 2 weeks ago and wanted to talk...HE'S the one that brought up about us and the sex thing. He asked me a simple queston and I sorta kinda in a friendly nice way told him that...it definitely wasn't the sex that kept me around. For some odd reason, he was offended. I only noticed this however, after I told him ...I ain't really like sex with him and I felt like I had to think all thru the sex, which made it unenjoyable.
So last night was a fine time to play an ignorant teenage boy
.... you need my big tool to screw?
Idiot!
Guess it proved a point...to himself only...that I needed him.
Again...
Idiot!

This week has me going to a comedy show on Tuesday with a chick friend NOT a dude, so lil jamaican can stay off my ass and stop telling me to "be still". I have tentative plans for the rest of the week...but none from Friday on....and wouldn't you know it...my job gave me Monday and Tuesday off....so I have nothing to do for my 4 day holiday, bastards could have told me earlier than just this morning, I could have made plans!...now, NOT A THING!!!!

I knew things would get complicated...and fast.
Ever come from a "date" that was totally uneventful...and you felt like your time would have been better spent watching a re-run of Law n Order...for the umpteenth time?

Ever had that cat you use to hang with. Might have thought that given the boost of sinlgedom energy you just aquired, you thought that you could work with what was there....then realized a two months into the game....you finally sexed him and it didn't work.

Well I use to think that, had I not hand the complication of Hoody from the Bronx in the picture, that I could have easily fallen for T.I.M. Mansion in Rockland county, a "millionaire", nice car, nice job...and a MI.T graduate. He wanted...nary I say needed a wife...and for some dumb ass reason he thought Bloopty was marriage material. My thoughts of whoring myself out with aspirations of becoming a rich man's wife was about to pay off. We had sex. My aspiration went down the damn toilet like the soggy condom he had just taken off.

Now I am a thick chick. Not that type of thick chick that makes a man say "ooh baby" or "GOTDAMN"....but the kind of thick chick that makes a man say..."damn, she got a little squishy in the middle, I can hang with that...for a minute". Well T.I.M. was narrow...narrow like skinny....granted, he had some nice arms and runners thighs...but no meat 'round the middle....and to be truthful...that's the part I like. Not fat, not chunky, not husky...but a little pudgy. He had next to zero fat on his body.
Not a good look. LOL
If I can wrap my arms around you the way a dude does a chick...then muthafucka...you are too small for me. I like a broad back and I like taking little nibbles on the sides...I like lightly rubbing my face against the hairline that sexily starts to dip into your boxers...on the belly where it's the softest, I like being able to come up behind you and wrap my arms around you and NOT have my arms being jabbed by your damn rib bones. Or have your freakin' hipbones counter jabbin' my damn hipbones as your grinding trying to "get me in the mood".

He was skinny....all parts of him. Dick included. No healthy meaty dick...but a hard narrow ass pointing thing jabbing all hard. Dude, what happened to the meaty part of the head? You know, the h.e.a.d. The part that seems to pulsate when it's swollen to the point of exploding...where is that?

Yesterday at work...he IM's me

SIDENOTE: If I haven't spoke to you in 2 consecutive months...I am taking you off my buddy list. Which is a good thing but can also be the bain of Instant Messaging...for the simple fact that JUST because I took you off doesn't mean you have taken me off...which means you know when I am online when I could careless when your on. I have to come up with a new strategy in removing muthafuckas out my personal space...and I am not talking about blocking. I think that is SO gay. If you can't fucken tell someone to stop IMing you, then your a punk....

So he IM's me and ask if I have plans this weekned. Of course I don't because I just broke up with T.I, so I tell him I am free with the exception of the Sat morning excursion with Venom. He asks if we can meet up... huh?...well...sure I guess.
As soon as I agreed to it
I knew that at some point on the evening of Saturday June 24th...T.I.M. was going to get pissed.
'Cause I like hanging out with him....but I ain't tryna make you my man. Yea, we hit once but....damn....I was sleeping in your bed 2 months before that and have slept in your bed HELLA times after the act and never asked for the dick....shouldn't he have gotten the hint that I had slipped him into the like-you-more-than-a-friend-but-I-ain't-tryna-make-you-my-man-just wanna-hang-out-and-cuddle-every-now-and-then-and-I-sure-as-hell-don't-want-to-fuck-you-ever-again catergory?????

He treated me to dinner at Baton Rouge, then took me to see The Omen....he kissed me twice on my head/hair (which I don't know how he could have done that considering my mop needs to be washed STAT!), put his arms around me in the movie because it was cold, let me share his umbrella....

Then that muthafuckenscooter smashed off before I had the chance to get my foot out of his car.

"Thank you for dinner and the movies. It was nice seeing you again. Have a safe drive home and call me to let me know you got home ok. Nite."
Then I tried to get out of the car before he took half my body with his car....

Ya think I was suppose to have given him a kiss goodbye....or offered him to come up to my little piece of "serenity now"??

Fuck that!

He took a gamble when he asked me out. Knowing our history, don't think a year has changed my mind unless of course a year has changed your dick, YO! Or whoever was occupying your time this past 12 months has cooked some steak and potatoes for yer lil nai-ra ass.

*damn, I kinda forgot what single was like....grrrrreat, now I got dumb shit like this to look forward to from random ass guys who got small OR skinny OR impotent dicks. I'd like to give a special shout out to The Itch for putting me back in this hellish rat-race of "dating".....yea, here's to you being a complete bi-polar ass with control and jealousy issues...thanksafuckinglot TI!

I bought some shoes yesterday...wore them last night out with Surj.
I called 4 men last night and one of those by accident thinking it was Slish...I even started talking to him...thinking it was Slish...it was The Itch.
I think I cussed out one call.
I cut myself on my damn floor fan...it doesn't have that circular guard...just free twirling blades. So that had me crying on the other call.
I don't remember all the shit I said on my 4th call...but I do remember getting off the phone thinking that I no longer had a friend...but just a blog buddy.

Surj is no longer a story to tell...and this was BEFORE I had the drinks.

I drank 8 mojitos, had a shot of Southern Comfort and had one home-made drink...so to say I was tipsy is an understatment...to say I was drunk is an understatement...to say I was totally soaked with alcohol is an understatement...

I left my brand new $120 shoes in the damn cab.
I fucken suck y'all!

Song: Nana by Monifah
Lyrics: "No doubt my arms is where you need to be. So grab your things you're comin' home with me. On top of moaning while you're bonin' me. I'll curl your toes and then you off to sleep (A little bit of dada is good for me)"

He put me in an awkward position so I shoved that shit back in his face. I am NOT being bullied no fucking more. Just a matter of time before you get the hint...no more words. Call it being a punk if you want but every fucking word possible has been said...there is nothing else to be said...it would just be repetition. He has manipulated me and turned shit into shit that wasn't real, to keep me "in check". Thing is...I hadn't thought that...never even occured to me until someone told me last week that, "He's got you in check!" I was like..nu-uh, no he don't. FUCK THAT...he does...did.

So....I asked Surj out last week. Told him I wanted to see him and he told me the minute I am free...call him. Sooo, I called him. He is "light"..no heavy shit no double/triple thinking...just laughing, some kissing and maybe...just maybe...I'll finally get me some of that nasty ushy gushy stuff that I have been missing out on. Answer me this: How you have a boyfriend and don't wanna fuck him...ever?
I spoke with Surj for an hour tonight...we are meeting after work tomorrow. Just want some drinks...some music and maybe some feel-ups as we dance and walk through the village hand in hand. Yea, it's going to be sprinkling...maybe even raining...but so what...kisses in the rain...I'll take that.

Sometimes you do shit because it you gotta break free of the daily bullshit. Surj knows my situation. I've shared some things and he has let me know that that is not cool to leave out importante informacion...but aaa...I know that but thanks for the reminder. The only reason I told him play-by-play action was because ...how do you hide having a boyfriend? Not only that...but a big ol' hulkin' hunky dumb jock bipolar boyfriend? LOL Naw, naw...Surj knew way before...not before before but before recently. LOL
He told me that I sounded sad...not sure what to make of that but...he may be on to something. I don't want to be miserable...'cause misery loves company...and I would just end up bring y'all down and making y'all miserable....lol So let's avoid that at all cost and in helping in doing that...y'all won't chastise me for about-to-be fucking Surj.
*'specially that little jamaican!*

Some shit that I wanted to get off my chest...no need for comment.

As y'all know...I've been dealing with this man. I want to leave this man. As easy as it is for me to say that...I just can't bring myself to do it. I use to think it was because I cared soo much for him...then it was because of his money...but now I am starting to think that I have a serious mental problem. I can count on 2 hands how many times that man has broke up with me and then wanted me back 24 hours later. With that said...he broke up with me yesterday. Thing about it...I was gonna break up with him as soon as the boys went back to California. He jump the fucking gun on me. BUT I am the one that made it go down....and I knew what the fuck I was doing...but he wasn't suppose to fucking break up with me...DAMN! Now mind you...I ain't argueing none of dudes point...and I even clearly state "I am not trying to change your mind", "if this is how you feel...I don't want to change your mind". 45 minutes later he says, "Bloop, how can we make this work?"
SO once he says that...I know we are back together in his pea brain. So now I am gonna have to break up with him. You don't get it?
My pride was bruised, so I convinced him that he loves me...'cause he does. Even though I don't want him...seriously seriously. I can't have men thinking they can break up with me....I'm the mack yo! Do you know the damage that can do to my ego...my self esteeem? The years of therapy? Fuck that! Your not fucking breaking up with me...so here it is...Monday afternoon and I am stressed...back to throwing up like I did when I was living with him....and I am thinking of how and when I am going to tell him that I can't do this anymore....I fucking tired of being fucking tired of this relationship.


Sidenote: Not that this is anyones business and not that I probably should be telling you all this information...but every July I get a check for around $1500 from my tribe...which essentially comes from the goverment in reparations for our land being taken from us and my people be slaughtered. NOT for the menial shit or degrading things or god forsaken things such as slavery but killed and rob for being "savages". Europeans coming here from across the ocean and "discovering" this land and the people on it and then deciding they wanted what these "animals" had and felt it their right to kill and steal and destroy (sounds mighty similar to what the bible describes as satan)... this has always been the way of the white man. Case in point...your presidents war in Iraq.
EITHER WAY....this check usually is my biggest check with the exception of Christmas, granted I get a monthly "allotment" check for the rest of my life. Yet, Christmas and the 4th happen to be holidays that the goverment think they need to be most kind on. The 4th being the day "we" celebrate "our" independence and Christmas being the time of the year that they can show their "christian" love by bestowing upon us a higher amount.
Today my check came on Juneteenth...the day that blacks are suppose to celebrate our "freedom"................ Do you all comprehend the turmoil. No? The half of me that has been slowly killed off....whole tribes have been obliterated...is getting money for lands that were stolen from us as a token of "we're sorry's" BUT recieving my chceck on a day that signifies the other half of me that has yet to be payed for the time, energy, blood, destruction of families, life of having to build said land......how do I feel? In turmoil.
Thing about it...is that I knew this check was coming and I made plans.... happy to be getting it...and even happier that instead of the customary $1500...it's $2000. Yea....there is turmoil. But then again...
this is
my
life.

I was in the Du.ane Re.ade picking up my monthly refill and there is some sorta complication...they are trying to charge me $37.50 for these damn pills! I ain't even fucking that much anymore these days and now you trying to charge me an arm and a leg for the antidote from the P virus (read pregnant). Eff that..y'all better check my insurance again!
$5 now? Ok...I can swing a 5 note for some protection. lol

So as I am standing at th pharmacy register I am perusing the shleves and I do a double look at this new and improved shit!

When in the holy hell did they start selling vibrating rings in a Du.ane Re.ade?...(DR is equivelant to Walgreen's or Rite Aid.) I am thinking when was the last time I actually bought some real condoms. Y'all know I can't do latex, so I go to my standard spot and pay a bitch out my ass for 6 polyurethane condoms. What normally cost y'all $9 cost me $21....fucking sucks but if the kitty is gonna be all swollen and red from the basic...then I have to accomodate her and get the above-basic and shell out damn near close to $35 for lambskin.
So, you know me shopping for the random Trojans isn't even on the radar...but when I saw this I was like...daaaaaamn. The kitty might just have to go back to being pinker than normal if I can try this shit out. I remember the first time my beau used one of those rings..... it was a good night. That's all I am saying.

So as I am looking I have to take out my cell so I can show you all the things that you can find at DR without making a special trip to the adult store...
I came upon this next.
It's feminine arousal fluid!! Hot damn. You mean I can swell and pulste without him doing any of the work? Not sure if I should be all that excited about that after all...shouldn't he do SOME work? Lazy bastard should have my kitty contracting and uncontracting...ready for the big kahuna to enter the waters.... BUT, on nights when he is sleepy, or had a long day at work...or has a full belly, more like stuffed himself like crazy with his greedy ass... I can pull out Zestra and have my way with him without him moving a muscle..... Hmmm, I should keep this secret to myself. Don't need that wanker thinking that he doesn't have to put in work with the cooch!
I am thinking what in thee hell could I possibly find next? Could there be more to be found in Du.ane Rea.de than I thought? I thought it was for hair grease, band-aides and a quick run in and run out spot to get necessities. I didn't know there was a full-on sex shop back at the pharmacy register...I would have probably made my way back there and purused the aisles more often. No damn wonder there are so many women coming from the back with little knowing smiles on their faces as the try to stash their bought items down in their purses as they leave the store.
Da hell have I been missing out on?
I've been missing out on these!!!!!

FRESHENING CLOTHS!!!
So all this time that me and The Itch have been fucking in parking lots, on a quiet tree-lined street late at night and him fingering me on the SawMill Parkway... I've been getting out of the truck all soaky thonged and all...and I could have had THESE in my purse to whip out and fresh up? AND...they come with 3 premium condoms? Do they not think of every damn thing??? I am sure that I thought that on numerous occassions... "why don't these things come with wipes for women?" I know I've said that to someone....it's a no brainer. Yet, here I am looking at my invention on the shelves of Duane Reade... I've been carrying around my little home remedy stash that granny taught me how to make...but here it is in a combo pack...

I'm on the Metro-North again this morning...listening to my iPod, not thinking of anything to concrete...just different thoughts flittering in and out.

KEM comes on and of course it's the song that I have been passing on listening to. Changing the station when it's on the radio. "I Can't Stop Loving You"
Last year that was my song of choice and became mine and Brooklyn song. When we were in the process of fizzling out and then...becoming nothing at all.
He'd call me and say, "I was driving home last night, a song came on and I thought of you". I never even asked what song it was, I'd just say you need to change stations when Kem comes on.....he'd laugh and tell me to get out of his head.

I got with The Itch and now...well of course, he'd happen to be a Kem fan to. We went to his concert back in March. As soon as KM came on stage...his beautiful-Al-Jarruea voice started singing notes that made me cry. I cried because of memories, I cried because it sounded that good, I cried because of who I was with.
It's all confusing and if I could just let it go. That would have made the night a lot easier.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday I recieved a call from Brooklyn...our conversations are always filled with laughing and shit talking....he proceeds to asked me what I was doing.
Nothing.
Can I come over.
No.
Well I am pulling up in front of your place now.
Da hell?!! Don't play that shit with me. You don't have it like that anymore.
Man, I'm here already you might as well let me up.
Fuck that!
I'mma start yelling your name in the streets.
No problem, that won't last long the police station is on the other block....I think I'mma need to take a restraining order out on your poppin' up ass.
Yo bloop, stop playing. Just let me up.
No, I already have company coming over.
Who?
Who you...an owl? None of your fucking business.
He chuckles...Why you cussing at me? I see I need to tighten you up.
Sorry.
You still think of me when that song comes on?
I bust out laughing...I never thought of you...YOU thought of ME!
He slightly smirks...yea, I did. I do. Man, what you got that voodoo shit?
I laugh...what? No, I don't do voodoo...I'm indian remember we have witch doctors.
.....silence....
All serious and whatnot...I still think of you. We had some good times. Do you have fun like we did with your new dude?
Don't ask me some shit like that. But yes, we did have some good times. Some shit I'll never forget.
You know I loved you Bloop. Man, I know that sounds corny but it's true and I know I didn't show it as much as I should have. I should have said it then.
I realize I gotta come serious...Look Brooklyn, I know you loved me. You didn't need to say it. But, those days are gone. What I felt for you isn't like it was. You and I can always be friends but you know I don't go backwards. If my first thought was to walk....you can believe that my second and third thought is goiong to be the same. This reminiscing does nothing for me. Just let's me know that your still pining...and I don't want you doing that. It's done, we're done. Go find you a cute lil Brooklyn chick and do you.
Big sigh...Yea, I know your right. But it's coming up on a year since we met...it's warm out, park concerts....all those things bring me memories of you. I'm sitting on a date and this damn song comes on...and all I think about is how silly you and I were...we had fun...no stiff shit of you or I trying to make a good impression. You made me feel comfortable. This chick is across the table from me with a straight face, no smile, no real conversation....just takling about her college, her job, her girlfriends, and I am thinking...this chick has no spunk...no flirting skills, no life to her...it's like she's spitting out her resume to me.... YOU were fun. Easy going...something different. I just want us to be able to hang out like that.
Brooklyn, if you had a chick and one of her ex's called her up and said this shit.....if she came to you and said, is it ok if I hang out with so and so....how would you take that?
Trying to use humor to cover his frustration...Fuck him! Let that zero go and get with this hero...YO! He doesn't need to know and what? You can' t have male friends? He's controlling like that?
I laugh...That's real corny. I don't have to explain shit to you for you to understand that your out of line. Your pushing the limits of this already thin friendship. Don't ask me about dude and I'll tell you no lies. I gotta go. Go have fun. Eat, drink, fuck and be merry...but be careful too. Bye

Brooklyn proceeds to leave a voicemail a half hour later to say...Please just think about what I said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't pine for me. Too many women out there. Way too many. Believe me, after Brooklyn and I were done, I was gone. Yea, I thought about him, loved him but damn if I am going to call him back after all these months and say some bullshit like.... think about it. Pining is a waste of fucking time. I ain't coming back. It's ok to think of times that we've shared. After that...let it go. I can even admit that I'm not that wonderful...I AM SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL but not that damn good.

When you live in NYC you inevitably have to trudge your laundry, groceries and shopping around on the subway (unless your fortunate enough to have a car *whateva*) I happen to have a man... with a truck so most of my trudging is done ONLY because I don't want him knowing when I bought some new shoes or outfit.
EITHER WAY, I drop my laundry off, let them clean and fold then I pick it up. Well, I just found a place that will come and pick up my laundry and dry cleaning... I have an ex in Cal who owned a service like this. I never had him do my clothes because...well, I errr, aaaa, usually end up with someones boxers or sweats in my laundry bag...and well...I'm not one for making excuses. Plus, at the time it would have been real stupid of me to have him do my laundry because I had a washer and dryer in my apartment. I AM lazy but damn....not that lazy....

So in my struggle to be more organized and feel less frenzied, I have also decided to sign up for Fre.sh D.irect. I honestly don't think this is going to work for me long term. I am one of those shoppers that goes up and down each and every aisle...to make sure I haven't forgotten something that I will need later on ...desparately...like the other day I remembered that I had no more Vlasic Zesty pickles....gawd forbid. So FD will be for the big items that I need to have someone bring up to my door. Me actually going to a real live grocery store will be for those last minutes items. Whew! Do you see how I am finding more and more time for myself.

Ever efficient. Yet, with all this "free time", what am I suppose to do? Idle hands are the debbil's workshop, no? Hmmmmmmm.

Listen to this, I am apart of this group (read: secret society) that gets together for meetings, socializing and....table levitation lectures!
What you ask...
Table levitation lectures!
Yea, that's sorta what I did to...looked at it like...huh? That's the email I came into this morning...
"Come join us, as we are proud to introduce XXX. Come hear XXX's lecture on table levitation."
Da hell!?!?? This is a group that can "supposedly" trace their lineage back to the Nights Templar speaking about levitation!?....hmmmm, let me find out that I've been bamboozled, hoodwinked...led astray! LOL KH fill me in on THIS one....?

Because of the crazy funky bedunky weather my hair has been looking like this... well that's what I have been told...a brown-r version of course. AND this week I've had to wear these.

~~~~~~~~~~
My weekend starts today and I am in a mental quandry...
Surj spent the night last night ...NO Secret Chinese Handshake.
My boys arrive from California tomorrow and will be here for two weeks.
We are all staying at The Itch's house while they are here.
The Itch likes them, they like The Itch..........
I've lived with this man before...I am not sure that I can do it for two weeks...LOL
Actually..it's not as bad as I make it sound.
Ok OK OK! it is on my part but the rest I am so excited about...
Anyhoo...
It's suppose to be sunshiny this weekend...and we have tickets to the Yankees for the boys on Sunday.....I am so excited.

Peace out and have an awesome weekend....

*Hopefully Blogger will have heeded my threats and are, as we speak, trying to incoporate a larger server and hire competant IT people. Hopefully in the future we will not have to experienced what we did this past week....otherwise, I think we should do a mass boycot and move our blogs over to Blogsome or Blogates.*

He has everything.
...and when I say everything...I mean

E.V.E..R.Y.T.H.I.N.G!

What more could he possibly need? Or want?

*Sidenote: I am on my 3rd King Cone (minus the nuts and these things are the debbil himself...so delicious) of the day and it's only 12:13...so, sugar is kicking in and I may go to fast for y'all to understand. It's ok.

So I have been searching hell and high water for something to get him...
It's been hard as hell.
Hard as nails?
Which one would it be?
Hell relatively speaking would be hard...but nails technically speaking are hard....hmmm!
Either way, I am finding it hard to come up with something for him.
Eff day is next weekend...
He bought me jewlery for Ma Day.... bud-da...I ain't buying no man no jewlery never. Why you ask mon ami.... men with jewelery look like fucking pimps or some gangsta bitch.....

(please, OH PLEASE don't let there be any gangsta's reading my blog...but then, could he/she really call themselves gangsta if he/she is checking out blogs on thier computer?
hmmmmmmm I didn't think gangsta's had technical skills to manuever on the internet much less, a computer....but maybe, just maybe...this is a "new-age" gangsta...trying to surf the net and be...gangsta on some internet ass!!? Have I stumbled upon a new-age gang of some sorts? Men and women inflicting cyber beatdowns and by chance lurking on blogs throwing up their tag names and making havoc up in blogger? Is THAT why blogger has been on some OTHER shit today by being hinkty and not allowing me to come into my own "hood" and post?
Huh? I've taken it to far? I should have stopped while I was ahead? Hold on,let me read back about my conspiracy-cyber-gangsta theory..... Oh, yea, your right! LMAO)
anyhoo...
He has one gold chain... that's sufficient...anything other than that is excess!

...and I aaaaaaammmmmmm

OUT!
B-E-Z

Mood: Stayed
Song: Back in the Day by Ahmad
Movie: The Wood

..."back in the day...I sit and reminesce"...

Why am I looking around for a drink at 11:50 AM? Not that I need one but I feel like a real visitor today. Why? 'Cause my man-man is out of town and I am honestly trying to be good whilest he is gonest. Last night and today I set up "dates"...not really dates but yes, dates. I cancelled on both of them at the 11th hour. I am trying to be good...honest. Hence the need for a drink. I feel like I did when I first got to NYC...alone.

Although, back then I had my trusty friend cj to run wild with...nothing but errands and trying to keep ourselves busy.
She and I had a falling out over bullshit.
I've never spoke about it but I think Iwill now since I have now spoken her name for the first time...I am pretty sure she's not gonna come across this....so be vewwy vewwy quiet...shhhhhh

cj and I were road-dogs. We occupied eachothers time and space...not because their was no one else for the two of us...but because we...lived close to eachother? Hmmm...I mean, we did like similar things but honestly...we weren't similar at all. There has to be more than that to our friendship. We spoke about alot of things, we did alot of things together, we were social...and that fit for us. Odd how so little can be so much. We constantly irritated eachother but...that's what happens...we are woman after all. I don't hold grudges so we usually passed over our differences in time. I gave her her space...so that she had time to either get over her irritation or come to the realization that...it wasn't really that big of a deal to begin with.

She of course had a bigger circle of friends that I, after all...she's lived here forever (8 years I believe)..and I had just gotten here...yet, she brought me into her haven of friends and invited me out to functions...was nice. Looking back on it...and even when we were friends, I always wondered why she hung out with me. I think that my personality isn't all that condusive to female friendships...yet, we got along. Mainly because our interest in men were at complete opposites. That is usually the bain of most female relationships...so in a sense, we were safe in that area.
In the time that we have not been friends..I have wondered about our friendship...it's divorce ...and was there something that I wasn't seeing back then.

Last November cj and I went to a party and the evening and early morning of said evening was the demise of our friendship.
I have to interject smethings in my observation of cj...because it explains why cj acted the way she did...however, it doesn't explain the continued act.

cj was raised to keep her damn mouth shut. To not voice her opinions, her concerns, her wants and wishes. She was apart of a big family, that paid next to no attention to her. Pushing her to excel and be successful, yet not allowing her to have a voice, which in my opinion...stunted her growth in communication. I was raised to speak my mind (not in an arguementative way but in a way that lets you know I have an opinion, a mind, a thought about a stituation), it's because of our different up-bringings that we have had moments of silence and days of not speaking..............yet, we generally got past that and continued on with our friendship...

until

We were driving home from the evening out with friends...I had drank too much, I was honery, it was close to 5 in the morning, and I had a question about something...and I voiced it.
Now, I know when cj goes into herself and quickly builds this wall...and stays in there until the "problem" goes away. I've seen her do this a hundred times. She hates any type of confrontation and any confrontation that requires her to speak up is next to impossible.
She stops talking.
I've always hated that.
Always looked at it as being a coward and childish. YET, I knew the reason and tended to look past it and not let it effect me to the point that I would scream at her for being a punk! I figured that at 30 she wasn't going to change and I am sure for her...it was acceptable.

So, on the ride home...I asked cj 2 questions about something that I saw during the evening. I wanted to know her intent...also, I wanted to know how she would have felt had I allowed the same thing in a similar situation.

cj, good ol' cj...she stayed true to form.
I got nothing but silence.
I have not spoke to cj since that early morning ride.

The thing about it is that I have never been mad at cj for her reaction to someone elses actions... that made me ask to begin with.
I knew she'd grow silent...yet, at the same time...I felt that at some point she would say something.
I understood the situation of the evening. I understood the person (s) involved. I understood the feeling behind it. None of that was an issue.
For me, what ended our friendship was her inability to say something

Anything...

like...

"Bloop, fuck you! You have this one and that one...this one doesn't even matter to you (she knew that to be able to say that)...I went with the feeling, thought nothing of it, and if you think it was out of line...I apologize for you feeling that way. Yet, what you two have is nothing and what happen on my part was nothing, and you can take it or leave it, 'cause that's all I have to say."

Of course it's silly of me to think that she could ever say anything remotely close to this...but she could have said this...in her way...all nice and whatnot as she tended to always do. Any other number of comments could have ben made.
Lay me on my ass with kindness.
I got nothing....
We lost our friendship to silence that early November morning.

In saying that...
Today I feel brand new to NYC...my man man is gone, I am trying not to really cheat, to try not to call someone just to spend a boring day with...I am looking for familiarity with someone that has similar interest that I could go and explore the Asian Festival at the South Street Seaport with...a female friend. I have female friends...none that I am close to...as I was with cj. We could walk, sit, explore without having to talk the whole time...we had a comfortable silence. Her thinking of whatever the fuck went through her mind...and me probably thinking about a guy...or money...or food...LOL

Sometimes...like on days like today...I miss her friendship. Then I re-think about it and question whether or not there was friendship there to begin with or maybe....I was just someone for her to spend a boring day with and nothing more.

I am off to explore the festival by myself.

GOES TERRIBLY WRONG!!!

Keep it Real...

1. If you could be doing what you really want to be doing for a living, what would it be?
A rich man's happy wife. Point blank!

2. If you could slap the shit out of any famous person, alive or dead, who would it be?
Maybe the president...but even then it's not a slap I wanna deliver...more like scream BITCH and put a bullet in his head but not slap. I reserve slapping-the-shit-out-of-someone for bitch ass ex's and bitch ass broads that are on that ignorant shit....that's a whole lot of people huh?

3. What's the dumbest decision you've made in the past 5 years?
Not excepting everything he was willing to give and not banking all the money that ran through my fingers when I was with him. Just wasnt yet financially savvy. Bad credit.

4. Give up one for a year: (good) sex or (good) music.
I would have to give up music...I tend to use music as background noise. Also, I'd rather read a book than listen to music or watch tv....I don't mind the quiet.

5. Dudes, would you rather have a big dick or a great sense of humor?Ladies, nice tits & azz or common sense?
Easy ass question...I have no T&A ...I've been using common sense all this time to get men...so of course....I want the common sense. Plus, men will talk to anything that has a hole.
Man making a pass:"Hey how YOU doin?" Wooden fence: silence, wood creaking from the wind... LMAO

6. So you've been invited to an all expense paid Blogger Prom in The Bahamas. You're sitting at the bar on the beach. Which blogger do you want to join you for hours of good convo?
Depends on my mood, but I think it would be Simply Put. We have some great conversation.

7. Which blogger would you most like to cuddle with on the beach?
Cool Breeze... he seems cuddily and I bet he's fun as hell. But if I could pick two...I'd pick V. Anthony...he seems very s.e.n.s.u.a.l. *the Very Rev...he's like the one I was describing*wink wink*

8. You're going on a 5 hour road trip...which 5 CDs do you bring?
1. Brian Culbertson... Sensuality...album: It's On Tonight
2. Commadors...Easy...album: The Ultimate Collection
3. Tears for Fears...Shout...album: Tears Roll Down:Greatest Hits
4. Slick Rick...The Great Adventures of Slick Rick
5. Carwash Soundtrack

9. Would you rather bury your children young or have your children bury you young?
Your trying to fuckin jinx shit Wise... I don't like this question..it's scary anyway you look at it. I'd want to go before my boys!

10. What's your biggest insecurity?
My biggest insecurity...is that I am short. Not super short but if I was 5'7...that'd be perfect...but then again...I am sure that I'd have another insecurity to counter that one...lol

11. What's the first blog you read every day...or however often you read them?
I start with VAR and work my way down my list...then I go to Slish's page and check out his blogroll because I am too lazy to add them to mine.

12. When's the last time you peed your pants?
Actually pee'd on myself? Like in my pants and had a big ol' pee spot between my legs? Maaaaybe 5 years ago...and that's a huge maybe... I don't remmeber.
A month ago I was hungover and throwing up...a little squeezed out as I was projecting bile into the toilet...but I had a thong-liner on, soo....my panties didn't get wet....does that count?

13. Which was better, your first kiss or your first pay check?
I can't remember my first kiss....so it musta been wack! I don't remember my first check either...but money always trumps a kiss.

14. Do you have kids? Want kids?
I have two boys...15 and 12.

15. You get dropped off at home after the office holiday party by your bitch azz boss that you can't effing stand...you exit the car and he peels out, runs a red light at your corner and rolls up an unsuspecting midget. The next day the midget watch groups are on TV outraged at the heartless hit and run, and are calling for any witnesses to please come fwd...that half dead midget has a family at home waiting on C-mas presents. Would you take $1000 hush money? $500? $100? A six pack?Six pack of what, Corona Lights??
I'd take the money. Point Blank!

16. Live the rest of your life without your eyebrows or your fingernails?
I'd do without eyebrows...I could always draw them on with an brow brush...or liner...or tattoo'd on...or glued on...or...LOL

17. What makes you angry?
Bitch ass people...that is a blanket for e'eryone that remotely fits that bill.

18. What makes you horny?
Lightening and thunder (last night was a doozy). Alcohol. Music. Thick thighs. Nice ass.

19. What makes you nervous?
People that have no regard for life.

20. What makes you smile?
My boys. Sunny days. Good food. Good company.

There IS Light @ the End of the Tunnel

AS USUAL...I have to add a disclaimer...THESE ARE MY RANDOM THOUGHTS...THINGS THAT I HAVE THOUGHT THROUGH AND MAYBE I HAVEN'T CONVEYED THEM IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY....but this is MY damn blog and I will not apologize for something that you do not understand.

I have always been rather social. Been called a social butterfly and all. People look at me and think that I am really extroverted...but when it comes down to it...I AM extremely shy. I know that I boast of this over-whelming self confidence...lol... it's really not in me.

So in saying that....
Alcoholism runs in my family. I haven't told anyone that before. Never spoke it out loud. The scary thing about it is that it runs on both sides of my family. Let me tell you that I drink.
Alot? Not sure...depends by who's standard.
Yet, I know that I drink to excess sometimes.

Someone said something to me this morning about drinking and about the choices that people make. It wasn't about me but it got me to thinking that
I drink to excess...sometimes.

I drink for varied reasons but I saw a pattern in the past couple of years:

~ I drank when I was with The Hoodie. Can count on that like clockwork. Is it because he usually has a drink whenever I am with him?...not sure but I know that I tend to jump on the wagon when he has been around. I am not a psychologist but I have thought about this over and over and I have come up with a couple of reasons for this.

1) we were always on rocky, shaky ground and I am predisposed* to be a happy drunk...not only happy but horny. Seems like we were able to get along better when we were both drinking.

2) on occassion I have drank because emotionally..in order for me to be able to be around him I had to have a drink. I have been emotionally scarred by him and I knew that I would not have been good company had I not had that quick shot of whatever. Having a glass of something before he picked me up. Trying to disguise it with mouthwash...but him being somewhat of a functional alcoholic...he tends to smell that shit out....like a bloodhound.

3) during our really bad time...it took me being tipsy to have sex with him. I don't know about all women but I gravitate to associating sex with emotions, how I am feeling and what I am feeling for that person. In saying that....I have wanted to have sex but looked at him in silence and was so turned off by his actions that it has made it hard for me to feel anything for him but anger. Alcohol would loosen me up and I could get into the act and walk away satisfied. I know your wondering why the fuck I couldn't do that to begin with...don't know....me being the woman I am...I. Really. Don't. Know. Your probably also wondering why even have sex with him.......that's another post.

*Not saying that I was always pleasant when I was drunk but I have found out that neither one of us can drink Soju (Korean alcohol)...got violent after me: half a bottle him: a bottle and a half. I also know that if I drink tequila I'm mean as hell and I know that I talk more shit than my little ass can back up...without a gun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other reasons why I drink are to bring my over active mind to a slow down....to take all the shit that I stress on, on a daily basis and put it on a back-burner even if it's for an hour or so. I drink because I AM shy and I need something to hype me up to talk to strangers....at functions, events...dates. I drink because I sometimes feel like saying Fuck It to the world...let me break free from this thing called life and let me wallow in this euphoric state of being ...just me. Space and time suspended to the level I need to live this life.
Yes, I know....
I drink to excess sometimes.

As I sit here and re-read this shit...I shake my head because I DO need a drink, for no other reason than I sometimes am not strong enough...not as strong as some might think...and I need to escape. AND Yes I know, nothing is that hard or that strong to make anyone do it...and I tell you....it's not about it being hard or it being strong...it's about a need sometimes....like my sweet tooth needing a pastry, that itch needing to be scratched, the need for love.... sometimes I need to have that shot to take the edge OFF OF the need for a drink! Huh? Yea, I know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found something to replace that need. In the process...that which took the need away...had become my NEW need. Someone made me feel comfortable being me. It finally seemed like I was suppose to be me...no misconceptions of what I THOUGHT I was suppose to be or who I was suppose to be to anyone....but about being who I AM. Or so I thought. Yes, I can say I am weak...even admit to that shit to your face..WITH a straight face. I know it...no need for empty encouragement...no need for false re-inforcement....I know me better than anyone could...would...or will. Growing up alone gives you so much time to self anaylize...know my faults to a T....know what I can and cannot bullshit my way through. I can also admit, I had/have become dependant on a person who I can't depend on to be there....
and once again...
I am back to
drinking in excess...somtimes.


*a recycled post from the old blog